Born Again
Chapter 8- Burning out.
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Verda
WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER:
2xOC!!!!
too.) But there’s NO lemon.
LET ME JUST SAY THIS
about this chapter if they’re CONSTRUCTIVE criticism about plot/character
development, my writing style, grammar/spelling mistake or the weather.
Otherwise, don’t bother to flame this yaoi writer for “sinning” with
het!
Now, take a deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
loooooooooooooooooog breath. . . . . and please keep reading. Sankyou! ^^;;
Verdana'>
AGAIN
EIGHT-
OUT
* * *
The Hands were on him and the
Darkness was all around. They roamed over his body, touching him and polluting
him with their touch. His naked back was pressed against the couch, his frail
arms trying to push the assailant away. The dark figure that hovered above him
didn’t let go, and the Hands continued to hurt him. Violate him. Taint him with
their horror and penetrate him with their coldness.
The surface he was lying on
gave way, and with a scream, he fell. The world shattered into a million tiny
pieces that sparkled in the Darkness of the Void. He descended down quickly,
the wind and darkness rushing past him. The light that came from above him was
nothing but a distant spot, slowly disappearing. He was still screaming, though
there was no air left in his lungs to scream. He could see those Hands plunge
though the sofa as well and go after him, descending also into his Darkness.
But he fell down too fast and too far. They were unable to catch up with him.
He crashed down on a field of
sharp and tall spikes. His nude body was torn to pieces as he was impaled on a
dozen sharp and tall thorns. Each black thorn was twice his height and thick in
diameter. They entered his body and tore his flesh, blood gushing out of the
wounds. He screamed in pain and terror, his cry swallowed by the Darkness. He
lay impaled on the sharp spikes, his blood sipping down the black spears, and
he is unable to move.
Silently, he cried, having no
strength in him to sob out loud. Tears leaked down his pale and tired face,
mingling with his blood.
A gentle touch appeared. Two
gentle palms, blinding in t whi whiteness and enchanting with their glow,
slowly descended towards him. His tearful blue eyes widened in awe, a small
gasp escaping his cracked lips. The white hands touched him. Gently. Carefully.
They were warm and soft,
their touch careful. They caressed his skin, hovering over his wounds. Long and
graceful fingers floated over his nude body with ghostly touches, taking away
his pain. Soon the agony turned into ecstasy as white and gentle hands
continued to pet his body slowly, the warm fingers sending pleasant shivers
down his spine.
He closed his eyes and
mo, hi, his body tickling with sensation. He could feel the black spears slide
out of his body, disappearing into the dark floor. He was left hovering in the
air, the hands trailing over the bleeding wounds, healing them with only a
single caress. His golden skin was soon flawless and clean, not a sign of the
wounds on him. He lay there, hovering, his head thrown back in pleasure, as the
hands continued to caress him.
So gentle.
So soft.
He never new it could be like
this.
He wanted more.
Opening his eyes, dark blue
orbs clouded with pleasure, he looked up towards the glowing white hands.
Slowly, he reached one of his own hands towards them. They began to glow
brighter, their white aura slowly taking shape. He watched, mystified, as the
bright white light slowly formed into a human shape, gentle and round curves,
long legs and frail arms. Long ebony hair cascaded down the figure's head,
tousled by an invisible wind. It caressed his skin from time to time, brushing
by his thighs and then tickling his abdomen.
He smiled, reaching out his
other hand, wanting to hold the figure. He could not see her face, but he knew
that she was smiling as well. As the bright aura slowly began to fade, he could make out
more and more of the figure’s features. He watched in breathless anticipation
as the angelic figure’s lips slowly parted. He waited eagerly for her words,
and then, her voice spoke up and said...
Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!
Heero’s hand crashed onto the
alarm clock, and with an annoyed groan, he awoke. He eyed his clock in
displeasure, sending it his best still-half-asleep-glare. He rolled back in his
bed, and buried himself under the warm covers, slightly panting from his dream.
His eyes were wide open, wide with shock and numb with confusion.
He never had such a dream
before. Nothing but his nightmares was powerful enough to leave him panting and
covered with sweat. And, unlike his nightmares, it was not cold sweat. No. He
was not cold at all. Quite the contrary, he was EXTREMLY hot. Sweat trickled
down his temples, sliding down onto the pillow. But the more persuasive
evidence was the aching and pulsing need between his legs.
Not ever did he wake with a
hard and burning arousal. Not ever. His experiences with sex were far too awful
and he didn’t allow himself to fall into erotic sensations. Usually, his ‘wet
dreams’ would turn into a dark and terrifying nightmare that would leave him
trembling and sleepless for the rest of the night. Even if his young body did
demand that he’d take some sort of sexual action, his mind would bring up the
memories of the past, and they would just spoil any building pleasure. He
didn’t know anything better than being forced into a sexual act. He knew that
it was not the way it was supposed to happen, but still, his mind could never
come up with a different scenario than what he had experienced so far.
But not this time. This
time... it was different. The hands in his dream were different. Their touch
was different. It left him hungry for more. It filled him with warmth and
desire.
Looking down at himself,
Heero sighed and closed his eyes. But he was too afraid to rid himself of this
desire. There were just too many bad memories. He didn’t know if he could bring
himself to do it.
“Maybe it will just go
away...” He whispered to himself and buried his head in the pillow. He closed
his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to will his arousal away. He turned so
he could lie on his back, but the movement only caused friction between his
arousal and the thick blanket, which sent violent shivers though his body. He
bit back a moan, closing his eyes quickly.
Those white hands... they
were so tender... so hot...
He moaned at the memories of
his dreams, unconsciously pushing his hips up against the heavy blanket. He was
rewarded with more delicious friction and his arousal twitched. This time he
couldn’t suppress his moan, and he thrust his head back and his hips up again.
But it wasn’t enough... he wanted more...
Slowly, hesitantly, he
reached his hand underneath the covers. Slowly... slowly... lower and lower...
it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try...
He gasped loudly as his fist
closed around his burning column of flesh. Dark and flashy images flew through
his mind, but he shoved them back, just thinking of those hands... how he
wanted them to touch him again... he wanted to touch them back...
His stroking increased as he
thought of the angelic figure in his dream, and he closed his eyes in ecstasy.
Faster... faster... faster...
faster until...
“Heero! Your alarm clock rang
half an hour ago! You’ll be late!”
At the sound of Duo’s voice,
Heero gasped and opened his eyes. Panting, he gazed numbly at the ceiling, his
hand still around his cock, but unmoving. His cheeks blushed heated red as his
heart pounded strongly in his chest. Guilt and shame rushed over him, and
hurried to retrieve his hand from underneath the blanket.
With a groan, he forced
himself to sit up, placing his bare feet on the carpet. He sighed, looking at
his room with displeasure.
This day was already starting
off on the wrong foot.
Heero sighed and threw the
blanket aside, quickly getting up.
Coffee... he needed coffee...
and a cold shower.
* * *
“Did you sleep well?” Duo
asked as he watched Heero prepare himself a cup of coffee.
“Aa.” Heero answered quietly,
his hold on the teaspoon weakening as he came to stir his coffee.
“That’s nice.” Behind him, by
the kitchen table, Duo smiled and sipped his own coffee. He watched Heero as
the young man stirred his drink, an amused gleam in his violet eyes.
Three stirs to the right, two
the left, dip the spoon once then twice and then throw it to the sink. Heero’s
coffee drinking habits haven’t changed one bit since the war. It’s been nearly
six years since the end of the war, four years since he found Heero in that
dark basement, but still so much remained the same. Many bigger things have
changed, but it was funny how the little things remained. The way Heero stirred
his coffee, the fact the whe was still vegetarian and the only kind of
chocolate he liked was bitter-sweat chocolate. It was a lot of the little
things. From the way he looked at you when he was confused to the way he peeled
an apple... so many little things Duo always loved about the silent boy were
still embedded in the young man who was standing before him. Sometimes it
seemed like nothing had changed at all…
“Is something wrong?” Heero’s
voice cut into his thoughts, and Duo looked up, a bit shaken.
“Huh? What? Oh, no. No.
Nothing’s wrong.” He hurried to say, lowering his gaze as Heero came to sit
across of him.
“You seem troubled.” Heero
insisted, taking a sip from his coffee.
“Nah, just thinking about
work. I’ve got some big clients coming in today.” Duo hurried to say, assuring
himself that it was not a lie, for customers were coming today... It
wasn’t lying, of course. It was hiding the truth. After all, he did hide but he
never lied.
Duo shook his head and forced
himself to stop musing like that. He took a quick look at his wristwatch and
turned back to Heero. “Speaking of work, you’ll be late if you won’t leave
soon.”
Still sipping his coffee,
Heero looked up at the clock hanging on the opposite wall. He frowned and
finished his drink with one gulp.
“Right... work...” He
muttered, putting his mug down and quickly getting up.
Duo couldn’t help noting the
bitter tone of Heero’s voice. He frowned, wondering what was wrong.
It was Heero’s idea that he
should get a job. He was well qualified to do more than a just sit at home,
having both the knowledge and maturity for it. The only thing he lacked was
experience, but he was pretty certain that in time he could gain it. Beside
that, he wasn’t willing to sit at home all day as he used to. He got bored
easily and felt very inefficient. He wanted to do something with his life, and
to top it all he felt obliged to contribute his share with the rent. After all
he was not a child living with his parents, but a grown man who was sharing an
apartment with his friend. There was no good reason for him to be sponging off
Duo.
And so, with a little effort
and some time searching, Heero was able to find himself a reasonable job. It was
hard for him to find a place that accepted him as an employee. He hadn’t
graduated from any college, or high school for that matter, and the only
diploma he did have was one from a mental institute that assured that he
was well educated and mentally healthy. Healthy or not, the minute people heard
the words “mental institute”, they paled and politely told him that he did not
qualify. No one gave him even a small chance, no matter how simple the job was.
That really hurt him, and he
was quite down for a while. Duo offered him a job at Perkins’s, but Heero
refused. He said that he wanted to find something on his own, to prove his own
worth. Duo nodded in understanding and never raised the topic again. He helped
Heero in whatever he could, but the young man insisted on doing things on his
own. It was a matter of pride, and probably a deep urge to prove himself that
he could do it.
Eventually, Heero found
himself a job at a small bookstore, which was also an Internet-Café. Since he
loved reading (his room was packed with shelves holding dozens of books) he
found that job quite enjoyable. It wasn’t very hard, but it wasn’t as simple as
being a clerk in a convenient store. He helped the customers, did the inventory
and was also helping the owner- a nice elderly woman- with the management of
the place. He was quite a math wiz and not once did she ask for his help with
balancing the books. He also came in handy with the Internet-café department,
for after a few weeks working there, Heero discovered that he had a knack for
computers as well. He must have read about fifty computer-related books in less
than three months, trying to teach himself about his newfound hobby. So
whenever there was a problem with one of the computers in the store, Heero was
the one to fix it. What he sometimes found odd was the fact that most of the
computer problems he had to fix, had to do with the computers used by customers
of the fairer sex. Somehow there would always be disconnected cables that he
had to bend down and fix...
All in all Heero was quite
content with his current job. He was well paid and he had made friends with a
few of the regular customers. Not to mention that the store’s owner- Mrs. Riley
- had practically declared him as her long lost nephew, treating him like he
was a member of her family instead of a man who was simply working for her.
Taking all of this into
consideration, Duo couldn’t come up with an answer as to what was bothering
Heero. Why did he seem so reluctant to go to work?
He could hear the young man
sigh and turned to look at him. Heero was standing by the sink, a glass of
water in one hand and a small white pill in the other. Duo could see that he
was eyeing the little pill in distaste, making a sour face before he swallowed
it with some water. The sound of the glass being slammed on the counter echoed
through the kitchen, and Duo nearly winced.
Something was wrong here. It
wasn’t like Heero to be so forceful.
Acting as if none of that
happened, Heero turned to walk out of the kitchen, yanking his jacket off the
back of his chair. "Ja ne." He muttered and then hurried to walk
away.
Duo frowned, listening to the
loud rattling sound Heero’s keys made as he shoved them into his pocket, and
then left- slamming the door behind him.
Something was very VERY wrong
here. He’ll have to ask Heero about it this evening. Meanwhile, he was expected
at the office in half an hour.
* * *
Five hours into his workday
and already Heero was feeling like he was ready to go home. Nothing unpleasant
had happened, but Heero knew that with his rotten luck, it was bound to come.
Sooner or later.
He kept watching the glass
door that lead into the store, even while he was busy arranging the new
shipment of books into their designated shelves. He was standing on a small
ladder, a bunch of books in one arm, and another book in his second hand. He
was currently reaching blindly towards the shelf, unknowingly placing a “B”
book under the “D” section. Heero was so busy watching the door, that he didn’t
even notice that he was misplacing the books. His eyes were trained on the
door, and occasionally glancing around the store, just in case.
The store was quite big,
almost like a convenient-store. It was divided into three sections. There was
the area that held all the large bookshelves, and next to it was a place to sit
and read/work- just like a library. Right next to it was the Internet section-
containing about half a dozen rows of computers, and lastly there was the small
canteen, with a few small tables in front of it. Food was not allowed anywhere
else in the store, except for the workers who ate wherever they pleased. Well,
make it Heero who ate wherever he please, for Riley always forgave him for it,
saying that as long as he ate, she didn’t mind where. She was so caught onto
the belief that Heero was too skinny, which of course, he denied
constantly.
Most of the regular customers
were college or university students. Some of them would spend their whole day
in this place, studying, surfing the net or just sitting in the small café
area. Since it was still early noon, the store was mostly empty, but still
there were a few young men and women sitting in various areas of the store.
Heero eyed each and every one of them warily, before returning his attention to
the door. And then back again.
“She must me quite an
eye-catcher!” An amused female voice called from somewhere below, and Heero
flinched, startled. He nearly dropped the books he was holding, but managed to
fix his hold on them in the last possible minute. He sighed in irritation and
turned back to his task- placing the books on shelf even when he knew that he
was filing them wrongly. He will have to redo it later but it was better than
looking down at the person who just spoke.
“So who’s the lucky lady?”
The voice continued teasingly.
“There’s no lucky lady,
Obasan.” Heero muttered in response, rolling his eyes.
“A fellow perhaps?” The
elderly woman, who was also Heero’s employer, teased again.
Heero snorted. “Don’t you
have some books to balance?”
The old lady gave out a small
laugh. “Oh please, Heero. You’ve done it all already. There’s nothing left for
me to do!”
“In that case, my apology.”
The young man replied bitterly, taking a “B” book from the “E” section and
placing it in its rightful place. “Why won’t you go nag Raul for a while? He
seems kinda bored at the cash register.” He continued with a smirk, sending a
quick glance at the counter by the door, where one dark skinned young man was
busy leaning against the counter, drooling in his sleep.
“I bet he wouldn’t mind a
wakeup call.” Heero added sarcastically, returning his attention to the books.
The old lady, Riley, snorted.
Of course, any other employee
wouldn’t dare to speak to Old Mrs. Riley like that, but Heero had privileges
that others didn’t. He was her “long lost nephew” after all. The two had
a relationship that went beyond employer and employee, and so he felt free to
speak to her like that. Riley, of course, didn’t think twice about the way she
spoke to her “nephew” and felt free to tease him about anything in the world.
Heero played along, enjoying the game even if he pretended to be annoyed by her
teasing. After all, it did make his day a lot more interesting.
“So what were you looking at
so intensely?” The gray-haired woman asked, her voice suddenly serious. “You look
troubled. In fact, you’ve looked troubled for quite some time now. Is anything
wrong? Are you eating regularly?”
Heero chuckled, shaking his
head in amusement. Somehow, with Riley, it always managed to come down to this-
food.
“Is that brat Maxwell feeding
you well enough?” She question, raising a skeptic eyebrow.
The young Asian man turned to
her with a sharp look. “Obasan, Duo is not a brat.” He smirked. “He just
happens to be handicapped by natural maturity.”
Riley chuckled and turned to look
up at Heero, whose gaze returned to a more serious expression.
“And he doesn’t have to feed
me. I can cook for myself, you know.”
“Ah, you two are still too
thin!” The lady muttered, waving her hand in a dismissing gesture. “I can’t
even remember the last time you two came over for dinner.”
Heerghedghed, returning to
his task. “Well, Duo’s been very busy lately.”
“And you?” The old lady
asked, her wise eyes looking up at Heero with concern.
Heero sighed again. “Same
old, I suppose.”
Riley sighed. “Well, you’re
still too pale for my liking. Eat something after you finish this...” She
muttered, walking away towards the back room, where her office was.
Heero watched her leave, his
eyes shining thankfully.
The sound of the front door
opening, marked by the small bell that hung above it, echoed throughout the
store and Heero jumped, nearly falling off his ladder. He whirled his head in
the direction of the door, his eyes wide, shining som something akin to fear.
When he saw two young female customers walk into the store, he relaxed and
released a long breath. He shook his head, as if disappointed of himself, and
returned back to work.
* * *
“Uh, excuse me? Can I get
some help here please?”
A timid and quiet voice broke
the library-like silence of the store. Heero, who was currently having his
lunch (as much as his small sandwich could be referred to as lunch), looked up.
He was currently standing behind the registration counter, so the area from
which the request was made was out of sight. Sighing, Heero turned to look at
the young man standing half asleep by the cash register, and rolled his eyes.
“Don’t bother yourself, Raul...” He muttered and put his sandwich aside. “I’ll
take it...” He finished with a sigh, rounding the counter and making his way
towards the Internet-Café a He He could feel a headache building up...
“Who needs help?” He asked
when he finally got there, looking around at the various customers sitting in
front of the computers.
“Over here.” The voice called
again, and Heero turned to look at one of the terminals not so far away from
him. A young woman was sitting by it, waving at him. Heero sighed and forced on
a small smile. He approached her.
“What seems to be the
problem?” He asked, looking down at the monitor with a slight frown on his
face. He couldn’t see anything wrong with it... He turned to look at the young
woman. He couldn’t help but quickly scan her, running his eyes over her once or
twice. She was about his age, maybe a bit younger. She had emerald-green eyes
and long ebony hair, which seemed to shine under the soft light of the store.
Added to that was her pale ivory skin and pretty features.
Heero’s frown deepened and he
looked away from her. Pretty features?! Where the hell that THAT come from?!
He shook his head slightly and
focused his attention on the monitor. “What’s wrong with it?” He asked, keeping
his voice leveled so he will not sound as annoyed as he felt at the moment. His
headache was beginning to REALLY bug him, pounding mercilessly at his temples.
He knew from the moment he left home that this was going to be a bad day...
“Well, it just seems to be...
stuck.” The young lady finally spoke, reaching two gentle hands to the
keyboard. “Overloaded maybe.”
For a long moment, all Heero
could do was stare down at her hands, following the slim white fingers as they
danced over the keyboard.
“...I mean it was all working
fine and then this happened. Do you have any idea what could be wrong?”
Her hands... they seemed so
gentle... he wondered if they were as soft as they looked.
“Excuse me? Were you
listening?” Her voice finally registered in his brain.
Heero blinked, a bit baffled.
He looked up at her, his gaze confused. “Pardon?”
The girl rolled her eyes. “I
was talking about your CPU usage.” She repeated, her green eyes a bit annoyed.
“I said I think it might be a virus.”
That surely managed to bring
him back to here and now. His eyes widened and he whirled around to face the
monitor. “A virus?!” He exclaimed, horrified. “But I just managed to kill one
of these worms last month!”
Ahhh... the headache was at
least TEN times worse now! He shouldn’t have gotten out of bed this morning...
The green-eyed woman cleared
her throat and pulled herself closer to the terminal. “I said I think it
might be a virus. I didn’t say that it is one.” She tried to calm him.
Heero rolled his eyes. “I
heard what you said.” He turned to face her again. “Could you please move over,
uh...”
“Sarah. Sarah Ross.”
young woman introduced herself, while getting out of her seat.
“Thanks.” Heero mumbled under
his breath, settling in her chair. His hands were flying across the keyboard in
no time, his cobalt eyes fixed on the screen as if it was the only thing that
existed in the world.
Sarah stood next to him,
watching him with curious green eyes. She smiled slightly at the sight of utter
focus and determination on his face as he worked in lightning speShe She turned
to look at the monitor, paying attention to what he was doing.
“You haven’t introduced
yourself yet.” She reminded him, watching him in amusement.
Still focused on his task, it
took Heero a while to register what she said. “. . . Heero Yuy.” He finally
spoke after some time, his hands running across the keyboard and his eyes
quickly scanning the screen.
“Nice to meet you, Heero.” Sarah
replied with a smile, crossing her hands over her chest as she continued
watching the young Japanese man work.
“Hn. It’s not a virus.” Heero
suddenly said, a triumphed look on his somewhat pale face.
Sarah’s eyes narrowed as she
watched his expression change from triumph to... she couldn’t put her finger on
it, but it didn’t look like a good thing.
“Is something wrong?” She
asked, genuinely concerned.
“...no.” Heero breathed,
wincing slightly. He turned a little in the chair so she couldn’t see his face
properly, and continued typing.
Sarah couldn’t help but
notice that the movement of his hands over the keyboard was slowing down. After
a while it was reduced to merely punching one key at a time. She frowned and
turned to examine the young man’s face. She was about to suggest that he’d take
a break or something, but he beat her into speaking.
“. . . .some idiot had a
secret program running in the background. I deleted it.” He spoke, his voice
quiet as if tired. He keyed in a few more commands and then slowly stood up.
She followed him with her eyes, concern shining in the green orbs. Heero
offered her a weary smile, his eyes looking dull all of a sudden. He gestured
at the chair.
“You can keep working now.”
He said, and before Sarah had the chance to thank him, he excused himself and
quickly walked away. He was practically running when he arrived to the back of
the store, pushing the door that led into the back rooms forcefully. He made a
quick dash to the bathroom and without even closing the door he leaned over the
toilet and began to vomit.
His temples throbbed
painfully and tears clung to his eyelashes as he squeezed his eyes shut,
emptying what little he ate into the toilet. When there was nothing left but
stomach acid, he pulled back, taking deep breaths and trying to calm down. His
breathing was ragged, his features damp with sweat but yet extremely pale. He
leaned his head against the wall, looking up at the ceiling with numb and
glazed cobalt eyes.
“Definitely not a good
day...” He whispered, reaching a shaking hand into his jeans pocket. He closed
his fist around a small bottle of pills, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply.
“...definitely not good...” He repeated weakly, pulling the pills out of his
pocket. He shoved one into his mouth, taking a few more long breaths before he
washed his face and went back to work.
* * *
“So I was thinking... that
maybe I should fire that Mitchell guy... and promote Heather Rifkin. I mean...
the poor woman’s been waiting for a promotion and a raise... for months now…
It’s only fair to... give it to her... instead of that slob Mitchell... Don’t
you think?” Duo asked, slightly panting. He was currently running on a
treadmill, wearing
his workout pants, a ragged tank top and a white towel around his neck. His
skin was breaking sweat, his long bangs sticking to his eyes. His hair,
reaching down to his shoulder blades, was held back in a short ponytail.
On the machine next to him, Heero was also running. He too
was wearing his workout clothes, a similar white towel around his neck and his
messy bangs drenched with sweat. He was panting as well, a distant look in his
glazed blue eyes as he stared down at the machine’s console.
The two gave regular visits to the gym three times a week.
It was a thing they always did together. Usually they didn’t have much time to
spend with each other, being busy with work most of the time, but thas oas one
of their “sacred activities”. They’ve been doing it for quite a long time now,
and the hard work was clearly showing. Both young men were sturdy and well
built. Even Heero, who was very thin and frail looking for the first three
years after his rescue, had gained his muscular frame back. He had gained some
weight (not more than necessary of course) and his skin returned to its full golden
hue. It was almost like the last six years never happened...
After asking the question, Duo waited a few seconds for
Heero to answer. All he heard, though, was the humming of Heero’s running
machine and the young man’s panting. He sighed in slight irritation, and
to look up at Heero. “So what do you think I should do?” He asked, still
panting. “Should I give Heather a chance? I mean, she deserves it, no?”
Heero gave no response, and
merely kept running, his pace a little slower than Duo’s. He was looking down
numbly at the controllers; sweat trickling downs his pale face. The LED display
on the console, which marked the exercise level from green LEDs to red ones,
was currently somewhere in the middle. Heero seemed to be looking at the LED
display thoughtfully, as if it was the greatest riddle he ever faced.
Duo frowned. “Ne, Heero, are
you listening or what?” He asked, a bit annoyed at Heero’s lack of response.
Again there was no answer.
The only thing Heero did do, was to reach down for the controllers, and
speed up the pace. The LEDs flashed in an orange light now, nearing towards the
red level. The motor hummed loudly, and the rubber belt sped its roatating
pace. But for some odd reason, Heero wasn’t matching his running speed, and
just kept looking at the console. After a few seconds he blinked, as if
startled, and began running a little faster.
Duo sighed and rolled his
eyes. He turned away from Heero, facing forward, still running. “So we’re not
in a talking mood today?” He asked, his voice bitter.
Once again he was answered by
silence. Heero raised the speed by another degree, the motor rumbling in
protest. The LED display was now red, marking that the running machine was
about to reach its limit.
Duo shot a quick glance
Heero’s way. “Did something happen at work?” He asked timidly, remembering that
he wanted to ask Heero this before. “People giving you a hard time?”
He could see Heero frowning,
still gawking at the controls. Confusion was clear in his numb cobalt eyes. He
was panting loudly now, struggling to match his running speed to the velocity
of the belt. Duo’s eyebrows drew near and he eyes his friend in concern.
“Say, Heero, are you okay
over there?”
“Fire Mitchell.” Heero
suddenly said, and raised the speed a notch higher. The LEDs shone brightly
red, and a small LCD screen flashed the figures: ‘MAX- 12 mph’.
Duo snorted, still not
looking at Heero. “Fine. Avoid the subject.” He muttered, reaching up to rub
the bridge of his nose.
Heero’s treadmill began to
hum and buzz loudly, reaching its limits. The belt was moving extremely fast
now, but the young Asian man didn’t seem to notice it, and kept running at the
previous speed.
Duo sent another quick glance
at Heero’s way, his eyes widening. “Heero, what are you doing?!” He called out
it fright, as he saw the boy raise the speed to its highest level.
The machine was now shaking
and rattling in its place, as if about to explode. Heero was struggling to keep
up, but failing miserably.
“Heero stop that! You’ll
never catch up!” Duo called, bringing his own treadmill to a blunt stop. He
jumped off it and quickly rushed to Heero.
But he was a mille second too
late, for Heero’s feet gave way, unable to catch up with the machine. He fell
down, still on the machine itself. The revolving rubber belt
second until he fell off the machine completely, thrown up in the air and then
crashing flatly on his back.
All the people in the workout room stopped their activity
and turned to stare at the fallen young man.
Duo gaped, unable to make himself move. What the hell had
just happened?!
He stared at Heero, unblinking, trying to understand why
the youan dan did that. When he saw that Heero was not attempting to get up, he
became worried and quickly ran to his side. He knelt down next to him, his
amethyst eyes shining with worry as they scanned the man from head to toe.
“Heero? Heero! Are you okay? Did you hit your head?”
The young man, who was staring unblinkingly at the ceiling
up until now, finally blinked and turned to look at Duo.
“. . . . . . I... I fell.” He whispered, completely dazed.
“Yeah, I noticed.” Duo muttered, helping Heero to sit up.
“What the hell were you trying to do? Race with the Roadrunner?!”
Dull cobalt eyes merely stared at Duo for what seemed like
an eternity, their gaze none-comprehending. After a while, Heero blinked,
shaking his head a little. “Baka...” He finally mumbled, raising a hand up to
support head,ead, as if it was too heavy.
Duo watched him with deep concern. “Seriously, Heero,
what’s wrong? What just happened here?” He asked, helping his friend get up on
his feet.
Heero didn’t answer at first, taking his time to steady
himself on his feet. Duo watched him closely all along, wondering if he had hit
his head after all, and if he was concussed. But that wasn’t possible. From one
small thump to the head?
His attention was drawn back to Heero when the young man
turned to look at him again.
“...... it was...... too slow.”
Duo stared at him, completely dumbfound. “Too slow?!” He
finally let out, whirling around to look at the smoke-raising treadmill and
then back at Heero, his violet eyes intense. “Too slow!? Heero, you were going
at a speed of twelve miles per hour! It wasn’t slow at all!”
Heero didn’t answer, and just
stared at Duo, as if not understanding what the other was saying.
Fed up with Heero’s
unresponsive mood, Duo sighed and grabbed his wrist gently. “C’mon, you’re
probably exhausted, that must be it.” He spoke softly, guiding Heero towards
the locker rooms. “We should probably be leaving anyway. I’m tired too.”
Heero still didn’t respond,
and merely let Duo drag him along with him to the showers. Halfway there, he
blinked, as if coming awake, and began to look around him, confused. He turned
to look at Duo, a frown on his face.
“We’re lea...ving..?” He
mumbled, confusion clear in his voice.
Duo stopped, and turned
around to look at him, concerned. “Heero, are you sure you’re okay? Are you
feeling all right?”
“. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . my head hurts.”
Duo frowned, his amethyst
eyes shining with worry. He tightened his hold around Heero’s wrist and then
quickly guided him into the locker room. “C’mon, Hee-chan, the sooner we’re out
of here, the sooner you’re in bed.”
* * *
Hot, soft and gentle. Touching
him everywhere, all at once. Trailing over his body, up... and down... and
further down...
So soft...
Warm...
Ahh. . . . delicious. . . .
White light replaced the
Darkness. So pure. So white... So warm.
. .
Beep!
If only he didn’t have to
leave so soon...
Beep!Beep!
...maybe he will have the
chance to see his angel... his rescuer...
Beep!Beep!Beep!
...the one who chased the
Black Hands away...
Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!
He never knew such pleasure
before. Only pain. Pain and darkness. Misery... tears... betrayal...
Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!
Oh please don’t leave...
please... Oh sweet gods... please...
Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!
“...keep touching me...
please...”
Heero gasped, coming fully
awake in a second as he realized that he had whispered it out loud.
Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!
The insistent alarm clock was
beeping like crazy. It was time to wake up and welcome yet another day.
With nnoynnoyed grumble,
Heero turned in his bed and shut the alarm off. He continued to lie in bed for
a few more minutes, trying to steady his breath and get back the control over
his body. He took a few long breaths, closing his eyes in concentration.
Well, at least his head
didn’t hurt today. Yesterday he felt rotten, but today he was doing much
better. His mind was clear once more; the foggy sensation that he felt
yesterday had vanished over night.
Yawning lazily, Heero threw
his covers aside and got up. He showered, and went to have his coffee. Before
he left home, he stopped to take his pill, pausing before he swallowed it. He
looked down at it thoughtfully, remembering the awful headache he had
yesterday, similar to those he used to have before he was given these pills.
Heero then decided to take an extra pill today, just to be sure that the
headaches won’t come back. He quickly swallowed the two white pills and then
hurried to wash them down with a little water. He wished Duo a good day and
went off to work, hoping that today would indeed be a better day.
* * *
The bell that hung above the
front door rang a few times, signaling the entry of a few arrivals into the
store. Heero, who was currently standing at the cash register, looked up at the
new customers. He tensed. His face paled and he quickly looked away from the bunch
of young college students who entered the store. He pretended having to tie his
shoelaces and bent down, so he was well hidden behind the counter.
The group of boys, all nicely
dressed, tall and blond, walked into the store like they were its owners. They
had the looks of a fancy fraternity - which they probably were by their jackets
- and they didn’t even bother to go into the library section of the store,
making their way into the café area.
Heero straightened up again,
moving slowly as he got up to his feet again. He quickly scanned the store,
looking for the bunch of young men. He spotted them at the café area, pulling
out chairs so they could sit next to a couple of young women, clearly hassling
the group with their flirting.
“Those punks are here again.”
Riley’s bitter voice spoke from somewhere next to him, and Heero turned to face
her. The old woman sighed as she watched the young women try to get away from
the hassling group, trying to move to anotheble,ble, but the boys just laughed
loudly and followed them.
Riley growled. “Ooo... wait
till I get my hands on those brats...” She muttered, balling her hands into
fists. “If their parents weren’t running half this town, I would have smacked
their bottoms a long time ago!”
Heero smiled weakly at that
remarked, also watching the group closely. His eyes shone with uncertainty as
he watched them, his heart beating faster. “I can... get rid of them, if you
want.” He whispered, wanting to sound confident, but his voice faltered.
“Oh no, young man! You’re not
getting your ass into trouble for me!” Riley exclaimed, waving her hands
dramatically. “They’ll go away in a while.” She said, and began to walk away,
back to her office in the back of the store. “I hope...”
Heero didn’t even turn to
watch her leave, still looking at the group of bratty boys, his expression one
of anxiety. He tried to keep his mind off them and continue to work, but like a
fear stricken animal, he was aware of their every move. He kept working, trying
his best to look awaom tom the group of bullies. That was until a high-pitched
female voice rang through the store.
“Give it back! C’mon Stephan!
Give it back!”
Heero looked up from his
work, turning to look in the direction the voice had come from. His hands began
to slightly tremble when he saw two of the bullies approach the counter. One, a
blond and powerful-looking guy, was holding a book casually in his hand, and
the other one was following him, looking like a bodyguard. Running behind them,
trying to catch up, was a young teenage girl with long blond hair tied back in
a ponytail. She looked pissed, glaring at the tall blond guy, yelling at him.
“Stephan! This isn’t funny! I
have a test tomorrow! Bring the book BACK!”
The blond guy, Stephan, just
snickered and rolled his eyes. He came to stand in front of the counter, where
Heero stood, and threw the book down on it. He turned his gaze up to look at
the startled young man in front of him, smirking as he noted that his action
had made thung ung man flinch.
“Hey retard,” He began
mockingly. “I wanna check this book out.”
“Stephan! You’re not taking
this book! I need it!” The girl shouted, panting, rushing over to the reception
desk.
Heero turned to look at her,
noting the fearful look in her eyes. He then took a deep breath, trying to
compose himself before he turned to face the bully.
“This isn’t a library. You’ll
have to buy the book if you’re going to take it home with you.” He spoke,
trying to keep his voice at monotone and his gaze cold. But his resolve was
slowly fading as the young man in front of him just kept smirking into his
face.
“Hey listen, retard,
I’m not asking you, I’m TELLING you!”
“Stephan, stop it.” The girl,
who was now standing by the tall blond, begged him with a timid voice. “Don’t
start bugging him again.”
Stephan snorted. “I’m not bugging
him, girl! I’m just stating the facts. You are a retard, right?” He turned to
smirk at Heero, his gaze mocking. “Right?”
Heero wanted nothing else but
to glare at the guy, but instead all he could manage was a blank expression.
Nothing hurt him more than being called a ‘retard’. Somehow, people managed to
find out about his history in the mental institute. None of them knew for fact
why he was committed there, but it was enough to make people look at him
differently. Most of them were nice and thought nothing of it, but some of them
were less kind and thought themselves superior to him. He was inferior to no
one, but he did have one major weakness. Words sometimes hurt him, more than
any physical pain. Being verbally terrorized by these bullies for some weeks
now, Heero found that their hurtful words were beginning to get to him. A
punching match he could somehow handle, but being treated like a lower life
form was more painful and degrading than being punched in the face.
His heart was beating
frantically, and his headache was showing signs of coming back. But he let none
of that show and just glared at the bully. He fixed his best death-glare at him
and growled: “If you’re not going to buy anything then- Get. Out.”
The bully snorted, looking at
the ‘bodyguard’ by his side in a look that said- ‘that idiot actually thinks
that he can threaten me!?’. The other brawny bully chuckled and shook his head
in amusement.
“Looks like the retard is
trying to stand up to us, huh?!” Stephan spoke again, turning to smirk at
Heero. He chuckled mockingly. “Fucking retard!” He spat, reaching out a hand as
if he was about to smack Heero on the head, which cause the young man to
flinch, but then Stephan withdrew his hand back without even touching Heero,
and chuckled. “Ooo... retard boy is scared of the big bad bully!”
“Get out of here or I’ll call
the police.” Heero growled, glaring. His headache was beginning to pound
against his skull again, and his legs were starting to feel like jelly. However
he struggled not to show this weakness and focused all of his strength on his
glare, eyeing the tall blond coldly.
Stephan returned his cold
glare with a one of his own, as his bodyguard watched the duel with a smirk.
The girl behind them sighed.
“C’mon Stephan, that’s enough. Stop bothering him.”
“I wasn’t bothering you, was
I retard?” He asked, looking at Heero mockingly.
“Get. Out. Now!” Heero
growled, his hands balling into fists and his temples throbbing painfully.
The tall bully snorted. He
turned to the girl standing behind him, a sly smile on his face. He placed his
arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him, forcing her to look at
the angry young man behind the counter. “Now ya see, sugar, there’s nothing
wrong with calling people by what they really are. Like, I’m a great guy whose
offering you a great date tonight, and he’s a retard.”
“You don’t know that. You
just call people whatever you want!” The girl growled, trying to free herself
from his grip. “And I said that I have to study for a test tonight!”
Heero watched them, his gaze
detached. His head was feeling as if it was ready to explode... it was hard to
pay attention to things. Everything was faraway... as if happening in slow
motion...
“Oh, yeah?” Stephan’s voice brought Heero back into the
here and now, and he turned a pair of glazed cobalt eyes towards the tall
blond. Stephan smirked at him, his gaze mocking. “Why won’t you tell my little
friend here, retard, how much is, say... two plus two.” He snickered
after the question, clearly pleased with himself.
Heero gaped at him, his eyes empty.
head felt funny....
“Well, c’mon, retard, tell us! Two plus two! C’mon! Show
her how smart you are!” Stephan called and his friend snickered. The girl
looked up at Heero worriedly. There was something wrong with him, his eyes
looked wrong. They were dull. Empty...
“C’mon! Do you need a calculator maybe?” The blond bully
continued mocking. “Ya know what?! I’ll make it easier for you! Two times one.
How much is that, huh?!”
Heero merely stared, his gaze baffled and his eye
unfocused.
The girl began to look troubled. She took a step closer to
the young Japanese man, looking at him with unease. “Don’t you know the
answer?” She asked, finding it hard to believe.
The only response Heero gave was to slowly turn to her,
his eyes widening as if he was surprised to see her there.
Stephan chuckled mockingly
and put his arm around the girl’s shoulders. “C’mon, sugar, there’s no use
talking to this nutcase. Lets go have some fun, okay?”
The girl frowned, still
looking up at Heero, waiting for him to respond in any way.
“C’mon, girl!” Stephan urged
her, pulling the young girl with him. But even as he dragged her away, she
couldn’t take her eyes off Heero, watching him with wide eyes and a stunned
expression.
A drop of blood fell on the
smooth surface of the counter.
And then another, falling
down on the counter-top like bloody rain.
“...he’s bleeding...” The
girl mumbled, just as Stephan dragged her out of the store.
Dizzy and disoriented, Heero
turned two glazed cobalt eyes to look at the counter, trying to understand what
was wrong with it. But it was so hard to think...
Another drop of blood fell,
this time staining the collar of Heero’s shirt, which he wore under a blue
sweater. Another one followed, and then another, both of them falling on the
counter top.
Heero’s eyes slowly widened
in realization and his lips parted in surprise. He reached up a shaking hand to
touch his right temple. He could feel the thick warm liquid brush against the
tip of his finger. He brought his hand forward, watching it in confusion, as
the rest of the bullies left the store, looking at him oddly.
But Heero saw none of that.
His attention focused solely on his blood-coated finger. Blood was now
trickling down the side of his face, and a wave of weakness and nausea ran
through him. His feet nearly gave way, and he let out a small moan, hands
flinging down to lean on the counter’s top. He bent forward, supporting his
weight on his arms. His glazed blue eyes stared unblinkingly at the floor, wide
with shock and confusion. His breath was shallow, blood still running down his
temples, cheeks and to the floor.
He gasped, and without
further delay, made a quick dash towards the back room; holding his head with
both hands, blood sipping from between his fingers. He was running so fast,
that he nearly bumped into Mrs. Riley, who was just walking towards the front
desk. When she saw the young man streak by her, she whirled around, her eyes worried.
“Heero, what’s wrong!?” She
called after him, watching him with worried eyes. His answer baffled her even
more than why he was running.
Because just as Heero
disappeared behind the door leading to the back, he called out: “FOUR!”
* * *
Rushing into the small
bathroom in the back of the store, Heero hurried to close the door and lock it
behind him. He stood by the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. Two thin
trails of blood ran down from each of his temples. He reached up two frantic
hands to the back of his head, pushing thick strands of hair aside, until his
fingers found more wetness. His fingers brushing against the wetness for a full
minute before Heero’s eyes widened and he gasped in realization. The scars on
the back of his head were bleeding as well.
Heero’s eyes began to water
and he eyed his reflection miserably. His head was also pounding mercilessly, a
loud and sharp ringing in his ears. He wanted it to stop!
His movements hysterical,
Heero reached down to open the faucet all the way. The gush of water poured
down like a waterfall. Without even thinking, Heero shoved his head under the
cold stream, closing his eyes tightly and letting the water rain on him. He
remained like that for a long while, tears escaping his eyes and mingling with
the cold water.
The sharp ringing in his ears
slowly faded, like someone was slowly turning the volume down. The throbbing in
his temples was more bearable now.
Taking a deep breath, Heero
straightened up again; wet bangs sticking to his face, obscuring his eyes. He
stared at his refection from behind wet and messy bangs, noting that the
bleeding stopped. He remained standing like that for a full five minutes,
before turning off the faucet and slowly pushing his bangs out of his eyes. He
took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure.
His blue sweater was
hair dripping water. He took off his sweater and used it to dry his hair. When
he was done he threw the damp sweater aside and tried his best to look
presentable. He brushed his wet hair with his fingers, pushing it back and out
of his eyes. He then fixed the blood stained collar of his shirt, folding it so
the blood wasn’t visible. When he was done with that, he reached a shaking hand
into his jeans pocket and pulled out his small bottle of pills.
He looked at it lengthily,
his eyes shimmering with hesitation. Sighing, he plucked the bottle and took
out a single white pill. Wishing and praying that the pill will be successful
in preventing any more headaches for the day, Heero quickly gulped it down. He
closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart.
Fear began to stir inside
him. He suddenly realized that he nearly doubled his dosage of the pills,
because the headaches were returning. Once he only needed to take them every
twelve hours, but now he took them more often. Did that mean the pills no
longer worked? That their effect was weaker now? After he took them he was
fine, but a few hours later... he had to take another one unless he wanted a
jackhammer for a brain.
But that wasn’t all...
something else was wrong... he just couldn’t place his finger on it. He was
overseeing something very important... something... he wasn’t sure what...
but... something was wrong. Either with him or the pills, he didn’t know. But
something was wrong... there was something that he wasn’t seeing...
Hopefully, once the pill will
kick in, he will be able to think more clearly. Maybe then he will find his
answer.
* * *
When he came back into the
store, still a little shaken and disoriented, he was finding it difficult to
walk in a straight line. Concentrating on each and every step, Heero kept his
gaze on the floor. That’s why he couldn’t see the figure that was approaching
him, until the two collided with each other.
The sound of many books
crashing to the floor was what made Heero pull out of his daze, more than the
fact that he had just bumped into someone. Apologizing quickly, Heero knelt
down and began to collect the fallen books off the floor. His hand was still
trembling a little as he moved it, trying to get a good hold on a book.
“So we meet again, huh?” A
female voice spoke, and Heero turned his head up. He blinked a little, trying
to focus his vision on the blurry figure. He gaped at her for a long while,
having a hard time connecting a name to the face. After a while it came to him,
striking him like lightning. “Sarah, right?” He mumbled, looking back down at
the mess of books on the floor.
“Yup.” The young woman
answered, also bending down to collect her books. “Are you feeling better?” She
asked, picking up a book.
Heero frowned, looking at her
in confusion. “Why do you ask?”
She shrugged. “You looked a
little ill the last time we met, so I was just wondering.” She answered simply,
and then smiled. “Nothing wrong with being friendly, right?”
He sighed and turned back to
look at the floor, reaching for another book. “I feel fine, thank you.” He
answered quietly, his hand trembling as if trying to expose his lie.
“Ahh...” Sarah let out, not
missing the sight of his hand shaking. They continued to work in silence,
piling the fallen books in a small heap between them. There was only one book
left, a bit far from each of them, and they both spotted it at the same time.
They also both decided to bend towards it at the same time, and so their hands
met as they both reached the book.
Heero nearly flinched at the
contact, a shiver running down his spine. He never did respond well to contact
with strangers. Old fears had the tendency to come back even when they were not
needed. But he didn’t move his hand, feeling as if it was glued to its spot. He
looked at where their hands met with wide and dull cobalt eyes, his lips
slightly parted.
Sarah chuckled, trying to get
out of the embarrassing situation. “It’s okay, I got it.” She said, slowly
pulling her hand away and sliding the book out of his grasp.
Heero followed the movement
of her hand with his eyes, his lips parting in awe.
“Thanks for your help.” Sarah
thanked him with a smile, picking up her pile of books while she stood up. She
looked down at Heero, who was still kneeling on the floor, looking down at it.
She frowned. “Hey, are you sure that everything is okay?” She asked, her green
eyes shining with worry.
“...you’re welcome.” Heero
mumbled, his head still bowed. He kept looking down at the floor, even while
Sarah said her goodbye and walked away. He just kept staring at the spot where
her hand once were, unable to turn away or think about anything but what he was
thinking right now:
Her hand... it was... it was
so....... soft...
* * *
The soft hum of the crowd
working out in the gym could still be heard inside the shower rooms. It was
accompanied by the soft sound of running water and the quiet sound of
conversation between various men. Steam was floating around the large locker
room, making everything humid and hazy. By one of the private lockers, sitting
on a white bench that was as long as the aisle of lockers itself, was Heero. He
was already after his shower, wearing a worn-out pair of jeans and no shirt. He
had a towel around his neck, absorbing the small rain of water his hair was
making. He was currently bending down to pick his small duffle off the floor,
his movements slow and his features tired.
Behind him, by his open
locker, stood Duo, brushing his wet hair in front of a small mirror attached to
the locker’s inner door. He sent a quick glance at Heero, who was now pulling
out a small bottle of mineral water out of his bag, and then turned back to the
mirror.
“Are you feeling ill again?”
He asked, his voice not coming out as concerned as he wanted it to. He had
asked this question so many times lately that he begansounsound like he was
asking about the weather.
Heero took a few long sips of
water and then shook his head. “No, I feel fine.” He turned to look at Duo.
“Why?”
Duo shrugged. “I just found
it odd that you didn’t cover your usual quota.” He said simply, stroking his
hair. It was still short, merely reaching his shoulder blades, but still, it
was somewhat of a comfort to be able to brush it all the way down, and not just
deal with short and spiky hairs.
Heero shrugged and drank some
more water. “Too busy thinking, I guess.” Something he didn’t get to do often
nowadays, so it was a big blessing when he could think clearly.
“Oh? What about?” Duo asked
in interest, sending another glance towards Heero.
The young Asian man didn’t
answer and returned to drinking his water.
Duo sighed and turned back to
the mirror. He put the brush back in his locker and took a small hair-band,
gathering his hair into a ponytail as he looked into the mirror. God he wished
his hair would grow faster. He missed his braid. He didn’t like braiding his
hair when it was sho short. He wanted a long braid, like he used to
have. He grimaced as he began putting the hair-band on, but then suddenly
froze, gaping at the mirror.
But he was no longer looking
at his own reflection. Not at all, actually. He was gaping at a reflection that
was behind his. Just coming out of one of the shower stalls, was a young, tanned,
wet and incredibly sexy... no, incredibly GORGEOUS young man. He was tall and
muscular, wearing nothing but a white towel around his waist, his muscled torso
dripping with shiny droplets of water. His hair, which Duo assumed was dark
blond or something (it was hard to tell when its wet) was also dripping water
down his brawny back. He was fairly thin, his body lithe and his every movement
graceful.
Duo felt his cheeks turn red
and quickly looked away. What the hell was wrong with him?! He never looked at
other guys in the shower! Not like that anyway! Sure, it was a great
opportunity to find a delicious piece of meat to lay his eyes on, but he never
did such a thing. And even when he did, once in a long while, it never
made him blush or stare for THAT long. What the hell was wrong with him!?
He turned to look up at the
mirror again, just in time to see the young man disappear behind one of the
locker rows. God that ass was so... Duo shuddered. No, he shouldn’t think that,
but... but it was... it was so... it was so... tempting...
“Would you like some?”
Heero’s voice suddenly spoke up, and Duo’s head whirled towards him quickly,
eyes wide.
whatwhat? No! I can’t!” He
exclaimed, sounding out of breath.
Heero frowned, looking down
at the bottle of water he was handing Duo. “Fine...” He mumbled, clearly
confused. “If you say so...”
Stunned amethyst eyes darted
down to look at the offered bottle, then up at mirror and then back at the
bottle. Duo blushed again, realizing his silly mistake.
“No, uh... I’ll take it.
Thanks.” He mumbled with a sheepish smile, snatching the bottle out of Heero’s
grasp. He quickly gulped the rest of the water down, not stopping to take a
breath.
Heero eyed him strangely, but
didn’t say a thing. He dried his hair quickly, put his shirt on and waited for
Duo to finish getting ready as well. He could see the young American send
glances towards one of the lockers all the time, as if searching for someone.
He wondered what was going on, but still didn’t say a thing. He knew from
experience that people preferred to keep some things a secret. If Duo wanted to
tell him something, he will, in time.
There were things he was dying
to ask Duo about. Things he was struggling with and needed some advice from
a good friend. Duo was so much more than just a friend, and there was nothing
that he couldn’t say to him. Except this one thing. He didn’t know why he
couldn’t bring the topic up in front of Duo. He didn’t know what stopped him,
exactly. He tried to bring it up on a few occasions. He tried to bring himself
to ask that one, oh so simple, question, but it just didn’t feel right. For
some reason, he felt like he should keep the issue a secret. It som something
that Duo was better off NOT knowing.
And somehow, Heero could tell
that whatever was bothering Duo right now, was something that Duo felt that he
was better off not knowing.
That saddened Heero quite a
bit. They used to be so close once... and now... it was like their relationship
had turned a couple of degrees colder. There was suddenly an awkward feeling
between them. A distance forming between them. Like a
out. He wondered if Duo could feel it too. He wondered if he was even bothered
by it.
* * *
Days passed. The headaches
came and went, appearing and disappearing, and then back again. The scars bled
from time to time, leaving red stains on his clothes, his towel, his pillow,
the books he read... everything. He rarely ate, being nauseous on most days and
having no appetite at all on other days. What he did eat, he usually threw up a
while later.
Still, he didn’t go see a
doctor. There was nothing doctors could do for him anyway. What they could do
was give him the pills, and he already had his monthly stock of pills so there
was no use of going. One time he felt ill while Duo and he were dining at Sally
and Chang’s house. Sally went into worried-doctor mode and ushered him to bed,
giving Duo a yearly supply of medicine to give him when they got home. Duo
related Heero’s ill state to the flu Sally insisted he had. Heero didn’t tell
him otherwise, not wanting to worry his friend, and after a few days of rest he
went back to work.
Stephan and his gang came
from time to time, taunting him a little and then going on with their daily
business. He tried to oppose them one time, but ended up being shoved
forcefully into one of the tall bookshelves. He collapsed down along with a few
books that clattered on the floor, followed by the bullies’ mocking laughter.
Usually he would have tried to fight back, or maybe he wouldn’t have fallen
down at all, but in his weakened state, all he could really do was lie there
and wait for them to leave him be. One time Riley came threatening them with a
broomstick, shouting at them to leave her store and never come back. It was
humiliating, not being able to stand on his own and have an old lady do it
instead, but most of the time his mind wasn’t coherent enough to realize it.
Thinking was something that was beyond him these days.
Everything was in slow motion
for him. He could see things, hear them, but it took forever until he was able
to process and understand them. It was like his thinking was on delay. Some
days it was so bad that it took him nearly three minutes to understand a simple
question, and on other days, the delay was shorter, or it wouldn’t come at all.
Sometimes he could understand things just fine, but his coordination or balance
was all wrong. On worse days, his sense of direction or even the ability to
measure the distance of a certain object would go haywire. He would think an
object was near and try to reach for it, only to find out that it was a meter
away from him.
He was confused, and not to
mention scared. His brain was falling apart, every nerve jumbled, confused and
sparkling with electric pain. The pills were his only source of comfort. They
would ease the symptoms for a little while. A few hours later his brain would
begin to “slow down” again and his head would bleed, as if signaling him that
it’s time for another dose. He wondered if he was beginning to get addicted to
the pills, for he was taking far too many a day. But he dismissed the silly
thought. The pills were not addictive, they were meant to be taken regularly.
And also, if it was the case, he preferred being addicted to silly white pills
rather than living a life full of headaches and a cranium flaring and pounding
in pain.
On the brighter side of
things, not every day was a day filled with pain, bleeding and being bullied.
Some days were good days, because on some days, Sarah would come to the store.
She was a little bright spot in his otherwise gloomy day. He would be standing
behind one of the bookshelves, doing the inventory or loading it with a new
shipment of books, when he’d catch a glimpse of her cream-colored dress and her
long black hair, passing in the aisle behind the shelf. He would sneak peeks at
her from behind the shelves, between the books, and sometimes she would turn
and smile at him, her green eyes sparkling in amusement.
It was a game they played. A
childish game of hide and seek between the forest of bookshelves. He made
looking at her into a hobby of his. He’d volunteer to tend the shelves even if
it was Raul’s turn to do so. He loved watching her. Especially her hands. They
fascinated him. He would watch her stand in the aisle, a book in her hand, her
gentle palm resting on the white page, her long and slim fingers trailing over
a paragraph as she read it silently to herself. Sometimes she would wear her
hair up in a luxurious ponytail, or in a bun-like twist, giving her a sophisticated
and intelligent look. It would also highlight her large, almost almond shaped
eyes, making the emerald green shine brighter than usual. There would always be
a few stray hairs that would escape the hairdo, falling over her gentle
features. His breath was taken away each time he watched raise her hand up, the
long and delicate fingers brushing the lock of stray hairs aside, tucking them
behind her ear. He would follow the movements of her full red lips as she read
quietly to herself, still standing in the middle of the aisle.
Sometimes he wondered if she
knew he was watching. She had to be pretty naïve if she didn’t. He was sure
that she did, though. He could tell by the way her lips curved slightly
upwards, trying to hide a knowing smile. He could tell by the way she would
keep standing in the middle of the aisle, reading there instead of going to sit
by one of the tables. It was even in the way she moved sometimes, as if teasing
him with the slow and graceful movements of her hands. He would stand there,
completely dumbstruck, watching her with wide blue eyes and gaping lips. It was
the highlight of his days.
He dreamt of the White Hands
more often. It was strange, because each time he dreamt of them, he wouldn’t
wake up to a bloodied pillow. He would feel so much better after he dreamt
about those White Hands. He could never see their owner, but he would entertain
himself with the thought that the owner of the Hands had emerald green eyes and
long, flowing, raven-black hair. Dreaming about those hands was like a magical
medicine to his poor-excuse of a falling-apart mind. Each morning he woke up
from that semi-erotic, strange and mysterious dream, it was like he was healed.
And so, after careful
consideration, Heero decided not to take the pill today. He had woken up from
another arousing dream this morning, and decided to avoid taking the pill,
wanting to prolong the feeling for as long as he could. He felt fine without
the pill, so as long as he didn’t have to take it, he didn’t. When his head
will begin to feel funny again, he’ll take it. Until then, he wanted to enjoy
this mental freedom.
Right now, he was standing by
the cash register, looking towards the café area. His eyes were fixed on her
slim figure, sitting by a single’s table in the café. She was drinking coffee
while reading a book. She was wearing her hair up today, the usual pair of
curly hairs falling at each side of her face. Her long and white fingers were
tracing over the surface of her mug, her eyes focused solely on the book. She
was dressed in an off-white blouse that hugged her well-curved body closely,
and a fashionable light-brown scarf wrapped around her slender neck like a choker, the loose ends of
it falling casually over her back.
“Why won’t you go talk to her?” Riley’s voice
into his dream-like state of mind, and he looked down at her, startled. He
sighed when he realized that it was only she, and shook his head slightly.
“Somehow, you always manage
to sneak up on me like that!” He muttered in frustration, though his eyes shone
in amusement.
Riley chuckled. “That’s
because you’re way too busy goggling at the pretty merchandize!” She joked,
patting him lightly on the back.
Heero scowled. “Since when do
you refer to people as ‘merchandize’?!” He demanded, taking offense that the
object of his affection was being referred to as a mere... object. Sarah was so
much more than that...
“Since that certain person
happens to spend more time in the store than most of the merchandize!” Riley
exclaimed, also amused.
Heero frowned. “What do you
mean by that?”
“Oh, please Heero, don’t be
so naïve. This girl spends more time here than any other customer! Even more
than the books she reads!”
Heero’s frowned deepened. He
turned to look up in Sarah’s direction, his eyebrows drawing near. “She does?”
“Who wouldn’t?” Riley
continued, shrugging. “Having such a handsome young man goggle at her all
day...”
Heero’s head whirled around
to look at her, his eyes wide and fearful. “Who?!” He asked, his heartbeat
racing. He turned to scan the store quickly, searching for his opponent.
Riley let out a short laugh
and shook her head. “Silly boy, I meant you!”
“Oh.” Heero let out and
stopped his search, slightly blushing.
Riley sighed, her face
serious for a change. “Why won’t you ask her out?”
font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>Heero shuddered, quickly
looking away from Sarah. He shook his head and sighed. “Obasan... you know I
can’t.” He mumbled, unable to look into Riley’s eyes.
The old woman looked up at
him compassionately, and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Sure you
can, Heero. I’m sure she would like that.”
“...no one would like to go
out with a retard...” Heero let out sadly, pulling away from Riley’s touch.
The old woman sighed. She
turned to look up at him, her eyes dead serious. “Cut the bullshit, young man!
You and I both know that you’re certainly NO retard.”
Heero sighed, still unable to
look up from the floor. He stared down at his shoes, feelings of uncertainty
whirling inside him. “I don’t know...”
“C’mon, it’s so simple. Just
dinner and a movie. You know what? I’ll even give ya a raise so you can take
her somewhere nice!”
Heero chuckled bitterly.
“Don’t be silly, Obasan.”
“Why not?! With all the work
you do around here, you save me at least TWO salaries! It’s the least I
can do!” She spoke in amusement and then nudged Heero forward. “Go on, ask
her.”
Sighing, Heero looked up
towards the café, his blue eyes shimmering with uncertainty. He had seen many
dates being set up in this place, but never was he the one to set them. He was
always an observer, someone from the side, standing in the corner. He never
imagined that he would have to be the one asking someone out for a date. He
didn’t even know where to start... how to start... he never dealt with anything
like this before.
What if she’ll say ‘no’?! Oh,
the humiliation! What will he say then? What will he do!?
“C’mon! Be a man and go ask
her!” Riley pushed him again, pushing him until he was no longer hidden behind
the safety of the counter. He sighed and turned to look at her, his eyes
shimmering with doubt and fear.
Riley smiled at him warmly,
and gestured towards the café with her head. “It will be fine, Heero. Go on.”
Taking a deep breath, Heero
turned to look at the café one more time, before gathering all the courage he
could currently muster, and walk towards Sarah’s table. Riley watched him go, a
satisfied smile on her old face.
“Boy do they grow up
quickly...” She mumbled in amusement, watching her ‘nephew’ take hesitating
steps towards his future date. She chuckled and shook her head. “Time sure
flies by...”
* * *
When a shadow settled over
her book, Sarah quirked a curious eyebrow and looked up. She smiled sweetly as
she recognized the figure looming over her, looking down at her with uncertain,
but yet so captivating, cobalt eyes. Her smile grew as she saw the young
Japanese man push a few bangs out of his eyes, the movement showing his shy
hesitation. It was very... endearing.
“Hello, Heero.” She finally
spoke, still smiling. “Care to sit down?” She offered, gesturing at a nearby
chair. “I hate speaking with people who tower over me like that. Makes me feel
so small.”
Heero smiled faintly at that
remark, beginning to feel a little more at ease. He pulled out a chair from a
nearby table and sat next to her. He had no idea where to start, what to say,
and for a few long moments there was only silence between them. Sarah returned
to her book, and all he could do was sit there and watch her helplessly. His
arms lay limply on his knees, his expression lost as he watched her read.
Finally deciding that silence was not the best thing for this situation, he
took a deep breath and spoke.
“What are you reading?”
A small smile touched the
young woman’s lips, and she looked up from the book, glad that he finally got
the nerve to speak. She turned the book so he could see its cover. “Coding
Languages, chapter six- SELES coding in old MS cockpits and flight systems.”
She said with slight distaste, eyeing the book as if it was poison.
Heero nodded in
understanding. “It’s the old encoding technique they used to work with before
the Eve wars, before the SAMS code was invented.”
Sarah’s green eyes suddenly
lightened with a bright light. “You know this stuff?!”
Heero smiled sheepishly and
nodded. “It’s one of the basics in programming. They based the entire new
programming language on it.”
The young woman stared at
him, completely shocked. “Tell me, how can you know all this stuff and still
work in a bookstore?”
Heero felt himself slightly
blush, so he lowered his head a little and stared down at his hands. He
shrugged. “I’m actually working on a degree right now,” He mumbled quietly, and
then turned his head up to look at her. “But I still have to earn some money,
ne?”
Sarah’s eyes widened in joy.
“Oh really? That’s great! I major in computers too. Which university do you go
to?”
Embarrassed and ashamed,
Heero bowed his head again. “Uh, well, actually... it’s more like an on-line
program thing.” He whispered. “The university didn’t want anything to do with
me, so, uhh... t-there are lectures once a week, but other than that I study at
home.”
“Oh.” Sarah let out, her eyes
suddenly duller.
Silence stretched between
them and Heero didn’t dare to look up. He knew that she wouldn’t want anything
to do with a retard like him.
Discomfited and lost for words,
the young woman turned to look at him warily. “Is it true what they say?” She
whispered, her tone careful and her eyes shimmering with hesitation. “That you
never even went to high school?”
Hurt by her words, Heero
chose to remain silent. He knew from the beginning that this was going to be
one big mistake. Why should she treat him any differently than others?
“I mean, I... I don’t mean to
be offensive, but...” Sarah continued, her voice faltering as she saw that her
words had clearly hurt him. But it was too late to go back nowd shd she simply
had to know. “...is it true that you were in a mental institute?”
Closing his eyes sadly, Heero
took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears from coming. But they were already
at the threshold, stinging his eyes and demanding that he’d let them leak out.
His temples were beginning to pulse with a distant throb, and he knew for sure
that his headache was declaring its vicious return.
Sighing sadly, Heero rose to
his feet and kept his gaze on the floor. “I... I better get going.” He mumbled,
refusing the urge to sniffle. “I have some work to do in the back...” He
finished quickly, and without giving her a chance to respond, he turned around
and hurriedly walked away.
Sarah remained sitting there,
looking at his retreating form, her expression one of regret. Her eyes shone
with tears of remorse, and she took a shaky breath, looking down at her book in
misery. “...shit...”
* * *
He leaned his head on the
cool wall, letting the chill sip through his forehead and ease the lightning
storm that raged in his head. He was too busy trying to control the pain,
berating himself for his foolishness and fighting off the tears, that he failed
to notice as the back door opened and Sarah walked in from the store.
She looked around quickly,
and saw him standing in the middle of the main hall, the one that connected
Riley’s office, the small storage room and bathroom. He was still leaning his
head against the wall, his eyes closed and his fists clenched. She felt her
heart tighten under the painful feeling of guilt, and she took a deep breath.
“Hey.” She whispered
carefully, coming to stand next to the young man. “I’m sorry.” She spoke
honestly, looking up at him with sorrowful green eyes. She was a few inches
shorter than him, so she had to look up in order to see his reaction.
Heero didn’t open his eyes or
even turned to look at her, and merely kept pressing his forehead against the
wall.
“Hey...” She let out,
worried. “Are you okay?” She asked carefully, reaching down for his hand. She
could feel him slightly tremble when she touched him, and his hand was still
balled into a tight fist. She sighed and pulled her hand away. “I really am
sorry, Heero. I can be so tactless sometimes... my curiosity had gotten me into
some deep trouble in the past... I guess that this is no different.” She sighed
again, looking t hit him with a sincere expression. “I’m really REALLY sorry. I
shouldn’t have asked.”
Heero, who was still
struggling with the pain, chuckled bitterly. “Don’t worry about it, I’m used to
it by now.”
She winced at his bitter
words. “Still, I should have been more thoughtful. I just wasn’t thinking
before I said that... I’m a real idiot sometimes.”
Again he chuckled, but this
time it wasn’t a bitter chuckle. Even though he was facing the wall, she could
see a small smile on his lips. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He mumbled,
finally moving away from the wall. He smiled softly at her. “It happens.”
Sarah still didn’t look
convinced about begin forgiven. “Still, it was really idiotic of me.”
Heero chuckled again. “Keep
this up and I’ll have to start referring to you as a ‘baka’ from now on.”
She smiled, a hint of
amusement in her eyes. “Call me a ‘baka’ and I’ll call you a ‘meshigane’!”
Heero frowned and Sarah let out
a small laugh. “Ysh gsh grandmother. Don’t ask.”
He smiled, feeling a whole
lot better, though his temples still throbbed dimly.
“a'>“Tell you what!” Sarah
suddenly called, a grin on her previously solemn face. “Le mae make it up to
you with dinner. Huh, what do you say?”
Heero gaped at her,
completely stunned.
Sarah offered him a sheepish
little smile and shrugged. “I
mean, I’m not a great cook or anything, but I make a mean chicken curry.”
Heero shook his head and
chuckles cynically. “I’m vegetarian.”
“I also make a mean potatoes
salad. Extra mayo
This time she managed to
bring a small laugh out of him. He looked at her with sparkling cobalt eyes,
but his expression was serious. “You really don’t have to do this. I told you,
it’s fine.”
“Oh, c’mon, it will be fun!
We can compare notes on that stupid old HUFFMAN coding over a passionate night
of SELES and PPJ operating systems!” Sarah joked, looking at him with lively
green eyes. She could see his hesitation, and she was about to try another form
of convincing, but then Heero sighed quietly and pushed a few bangs aside,
looking down at her with amused eyes.
“All right.” He said, his
voice showing no doubt.
Sarah grinned, nearly jumping
in joy. “Great!” She called, her eyes dancing. “You got a car?”
Heero shook his head.
“Okay. So I’ll pick you up
from here at about... when do you finish? Seven?”
He nodded.
“Great! See ya then.” She
concluded, still smiling broadly. She then brushed her hand against his lightly
and walked away with a smile.
Looks after her, still
stunned, Heero couldn’t bring him to to move, breathe or even think. Did he
just agree to go on a... a... aate?ate?!
* * *
“So, uh, you’re not coming
home tonight?” Duo spoke into the phone, his tone somewhat dejected.
He could hear Heero sigh on
the other side of the line. “Gomen, Duo, but I have to uh--- I have some
paperwork I need to sort out back here.”
“Oh.” Duo let out, having
nothing more to say. “All right then. Make sure Riley won’t make you work too
hard...” He mumbled as a beginning of a joke, but he didn’t see the point in
finishing it, so he shut up.
There was a few seconds of
silence, as Heero probably waited for Duo to finish his joke, but then hrobarobably realized that Duo wasn’t going to do so, and just sighed. “I’ll do
that, Duo. Have a good time at the gym. Ja.” He said and then hung up.
“Bye.” Duo mumbled anyway,
even though the line was disconnected. He put the receiver down and sighed
deeply.
* * pan>pan>*
Back in the bookstore, Heero
also put the phone down on Riley’s desk and then left the office. He made his
way to the small bathroom and closed the door. He stood in front of the mirror,
looking at himself carefully. He eyed his messy bangs in distasteyingying to
arrange them as nicely as possible. He gave up on that soon enough and just
settled for fixing his shirt’s collar. He was wearing a simple beige shirt that
had a pair of beige laces criss-crossed in a V shape as the shirt’s collar,
slightly showing off his smooth chest. The trousers he was wearing were a black
pair of worn-out
jeans. They were the same clothes he wore all during the workday, and he
wondered if he should have gone home and changed. He was never on a date
before, and he didn’t know if this even counted as a real date, so he was lost
as to what he should do.
Should he bring her something? Should he do anything
special? What was expected of him to do? They were going to her place,
not a restaurant or anything... she was cooking for him, so... he should do
something, bring something maybe, to show his gratitude, no? But then again the
entire point of this dinner was so she could make it up to him! Ugh!
This was so confusing! He had no idea what to do!
“Just don’t screw this up.” He finally told his
reflection, loo at at it sternly. “And don’t bleed!” He growled, pointing an
accusing finger towards the reflection of his temples.
He then sighed and looked down at the sink. He had placed
his bottle of pills there, while debating whether or not he should take them.
He didn’t want to take them, but then again he didn’t want to make a fool out
of himself and ruin the evening because of a stupid headache.
“Just don’t bleed...” He muttered as he reached down for
the bottle of pills and plucked it open. “Don’t. Bleed.” He repeated, pouring
three pills into the palm of his hand. He looked at them uncertainly for a few
seconds, and then quickly shoved them into his mouth. He closed his eyes and
winced as he gulped them down. He had never taken so many at once, but he had
to play it safe. He couldn’t afford being in his ‘retarded’ mode tonight. Being
‘slow’ was out of the question! Not tonight! Not in front of Sarah!
After taking a few deep breaths and trying to calm the
fright-filled beating of his heart, Heero shoved the bottle of pills into his pocket
and turned to look down at his wristwatch. It was time to go.
* * *
After being alone in the
exercise room for about an hour, Duo was ready to go home. He took a quick
shower and then hurried to get dressed. He wanted to get out of there before...
before... before he will see him again. He saw him in the workout room,
lifting heavy weights and running on the treadmill. He couldn’t get his eyes
off his fabulous form as he moved, sweating and panting, sweat soaking his dark
blue tank top. The damp fabric clung onto his torso and left very little to the
imagination. His gym-shorts were deliciously short and hugged his perfect ass
like a perfect glove. Duo couldn’t help staring. That man was too damn sexy for
him NOT to stare.
But Duo was scared about
perusing his new ‘interest’. He would be betraying Heero if he did. He wanted
to be loyal to Heero. But then again... he wasn’t with Heero in THAT way, so
why should he feel like that?
It’s been SOOOOOOOOOOOOO long
since he felt this small spark ignite in him at the sight of someone. For years
all he had in his mind, and heart, was Heero. He wasn’t attracted to anyone
else; he didn’t even imagine himself with anyone else. And here he was, ogling
and drooling over this young... sexy... deliciously looking stranger. What did
it all mean? Was that it? Was his love for Heero finally burning out? Was the
flame finally extinguished? Did he no longer love Heero?
The thought frightened him to
the very core of his soul. Of course he loved Heero! Of course he did! How dare
he think of another!? How dare he!?
But... but... that love...
his love for Heero... it wasn’t the same anymore...
For the past four years, he
had been clinging desperately to his feelings for Heero. Even when the boy was
acting like an infant, then a child... he still insisted that he was in love
with him. But now... four years later... after SO much had happened, those
feelings were fading away.
And it was so strange...
Heero was more like himself than he had ever been. Sure, he was more open and humane
than he used to be during the war, but still so much of his old characteristics
remained. Thinking about it carefully, Duo could see that Heero’s personality
hadn’t changed one bit. And added to this were the oh-so-many little things
about Heero that remained exactly the same. So much was still the same, but Duo
just couldn’t bring himself to feel like he did before. The spark was gone. The
flame nearly extinguished and now struggling to burn on.
So why shouldn’t he look at
another? Why shouldn’t he give himself a second chance at happiness? A second
chance at... at love. Falling in love again... it could happen. It happened to
many people. It might not be as special as the first time was, but it could
still come to be.
At the sound of the locker
room’s door opening, Duo looked up. He smiled as he saw his little fixation
walk into the shower room, a white towel thrown casually over his shoulder, his
sweaty clothes giving a delicious view of his lithe and God-like body. The
young man, who probably noticed that he was being watched - as Duo suspected
that he did ever since he laid eyes on the guy in the workout hall - turned and
flashed Duo a seductive smile.
Duo’s smile faded and he
hurried to look away.
No matter what he told
himself, it still felt like he was betraying Heero. Like he was cheating on a
lover. Sinning to love. Those feelings took away any chance of future
happiness. He felt guilty just for thinking that he should give up on his love
for Heero. He shouldn’t give up! Not now when he was so close! So close to
having Heero! After four years there was finally a chance, a REAL chance for
him to be with Heero. He shouldn’t throw it all away for a perfect stranger
witherfeerfect ass. No. He will NOT betray his love!
* * *
“Damn key, always gets stuck
in the bloody door...” Sarah muttered as she tried to get the key out of the
lock, after already opening the door. Heero was standing behind her, looking
around nervously.
“Please, come in.” She said,
still struggling with the damn key. “The light switch is to the left.” She
added, the keys rattling in her hold.
Heero nodded and took a few
hesitant steps into the small apartment. It was a small, two-story, condominium
containing merely four apartments. It was surrounded by a shared garden, with
ponds, a large metal gate and a large sycamore tree. It was a little neglected,
but still beautiful. The condo itself was painted in an odd combination of red,
orange, yellow and pink, a bit too flashy to his liking, but still very nice.
It stood out with his bright and cheerful colors, and so he liked it. Sarah
lived on the second floor to the right, a small spiral stairway led from the
garden to a small balcony and the front door, where the two now stood.
Heero walked into the small
apartment, looking around uncertainly. It was dark, but he could see the
glowing blue light of an aquarium near the door. He reached to turn the light
on and looked at the aquarium again. It was quite large and contained a
colorful display of exotic fish. It reminded him of the building itself, with
all the bright and cheerful colors. The apartment’s décor also matched the same
style, and he had to chuckle at the sight of a felorflorful beanbags on the
living room’s floor. Behind a bright arm armchair stood a few large shelves
packed with a beautiful collection of pretty china dolls. They were a little
less than two feet high, all dressed marvelously with lace-work dresses, large
and fancy hats and long, colorful hairdos. The collection of dolls seemed to be
from all over the world, or so he assumed by their clothing, and he could tell
that they were all well tended.
“Henteko...”
Heero mumbled, shaking his head in amusement. He turned to look at the aquariugaingain and smiled. “These are very beautiful fish...” He remarked, turning to
look at Sarah again.
The young woman chuckled and
finally managed to yank the keys out of the door. “Heh, you’re the first guy
who walked into this apartment and looked at the fish instead of my breasts!”
She joked, her eyes shining in good humor. “One of the many reasons why I don’t
usually bring guys home.”
Heero felt himself blush and
looked away. “Well, uh, I didn’t just say that. They are very nice.” He
mumbled, glancing at the fish.
She quirked an eyebrow.
“What? The fish or my breasts?”
His eyes suddenly got a will
of their own and darted down to look at her fair chest, clad in a simple,
cream-colored, dress. His face turned a few more shade red and he hurried to
look away. “Uh...” He let out, embarrassed and confused.
Sarah chuckled and walked in,
patting him friendly on the back as she passed by him. “Relax, Heero, you’re
far too tense!” She called as she made her way into the kitchen.
Still blushing, Heero went to
close the door and then hurried to follow her into the kitchen. “Just nervous,
I guess.” He let out, and then regretted it, thinking that it was probably the
WRONG thing to say to a girl on a... date? Dare he call it that?
Again Sarah let out a
chuckle, reaching up to open one of the cupboard. “Well, you shouldn’t be. I
don’t bite.” She pulled out two plates and handed them to Heero. She winked.
“Much.”
A small and anxious smile
touched his lips. He took the plates she offered him, and looked around.
“I didn’t have time to
arrange the table, so you should probably make yourself useful while I warm up
the soup.” She said, already turning back to the stove.
Heero stared at her for a
little longer before snapping out of his uncomfortable daze. He looked around
and then walked towards the dining table, which stood right between the kitchen
and living room. He found it strange that she didn’t mind letting him walk so
freely around her apartment. It was like she was used to him being there. It
felt... nice, being trusted like that. His nervousness disappeared completely
by the time he finished arraigning the table. Sarah let him roam freely around
the kitchen, looking for silverware and glasses. They brushed against each
other a few times while walking around the kitchen, Sarah making the finale
preparations for the meal and Heero searching for various items. It felt so
natural, just like when he and Duo made dinner together. It made him feel warm
inside, to be able to share such a simple activity with her. It was like it was
meant to be.
* * *
About an hour into their
evening, the warm and fuzzy feeling was replaced by something else. A headache,
more powerful than ever before, began drilling through his brain without any
early warning. It just hit him all at once, like a thousand sharp knives
stabbing his brain all over. He jumped up in his seat, a small cry escaping his
lips.
Frightened, Sarah quickly
jumped out of her chair and rushed to his side.
“Oh God! Heero! What’s
wrong!?” She called, terrified as she saw him clench his fists over his
temples, holding his head in a crushing grip. Tears were leaking down his
cheeks and his expression was one of pure torment. He was biting his lower lips
until it drew blood; his eyes squeezed shut and his face turning red.
“Heero! Heero, say something!
Please! What’s wrong!?” She pleaded him, kneeling down by his chair and
reaching up to stroke his messy hair.
“My head!” Heero called out
hoarsely, his voice strained and thick with pain. “Argh!” He cried out,
punching both his temples at the same time, as if trying to knock the pain off
his head.
Sarah’s eyes widened even
more when she saw blood trickle between Heero’s clenched fingers. She gasped
and hurried to pull his hands away from his head, using all of her strength in
order to succeed. Another horrified gasp escaped her lips as she saw that his
temples were bleeding. Badly.
“Oh gosh, Heero! You’re
bleeding!” She exclaimed, stating the obvious but yet too shocked and scared to
do anything else.
Heero didn’t respond and
began curling into himself, still sitting on the chair and clutching his
temples.
“I’m calling an ambulance!”
Sarah finally declared, snapping out of the shock. She prepared to sprint
towards the phone, but Heero’s tight grip on her wrist stopped her.
“No!” He called out, looking
up at her with painful and tearful cobalt eyes. “...no... doctors...” He
mumbled, his eyes glazing over and his hold on her wrist weakening. She
watched, horrified as his eyes rolled back into his head and his body began to
tilt to the side, falling off the chair.
She caught his unconscious
form just before he hit the floor, but since he was too heavy for her, she
couldn’t stop him from falling off the chair and so he toppled sideways and
landed on top of her, pinning her to the floor. For a moment, all she could do
was just lie there underneath him, her green eyes wide with shock and her
features pale. After a few seconds she blinked and turned her gaze towards him.
He was lying on his stomach, his face pressed against her shoulder. The blood
leaking down his temples was staining her cream-colored dress and she could
feel his warm breath sip through the thin fabric and brush against her skin.
Dazed and confused, she
raised one hand up, tapping on his back a few time, like a blind person trying
to feel something. Her hand climbed up his form until it settled on the back of
his head. She didn’t know why, but she suddenly got the urge to run her fingers
through a handful of his brown hair. His hair was soft, thick and... wet.
Her eyes widened again and
she pushed herself to a sitting position, using both arms to keep the
unconscious young man from falling. She rested his head in her lap and looked
down at him, puzzled. She ran her fingers through his hair again, once more
meeting the thick wetness. She raised her hand up and looked at it, wide green
eyes staring at it in shock. It was also covered with blood.
Her features numb, her green
eyes dull, she slowly turned to look down at his lifeless features, a million
and one questions running through her head.
* * *
“Are you going my way?” A
pleasant baritone voice spoke from somewhere next to him, and Duo looked up. He
was standing by the fitness center, waiting for a taxi. It was already dark
outside, and the streets were wet from the latest shower of rain. A chilly wind
was blowing softly, tousling Duo’s long bangs. His wet ponytail was tucked
under his brown leather jacket, and a white scarf wasppedpped tightly around
his neck. His duffle was at his feet, getting soaked by a puddle of water. When
the voice spoke up, he turned to look at the speaker.
It was that sexy guy from the
gym. He was pointing at the direction he was going, looking at Duo with a
smile. He was wearing a long, off-white, trench coat and his spiky dark-blond
hair was nearly dry. Even under the pale light of the street lamps Duo could
see the golden hue of his tanned skin, and the chocolate brown of his eyes.
Those eyes were currently looking at him, sparkling in amusement.
“Uh... yeah.” Duo finally
stuttered, hurrying to look away.
The young man smiled and
nodded. “Great. Mind if we take a taxi together?”
Duo swallowed. “...sure. Why
not.”
A hand was suddenly offered
to him. “Michael Lemay.” He introduced himself, waiting for the other young man
to shake his hand.
But Duo did no such thing.
Instead, he shoved his hands into his pocket and nodded. His gaze was on the
floor. “Duo Maxwell.”
Silence followed that awkward
introduction, as both men continued to stand by each other, waiting for a taxi
to pass by.
Standing so close to Michael,
feeling his heat and smelling the intoxicating smell of his shampoo, Duo was
beginning to feel a little doubtful of his earlier resolve. He wasn’t sure if
he could “peruse” this little interest of his, even though the ‘interest’
seemed to be perusing him! He just ran into this guy in a bloody gym! Who was
he to know if he was gay or not?! For all he knew Michael was just being
friendly by joining him! That didn’t mean that he was gay, right?! How the hell
should he know!? He didn’t have a ‘homosexuals radar’ on him! The only way he could
tell someone’s preferences was if he hung out in certain places, bars or clubs,
but this was a bloody gymnasium! He couldn’t tell. Not for sure. He suspected,
but he couldn’t tell...
Next to him, Michael sighed
and turned to look at the longhaired young man, eyeing him from head to toe. He
was a few inches taller than Duo, maybe a little better built, but other than
that, they matched in their physique. His dark brown eyes shone in amusement as
he saw how tense Duo’s shoulders were, a clear sign of his nervousness.
“So do you come here often?”
“Huh?” Duo let out dumbly,
turning to look at the blond man. “What?”
Michael rolled his eyes. “To
the gym. Do you come there often?”
“Oh, uh... yeah. You can say
that.” Duo mumbled, looking back down at his feet.
“But you haven’t come with your
boyfriend today.” Michael stated smugly.
Duo’s eyes widened and he
whirled around to face him. “Huh?! My boyfriend!?”
Michael chuckled. “Yeah, that
pretty little Japanese boy. I saw you two together a few times.”
Duo’s eyes suddenly narrowed
painfully and he looked away.
Sighing, Michael shoved two
hands into the pockets of his brown trenchant, still looking at Duo. “Ahhh...
so he’s cheating on you? Is that why you were chasing me?” The blond man asked,
his eyes amused.
“I wasn’t chasing you, so
don’t flatter yourself!” Duo burst, getting defensive. “Let me remind you that
it was you who approached me and not the other way around!” He
spat, and Michael chuckled.
“Yeah, guess you’re right.”
He spoke in amusement, and looked up at the road. “But I wouldn’t have if I
didn’t see you goggling at me all night.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault
then...” Duo muttered bitterly, then sighed and closed his eyes sadly. He
remained silent for a long while, until finally mumbling: “...Besides...
Heero’s not, I mean...he’s... he’s not my... we’re not lovers.” He mumbled,
kicking a small rock at his feet.
Michael raised an eyebrow.
“Oh?”
Duo sighed in irritation,
shoving two hands forcefully into his jacket’s pocket. “Don’t sound so damn
surprised! You shouldn’t have assumed that I was gay.”
Michael chuckled. “Oh? So how
come you assumed that I was?”
Duo growled, now really
pissed. “Well aren’t ya?!”
“Aren’t you?” Michael shot
back.
Duo rolled his eyes and
looked away, waving his hands dismissively. “This is getting frustrating.” He
muttered and turned to look up at the empty road again, watching the
streetlights reflect off the puddles on the wet asphalt.
Finally fed up with the
silence, Duo whirled around to look at the other man. “So, yeah I am gay!” He
exclaimed, his expression angered. “But my ‘pretty little Japanese friend’ is
just that- a friend!”
“So he’s not gay.” Michael
stated.
Duo opened his mouth to reply
sharply, but then stopped, his mouth still open. He’s not gay? Heero? Gay?
Uh... come to think of it... he never had the chance to find out... He never
had the nerve to ask...
All this time he was in love
with Heero, and it never occur to him that Heero wasn’t necessarily gay! The
possibility that he will not return his love never occurred to him. During the
war... during the time they knew each other before Heero’s “rebirth”, the Asian
man- then a mere boy- didn’t show any signs or tendencies towards guys... The
only one Heero did seem to be interested was Relena!
But Duo asked Heero about
Relena, many MANY times! Heero told him that he’d rather keep his relations
with Relena completely platonic. In other words- she wasn’t his type. But that
didn’t mean that he was gay! And the fact that he’d been his best friend...
that shouldn’t mean anything either! It was just friendship. A very close one,
but still, there was never any... sexual thing between them. The sexual tension
was only in Duo’s mind.
Could it be that all this
time he had been living on the false belief that Heero could love him? After
all, he had based his hope, his love, on blind assumptions and half-truths.
Heero never did say that he didn’t like girls. He said that he didn’t like
Relena in a romantic way, but he never said that he liked guys in a
romantic/sexual way either. Could it be? Was he really that blind? Did he want
so much to believe that he twisted his perception of the world THAT much? And
he always blamed Relena for doing that... but in fact he was the one at
fault! It was he who was wrong! He was the blind man! The foolish man! The
delusional, hope-blinded baka that spent the last eight years of his life being
in love with an idea... an illusion... a false hope.
Could it really be true? Were
all his tears, all of his efforts based on a false hope? He had been
delusioning himself for so long...
“Duo? Duo? Hey, are you
okay?” Michael’s voice echoed somewhere in the distance, but Duo couldn’t hear
it. It was only when the blinding headlights of a taxi flashed through the
darkness of the night, that Duo snapped out of his dwelling. His head jerked
up, eyes wide and fearful.
“TAXIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
He shouted, running to the middle of the road and waving like a mad man. The
taxi came into a blunt stop and Duo didn’t even wait for Michael to follow. He
leaped into the taxi, wanting to get as far away from that truth-bearer.
* * *
For some reason, she listened
to his unreasonable request, and didn’t call an ambulance. Instead, she dragged
his unconscious form into her bedroom, and laid him on her queen-size bed. She
knew that she should really get him to the ER, but the way he looked at her
when he said no... The desperation in his stunning blue eyes, the plea in his
voice... it broke her heart and she decided to honor his request. She just
hoped that she was making the right decision, and that he will be able to thank
her for it in the morning.
She washed the blood off his
face, cleaning his temples carefully. She could see two tiny scars on his skin,
like needle punctures only a little thicker in diameter. She frowned in confusion
and turned his head gently so she could clean up the wounds in the back.
Feeling around with careful fingers, she found two more scars. It frightened
her and worried her at the same time, but she had more important things to do
right now, like make the bleeding stop.
Gently, carefully, she
pressed a soft bandage against the bleeding areas, until the bleeding began to
lose its intensity. She then covered a bigger bandage with antibiotic cream and
wrapped it securely around his head, over the scars. Small red stains began to
form on the white fabric of the bandage, and she remained by his side, holding
his hand, until the stains ceased to grow, marking that the bleeding had
stopped completely.
She covered him tightly, and
continued to sit by his side. She held his hand securely, feeling it tremble
from time to time. She sat there well into he small hours of the night, looking
down at his sleeping features. The expression of pain was replaced by a serene
and calmer visage, and by the movement of his eyes under his eyelids, she could
tell that he was dreaming.
Feeling relieved, now knowing
that he had slipped from unconsciousness to a healthy state of sleep, Sarah
allowed herself to relax. She carefully lay down beside him, on the other side
of the large bed, still wearing her dress and shoes. She didn’t even bother to
cover herself with a blanket, and simply lay next to him, one hand holding his
and the other wrapped around his chest. Her green eyes were fixed on his
sleeping features, watching his messy bangs as they moved slightly up and down
under the soft teasing of his breath.
Without even noticing it, she
fell asleep, a content smile on her lips.
* * *
That night, the White Hands
came back to Heero’s dream. They healed the wounds on his head and dried his
tears. They caressed him gently, not sexually, handling his tired body with
care. And in that dream, finally after all this time, his rescuer’s face was
revealed to him.
Just as he expected, his
rescuer had sparkling emerald eyes and shiny ebony hair. She had the beautiful
face of an angel and the smile of a Goddess.
As he wrapped his arms around
her in his dream, Heero rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms around the
warm body that was lay beside him. Eyes still closed, his face washed in bliss,
Heero pulled her closer to him, holding her securely to his chest. He rested
his dully-aching head on her sweet hair, inhaling her scent deeply. The pain
disappeared completely, leaving nothing but peace.
In his sleep, Heero smiled,
hugging Sarah tightly and pulling her closer.
* * *
“Where have you been?!” Duo
burst the minute Heero walked into their apartment. Still facing the door and
not Duo, Heero’s back tensed and he froze. He slowly closed the door, wincing
even at the soft clicking sound it made. He took a deep breath, put on a
neutral expression, and then slowly turned to face Duo. The longhaired boy was
standing in the middle of the living room, by the couch, his clothes and hair
messy as if he just woke up. He had black bags under his eyes, his expression
upset and angry at the same time.
“I, uh, I fell asleep in
Riley’s office.” He finally lied, unable to look into Duo’s burning violet
eyes.
Duo snorted. “I called Riley,
Heero! I asked her where you were when I saw that it was late and you weren’t
home! Guess what, Heero?! You weren’t in the office last night!”
Heero swallowed, taking a
small step back.
“So where were you, huh
Heero!? Where were you?!”
“...out.” Heero answered
quietly, shifting his weight from foot to foot and still not meeting Duo’s
eyes.
“Out?!” Duo exclaimed,
planting two hands on his hips. “You were out. With friends?” He asked, his
voice calmer.
Heero swallowed the lump in
his throat and slowly nodded his head. “Yes.”
Duo sighed and waved his
hands in the air in a helpless gesture. “Then why didn’t you call? Why didn’t
you say something?! I was worried sick!”
That one managed to flare
Heero’s anger. “I’m not a little boy, Duo! I don’t have a curfew hour and I
don’t owe you any explanations!” He shot back, knowing deep in his heart that
Duo wasn’t really angry, but worried. His worry and relief only translated into
anger and that’s why he was shouting. But still, Duo’s harsh words managed to
hit a sore spot in Heero’s ego, and he simply had to reply with matching anger.
He wasn’t a child anymore! Duo had to see that! He was not as helpless as he
was three years ago!
“Stop treating me like a
child!” He barked at Duo, his eyes blazing with an angry blue fire.
Duo staggered back a little,
as if physically hurt by Heero’s words. It took him a moment before he took a
deep breath and launched at Heero with another fit of angry words.
“Well if you’ll stop acting
like one, I just might!” He snapped, whirling around to glare at Heero. “I
don’t appreciate it when people lie to me, Heero! And I sure as hell don’t like
it when YOU lie to me!”
Heero flinched at that
remark. “I just didn’t...” He mumbled, still searching for words, until the
confusion, anxiety and stress merged into an angry and burning feeling. “Shut
up! I can do whatever I want! I’m not accountable to you or anyone else! You
might have missed it, Duo, but I’m my own person! I’m not a little boy who
follows you around anymore!”
Hurt by Heero’s cruel words,
Duo’s anger grew by tenfold. He was still upset by last night’s revelation. His
heart was shaken to the core and his feelings were jumbled and confused. He
wasn’t really angry with Heero, and frankly, he had no idea how this fight took
such an awful turn to the worst. All he really wanted was to have a quite, heart
to heart, conversation with Heero, clearing things between them. But instead
his worry and feelings of unease, the sense of living in a lie all this time,
took their toll on him, and turned into burning anger.
He fixed his best glare at
the other young man, taking a threatening stance. “Don’t you dare say that you
don’t owe me anything, Heero- cuz you do! You fucking do!” He barked, waving an
accusing finger at him. “You owe me fucking plenty! I dedicated my fucking life
to you! So don’t you dare say that I don’t deserve at least a SIMPLE
explanation! Just a fucking phone call! You could have just called for fuck’s
sake! Just one damn phone call!”
Heero growled and took a
threatening step forward. “Well if that’s how it’s gonna be then I certainly
don’t need your fucking life anymore, Duo! So just butt off! Leave me
alone! I don’t need this! I don’t need you or anyone else to baby-sit me! I can
take care of myself- SO JUST BUTT OFF!”
With that finale burst of anger,
Heero whirled around and headed for the door.
“Heero!” Duo called as he saw
the young Japanese man prepare to walk back outside. “Heero! Wait!” He shouted
desperately, running towards the door with his handchinching out for the angry
young man.
But Heero ignored him and
stormed out the door, slamming it forcefully behind him.
The sound of the door
shutting forcefully echoed in the small apartment and shuddered the windows.
Duo yanked the door open and
charged into the hall. His heart was beating frantically, about to burst. He
made it just in time to see Heero’s form running down the stairs and
disappearing into the bottom floor.
“Heero! I didn’t mean it!
Wait!” He called after him, running towards the staircase.
“LEAVE ME ALONE!” Heero’s
voice echoed through the stairwell, bouncing off the walls like a ricochette
and then hitting Duo’s heart, like a bullete piercing through.
“I WAS UPSET!” He tried one
more time, leaning down the banister and trying to look for Heero with panicked
amethyst eyes. “HEERO!”
No answer came to him, and he
could hear the young man’s steps fade into the background. The building’s front
door was then slammed shut, nearly making cracks in the walls.
Duo flinched at the loud
sound. He remained standing there for a long time later, his palms wrapped
tightly around the banister. Rain began to pour outside, hitting the panorama
window that stood in the large stairwell. Lightning struck and thunder roared.
The hall turned a couple degrees colder, but still Duo continued standing there.
The rain kept pouring,
sliding off the large window, causing the weak rays of light to break and
create a shadowy reflection on the opposite wall, reflecting the small
waterfall that poured down the window. The transparent shadows of the falling
water were cast on Duo as well, looking like a waterfall of tears that washed
his form. As it kept showering over him, like small shatters of shadows and
glass, Duo knew that this was it. The flame was nearly gone.
They were truly falling
apart.
* * *
He wandered down the streets
for hours. The rain poured hard from above, but he paid it no mind and just
kept walking. He needed to feel the cool rain pour over his body, washing the
anger and pain away. He needed it as much as he needed to feel the distance between
Duo and he. He needed a time out. He needed time to think... to calm down...
time to sort out his jumbled feelings.
He had no idea where he was
going, or what he was going to do once he got there, but he just had to keep
moving. He had to keep moving away from him... away from Duo... far far away
until he didn’t feel like the walls were closing in on him. Until he didn’t
feel those walls crushing him with guilt and sorrow. Until he couldn’t feel
those pain-filled violet eyes look at him with hurt and betrayal. He had to get
away from those eyes, because it hurt so much to look at them. It hurt so much
to see the sincere and pure love shining in those violet depths, looking at him
with that same hopeful expression... that same expression that demanded so much
of him... that same expression that made him feel like crying, because he could
never grant its request. The one thing Duo had ever dared to ask of him, and he
could not grant it. He just couldn’t.
His feelings for Duo... they
weren’t anything one would call “conventional”. There was no way to define or
describe them. Even he could barely do so. For the past two years he’d
been trying to understand what kind of relationship they had. Not tha that was
written in the textbooks was of any help. Nothing he had learned during his
short lifetime was of any help either. He knew that he cared deeply for Duo. He
knew in his heart that he loved him deeply. But the question was... in what
way. A mere friend? No. It was far too simple. A father? Too absurd and awkward.
A brother? Getting closer, but still, that wasn’t it. A lover maybe?
Here Heero stopped his
walking, a small shiver running down his spine.
No. That was not it either.
So'>So what did Duo mean to him?
What kind of role he had in his life? What kind of place did he have in his
heart?
Lightning blazed up in the
cloudy heavens and thunder soon followed with a loud roar. The rain grew
stronger, as if the heavens themselves were angry with him.
And why shouldn’t they be?
They had every right to condemn him for his betrayal. They should strike him
down right here and now, for even thinking of the possibility... for even
pondering over the fact that maybe... just maybe... Duo didn’t have a place in
his life anymore. They were only hurting each other... smothering one another
and torturing each other just by being there. They were slowly killing
themselves; murdering their own hearts until there’ll be nothing left of them.
Nothing left for love and joy and pleasure.
Another flash of purple-blue
lightning and Heero felt his heart sink into deeper sadness, throbbing in pain
as thunder roared.
Their love... Duo’s love...
his undefined love to the young longhaired man was just... not meant to be.
* * *
wandering in the wind and rain, his legs decided to stop in front of a small
building. A small pink, yellow and orange building. Sarah’s building.
It was dark outside, and the
temperatures were freezing. A cold wind blew in his ears, freezing them, and
his nose was numb and red from the cold. Despite the freezing cold, he
continued to stand there, looking up at the building with uncertain cobalt
eyes. His gaze was trained on the second floor to the right, to a large
panorama window that overlooked the living room. He could see a light on, and a
silhouette moving about the room. Slim hips, tender curves, walking around
while gathering her long hair into a stick-up ponytail.
He sighed and bowed his head,
looking thoughtfully down at his shoes. His wet form shivered as another cold
breeze brushed past him, and he sneezed quietly. He turned to look up the
window again, and sighed.
Slowly, hesitantly, he walked
to the gate, pushing it open with fingers stiff from the cold. The black metal
gate creaked loudly, cutting through the silence that surrounded him for the
last few hours. Still uncertain of himself, he made his way up the spiral
stairway and gently knocked on her door.
It took her a long while to
answer the door, and when she did, he could see why. She was wearing ght-ght-blue
bathrobe, her ebony hair gathered up in a twist. She was probably on her way to
the shower.
But the minute she saw him,
her green eyes widened and any thoughts of her own warm bubble bath flew out of
her mind. Heero was standing in front of her, soaked to the bone and dripping
water. His lips were almost blue, teeth chattering and he was shivering wildly
from the cold. His expression was downcast and miserable, his eyes red and
puffy as a sign of his tears.
“Heero!” She finally gasped,
shocked by his wretched appearance. “What happened?!” She asked worriedly,
reaching for his hand. She nearly winced as she felt how cold it was, and
hurried to pull him into the warm apartment. “God, you’re soaking wet!” She
continued in a concerned tone, pulling him deeper into the heated living room.
Heero showed no resistance,
his body limp and his eyes dull as he let her guide him to the sofa. He
couldn’t stop trembling now that he was out of the cold, and his teeth
chattered wildly. He could feel Sarah struggle to take off his wet jacket, but
the stubborn marital was so wet that it clung to his body and refused to let
go. When it was finally off, he could feel the cold biting into his flesh even
more, and shivering, he reached two hands up to hug himself, trying to get
warm.
“C’mon, we gotta get you
warmed up.” Sarah’s worried voice spoke somewhere near his ear, but his muscles
were so stiff that they refused to let him move his head and look at her. He
felt her run a gentle hand through his wet hair, brushing a few wet bangs out
of his eyes. He leaned into her touch, closing his eyes while he took a shaky
breath.
“I got a warm bath waiting
for you.” She said softly, helping him stand up. His body was stiff and his
damp clothes restricted his movements. As he struggled to rise off the couch,
his back bent forward and shoulders slumped, Sarah leaned down to help him. He
couldn’t help but notice that the young woman’s chest was right in front of
him, and since she was also bending down, her robe slightly opened and he could
see a hint of one white breast peeking out the fabric. He stared at it numbly
for a few mille seconds, before blushing and looking away.
font-family:Verdana;mso-bidnt-fnt-family:Verdana'>Her warm arm touch his hand
softly, as she carefully guided him up. “C’mon.” She groaned as she pulled him
up, unaware of the fact that he stared at her. “C’mon, Heero, you need to get
warm.” She encouraged him, placing a warm around his wet and cold shoulders,
guiding him to the bathroom.
Without a word, he let her
lead him there, finding comfort in her worried eyes and warm hands.
“Take your time.” She said as
she led him into the bathroom, smiling kindly at him. “I’ll try to fetch some
warm clothes for ya.”
He didn’t answer and just
stood there, in the middle of the small bathroom, looking at her with numb blue
eyes. There was an awkward silence for a few long moments, until Sarah cracked
a nervous smile and gestured at the bath filled with warm water. “Get in before
you freeze to death, okay?” She asked tenderly, and then went to the door.
“Don’t mind all the candles and stuff.” She said with a sheepish smile,
referring to the vanilla-scented candles that lighted the small bathroom,
casting warm orange light and dancing shadows over the white porcelain walls.
“I was just in a mood for... well, ya know. It’s better than yoga.” She
mumbled, and then closed the door behind her, leaving him alone in the small
bathroom.
* * *
He lay in the warm water for
a long while, numb blue eyes looking forward at nothing. For the past half hour
he lay there, surrounded by warm water and soap bubbles that carried her scent.
Her sweet, sugary, jasmine scent. Shadows danced across the bathroom’s walls,
as the small candles flickered quietly. He stared at the shadows as they danced
over the white porcelain walls, and listened to the quiet crackling of the
flames. The candles also carried the aroma of flowers and
making him lightheaded.
He couldn’t get the image of
her breasts out of his head. He kept playing and then replaying that short
moment in his mind’s eye, unable to break the circle of images. The dancing
shadows on the wall reminded him of her, of her long legs, her slim hips and
her agile body. Her long, flowing black hair that seemed to dance around the
shadowy figure. She enchanhim,him, captured his interest and sparked something
inside him... something that he could not explain. He never felt anything like
it before, but each time he was near her... each time he could watch her, even
from behind the bookshelves, he felt at ease. It seemed like the world was
perfect when she was near.
He wondered what made him
grow so fond of to her. What captured him so fiercely and made him almost
deent ent on her constant presence. He couldn’t say that it was her looks.
Sure, it had something to do with it, but it was not the main issue here. He
had seen a lot of women before, much prettier and much more appealing, but he
never gave them more than a glance. Sarah was different than all of them. She
was no super model, nor she was unattractive, but he found her simple looks
more beautiful than any other woman he had seen before.
But that was not why he began
watching her. It was something else. Something... it was hard to define. It was
just like some large wheel, a ratchet more like it, had been slowly turning in his head, as
if searching for the right place to stop. And now it did stop, the slot sliding
into place with an audible CLICK! There was no other way to explain it. It just
felt... right.
font-family:Verdana'>When the water’s temperature began to decrease, he
was shivering once more. He blinked, trying to blink the numbness away from his
dull cobalt eyes. Sighing deeply, he reach two hands up to grab the sides of
the porcelain bathtub. His arms dripped water and the droplets fell into the
bath, making a soft dripping noise as he moved. With a heavy sigh, he pushed
himself up and rose to his feet. He let the water drain out, along with the
fluffy foam, and turned on the showerhead. He rested his forehead on the cool
porcelain wall and let the warm water wash over him from above.
The image of her breasts
still lingered onto his mind, teasing him, taunting him and assaulting him with
other associative images from his dreams. Those powerful dreams that left him
panting and sweating in the night, a burning arousal demanding his attention.
He groaned in annoyance as he
felt himself slowly harden. He pressed his forehead against the cool porcelain
wall, closing his eyes and taking in slow breaths. This was a bad time to be
thinking about his dreams. Sarah was just out the bathroom’s door... which only
made this even more arousing for him. She was right out that door...
He suppressed a small moan as
a thousand arousing images flashed through his mind in a second; making his
legs feel weak as they teased him.
A small knock was heard on
the door, but he failed to hear it. He was still standing under the strong
stream of water, concentrating everything he had on getting rid of his arousal,
without using his hand.
There was a muffled sound
from behind the door, a question maybe, but he failed to hear that as well.
Behind the door, Sarah bit
her lower lip, looking at the closed door with hesitation. She was holding a
thick white towel in one hand, and a pile of clothes in the other. Her green
eyes looked uncertainly at the door, her expression worried.
Heero didn’t come out of
there for nearly forty minutes now, and she was afraid that something was
wrong. She considered the thought that he had fallen asleep, but that was
ridicules because the water was now running.
But they’ve been running for
quite a long time now...
Maybe he... maybe he did
fall asleep.
Maybe he drowned!
“Ch. Get a hold of yourself
Sarah!” She muttered to herself, shaking her head at her own silliness.
Determined, she knocked on the door again. But still he did not answer. Fed up
with worry and wondering, she tested the door, saw that it was unlocked, and
slowly began to open it.
“Heero?” She asked timidly,
peeking carefully into the steamy bathroom. It was so steamy that she could
barely see a foot in front of her. “Heero, I brought you a towel and some
clothes.” She said, taking a hesitant step into the bathroom.
“Sarah?” Heero’s surprised voice spoke from within the
steamy andst fst fog.
She chuckled nervously. “Yeah, uh, sorry for barging in
like that, but I... I...” She stuttered, her hear racing as she heard the
dripping of water slow down, as Heero probably lowered the intensity of the
stream. She took a quick breath and hurried to look away as the steam slowly
began to fade, also loosing its intensity. Heero didn’t even bother to close
the shower curtain, and now as the steam slowly faded, she could begin to see a
blurry image of his tanned body. She swallowed and launched forward, making a
dash towards the towel rack that hung by the tub, anxious to get out of this
awkward situation.
“I, uh, I’m... I’mJustGonnaPutThisHereAndGo! Sorry!” She
blurted out, panting and blushing slightly. She was standing right near the
bathtub now, so close that she could feel a few stray drops of water spray over
her skin. Her cheeks felt incredibly hot as she could see him, from the corner
of her eye, standing there and looking at her. She didn’t dare to turn and face
him, feeling anxious to get out of this terribly embarrassing situation.
But for some reason, her feet didn’t move.
A wet hand touched her. Heero’s hand. He reached for her
and held her gently by the frail wrist of her hand.
She swallowed, hard, but made no other move. She was still
facing the towel rack, her eyes wide open and staring unblinkingly at the white
wall. Her hands were still on the towel she had placed on the rack, and Heero’s
water-dripping hand was now enclosed around her wrist. A small shiver ran down
her spine at the warm touch of his hand.
“Uh...” She stuttered as she felt him slowly raise her
hand and pull her a little so he could turn her around to face him. She
chuckled nervously. “Uh, heh, I had to borrow the clothes from my next door
neighbor...” She babbled, blushing furiously as she was now face to face with
him, looking into a pair of expressive cobalt eyes, and a tanned, muscular and
gorgeous body. She didn’t miss the sight of his erection, and she gasped and
jumped in surprised, quickly looking up again.
“I... uh... I hope they fit you cuz, uh, she... heheh...
that silly neighbor, she really hates my guts but since she hates her husband
more she let me have his clothes!” She continued to ramble, feeling the weight
of his gaze on her, aware of his every movement as he looked at her intensely.
She felt so exposed, wearing only her bathrobe, and the feeling made her even
more nervous.
“Heh, she said I can keep it if I want... she doesn’t care
if the bastard won’t ge... ge... get... th...them...” Her chatter slowly
trailed off as she saw him raise his hand towards her. She gasped, feeling an
electrical jolt run through her as he rested his wet and warm hand on her
shoulder. “Ba...ba...back...” She quieted down, unable to speak anymore. Her
breathing suddenly heavy, she turned to meet his eyes, her own eyes large and
full of wonder.
He smiled slightly, reaching his other hand to caress her
cheek.
Sarah swallowed, unable to resist the urge to look down at
him again.
He was so beautiful. She didn’t know a man could be this
beautiful. She didn’t know one could be so... perfect. He had the most
exquisite body she had ever seen. Tanned, but not too much, just enough to give
his skin a rich golden hue. He was muscular, but not overly so. Just enough to
show the taut muscles that stretched under his perfect skin. He seemed quite
powerful, but yet thin and frail at the same time. And added to that was the
impressive sight of his erection, which was the one detail that she did NOT
miss. She must have stared for too long, because he suddenly chuckled, tilting
his head aside in amusement.
She blushed even more, and turned to look up at him again.
She froze in her place, her breath stolen away, as she felt him slip his hand,
the one resting on her shoulder, under her robe. She could now feel him, skin
to skin, as he slid his palm over her smooth skin, pushing the robe aside as he
did. His other hand left her cheek and rested on her other shoulder, slowly
pushing the robe away as well. Soon enough the robe slipped off her delicate
shoulders, and fell down, stopping at her elbows and continuing to hang there
as if they were a clothes hanger. She was now half nude, her pale ivory skin
and round breasts in clear sight.
Slowly, she reached down and rested her hands over his,
gently sliding them off her hips. His eyes flashed with sorrow and regret, and
he took a small step back, clearly thinking that he had done something wrong.
She could see him open his mouth, probably to apologize, so she moved before he
could speak. She slowly slid the rest of the robe off her slim body, letting it
fall to the floor. She could see the utter shock and surprise in his eyes, and
she smiled to herself, stepping out of the robe that lay at her feet.
Locking her gaze with his, she stepped into the bathtub as
well, and stood there, right before him. She was about two inches shorter than
him, not a great deal of height difference, but still she had to look up a
little in order to meet his eyes. The warm shower-stream washed over them both,
as they merely stood there, looking at each other.
Sarah smiled, trying to calm him down, for he still seemed
a little nervous.
“It’s been a while since I last, uh...” She began, but as
he reached up and placed a wet finger on her lips, she fell silent. She smiled
when he petted her lips gently, and then kissed his finger.
Heero let out a small chuckle, looking at her with
shimmering cobalt eyes. The water continued to pour from above, and the
bathroom filled with thick steam, which swirled around them. Most of the
candles had burned out by now, only a few small flames still flickering,
struggling to light the small room.
He felt like he was drowning in a deep sea of emerald
green. Her eyes were like jewels as they shone under the dim candlelight.
Slowly, he leaned closer and closer, his gaze focused on her incredible bright
green eyes. He could feel her breath quickening, blowing warm air on his wet
fingertip. Before he knew what he was doing, his lips replaced his finger and
he leaned down and kissed Sarah, the way he had dreamt of doing for so long.
Sarah quickly melted into the kiss, pushing herself up and
pressing her lips closer to his warm mouth. As she felt his tongue taste her
bottom lip, she opened her mouth and let him in. His hot tongue hesitated at
first, but after a few seconds he succumbed to his need to taste her, and dove
into her sweet mouth.
Their hands worked up and
down each other’s bodies, roaming over wet and warm flesh, touching and
caressing each other everywhere. Soon, they were both panting, their wet bodies
sliding against each other as their tongues continued to dance together in a
wet and blazing waltz. They broke apart for air, looking at each other,
panting. The wait seemed to be unbearable to them both and soon they were
devouring each other once again, kissing passionately under the hot streaming
water.
His erection pulsed and
throbbed, beaconing him to move faster... act faster... do it now before he
exploded. He began rocking his hips against her, drinking every moan out of her
mouth as she too began to rock with him, guiding his hands to her breasts and
parting her legs for him. He could feel her press her body closer to him,
positioning herself in front of his aching need.
He drew back a little,
parting his lips from her delicious and hot mouth, and just stood there,
panting. He took a moment to just look at her, his eyes glazed over with
passion and lust. He took in the sight of her slightly swollen lips, which were
red and slightly parted as she breathed heavily. Her breasts rose up and down
as she panted, her long and wet black hair plastered to her ivory skin, creating
a game of heavy contrasts of brightness and... and da... Darkness!
Heero’s eyes widened and he
gasped, staggering back a little.
The Darkness! How could he
forget?! How could he be so stupid and forget!? He could never... never... no!
How could he!?
He began trembling, his body
quivering with fear.
That pain... that Darkness...
no! He can’t let himself do this! Not to her! Not to Sarah!
“Heero?” Sarah whispered, her
green eyes narrowing with concern. “Are you all right?” She asked, taking a step
closer.
That throbbing need between
his legs... that burning desire... that all consuming feelings... is that what
it felt like?! Is this what drove people to... to... Is this what made them use
t Han Hands and hurt someone!? Is that what it felt like?!
This was it... this was the
feeling. The feeling far greater and far more powerful than the Darkness. This
is the feeling that created the Darkness... the feeling gave life to the
hurting Hands and many tears. The feeling that made people try and hurt him...
the feeling that demanded that they be inside him... hurting him... making him
scream, beg and cry until the tears ran out and only emptiness remained. Only
Darkness... that all consuming Darkness.
No!!!! His hands... he will
not let them... he will not let them submit to the Darkness... He will not let
them... he will not submit... he will not let them... not his hands...
not to Sarah! No! No! No! No! No!!!!!
His gaze numb and his eyes
wide, Heero slowly turned to look down at his hands. He raised them up a
little, looking at them as if seeing them for the first time, as if they were
something alien to him.
“Heero?” Sarah’s soft voice
came to his ears again, and he gasped, eyes widening even more.
No! He can’t allow himself to
be like them! He will not become one of them! The people in the Shadows... the
Bad Men in the Darkness... he will not be one of them! No! He will not hurt
Sarah! He can’t! He can’t hurt her! Not ever!
“I don’t want to hurt you!”
He blurted out, his voice frantic and his words jumbled. “I’m sorry!” He
called, jumping out of the bathtub. He grabbed the towel off the rack as he
rushed out of the small bathroom, leaving Sarah behind, wet, aroused, worried
and confused.
* * *
After quickly dressing in her
bathrobe, Sarah rushed out of the shower and followed him. She found him in her
bedroom, sitting on her bed. He was wearing nothing but the white towel around
his slim waist, his hair wet and dripping water on his exposed torso. The only
light ie roe room was the soft orange light of her bed-lamp, and it colored his
skin with a warm golden hue. The small droplets of water that trickled down his
body shone under the soft orange light as they trailed down his muscular body
and fell onto the clean bed sheets.
Outside, thunder rumbled from
a distance and soft prickles of tap tapped against the large bedroom window.
The room was quite chilly, despite the fact that the window was closed. The
transparent white curtains helped filter the soft blue light of the moon and
streetlamps. Lightning flashed from time to time, and other than the rain
falling and thunder calling, the room was completely silent.
She approached the bed
slowly, carefully, holding her bathrobe, clutching a handful of fabric over her
chest, as if preventing it from opening. He didn’t look up at her when she sat
down next to him, looking at him with worried green eyes. He was staring down
at the floor, his breath a little shallow, and his features numb. His cobalt
eyes were dull and moist, not a sign of the passion that was in them a short
while ago. He continued sitting there quietly, and the minutes ticked by.
She listened to the sound of
his slowly drawn breaths, sitting so close to him that she could feel the heat
emitting from his smooth bronze skin. She dared not touch him, afraid that he
will bolt as he did in the shower. She waited patiently for him to recover,
just sittinere ere with him, letting him know that she’s there if he needed
her.
The storm outside began to
intensify, strong wind and heavy rain crashing again the walls and windows. The
thunder was closer now, and the room began to feel a little chillier. She
inched closer to his heat, barely registering that she did, until their bodies
touched.
Heero sighed and then pulled
away a little. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Small tears lingered
onto his dark eyelashes, shining under the warm orange light. His hands
clenched into fists, and his jaw tensed. He took another deep breath, and then
slowly opened his eyes. His expression was distant and his eyes shimmered under
the dim orange light of the room. He didn’t turn to look at her, keeping his
gaze on the floor, and then finally whispered: “Would you believe me if I told
you that I was a Gundam pilot?”
Looking at him with a serious
expression, Sarah answered quietly: “Yes.”
Stunned, he whirled around to
face her, his eyes wide with surprise. “You knew?”
Sarah smiled weakly, pushing
a few hairs behind her ear. She nodded. “I saw your picture in an old magazine.
You were standing next to Relena Peacecrat tat the end of the Eve wars.” Her
gaze suddenly saddened and she lowered her eyes, looking at the floor. “She
must be quite a woman.” She muttered bitterly.
Still stunned, Heero managed
to just gape at her for a while, before finally shaking his head. He looked
away again, and took a deep breath, his fingers still fidgeting. “You knew all
along... and you didn’t mind:p><:p>
“Why would I mind?”
“You also saved many of
them.” She reminded him softly, reaching for his hand and looking at him with
compassionate green eyes.
Heero sighed and pulled away
from her gentle touch. “I wouldn’t know...” He mumbled, looking down at his
fidgeting hands. “I have no recollection of that time. My earliest memory dates
back merely... six years ago.”
Confused, she turned to look
at him, waiting silently for him to continue. She could sense how hard it was
for him to talk about it, and so she was patient, giving him all the time he
needed.
“After the war... I was...
kidnapped, I think. I’m not sure, because... because they tell me that I knew
the kidnapper, so maybe... maybe I went to him... I don’t know.” Heero mumbled,
his voice barely a whisper. He was looking down at his hands, where he was
currently busy playing with his towel, gathering a handful of fabric in his
hands and twisting it forcefully.
A tense silence filled the
room, and Sarah inched closer to him, resting a warm hand on his shoulder,
offering silent comfort. She could feel him tremble before he took another deep
breath, and continued.
“He erased all my memories.
Everything. I didn’t even know how to speak or even walk when they found me. He
kept me in a basement for two years, using me for his...” His voice trembled
and tears shone in his dull blue eyes. He sniffled and another shiver ran
through him. It took him a few long moments to compose himself before he spoke
again. “...he used me in any way possible. I didn’t understand wha was was
doing to me, but I was always afraid. Afraid of when he will come out of the
shadows and... and..:p><:p>
Her own eyes were tearful by
now, and her heart ached at the sight of his pain. “Heero, please,” She begged,
reaching up to stroke his wet hair gently. “You don’t have to do this.”
He sniffled, shaking his
head. “No. I... I want to. I want someone to... I want...”
“Shhh...” She hushed him, her
hand petting his hair gently. “I understand.”
Unable to speak just yet,
Heero nodded in gratitude and reached a hand to wipe away his tears.
“It was Duo who found me,
he... we... we used to be friends, back when... during the war.”
“He was also a pilot?” Sarah
asked carefully, not wanting to interrupt him, but still having the need to
know.
Heero nodded and sniffled
once again. “He took me into his home and he... he took care of me. I’m very
grateful for that, but...” He fell silent, a few fat droplets escaping his eyes
and falling onto the white towel around his waist. He could feel Sarah’s hand
reaching for his, and he held her palm tightly, as if trying to squeeze comfort
out of it. He sniffled and wiped away his tears again.
“You see... Duo was in love
with me. He... he never said that, but I know that he was. I know that that is
why he worked so hard to look for me when I was kidnapped. That’s why he took
me in... he did so much for me... so much that it will take me two lifetimes to
repay him, but... but I can’t. I can’t return his feelings.”
Sarah nodded in
understanding, watching him with tearful green eyes and a tender expression.
“I know that it’s very
ungrateful of me... and that’s why... that’s why I can’t... I feel like I
can’t... that I shouldn’t...”
“That you shouldn’t be with
another?” She asked, her voice uncertain.
Heero closed his eyes sadly
and bowed his head. He nodded every so slightly.
Sarah sighed and held his
hand ter. er. “Heero, I understand how you feel, but still, you shouldn’t deny
yourself of---”
“There’s more.” Heero cut in,
even though his voice was still a mere whisper. She fell silent immediately,
waiting for him to continue. “There are more reasons why I... why I can’t...
why I can’t do... this.”
Her heart began to beat
painfully in her chest as she sensed the approaching gravity of his upcoming
words. She looked at him with eyes that glistered with tears, waiting for him
to speak.
“The kidnapper... he’s not
the only one who... used me.” Heero whispered, his voice faltering. He remained
silent for a long while, his gaze fixed at the floor. “I seem to attract
trouble like a magnet, because... there were others... other people who tried
to... to...” He whimpered quietly and shook his head, pulling away from the
touch of her hand. She pulled back as well, watching him painfully as he
wrapped his arms around himself, hugging naked torso while his body shivered
ever so slightly.
“Duo also tried to... he...
he nearly did.” Heero’s voice was lower than a whisper, careful and full of
hurt. “That’s why I was in the institute. I couldn’t take it anymore and I
just... closed off.”
Sarah swallowed the large
lump in her throat, unable to do anything but nod. A silly and inappropriate
reply, but still, she couldn’t bring herself to do anything else.
n stn style='font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>“It hurts so much.” Heero
cried, more tears running down his cheek, his arms tightening their hold around
himself. “It hurt so much each time they... each time they... in me... and they
never listened when I told them to stop...” His speech was jumbled and nearly
incoherent, as he was obviously trapped in a night-lik-like state.
Sarah sat there, frozen,
staring at him with wide but yet unseeing eyes.
“I never... I never felt like
I did today... what we did in the shower, I... I never did that before... not
willingly... I... I know you must think me as pathetic... a weak and impotent
little boy who’t e’t even... can’t even bring himself to do this with the one
he... he...”
“Shhh... Heero, shhhhh...”
Her soft voice tried to calm him and she wrapped her arms around him gently,
pulling him closer to her in a warm and soothing embrace. “I don’t see you as a
weak person, Heero.” She whispered to him, pulling him even er ser so that his
head was resting on her shoulder. She rested her own head on his, her lips
brushing against his ear. The scent of his hair filled her senses, engulfing
her along with the heat the emitted from his body. She petted his hair like a
mother soothing a child, whispering soft words into his ear.
“You’re not weak, Heero. And
I understand how you feel. It’s okay to feel uncertain... I don’t judge you for
it...” She could feel him gradually relax in her embrace, sinking deeper into
her warm body. His arms wrapped themselves around her waist as he held her
tightly, clinging to her as if for life itself.
“Their hands... they never
stopped hurting me...” He mumbled, his voice a frail whisper of a heartbroken
child. “They never let go...”
“Shush...” She soothed,
stroking his hair gently and caressing his damp cheeks. She wiped away his
tears and leaned to kiss them lightly. Her heart clenched in pain as she heard
him whimper quietly, pulling her closer to him and snuggling against her even
more.
They sat like that, embracing
each other, for a long while, silence covering them like a blanket of clouds.
The soft orange light of the room created a game of light and shadows around
them, and outside it was still raining. The rain tapped against the window,
pouring down like waterfalls over the clear glass. Within the pleasant silence,
just when she thought that he had fallen asleep, she could hear him sniffle
quietly, and felt him move in her embrace.
“I’m sorry Sarah...” He
mumbled, his voice sorrowful and small. “I’m sorry I can’t be as strong as you
want me to...”
Tears filled her eyes again
and she also sniffled, shaking her head. “No, Heero. You have nothing to be
sorry about.” She whispered gently to him, her hand caressing his soft brown
hair. “You are the strongest person I ever knew. To go though all that you
did... and still be able to live a normal life... a full life... Not many are
able to do that. In six short years, you’ve managed to come so far... you’ve
dealt with so much... so many things... and you beat them, against all odds.
You’re not weak at all, Heero. I’m so proud to know you... to be able to be
with you...”
Heero sniffled. “...thank
you...” He mumbled, his voice muffled for his face was pressed against her. He
wrapped his arms around her slender waist and hugged her tightly, nuzzling
himself deeper into her warm body. He let the feeling of her hand stroking his
hair lull him into a state of slumber, enjoying the silence and the closeness
to her body. Slowly he relaxed completely, feeling more at ease. He felt warm
and safe in her embrace, and he didn’t ever want her to let go of him. He
tightened his hold around her waist.
“I... I don’t want to go
home...” He murmured sleepily, clinging to her like a small child would cling
to his mother. “Duo... we... I... we had a fight and I... I really messed
things up...” He sniffled again and then sighed deeply. “...I said a lot of
cruel things to him today... and... I...”
“Shhh...” Sarah silenced him
gently and continued to soothe hcarecaressing him gently. “Just rest now,
Heero. Don’t worry about that right now. Just sleep. Shush... sleep...” She
petted his hair and rocked him gently until his tears calmed. His trembling
ceased and his body relaxed. She was unable to see his features, since he
buried his face between her neck and shoulder, but she was pretty certain that
he fell asleep. Carefully, she placed a hand on the back of his head and gently
pushed him off her, and lay him carefully on the bed, easing his head on the
soft pillow.
She brushed a few damp bangs
out of his eyes, looking down at him with compassionate green eyes. Trails of
tears were still glistering on her cheeks, and she had to take a few moments to
calm down. She then covered Heero tightly and leaned down to deliver a soft
kiss on his slightly parted lips.
She remained by his side all
through the night, holding his hand and guarding his sleep. Her heart felt as
if flooded with a feeling of both uncertainty and warmth. Her heart felt ten
times larger as she looked down at him, and she knew in her heart that after
tonight, there was no way back. She was falling. Hard. No... Falling was not
the right term to put it. She fell for him from the moment she saw him. He
managed to spark something in her. Something that she thought that she could
never find. He caught her interest at first, then he earned her respect,
feelings of compassion, and then finally, her heart.
The warm feeling filled her
heart completely, and each time she tried to explain it, to put it into words,
even just to herself so she can come to terms with it, she couldn’t. It was too
big... too vast... to infinite to be put into mere words. It was a strong
emotion that flooded her body and soul. She was absolutely certain, that this
is the feeling they call ‘love’. elineling so great and intense that it filled
you completely and left no room for anything else. Her heart felt as if it was
about to burst for it was filled with so much emotion. It made her breathless
and lightheaded. He filled her every thought in every waking and non-waking moment.
This had to be it. There was no doubt about it. Heero was what her heart had
been searching for since the day she was born.
And now she felt at peace,
happy and content that she finally found him. She smiled slightly and brushed
his hair aside once again, looking at his handsome features with sparkling
green eyes. She caressed his face gently, smiling at him. Slowly, she leaned
down and places a gentle kiss on his slightly parted lips.
* * *
Time flew by quickly, seeming
like a dream to Heero. Sarah and he spent most of their time together, going
out, getting to know each other, having fun or even studying together. He would
bring some textbooks from work and go to her place, and the two would study for
an exam or work on a paper together. Such study sessions were usually followed
by a home-cooked dinner, which they both made together. Heero spent nearly all
of his time at Sarah’s apartment. If they weren’t studying, they just cuddled
on the couch with a movie and some takeout, or spent the night talking and
bearing each other’s hearts.
He slept over sometimes, on
the couch at first and then after some time in the same bed with her. They only
slept; but did nothing else, for Heero still couldn’t bring himself to have sex
with her. He wanted to sometimes, so badly that it hurt, but each time they
tried to have a go at it, his fears d sud surface and he would pull back,
unable to continue. It shamed him and depressed him, but Sarah was very
understanding and supportive. She said that she could wait, and it was actually
a good thing for their relationship. She explained that in every relationship
she had in the past, sex always came too soon and was always the main issue in
the relationship. That’s why they didn’t last, because they were based on
physical attraction and nothing more. While she admitted that she was very
attracted to him, she also insisted that they should wait a little, get to know
each other a little more, before “jumping into bed together”. They did share
quite a lot of physical contact. There were days that they couldn’t get their
hands off each other, but they never got into the actual sexual intercourse
itself.
Being with Sarah provoked
many changes in Heero. He suddenly felt compelled to become more independent
than he was in the past. He began taking driving lessons, after easily getting
a raise from Riley. He also planned on buying himself a car, so he won’t be
dependant on Sarah to drive them around every time they went out. He also went
to the gym more days a week, working out a little harder than before. It was
suddenly very important to him to perfect his body and keep in shape.
He also stopped taking the
pills completely. He felt just fine without them, and he decided that he had no
need for them. They only slowed him down and made his head ache, the exact
opposite of what they were supposed to do. They were supposed to keep
the headaches away, but instead he reached the conclusion that they were the
ones causing all those headaches. The pills’ original job was to also “slow
down” his brain activity, in order to diminish the headaches. Taking into
consideration that he felt “slower” when he took the pills, Heero concluded
that his brain’s rate had finally settled down and he had no need to take the
pills anymore. Weeks of being without the pills have proved him right, and so
he threw the bottle of white pills away, muttering a bitter “good riddance” as
he did.
That’s when Duo began to get
suspicious. He found the bottle of pills in the trashcan. It was one of many
clues that told him that something was going on with Heero. The young Japanese
man was rarely home. The only time Duo could exchange about half a word with
him, was in the morning, and not all mornings because Heero sometimes
disappeared for the whole night- if not for days- and only came back home
around noon, when Duo was at work.
Sometimes, if he was really
lucky, he could catch Heero just before the young man headed to the gym, and
the two would go together. But even if they were together, they barely
spoke to one another. Heero seemed to be more distant than ever, exchanging
little words, and avoiding answering Duo’s questions. If he did offer some
words, they were always hollow and meaningless. He felt like he didn’t know who
Heero was anymore. He felt like the young man was deliberately avoiding him,
and he beat himself over the question- why? What did he do wrong?
Of course, Heero was avoiding
Duo. It was not an illusion created by the young American’s mind. Heero did his
best to avoid Duo nowadays. He was simply trying to avoid the uncomfortable
feeling of being next to the man who was the center of his world up until a few
months ago. The man who practically raised him. The man who knew him better
than anyone else in torldorld. He was also the man who was in love with him for
the past few years. And this is where the real problem lay. Heero just
didn’t know how to break the news to Duo, that he had fallen in love with
someone else, and a woman no less.
It felt ludicrous that he
should feel embarrassed and ashamed over loving a woman and not a man. But
still it bothered him. He felke ike it will be an even bigger blow to Duo’s
heart if he’ll hear that he prefers women over men. For all he knew, he might
have been gay before his “rebirth”, though he highly doubted it. It was a
strange feeling he got sometimes, something genuine and solid that lay deep
inside of him and gave him the feeling that the person that he was, hadn’t
changed. He was still the same as he was before the kidnapping, before the
surgery and before the two years of Darkness. He was certain of it as he was
certain that the Earth was round and the skies were blue. He was still the same
in heart and spirit, and so he didn’t believe that he had any homosexual
tendencies, romantic feelings for Duo, or towards any other man for that
matter.
He only wondered if he’s
so-called “old self” would have avoided the problem the way he was doing now.
Probably not. That same solid feeling in his heart told him that he would have
never run away from a problem like he did now. But still, he didn’t approach
Duo, simply because he had no idea what to say or do, and to top it all, he
didn’t know how Duo will react and what can he do to help Duo and make it up to
him.
So Heero just let this
problem slide by, as if unnoticed, and continued spending his days and nights
with Sarah, leaving Duo behind. The young violet-eyed man did his best to avoid
another fit of clinical depression, drowning himself in work instead of his
usual tendency to go for the bitter drink. He busied himself with developing
the business, working long hours and even bringing some paperwork home so he
wouldn’t have to focus solely on the silence.
When he did go out, it was
usually to do the shopping or to the gym. He spotted Michael from time to time,
but he didn’t approach him. He could tell that the young man was eyeing him as
he walked around the gym or the shower rooms, but he paid it no mind. He was
too depressed to actually do something about it. He preferred to gloom by
himself, isolating himself from the world and from the hurting sight oppieppier
people.
He sometimes wondered
secretly if Heero noticed his depression, and if he even cared. He felt even
more depressed as his heart suddenly spat the answer in his face- saying that
Heero didn’t care at all. He had his own life to live, and so he had no reason
to care!
For the first time in six
years, Duo felt so very, utterly, thoroughly, totally, completely and most
definitely, alone.
* * *
“Are you two coming to the wedding?” Sally asked casually,
looking up from her meal. She was sitting around the dinner table, along with
her husband, her daughter and her two guests- Duo and Heero. The two were
sitting across from her and Wufei, their chairs rather close to each other, but
still it felt like there was a great distance between the two. The whole meal
had a tense and awkward atmosphere. It was Meiran’s sixth birthday and instead
of smiling faces and laughter, there was discomfort and silence. Duo was barely
speaking; in fact he barely uttered a single word since he walked in and wished
Mei-chan a happy birthday. Heero was also quieter than usual, though he did
speak from time to time, and even smiled as he spoke to little Mei-chan.
Even though Heero had “grown up”, he was still very close
to the little girl. They were like siblings, despite the great age difference.
Meiran didn’t mind that her best friend was a twenty-three year old man, and
she treated him like her older brother. Her love and admiration for Heero was
great, as was his love to her. Sally guessed that Meiran was the only reason
Heero was speaking tonight, and that if it weren’t for her, he wouldn’t
even offer half a smile. He was trying to pretend that everything was all
right, and it seemed to convince the little girl, but it didn’t convince her.
“I’m going!” Merian announced proudly, waving her hand up
in the air as she answered her mother’s question. “Oniichan is coming too, ne?”
She added with a broad smile, turning to look at Heero who was sitting right
beside her. She always insisted on sitting next to her Oniichan, even if there
was room for only two chairs on that side of the table. She would squeeze in
between he and uncle Duo, or just sit on Heero’s lap. Today she was sitting
only next to Heero, for her uncle Duo seemed too mad tonight so she didn’t want
to sit next to him. Now it was Heero’s turn to be “sandwiched” between her and
Duo.
When she saw that her Oniichan isn’t answering, she turned
to look at uncle Duo with shimmering brown eyes. “Ne, uncle Duo? You’re coming,
right?”
Slowly, Duo raised his bowed head and smiled weakly at the
little girl. “Of course I am, Mei-chan. I promised Quatre that it will be Heero
and I who’ll push him into the lake this time...”
Wufei snickered. “I can’t believe you remember that,
Maxwell!”
“Who can forget?!” Sally exclaimed, mock-glaring at the
memory from her own wedding, when a drunken Quatre pushed her into the lake.
“I’ll be right there to help you two!”
Meiran grinned. “Me too! Me too!” She called, jumping up and
down in her chair, so that her two ponytails bounced as well.
Heero chuckled and shook his head in amusement. “Mei-chan,
you don’t even know who is getting married!” He exclaimed, ruffling the top of
her little head.
The little girl scowled at him, her expression adorable.
“Yes I do! Uncle Trowa and uncle Quatre! And they’re the ones who sent me that
big present! Mommy said I can open it after tea!”
“Speaking of which,” Sally spoke up. “I think it’s time
we’ll start making the tea.” She finished, and with a groan and some effort,
pushed herself off her chair. Her husband hurried to get up and help her,
supporting her as she got up. Now standing on two feet, the sight of her
bulging stomach could be seen by all. The woman was about six months pregnant.
“Do you need any help?” Wufei asked tenderly, watching her
like a hawk as she bent down to clear the dishes off the table.
Sally smiled and shook her head. “No, I’m fine. Why won’t
you and Duo start getting the tea ready while I’ll clear the table?”
At her words, Duo finally looked up, scowling. He knew all
too well that Wufei didn’t need help when it came to making a few cups of tea.
Sally probably intended for them to have a... he shuddered at the thought. It
was time for another “talk”.
Sighing, he got up and reluctantly walked to the kitchen,
carrying his own plate and also Heero and Meiran’s plates with him, so he could
save Sally some work. He followed Wufei to the kitchen.
“Ne Oniichan! Lets play!” Meiran chirped happily, jumping
out of her chair. “I wanna see what you got me for my birthday!” She announced,
running to the living room where a small pile of colorful boxes lay.
Heero smiled and nodded his head. After wiping his mouth
with a napkin, he got up and walked to the living room to spend some time with
his little friend.
*
* *
“Oniichan, do you know I’m gonna be a big sister soon?!
Mommy says so! See? Her stomach is all big and she’s gonna give me a little
brother soon! It’s like a birthday present, only I have to wait for a loooooooooooooong
time to get it...”
font-family:Verdana'>Heero smiled kindly at the little girl, petting her hair
affectionately. He was sitting on one of the soft armchairs in the living room,
Meiran on his lTheyThey spent the last few minutes in conversation, though it
was Mei-chan who did most of the talking. She told him all about school, her
friends, her teachers, the animals they saw on the trip to the zoo... anything
that came to mind.
Ha'>Heero sat there and listened with interest, asking some
questions and encouraging her to go on. Sally had settled her heavy form on the
armchair next to them, listening to her daughter and looking at her with eyes
that shone with warmth. As the little girl made a comment about her pregnancshe she chuckled and shook her head in amusement. Heero was also amused by her
words.
“I know, Mei-chan. But it’s going to be worth the wait.
You’re going to be a wonderful sister, I’m sure.”
Meiran grinned at her “Oniichan’s” approval. “Ne,
Oniichan, how do you call a big sister in Japanese?” She asked eagerly,
settling on her knees, while still sitting on Heero’s lap. Now she could be
within eyelevel to her Oniichan.
Heero smiled and pecked he nose with the tip of his
finger. “Onechan.” He said softly, his cobalt eyes shining with warmth as he
looked into her adorable little face.
“But I’m still gonna be your imotochan, ne?”
From a nearby armchair, Sally chuckled in amusement at her
daughter’s question. Heero smiled as well and leaned down to kiss her small
forehead. “Of course.” He replied tenderly, reaching up to flip the little
girl’s ponytails, which dangled at each side of her small head. They swung from
side to side and he smiled in delight. “Always.”
Mei-chan grinned happily and launched at him with a tight
hug, wrapping her small arms around his neck. She could feel him move as he
raised his arms to hug her back. She nuzzled herself into his warmth, burying
her small face between his neck and shoulder. But just as he leaned his own
head on hers and turned to kiss her sweet hair, she suddenly remembered
something and jumped up, slamming her little head into Heero’s chin.
Heero winced in pain and drew back quickly. “Meiran,
what’s wrong?” He asked worriedly, his chin throbbing in pain.
“I’m sorry Oniichan!” The little girl cried, looking at
him with sorrowful brown eyes. “But you gotta see what I made for you! Wait
here!” She then called in excitement and jumped off him, making a quick run to
the staircase and up to her room.
Heero smiled, watching her run off. He turned to Sally
with a wistful smile. “She’s growing up so fast.”
Sally chuckled and placed a hand over her bulging stomach.
“Don’t they all?”
Heero’s smile faded and he looked away from her. “Yeah...”
A tense silence fell between them, until Sally spoke
timidly. “Listen, Heero, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something...”
Heero sighed and shook his head. “Please Sally, don’t. Not
tonight.” He asked quietly, turning to look at her with serious blue eyes. “If
this is about Duo, then I already know what you have to say. Please, let it be.
If only for tonight.”
“You’re seeing someone, aren’t you?” She stated, ignoring
his request.
“..........................”
“That’s why you’re rarely home.”
“Sally, please.” He asked, looking at her pleadingly. “Not
tonight.”
Sighing, the woman nodded her head and looked at him
sternly. “All right, Heero. I’ll honor that request. I just hope you know what
you are doing.” She could see him open his mouth to respond, and raised her
hand up, signaling him to stop. “I’m not talking about what you’re doing with
whoever you are seeing. You are an intelligent and reasonable young man and I
trust that you know what you are doing. But I also hope that you realize what
you are doing to Duo by keeping this a secret from him.”
“I... I know what I’m doing, Sally...” Heero mumbled,
looking the other way for he was unable to face her right now. “...I think.”
“Ne Oniichan! Look!” Meiran’s sweet little voice cut
through the tense silence that followed Heero’s words, and both he and Sally
turned in the direction of the girl running towards them. The six-year-old was
holding a sheet of paper in her hand, waving it excitedly. She was smiling
broadly and her large brown eyes sparkled with joy.
“Look I made you a drawing!” She declared proudly, jumping
up so she could sit on his lap again, and handing him her drawing, shoving it
eagerly into his hand.
Smiling, Heero took the offered gift and turned to look at
it. His smile slowly faded as he saw what the little girl drew. It was a
sketchy and out of proportion drawing of two figures. One tall, longhaired and
violet eyed, and the other one a little shorter, with spiky brown hair and deep
blue eyes. They were both smiling, holding hands, but the look in the
longhaired figure’s eyes looked so very sad, despite the smile.
“See?” Mei-chan chirped, her face beaming with a smile.
“This is uncle Duo-chan and this is you!
Heero’s eyes began to water and he nodded his head, too
choked with up-coming tears to try and speak.
“Is it pretty?” The little girl asked, looking at him with
expectant brown eyes.
Heero forced on a smile, though it came out sad and
sorrowful. He sniffled and then nodded his head again, blinking away the tears.
“Yes, Mei-chan. It’s beautiful...” He mumbled, his voice suffocated.
Even Mei-chan could detect the sad look in Duo’s eyes...
the sad look that he himself had caused...
*
* *
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Wufei stood while leaning
against the kitchen counter, arms crossed over his chest. He was looking down
at Duo, who was sitting across of him, by the kitchen table. On the counter
stood two trays full with mugs, sugar, teaspoons and so on, and nearby a kettle
full of water was slowly coming to a boil.
“So... what’s wrong?” Wufei finally spoke, after some long
moments of merely watching Duo.
The young manhed hed but didn’t say a thing. He continued
to sit with his shoulders slumped and a solemn look on his tired features.
“Does it have to do with Heero?” He tried again, after
getting no response.
Duo sighed again and shifted in his chair, a clear sign
that Wufei had hit his target. He sighed and pushed himself away from the
counter, taking a few steps towards Duo. He looked down at him in compassion,
his gaze soft. “Please talk to me, Duo. It’s not healthy for you to keep things
inside. Especially not after...”
“Save it, Fei. I know. Save the lectures.” Duo snapped and
then sighed deeply. He looked up in the direction of the living room, watching
Heero as he sat on an armchair, little Mei-chan on his lap, speaking to him
with great enthusiasm. She was holding a little piece of paper, showing it to
him. Heero was also smiling at her, petting her small dark head and answering
one of her many questions.
“You knew that this is what
will happen, eventually.” Wufei spoke quietly, eyeing Duo with serious black
eyes. “Wishful thinking can be nice some times, but you had more than enough
time to come to terms with reality. Heero will never see you as a lover.”
“......I know.” Duo muttered,
still looking at Heero with shimmering amethyst eyes. “I’ve known this from the
very beginning.” He sighed and turned to look at his friend. “But old feelings
have a bad habit of coming back.”
“Because he finally grew up?”
The Chinese man asked, his face stern.
“Have you tried dating other
men?”
Duo snorted. He reached a
hand up to rub the bridge of his nose, and sighed. “It feels like I’m betraying
him... like I’m cheating on a lover...”
“But Heero’s not your lover.
He never was.” Wufei reminded him carefully.
“I know that Fei! I know!”
Duo burst, his expression frustrated. “I don’t even think that I could handle
seeing him as a lover! It just... it won’t work. It’s... it won’t be right.”
“And still you can’t let go?”
Duo leaned his elbow on the
small table and buried his face in it. “If he’s not my lover... and he’s not my
friend... what is he then? Why should we be together?” He asked quietly, his
voice miserable and despairing.
Still standing, Wufei looked down at his distressed friend
with worried onyx eyes. After a while, he took a seat next to him, leaning
forward and looking up at him with earnest eyes. “Why do you say that he’s not
your friend? Heero and you have always been friends. You’re the only one he
used to trust back in the war. You’re the one he cares for the most.”
“Am I?” Duo mumbled, his face still hidden in his palm.
“Am I really?” He sighed shaking his head. “I don’t think so, Fei. Heero
doesn’t need me anymore. He’s finally grown up; he has a job, his working on a
degree... Goddamn it, he even takes driving lessons now! Behind my back, like
he doesn’t want me to know. Like it’s a big secret. Gosh, Fei, I thought that
I’d be the one to teach him how to drive... I want to be there with him when
he’ll pass the driving test... I really do! But he... he doesn’t want me there
anymore. He doesn’t need me.”
“You don’t know that. And I certainly don’t believe that.”
Wufei stated sharply, reaching for Duo’s hand.
“Well I do! I mean... he’s rarely home nowadays! He says “Duo...” “I mean, at first I thought, okay, we had a fight, I Having nothing to say to the dejected young man, Wufei Duo sniffled once or twice, reaching a hand up to wipe “...I dunno... maybe Heero has it right...” He finally “I think that it’s a very good idea.” Wufei agreed The longhaired young man kept his head bowed, and sighed Wufei grimaced at the broken tone in Duo’s voice, his “Why won’t you go out?” Wufei suddenly offered, trying to Duo gave out a small chuckle, shaking his head in slight “Why won’t you give it a shot?” Wufei continued, looking Again Duo chuckled bitterly, but this time he lifted his Chuckling, the young Chinese man mock-glared at the man if A small smile touched Duo’s lips and he looked at his “Seriously, Duo,” Wufei’s voice spoke seriously once His smile disappearing, Duo bowed his head again and “...yeah, I think I’ll do that.” He mumbled, looking up at “You’re most welcome, Duo.” The black-haired man answered Duo chuckled and got up as well. “Nah, dun worry Fei. Amused, Wufei snorted and picked up a tray full of cups The young longhaired man grinned and picked up another tray, * * * “...
he has work to do, but I know he’s lying! Where does he go all the time? I can
never be with him. I miss him! We live under the same roof, but yet I miss him!
Things are so awkward between us... everything’s so cold and detached... it’s
like... it’s like I don’t matter to him anymore.”
p>
screwed up as usual and he got mad. Nothing new there. He just needs some time
to chill. But it’s been WEEKS since that little fight and still nothing changed!
It just got worse!” Duo was nearly crying now, his voice hoarse and heavy with
tears. He sniffled loudly and reached to wipe them away with his sleeve. “I’m
losing him, Fei. I’m losing him for good this time, and I... I don’t know what
to do to make it stop... Why is he running away from me..? What did I do wrong?
Ever since the... the... rape... I’ve been... I’ve been so careful! I’ve tried
to be a good friend, and I supported him in everything! I didn’t mean to
smother him like a mother hen! I... I didn’t mean any wrong... and yet he...
he’s... he’s drifting away from me...”
merely held his hand, trying to offer some comfort.
away the tears. His head was bowed, his tearful violet eyes looking down numbly
at the kitchen table. He blinked away a few more stray tears, slowly calming
down.
mumbled, keeping his gaze down and his voice quiet as he spoke. “He’s moving on
with his life... maybe I should do the same...”
silently, squeezing Duo’s hand a little.
heavily. “...yeah...”
heart going out to his friend. The two sat in silence; Wufei eyeing Duo closely
while the other young man stared numbly at the tabletop. From the living room,
Meiran’s laughter could be heard as she giggled her little childish giggles.
Heero’s soft laughter soon followed, and it was like a hammering blow to Duo’s
heart. He could never make Heero laugh like that again. He used to... but now
it was just a distant memory.
keep his tone light. There was no reaction from Duo, but he continued anyway.
“You know... get dressed, go downtown... you used to do so all the time during
the war. Back when it wasn’t necessary...” He smiled wistf.
amusement.
seriously at the young man. “Go out and socialize. Surely there are colleagues
who would love to spend an evening with you.”
gaze up, amethyst eyes shining in amusement. “Now there’s a way to tell that
your social life had hit rock-bottom...” He muttered, a ghost of a smile
hovering over his lips. “Getting advice from mister-I-have-no-use-for-a-social-life-so-get-outta-my-face
Chang Wufei.”
front of him. “And here I was beginning to think that we’re actually having a serious
discussion...” He snorted, but his onyx eyes sparkled in amusement.
friend with thankful amethyst eyes. He was really grateful for Chang’s
friendship. Right now, he really needed it, and it felt so good to go back into
their old habits of teasing each other. It’s been nearly six years since they
exchanged such puns. It made him feel so old when he thought about it, but
right now, he ignored the feeling and just concentrated on keeping a positive
trail of thought.
again. “Go out... have fun... leave the house for a while. For six years all
you had in mind was Heero. I’m not saying that it’s wrong, but maybe... maybe
it’s time to take care of yourself too.”
looked down at his hands. He sighed heavily, slowly closing his eyes. He took a
deep breath, stalling for a few moments before he opened his eyes again.
his friend with appreciative eyes. “Thanks, Fei.”
with a smile. He stood up, a smirk on his face. “Now, lets get the tea to the
living room before Sally will see to the end of me...”
Sally’s too cruel to just kill ya... she just won’t let you have some for a
week!”
and other accessories. “Ch. Maxwell, I’m beginning to regret cheering you up!”
walking alongside with Wufei to the living room. He really did feel better now,
and it was much easier to smile after his friend helped him lift the heavy load
off his heart. The journey did not end here, though, it has actually just
begun, but still... he was beginning to be a little more optimistic about
things.
what you are doing to Duo by keeping this a secret from him...”
Sally’s stern eyes and harsh
words still echoed in Heero’s mind as he stood behind the counter in the
bookstore. He was standing by the cash register, a large gift box in front of
him. He was wrapping it with colorful paper, his movements hasty and automatic.
His eyes didn’t even focus on the job, glazed over with thought and worry. His
heart felt heavy after weeks – or has it been months? – of accumulated
guilt.
Duo probably suspected that
he was seeing someone. After all, Duo was anyt BUT BUT stupid. Still... he
never said anything, never tried to confront him again, ever since their last
fight. It was like he was... afraid. Afraid to speak up in front of him. The
longhaired man was extra careful around him ever since the... rape; or near
rape, as far as Heero allowed himself to see it.
The young man sighed and
turned the large present around so he could fold the wrapping in that side as
well. His features were thoughtful and upset as he took a deep breath and
continued working.
Duo was way past being
careful. He just avoided him all together. Heero couldn’t help but wonder where
Duo was going when he was out of the house, which has been happening quite a
lot lately. Each time Heero gathered the nerve to come home and break the news
about Sarah; the young man was nowhere to be found.
Could it be that he was angry
with him? Has he given up on their friendship... or whatever their undefined
relationship was? Could it be that he had done something SO wrong, that he was
about to lose Duo? The thought frightened him to the core. He shuddered at the
mere possibility that Duo didn’t want him around anymore. He would rather die
then have that happen. And yet... he was the one who brought this upon himself.
He was the one responsible for this terrible situation. He was the one
who pushed Duo away. Not the other way around!
“Anything for me?” Sarah’s
amused voice came to his ears, and Heero jumped up, startled. He shook his head
slightly and looked up, blinking. He smiled sheepishly as he saw her standing
in front of him, holding a few books. He eyed the large present and then looked
up at Sarah again. He sighed and his shoulders slumped.
“As a matter of fact... yes.”
He muttered bitterly, taking the large gift and placing it down behind the
counter. “It was supposed to be a surprise, and you were supposed
to be in class so I could prepare it for you.” He spoke in mock-stern, eyeing
her with a half-hearted glare.
Sarah let out a small laugh,
her green eyencinncing with amusement. “Class got canceled and I thought that
I’ll come down here to see you.” She explained with a smile, and then suddenly
raised and eyebrow. “Or would you rather that I leave and let you spend some
more quality time with my present?”
Heero didn’t seem impressed
by her little game. He rolled his eyes and folded his hands over his chest.
“Keep talking like that and you won’t get your surprise after dinner.”
“Oh?” She let out, raising
another eyebrow. “You’re making me dinner? Hmm... dinner and a present,
I feel so special. What’s the occasion?”
Letting his stern mask off,
Heero shrugged and smiled faintly. “Nothing special. Just felt like it.”
“Right...” Sarah muttered,
still suspicious. “It’s not some sort of important date... is it?” She asked,
just to make sure.
Heero chuckled and shook his
head. “Not unless you celebrate the Hindu’s Day Of The Cow.”
“Very funny, smartass.” She
said in slight annoyance, rolling her eyes. She then sighed and placed her
books on the countertop. “While you’re busy worshiping the mighty cow, would
you please take a few minutes to return these books?”
Heero snorted and shook his
head. “I let you borrow them for a week and now you bring them back only a...”
He looked down at the date on his wristwatch. “A month later.” He finished,
sending her a scornful look.
Sarah offered an apologetic
glance, batting her eyes innocently until he finally broke down and let out a
chuckle.
“Fine, fine, I’ll make sure
Riley won’t hear about it. But I’d better put them back on the shelves before
she’ll have a fit...” He muttered with half a smile, picking up the pile of
books and rounding the ter.ter. “I’ll be right back.”
Sarah waved a small goodbye,
looking at him with shining green eyes.
“Hey baby, wussup?” A sly
voice came from behind her and Sarah turned around only to meet a cocky smile
and a naughty gaze. She rolled her eyes and turned back to face the
bookshelves.
“Go away, jerk.” She spat,
waving a dismissive hand in his direction. “Go try reading a book or something.
I think that the children department is on aisle six.”
The young man who was
standing behind her smirked. “A feisty one aren’t ya? You’ve been coming here a
lot lately... I heard you were the retard’s girlfriend...” The sly man
continued mockingly. A few giggles were heard from behind him and Sarah assumed
that his usual entourage
was escorting the idiotic fret boy.
Sarah tensed and a low growl
escaped her lips. She turned around, her green eyes glaring at him with hate.
“The only ‘retard’ I see here is the hair-gel storehouse I see in front of me!”
She snapped, her voice leaking with menace. “Why won’t you back to your crack
house where you belong? Leave Heero and me alone!”
The bully, Stephan, snorted.
“Ch! Now why would a lovely gal like you would want to hang out with a retard
while she can be with us?” He asked deviously, looking down at her with mocking
eyes. “I’ll give ya a much better fuck than he does, that’s for sure!” He
laughed and his friends laughed with him. “I bet them retard dun even know
where his thing’s suppose ta go!”
She didn’t even let him
finish his fit of laughter, and immediately slapped him hard on the cheek.
“Fuck you!”
“Well- yeah!” Stephan shot
back, reaching two arms towards her and grabbing her by her waist.
Sarah tensed and struggled in
his hold. “Lemme go you pervert! Let! Me! Go!”
“Hey!” Heero’s angry voice
came from behind them and Stephan froze in his place. An evil smirk slowly
spread on his bratty features. “Well looky here... you finally decided to show
up, huh retard?”
“Get. Out.” Heero growled,
glaring at him with all his might. “Leave Sarah alone and get the Hell out!”
The smirk was still there,
mocking and taunting him. “Oh yeah? And what if I dun feel like it, huh?
Whatchya gonna do then, huh?” Stephan sneered at him, tightening his hold
around Sarah’s wrist and pulling her closer.
“Let go, jerk!” Sarah called
out, kicking him in the knee. The bully didn’t even flinch and only spared her
a short, and mocking, glance. “Stay out of this bitch!”
“I said let go of her! NOW!”
Heero repeated angrily, taking a threatening step towards the group of bullies.
“Fine!” The bully spat and
threw Sarah aside. The young woman crashed into one of the large bookshelves,
falling down to the floor along with a few books.
Heero eyed her worriedly,
wanting nothing but to rush towards her, but Stephan stood in his way. Seeing
that Heero is not about to make a move, the bully advanced towards him, an evil
and taunting gleam in his eyes. “Whatcya gonna do now, huh retard?” He asked
teasingly, poking Heero with his finger. “Whatchya gonna do, huh? Are you gonna
hit me, retard? Are you gonna fight back? Huh retard? Huh? Huh? Whatchya gonna
do? HUH RETARD?” The bully kept teasing again and again, poking Heero’s
shoulder so hard that the young Japanese man was pushed back each time he was
poked.
“Are you gonna be a man and
fight me, retard? Are you gonna save yer pretty girlfriend? Or are you gonna
let me have her? Huh retard? I bet you didn’t even fuck her yet, huh retard? I
bet you don’t even know how to put it up for her, huh? I bet all you can do is
get fucked in the ass!”
That did it. Without even
thinking, without his brain even giving the command, Heero’s hand rose up, his
fist clenched so hard until his skin turned white and a loud CRACK was heard
all over the store as his fist collided with Stephan’s face. One by one his
fists rained upon the bully’s body, sending the over grown brat to the floor.
The mocking laughter of the other bullies died out as they realized that their
leader is being turned into a bloody puleeroeero didn’t stop hitting the bully
even after the young man had stopped moving. With each and every punch he let
all of his aggression, frustration, stress, guilt and confusion. His feelings
raged inside him, images of all sorts, dark, dim and burning red flashed
through his jumbled mind.
Red, violet, black and white
raced through his mind. The burning rage of crimson blood and a blazing orange
fire. The pain the Blackness brought and the hurt and guilt that came with
violet. Images flew through his mind. Being raped, being hit, being alone and
afraid. A life in a dark and empty prison... a lifetime spent in fear and hurt.
Each time they came... each time the Hands came... each time they hurt him...
each time the Bad Man crept out of the shadows... each time he was used and
tortured and raped... each time... no one came... no one helped him... no one
soothed him when he cried... no one caressed him gently and said that it will
be okay... no one came for him... no one came... The world didn’t exist for him
back then, he knew nothing of it, but now... now that he knew... now he was angry...
angry... no one came for him! No one came! No one came to chase the Bad Man
away! No one came! No one!!!!!
After red and black flickered
like lightning in his mind, came the violet. Duo came. He came for him. He
chased the Hands away. He showed him a world. He brought the Whiteness... Only
to take it away again! More Blackness! More Hands! More pain and more hurt!
Betrayal! Sadness! Comfort! Pain! Sorrow! Happiness! Guilt! Love! Hate! Anger!
Laughter! Fear! Darkness! Brightness! Pain! Again and again! All these
feelings! All these things he never knew! The betrayal! The hurt! The Hands
that Duo brought upon him! More of the Hands! More of them coming! He had to
chase them away! Fight them off! He had to fight them off! He will not be weak!
He will not give up! Not anymore! He will fight! Fight! Fight the Hands! Fight
them off! Hurt them back! Hurt them like they hurt him! Hurt them so bad that
they will never come back! Not ever!
More colors were added to his
mixture of rage, desperation, hate, fear and stress. His fists didn’t cease
from coming. His eyes were blind to everything but the raging display of colors
in his head, the whirlpool of emotions that spun wildly inside him. His head
was aching again, a sharp ringing in his ears. He was deaf to anything but the
rush of sound, like a subway passing by, followed by the constant ringing of
its metal wheels, screeching against the metal tracks as it streaked past him,
only to come back again and again and again.
And then suddenly, between
the rushes of the crowd in the ‘mental metro-train’ spinning in his head, from
within the hazy fog of anger, hurt and hate, another sound registered. Distant
at first, but approaching him slowly, like a feather falling down towards the
ground. He tried to focus on this voice, wishing to know what it said. What it
wanted. It was calling his name...
“... eero ...op it! Stop it,
Heero.........that’s enough! Let go of him! Heero! Heero! Let go of him!”
“Don’t you ever come near me
again! Don’t you come inside me again! Don’t you ever come! I hate it! I hate
it! I hate!”
He realized that he was
shouting. His throat hurt and his voice was hoarse. He must have been shouting
for quite a while. His knuckles also throbbed in pain and his arms hurt from
the strain he put his muscles through. He staggered back, panting hard and
covered with sweat. His blue eyes were wide and glazed over with shock. He felt
a few tears sliding down his cheeks, along with salty sweat. The sound of his
heavy breathing and the racing of his heart were all he could hear.
He looked up, seeing that a
large crowd of spectators surrounded him. People from all over the store and
probably the street were looking at him with fear, shock and apprehension. The
bullies were there as well, stunned and very pale looking. Sarah was by his
side, looking at him with large and tearful green eyes, her hand resting on his
shoulder. She was looking at him with such a sorrowful expression. Her features
were also pale and tear soaked. He wondered why she had been crying. Was it...
was it because of him..?
font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>“Oh Heero...” She let out,
stepping closer and wrapping her arms around him. Her hands were petting his
hair softly, caressing the soft chocolate strands as she ran her fingers
between his thick hairs. “Oh Heero... it’s okay... no one’s going to hurt you
like that anymore... no one is going to hurt you...”
Confused and suddenly afraid,
Heero slowly let his gaze down. The glazed-over orbs stared numbly at the still
figure on the floor, unable to register what just happened. He was sure that...
he was sure that... the Hands... not Stephan... it was the Hands... the Bad
Man’s Hands... they were on him again... about to hurt him... weren’t they?
......weren’t they?
As the sharp ringing of the
police sirens slowly approached from afar, Heero let out a quiet whimper and
sagged down against Sarah’s body. He rested his head on her shoulder and closed
his eyes, letting the tears flow again. He focused solely on her warm body and
gentle hands caressing his back, soothing him as a mother would soothe a child.
He slowly raised his hands up to hug her back, his world becoming dimmer and
dimmer as the sirens approached.
As if from afar, just before
the world faded completely away, he could feel her cool fingers on his temples,
and her worried voice ringing like a distant silver bell. “Oh no... Riley! Call
an amboulance! He’s bleeding again!!!”
* * *
Here goes nothing...
thought bitterly to himself as he exited the gym. He made his way slowly down
the staircase that led from the fitness center to the street, stopping at the
entrance of the building so he could fix the collar of his jacket, tucking his
wet hair under the warm brown leather and pulling the collar as high as he
could, to protect himself from the cold. As he walked out to the wet street, he
looked left and right, searching.
It was late at evening and
the skies were colored in pitch black. Only the street-lamps lighted the
deserted street, their light reflecting off the puddles on the road. After a
quick scan of the said road, Duo could spot a familiar figure standing across
the road. He was standing in the bus station across the road, looking tall and
handsome while wearing his long white overcoat.
Taking a deep breath, Duo
shoved his hands into his pockets and hurried to cross the road. Michael’s
amused smirk and mischievous chocolate-brown eyes greeted him.
“Going my way again?” The
young man asked smugly.
Duo rolled his eyes and took
a stand in front of the man, glaring at him and pointing an accusing finger at
him. “Listen, you wouldn’t have approached me and you wouldn’t have flirted
with me if you weren’t gay yourself!”
Michael smirked, but offered
no other response. That only managed to tick Duo’s temper even more, and he
growled, looking up at the slightly taller man with fierce violet eyes. “So let
me make one thing clear before we start- me having long hair DOES NOT mean that
I’m a bottom! Got it?!”
Again that smug look and
amused eyes. “Got it.”
“Good!” Duo exclaimed,
planting two hands on his hips. He quickly ran his eyes up and down the man’s
vigorous figure, and then turned to meet his eyes again. His features were
determined as he spoke. “So, what do you say about dinner and a movie?”
“Italian?” Michael offered,
raising an eyebrow.
“Mexican.”
“Make it French then.”
“Don’t push it cuz then
you’re paying.”
“All right, I’ll settle for
Mexican. But I get to pick the movie.”
It was Duo’s turn to smirk.
“Good. So... I’ll pick you up from here tomorrow at, uh, eight?”
“Make it nine.”
“Nine it is.” Duo confirmed
with a curt nod, preparing to walk away.
He turned around again,
raising an eyebrow. “Yeah?”
This time there was a real
smile on Michael’s face, and a tenderer look in his eyes.
For some reason, Duo fond
himself smiling back. “I’ll think about it.” He said softly, and then walked
away, crossing the road. His heart was beating frantically and he could not
believe himself for doing what he just did. It was just like back then...
during the war... so simple and easy going... He wondered how he could have
ever forgot doing such things. It felt so good to know that he could still act
like his old self, determined and careless in some way. It was the first time
in weeks that Duo actually felt good about himself. He just hoped that Michael
would be able to make him feel even better.
* * *
After a short check up by the
paramedics, Heero was taken into custody. They said that he was fine, and that
the bleeding must have been caused by the stress and his shaken mental state. Fortunately
for Heero, no charges were pressed against him. That was thanks to Sarah who
threatened Stephan’s parents that she will tell all about Stephan’s misdoings
and thus ruin his parents’ good name.
He only spent about two hours or so behind bars, for Stephan’s father
was more than willing to pay the bail money. He even offered to pay for the cab
Sarah and Heero boarded. Sarah refused though, slamming the cab’s door in the
man’s face.
Heero was quiet the whole
ride. In fact, he didn’t speak a word since he collapsed at the store. He
appeared to be in shock, his eyes glazed over and unfocused, staring into
nothing. He only moved if Sarah guided him, and even then his movements were
stiff and slow. It took her forever to guide him up the stairs and into her
apartment. It was late at night and everything was dark. The only light was the
one shining from the large aquarium, casting a blue hue over the couple as they
sled led towards the bedroom. There, Sarah sat Heero down on her bed and made
her way into the bathroom. Returning with a bowl full of warm water and a soft
cloth, she sat down beside him and turned him around so they were facing each
other.
“I’m just going to clean you
up.” She whispered carefully, slowly reaching her hand for his and squeezing it
lightly. His features were still damp with sweat and clotted blood was staining
esideside of his head, like a fossilized waterfall. Sarah soaked the cloth in the warm
water and then reached carefully towards one bloody spot. “This might hurt a
little.” She spoke softly, keeping eye contact with him, trying to make him
feel secure. His glazed eyes stared into hers, and then he blinked, as if
suddenly realizing that she was there. Sarah smiled gently at him, her eyes
shining with warmth. “It’s okay.” She soothed him with a soft voice. “You’re
home.”
Again his deep blue eyes
blinked and turned to look around, as if searching for something. Or someone.
She could hear him sigh heavily and then cast his gaze down again.
They spent the next few
minutes in silence, sitting quietly in the dimly lit room. The only light in
the room came from the bathroom, pouring out the bathroom door and onto the
bed. The fuzzy noise of the night traffic was filtered through the closed
window, sounding like the distant low murmur of the ocean.
Sarah reached two hands to help Heero take his shirt off.
He obeyed silently and when she threw the shirt aside, his arms fell down
lifelessly, merely dangling at each side of his body. She began washing his
chest gently, running the cloth over smooth planes of muscles, washing away the
sweat that trickled down his bronze skin. He was running a fever, or so she
figured, for his body radiated heat and didn’t cease sweating. Her movements
were careful and gentle, each touch soft as a feather. She worked slowly,
soaking the cloth with water and then turning to trace it over his golden skin.
The fair skin seemed to be richer in color and almost exotic under the dim
light that came from the bathroom, some light reflecting off the warm droplets
of water that slid down his chest. She reached down to trace one droplet with
her finger, making Heero’s breathing falter. She traced her finger up and down
his torso, feeling his stomach muscles falter as well.
His hand reached for hers, stopping her as she was about
to caress him some more. She looked up into his eyes, her gaze calm and
patient. If he wanted her to stop touching him, she will. But the look in his
eyes suggested otherwise. His blue eyes were looking down at her calmly, deep
blue oceans covered by a mist of lust. His features were still and composed as
he looked into her eyes for the longest of time.
“I want to make love to you.”
He finally whispered, now looking at her with a fierce gaze, his features
covered with resolve.
Her features showed no sign
of surprise, but her lips curved slightly upwards. She could feel his hold on
her hand tighten, as he leaned carefully towards her.
“Will that... will that be
okay?” He asked carefully, his voice suddenly trembling.
Slowly, she raised her eyes
up to meet his. There was something very calm and soothing within the green
forest, and she smiled at him softly, her light shining under the dim light.
“Yes Heero. That will be just fine.” She answered calmly, with slight amusement
in her voice. “There’s no need to ask.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
He hurried to say, his eyes holding a hint of panic in them.
Sarah’s smile grew and she
caressed his features with the cloth. “You won’t.” She whispered, running the
warm cloth up and down his handsome face, tracing his lips and then sliding
down to his jaw. As she reached down to his neck, the cloth slipped and only
the warm and gentle touch of her fingers remained, touching him with feather
like caresses. Her fingertips danced over his smooth and warm skin, caressing
his neck and then slowly sliding down ts mus muscular chest.
Taking a deep, faltering
breath, Heero slowly closed his eyes, absorbing the feeling of her hands
against his skin. Twerewere sitting opposite of each other, looking into the
other’s eyes. The young woman merely sat there, waiting for his move. She too
was slightly panting, her face flushed. He examined the way the light touched
her long black hair, his eyes lingering to the sight of her full-red lips,
slightly parted as she breathed. He bent down and kissed her, gently at first,
merely tasting her with his lips. He felt her leaning towards him, and then
slowly traced her lush lips with his tongue, wetting them before he wrapped his
arms around her and pulled her into a deep kiss.
Their chests collided with
one another, as their breathing grew harsher, kissing and touching each other
all over. His hands worked desperately to rid her of her buttoned-up shirt,
nearly ripping the blouse off her when he couldn’t open the last few buttons.
Their lips and tongues never parted and their bodies only came closer as they
kissed. Heero’s hands roamed over the smooth planes of her back, his fingers
tangled around her bra in an attempt to lift that barrier as well.
He lost control over his body
when all barriers were finally lifted. He didn’t remember when he managed to
lose his pants, but when he felt his burning need rub against her white thighs
he really didn’t care. His mind was not his anymore, controlled by lust and
feeling only. He indulged himself in tasting every inch of her, drinking her
moans and being engulfed by her touch. Her hands caressed him and touched him
gently, guiding him from time to time when he was suddenly lost. He did not
fear her touch and he only asked for more, drowning himself inside her, in her
warmth, her feeling, her love.
Now he knew... he knew what
it was like... what it was supposed to be like... This was it. This he could
understand. This he could define. Now he could define what this feeling is.
What it was supposed to feel like. He not not confused as he was before. He was
certain. He was certain that he knew. He knew her heat, her passion, her
devotion, her trust, her understanding and her love. Her pure white,
tingly-warm, bright and unconditional love.
* * *
Once again he was falling
into Darkness. Like a fallen angel he descended down quickly, hollering winds
and freezing whirlpools toying with his body as he fell. They swung him from
side to side, up and down, turning him upside down and then spinning him
around. He felt dizzy and nauseous, and then suddenly, the winds disappeared
and he was standing frozen in mid-air. Floating between an invisible ground and
an endless dark sky, his body stood rigid and motionless. He wasn’t even
breathing, and he was unable to move. His eyes were wide open, a fearful gleam
in the dark blue depths, but since there was no light in the Void, he d sed see
nothing but blackness.
The only sound in the Void
was the loud beatings of his heart. It pumped warm blood through his nude body,
but still he felt cold as if he was made of ice.
A second sound joined his
heartbeats, and he let out a choked whimper, unable to open his mouth enough to
cry out loudly. He knew that sound, that awful clicking and clacking of the
Hands as they crept out of the shadows and crawled like varmints towards him.
He began to panic, panting loudly so that each breath echoed within the black
Void. The hands came closer and closer, clicking and clacking as their cold
fingers tapped over the cool, metal-like, black floor.
His every muscle tensed and
he whimpered in distress as he felt those hands creep up his legs, their touch
cold and nauseating
as they climbed up his naked body. It felt like a million and one insects were
crawling up his body, under his skin and moving into his blood stream. He was
choking out small sobs, helpless and afraid as they covered him completely,
leaving only his mouth and eyes uncovered.
His mouth hung wide open, sucking in quick and shallow
breaths, trying with all his might to call for help.
“D—D—Duo!” His hoarse and desperate voice ripped through
the silence of the Void. “DUO!!!!!!”
Only the echoing sound of his cry was there to answer him.
Tears filled his eyes and leaked down his cheeks, as a million more little
hands closed in on him, toying with his flesh and ripping his body into pieces.
“SARAH!” He cried out in terror and agony, his voice
distressed and pleading. “S-S-S-SARAH!!!! HELP!!!!!!”
A hand appeared in front of him. Black, foul-smelling and
dripping black slimy gore. It hovered in front of his head, knuckles and joints
clicking and clacking as its fingers moved.
Heero fell silent, rendered speechless with fear and
horror. The Black Hand waited for merely a few short seconds before charging
forward and plunging forcefully into his open mouth.
Unable to scream, Heero let out suffocated cries of pain,
tears flooding his eyes as he felt the Hand plunge deeper and deeper into him,
tearing his inner flesh which stood in its path. He could feel the great agony
and flares of pain that crashed over him like a thousand tidal waves, blood
flooding him from the inside, its level rising more and more as the Hand
continued downwards. His throat was flooded and then his mouth, the thick red
liquid sipping out from between the cracks left by the endless arm that was
shoved past his cracked lips and down his throat.
After breaking his ribs and tearing his lungs, the Hand
made a swift turn to the left and grabbed his heart. His mouth opened even more
in a futile attempt to scream, but since the Hand also tore his vocal cords, it
was useless. All he had left to do was to weep silently as his heart was
clenched tightly within the Hand’s claws. Without warning, the Hand ripped his
heart out of its place and pulled out of him quickly, his heart clutched
between its sharps fingernails.
Blood was pouring out of his mouth like water from a
fountain. It cascaded to the floor like a waterfall, pooling underneath him in
a sea of dark crimson. His deep blue eyes were dull and wide, staring
unbelieving at the pulsing organ that was held in front of him. His own heart,
beating loudly in the Darkness.
He could feel his life begin
to sip away, slowly fading... taking the pain away...
Numbly, his mind registered
the distant sight of another pair of Hands, which was merely a white little
spot in the distance. As his eyelids began to flutter and slowly close, he
could vaguely see the Hands come closer, their white aura blinding him with its
intensity. The minute they touched the Black Hand, it disappeared.
Some flicker of consciousness
returned to his dying mind and he blinked, now registering the sight of his own
heart falling down, as if in slow motion, to the black floor.
Before the organ crashed
down, the White Hands caught it. They held it gently, carefully, and slowly
brought it up to him, as if offering it as a gift. He stared down numbly at his
heart, watching his red life-blood stain the beautifully pure whiteness of the
Hands. The bloodstained Hands moved gracefully towards him, cupping his heart
gently, approaching his chest.
Only now he noted that the
millions of Hands were gone and no longer plaguing his body. The White Hands
carefully approached him and then, without any pain or torment, they went
through his body. They melted against his flesh, leaving only a warm and
tickling feeling instead of pain and blood. They placed his heart back in place
and then slowly retreated.
A warm feeling spread through
him as once again he could feel that familiar rhythm beating in his chest,
pumping warm blood through his veins. He smiled, and the White Hands caressed
his face gently. He leaned into their soft caress, closing his eyes in bliss.
The Black Void was no more,
and only the purest white light remained. Finally, peace was upon him, and the
Darkness turned to Light.
* * *
He woke up to find himself
looking into a pair of shining green eyes, looking at him lovingly. Sarah was
smiling at him, watching him sleep. When she saw he was awake, she reached a
gentle hand up, pushing a few bangs out of his eyes. Her eyes shimmered
lovingly as she caressed his forehead with feather-like touches, indulging in
the feeling of his smooth skin against the tip of her fingers. His chocolate
brown hair was shining under the soft morning light, and the golden hue of his
skin seemed richer and radiant with lusty afterglow.
Heero smiled and closed his
eyes, leaning into her caress. He loved the feeling of her delicate hands
against his skin. They were warm and gentle, treating him like a precious thing.
He cherished the feeling her hands gave him. No one else could make him feel
that way. He was in love with her hands, their touch, their sight, their smell
and their caresses.
“Good morning.” Sarah
whispered huskily, smiling at him as her eyes sparkled under the soft morning
light. Sheets rustled as she pushed her nude body closer to his. She pressed
herself against his warm body, warm skin against warm skin. She smiled as he
wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, sheets tangling around
them. He bent down to kiss the top of her head, slowly trailing his lips down
to her earlobe and then finally settling for nibbling at her neck.
She sighed in bliss and
closed her eyes, lips parting as she thrust her head back against the pillow. More
sheets rustled as he rose up a little, pulling her close so he could kiss her
deeply. She could feel the mattress move and sink beneath her as he carefully
settled himself above her, deepening their kiss. The white sheet that was
wrapped loosely around him slid down as he settled above her, exposing his bare
back, smooth and muscular. He nibbled at her lips and then snuck his hot tongue
inside her mouth, drinking and tasting her like honey. Her hands were all over
him, moving up and down his back in sensuousness motions. She smiled against
his lips as he moaned into her mouth, responding to her caresses by pressing
himself closer to her, rocking gently against her.
Again he shifted, moving his
long legs so he could straddle her thigh. The white sheet that partly covered
them both tangled around his long legs, and while still kissing her, he tried
to use his legs to push the nuisance away. However, he was so concentrated on
the kiss, being so engrossed by the movement of their hands against each other,
that he accidentally poked her roughly with his leg, while trying to free
himself of the sheet. His kneecap collided with her hips and Sarah jumped up
with a short gasp of pain, sucking the air out of his mouth.
retreated, pulling back and away from her. His cobalt eyes fearful and
apologetic, he crawled backwards on the bed, grabbing a handful of the white
covers and covering himself. He settled on his knees, looking at he wretchedly.
“I’m sorry!” He breathed out
frantically, his deep blue eyes stinging with tears. “Goodness, Sarah, I’m so
sorry!”
Sarah chuckled. “Heero, calm
down, please!” She let out in amusement, pushing herself up so she was sitting
in front of him. The blanket that covered a small portion of her body now slid
off completely, leaving her nude body to be washed in soft sunshine. “Don’t
worry so much.” She pleaded him, pulling herself closer to him.
“I didn’t mean to hurt
you...” He mumbled, his voice faltering.
She sighed and wrapped her
arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace. She placed a gentle hand on
the back of his head, and carefully guided him to rest his head on her
shoulder. “Shhh...” She soothed him gently, stroking his thick brown hair in
slow and tender motions. “You did nothing wrong. It didn’t really hurt that
much. Just a silly jab...”
Heero didn’t answer and
merely took a deep breath, trying to calm down. They remained kneeling on the
bed for a while, embraced tightly in each other’s arms, until Heero withdrew
and turned to look her in the eye. His gaze was hesitant and timid.
“...did it... I, uh... I
didn’t... hurt you... did I?” He asked fearfully, his voice filled with
uncertainty.
It took her a while to
realize what he was talking about, and when she did, she smiled kindly at him
and shook her head. “No, Heero. You didn’t.” She reached up and caressed his
cheek gently. “It doesn’t hurt, Heero.” She chuckled and shrugged. “Well...
maybe a little, the first time."
Heero's lips lifted up in a
small smile. He looked at her lengthily, until finally gathering the nerve to
ask. “Whe-when was your first time?”
Sarah let out a small laugh
and plopped down on the bed, using two arms to support herself as she leaned
back in a casual sitting position. Heero did the same, sitting down more
comfortably on the bed, his eyes not leaving the sight of her creamy skin
washed by the early morning sunshine.
“Uh... let me see now...”
Sarah began with an amused tone, her eyes also sparkling with amusement. “... I
was a stupid little girl at the age of sixteen...” She chuckled and rolled her
eyes. “Billy Crooks, the crush of my life. The jerk dumped me right after he
got him some.”
Eyes serious, Heero bowed his
head down sorrowfully. “......I’m sorry.”
Again she chuckled. “Well,
I’m not!” She reached down for the blanket and pulled it up, wrapping it around
her body. She sighed and leaned back against her pillow. Her green eyes were
thoughtful and serious all of a sudden. “Most of the guys in my life were like
that... all they cared about was sex.” She turned to him and smiled. “But
you... you’re different.”
Another sad smile touched
Heero’s lips. He bowed his head, looking down at his fingers as they made small
circles on the rumpled sheets. “...I’m not like everybolse.lse... ka?” He let
out sadly.
Silence fell. Sarah was
looking at Heero carefully as the young man stared numbly down at his hands.
Sheets rustled as she pushed herself up again. The mattress shifted as she
crawled towards him, and gently took his hand in hers. She turned to look at
him, but he didn’t look up from the bed. Her other hand rose up and gently
cupped his chin. She pulled his head up carefully so they were looking eye to
eye. She let herself drown in the deep blue of her eyes for some time, until
she finally whispered:
“No. You’re far better than
everybody else.”
The smile returned to his
features, and this time there was not a trace of sadness in his smile. A light
blush covered his cheeks and he bowed his head down slightly, embarrassed. He
took a deep breath and then slowly looked up at her again.
“I... enjoyed... what we did
tonight.”
Sarah smiled, caressing his
face tenderly.
He sighed and shifted
uncomfortably. “I’m just... I’m sorry that I’m not as good as others probably
were. I didn’t have much practice, so, I, uh...”
A small burst of laughter
escaped her lips and she slapped him lightly on the head. “Oh Heero! You’re so
God damn honest!”
His blushing turned a few
shades redder and a sheepish smile crept up his lips.
Her laughter quicklymed
med
and she turned to look him seriously in the eye. “Stop doubting yourself all
the time.” She spoke earnestly, taking his hand and squeezing it tightly. “You
were wonderful. YOU’RE wonderful!” She exclaimed, her eyes filling with
tears. “Goodness, I can’t even begin to imagine what I ever did to deserve you,
Heero! You’re so good to me, so honest and so loving, I never felt this way
before... I really don’t know what are you doing hanging around a gal like
me...”
Smiling sheepishly, Heero
lifted his gaze up and inched closer to her. Still smiling, he raised his hands
up and hugged her tightly. He then leaned down and kissed her softly on the
lips. Pulling back, he looked down at her with shining blue eyes. “You smiled
at me.”
Sarah frowned, puzzled.
He leaned down for another
kiss. He looked at her tenderly and reached up to push some long stings of
ebony hair out of her delicate uresures. “...in my dream,” He continued, “You
smiled at me...” He took both her hands in his and brought them between them,
pressing her soft palms against his heart. “You held my hand in yours...
gently...” He bent down and kissed her hands, placing his lips on each long
digit, one at a time. “Your hands came to me...” He whispered tenderly between
kissing. “...driving the pain away...” He straightened up and looked up at her,
his eyes warm and loving. He smiled. “...you drove away the Darkness...”
Thought tearful, Sarah smiled
back. She sniffled and wiped the tears away, then launched at him with a tight
hug. His arms were around her in a second, his lips on hers in a flash. They
kissed passionately, Heero guiding her back down to the bed so they were both
lying down. She lay on her back and he settled on top of her, letting his lips
and his hands express his love to her.
* * *
Sighing heavily, Duo stuffed
a pile of clothes into the washing machine and then turned back to the basket
full of dirty laundry, picking up the next batch of clothes. It was a hot and
moist afternoon, the temperatures high and the air full of
air-conditioning never reached the laundry room in their apartment, and thus
Duo was sweating. He reached up to wipe away a few sweaty bangs that were
plastered to his forehead and then went back to work.
Heero was ing ing in his room, between two large piles of
books and a computer, studying for one of his exams. This was the first time in
many weeks that the two of them were together in the apartment, though it was
hard to tell because they were two rooms and a kitchen apart. They had h
th
together but still, the atmosphere was so cold between them that it seemed like
they were invisible to each other’s eyes. They each prepared their own food,
ate in their own side of the table, cleared their plates and went on with their
daily business. Duo thought about trying to speak with Heero, but nothing came
up. He suspected that Heero wanted to say something as well, but he too kept
silent.
He thought about telling Heero about Michael, but then
thought better of it. Heero was probably not interested in hearing about Duo’s
boyfriend, or rather the
person-he-has-been-dating-for-the-last-few-weeks-but-haven’t-quite-done-anything-with-him-yet.
And besides, it’s not like Heero’s been telling him about his doings in the
past few weeks (make it months) so why should he tell him anything?
And so, Duo stayed in his little corner of the house,
doing laundry, while Heero closed himself in his room and studied. A heavy
silence permeated around the small apartment, thick and almost solid until it was
too heavy to bear. Duo found himself humming to himself, just to break the
heavy silence that loomed over the house. He was making up the melody as he
went along, but he didn’t care. As long as something broke the silence.
He picked up a worn-out pair of blue jeans. He immediately
recognized it as Heero’s jeans, for it was a smaller size than his. As he did
with any pair of pants, he began searching the pockets before he threw it to
the washing machine. Usually he didn’t find anything, but now his fingers
stumbled upon something. A little plastic bag. He pulled it out to have a look
and then froze, eyes wide and mouth gaping.
It was a condom. A rough surfaced, strawberry flavored
pink condom! In Heero’s jeans pocket!
In. Heero’s. Jeans. Pocket. In his jeans. Heero’s jeans. Heero’s
pocket. Heero’s condom... Heero’s... lover... Heero had a lover. He had a
lover. Heero’s lover... Not him... not him... he’s not his lover... Heero
already had a lover... a female lover... not a boy... a girl... Heero’s girl...
His head was spinning. He was so dizzy that he had to
reach for the washing machine for support. His throat turned dry and his
breathing shortened. He felt like he was having a heart attack.
But was he really THAT stupid!? He must have seen it
coming... he must have! All the signs were there! Right in front of his eyes.
Right under his nose...
Or was it that it was simply easier to ignore the obvious?
All this time he was simply refusing to believe! It was so obvious and it was
right in front of his eyes! He knew that Heero was dating someone! He knew that
this is why Heero was rarely home! It was so obvious that you had to be EXTREMELY
stupid not to notice! And yet... and yet he did his best to shut it out of his
mind... to shove it away... ignoring it... He knew that Heero wasn’t gay! He
saw how he responded to women! How he was reluctant to touch ANY man! But he
ignored it! He kept feeding himself with false hopes! He shoved Michael away
and rejected his touches just so he could somehow believe... somehow convince
himself that he hadn’t given up yet. That there was still hope. That Heero
could still be his... somehow...
But now, standing here with this mocking evidence in his
hand... looking at him with such mockery and contempt... as if it hid inside
Heero’s pocket, waiting to be found by him. Waiting to scream the awful truth
in his face!
End of fantasy! It ends here! Welcome to real life!
A life without Heero...
Within a second he was at Heero’s door. Without even
knocking he stepped in, his steps harsh against the floor. Heero was hunched
over his books, marking a paragraph with a marker, when suddenly something was
thrown over his book. It took him a few seconds to realize what it was. Gasping
quietly, he blinked and hurried to look up.
Duo was towering above him, an angry look in his eyes. He
was glaring down at the condom he had thrown and then turned back to glare at
Heero.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Heero remained silent, merely looking up at Duo. His hands
were resting in his lap, his fists clenched but otherwise he showed no sign of
being fazed.
“When were you going to tell
me?! When you’re forty years old with three kids and a mortgage?!” Duo shouted,
angry by Heero’s lack of response. The young Japanese man remained silent, his
head bowed and his gaze at the floor. This only managed to tick Duo even more.
His violet eyes burned with anger and betrayal as he barked his next question.
“For how long has it been going on, huh? For how long have you been lying to me
Heero!?”
Seemingly lost for a moment,
it took Heero some time to find his voice again. He looked up at the angry man,
an apologetic look in his eyes. “......six months.”
“YOU FUCKING INGRATE!” Duo
burst with a loud shout, his voice hoarse and choked with tears. His hair was
flying all around him and his eyes were large and tearful as he shouted all
that lay in his heart. “What about me, huh?! What about the one who’s always
been there for you?! The one who wiped your ass and dried your tears?! What
about me?!”
Suddenly determined, Heero’s
features were now stern as he looked up at Duo with a matching glare. “Her name
is Sarah, Duo, and I love her.”
“WHY HER AND NOT ME!? WHY THE
HECK NOT!? WHY IS SHE ANY BETTER?!” The longhaired man cried out desperately,
his voice on the verge of hysteria.
Slowly getting up to his
feet, Heero locked his gaze with Duo’s, his blue eyes stern and dead serious.
“I lover her, Duo. Her. Not you, her.”
Duo fell silent, his chest
moving up and down as he breathed heavily. The air in the small bedroom was
tense and full of malice. They stood facing each other, bodies tense and fists
clenched. They glared at each other, as if challenging one another to make the
first move. They were like standing on the edge of a black chasm. One more step
and they will both fall into the darkness.
Duo was the first to move. He
launched at Heero, grabbing him forcefully by his arms and then pulled him
roughly towards him. Their lips crashed and their heads bumped against each
other. He could feel Heero tense and stiffen like a fear-stricken animal. As
the moments ticked by and their lips didn’t part, Duo could feel Heero begin to
tremble. His hold on the smaller man was nearly bone-crushing, crushing his
arms for he was holding him so tight. The Japanese man was unresponsive as
Duo’s lips remained glued to his, warm breath entering Heero’s mouth as it
brush past his lips. Though both their lips were wet with saliva, Duo could not
feel Heero’s breath upon his lips. The dark-haired man was in a state of shock
and was not breathing.
Panicked, Duo pulled away
from the desperate and forceful kiss, looking up at Heero with wide and fearful
eyes. He was panting from the kiss, standing still and waiting for Heero’s
response. But the young man was standing as still as a rock, his features numb
and his gaze fixed at where Duo’s lips once met his.
A few endless moments of
silence stretched between them until Heero’s eyelids suddenly flickered and he
slowly turned his gaze up at Duo. The longhaired man opened his mouth in order
to try and say something, anything, but he didn’t have the chance. Heero’s fist
rose up and then hit him square in the face.
“YOU BASTARD!” Heero barked
at him, his voice reeking of anger and contempt. “YOU FUCKING BASTARD!”
Holding his throbbing
cheek/nose, Duo blinked a few tears away and turned to look at the man who
punched him. “Heero...” He began, wanting to apologize, but the look in Heero’s
eyes rendered him speechless. The young man was looking at him with pure hatred
and disgust.
It took him a moment to
gather his wits again, feelings boiling up inside of him. His body was
trembling ever so slightly, his breath harsh and his eyes watering once again.
He resembled a rattling pot as it reached its boiling point, until he finally
broke down, bursting at Heero with a finale cry of hurt and anger. “FUCK YOU-
HEERO! FUCK! YOU!!!!” He screamed and stormed out of the room, running out of
the apartment so Heero won’t have the chance to see his tears.
As the apartment’s door
slammed shut with a loud BANG! Heero stomped his foot on the floor and
screamed: “YOU WISH – YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!!!!!!!”
With tears leaking down his
cheeks and the sobs threatening to come out, it wasn’t long until Heero also
stormed out of the apartment and into the streets.
* * *
“What does it say in this
picture?” Meiran’s little voice chirped as she pointed at a colorful picture in
a small storybook. She was sitting by her mother’s side, holding her book. It
was a quiet afternoon and the mother and daughter were both sitting in the
living room on the large sofa.
Sally chuckled and reached up
to pet the child’s hair. “I’m getting to it, honey. Just wait.” She said
tenderly and turned her attention back to the book. “...‘My, my!’ exclaimed the
mother duck when she saw him. ‘He certainly doesn't look like any of my other
children. I wonder how he got to be so funny-looking?’...”
“Is she talking about the
ugly duckling?” name="_ednref3" title="">[iii]
Meiran asked, looking sadly at the picture of a small and miserable little
duck.
“Yes, she is.” Sally
answered.
“Why does she think he’s
ugly? He’s cute.” Meiran asked sadly, her lips pouting. “Why is she being such
a bad mommy?”
Sally looked down at her
daughter with thoughtful blue eyes. “Well, uh... some people are just... not
very nice.”
“But she’s a mommy, she’s
supposed to be nice!” Meiran whined, clearly distressed about the whole story.
“Don’t worry, honey. It will
be all right in the end.” She soothed her, petting her small cheek.
The little girl sighed and
returned to watching the book. She eyed the little duckling with compassionate
brown eyes and smiled at him. “I don’t think you’re ugly, little duckling.” She
whispered, and behind her Sally smiled. “I think it’s okay to be like you are.”
Touched by her daughter’s
wise words, Sally leaned down to kiss her sweet black hair. She then turned the
page in the book and continued reading. “...‘He's ugly!' quacked the other
ducklings. ‘He doesn't look a bit like us. We don't want to play with him.’ And
they waddled down to the pond with their mother behind them. She shoved them in
and jumped in after them. The all swam beautifully.”
“Mommy, do you think the baby
can hear this story?” Meiran suddenly turned around and asked.
Sally smiled kindly at her.
“Yes, I think he can.”
“He won’t think that the
duckie is ugly, right?”
font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>Her mother chuckled. “Well I
don’t know honey, he can’t see him.”
“Oh.” The little girl let
out, looking at her mother’s stomach thoughtfully. She then leaned down and
whispered: “Don’t worry baby, the duckie is not really ugly. I can see his
picture and he looks all right.” She then looked up at her mother with
concerned brown eyes. “He heard me mommy, right?”
Sally nodded her head with a
smile. “Yes he did. Now lets continue this, okay?” She asked and Meiran nodded.
As she turned back to the book and prepared to continue reading, a knock was
heard on the door.
“I’ll get it!” Meiran hurried
to declare and jumped off the sofa. She ran excitedly to the door, feeling
proud for having the privilege to open it. In the meantime, Sally struggled to
push herself off the couch and waddle to the door.
“Oniichan!” Meiran called
happily as she saw who was standing behind the door. “Ne, Oniichan! We’re
reading a story, you wanna hear?”
Just then, before Heero had
the time to answer, Sally arrived to the door, leaning heavily on the
doorframe. It didn’t take long for her to recognized the distressed look in the
young man’s eyes, not did she miss how angry and upset he was. His body was
tense and his expression angry and harsh. He looked sternly at her, not even
casting a glance towards the little girl, which was highly unusual for him.
Something bad must have
happened.
Also noticing her Oniichan’s
temper, Meiran took a small step back and inched closer to her mother’s leg.
“Ne... Oniichan... are you mad?” She asked, her voice small and almost
frightful.
Sally placed a soothing hand
on her shoulder, though she didn’t take her eyes off Heero. “Honey, why won’t
you go play in you room for a while? Mommy and Oniichan need to have a talk.”
The little girl pouted. “But
I wanna hear the story!” She whined, stomping her little foot on the floor.
Sally looked at Heero again,
seeing the numb look in his ocean blue eyes. He didn’t even react to Meiran’s
whining as he usually did, with a soothing smile and a tender gaze. Something
bad happened, and she needed to find out what.
“Later, honey. We can read it
later.” She mumbled, reaching down blindly to pet her daughter’s hair, her eyes
still on the young Asian man standing at her door.
“Ooo... okay...” The little
girl muttered and stomped away, her little pigtails jumping up and down as she stomped
up the stairs and to her room.
Sally opened the door wider.
“Come in, Heero.” She said quietly, watching the young man as he walked in
without a word. “We can talk in Chang’s study.”
* * *
In the first half hour, all
Heero did was pace around the room, clearly upset but not ready to talk. Sally
settled her heavy form on the small sofa in the room, and waited quietly for
him to speak. He was making her dizzy with all his stalking around the room,
and she was about to initiate the conversation- until he finally burst.
“How can he expect me to be
gay?!” Heero raged, pacing around the study like a lion in its cage.
She blinked, startled by his
choice of words. “Who thinks you’re gay?”
“Duo! He fucking KISSED me!
He made a fuss about me and Sarah and then he fucking kissed me!” Heero spat in
disgust.
Sally nodded slowly, trying
to connect the missing pieces of information together. Heero was too upset to
be telling the whole story right now, and he spoke as if he expected her to
know it already. It didn’t take a genius to figure thins out though, and once
she did she looked up at him, her gaze serious.
“Are you homophobic, Heero?”
She asked calmly.
“What?!” He exclaimed,
whirling around to look at her with his wild blue eyes.
“Are you disgusted by homosexuals?”
She repeated.
Heero’s face flashed
confusion, then realization and he whirled around again, pacing the room once
more. “Of course not!” He finally spoke, waving his hands in the air. “But that
doesn’t mean that I have to be one! He just assumed that I was! Just
because he prefers dick over pussy doesn’t mean that I have to as well!”
“Heero! Please! There’s no
need to speak like that!” She called harshly. It was VERY unlike Heero to speak
such words, which only proved how upset he was. Why it was so rare to hear
Heero curse or talk “dirty” that she was pretty sure that she never heard him
speak like that. Whatever just happened, clearly managed to stir Heero’s anger.
“How can he expect me to be
with a man like that!?” Heero continued to pace and fume. “How can he expect
that from me?! I can’t! I just can’t! Not after--- not after all--- I just
can’t! To have someone... someone... inside me again... NO! HE CAN’T EXPECT
THAT FROM ME! IS THAT ALL HE CARES ABOUT?! FUCKING ME?! IS THAT WHY HE TOOK ME
IN?! IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR?! THAT’S WHAT I AM TO HIM?! A FUCKING SEX
TOY?!?!?! ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS SLAMMING HIMSELF INTO MY ASS! I WON’T HAVE
THAT! I WON’T!!! FUCK HIM! FUCKING FAGGOT! FUCK! HIM!!!!!”
All the while, Sally followed
him with her eyes, waiting for him to relax and let her speak. “Heero, you know
that’s not true.”
Still fuming, Heero rounded
the room like a trapped animal, until he abruptly stopped, whirled around, and
punched the wall. His knuckles throbbed, but he ignored the pain. The pain was
a good thing right now. He wouldn’t mind slamming his fist into the wall again.
Sally gasped quietly but
didn’t’ say a thing. She watched him with pain-filled eyes, waiting for him to
calm down. “That’s not what you really think, now is it?” She spoke quietly,
careful not to compel him into more violence.
Heero’s fist connected with
the wall again, and he whirled around to glare at her, his face angry and his
eyes ablaze with a fierce blue fire.
“What should I think then,
huh!? What should I be thinking!? Tell me!”
“Heero...” Sally started, her
gaze concerned. She reached up for him, her eyes shimmering. “Heero, please...”
“No - c’mon - tell me! What
would you be thinking if you were me, huh?!” He demanded, his voice hoarse from
so much shouting.
“Heero, you’re not making any
sense.” She tried again, struggling to get up so she could go to him. But being
so far into her pregnancy, she could barely push herself off the sofa. Sighing,
she slumped down again and looked at him. “If you would just calm down and
list---”
“OF COURSE I’M NOT MAKING ANY
SENSE! NOTHING DOES!” Heero roared, punching the wall with all his might. His
knuckles cracked and the wallpaper tore as if a lion just clawed it. Blood
sipped from gashes on Heero’s fists, and smeared on the smooth wallpaper. Heero
didn’t even wince, and just sagged against the wall, shoulders slumped and his
forehead pressed against the torn wallpaper. “...nothing makes sense
anymore...”
Silence fell over the small
study. Sally sat quietly on the sofa, watching Heero with concerned blue eyes.
She could hear him sniffle and see his tense muscles relax.
“You don’t really mean what
you just said.” She whispered. “Do you?”
Heero didn’t answer and kept
leaning his head against the wall, as if hiding in shame.
“You don’t really believe
that that’s all Duo needs you for, do you?”
Sniffling, Heero shook his
head slowly. “...no...” He whispered, his voice so small and timid, like a
shameful child.
Sally sighed and then smiled
weakly. She began petting her bulging stomach, looking at Heero with serious
blue eyes. “Heero, Duo loves you. You know he does... right?”
A small nod, and then:
“...yes...”
Sally’s smile grew. “And how
do you feel for him? Do you feel the same?”
This time, Heero didn’t
answer.
* * *
The sound of pounding at her
door echoed throughout Sarah’s silent apartment. Startled, the young woman
looked up from her textbooks, and frowned. When the pounding continued, she
sighed and placed her book on the coffee table, placing two sock-clad feet on
the floor. The loud knocking continued, and the young woman rolled her eyes.
“I’m coming- all right?!” she
growled, her ponytail swinging angrily back and forth as she stomped to the
door. She fuddled with the keys and then the chain securing the door, wondering
who the hell was bothering her at this hour. Whoever it was, he or she was NOT
in a happy mood.
Yanking the door open, Sarah
trained two angry green eyes on the person standing at her doorway. It was a
tall young man, about her age if not a little older. He had long chestnut hair
and he was currently looking down at her with flaming violet eyes.
Her heartbeat began to race
as she realized who it was. And she also realized that he meant business. She
felt so exposed under his harsh gaze. She was only wearing a sloppy large
sweater and a matching pair of tights, her hair a bit messy. She felt insecure
when she was like that in front of angry strangers, unable to hide behind a
mask of make up or a neat appearance that gave the illusion that she was calm
and composed.
“You’re Duo.” She finally
stated, standing in the doorway and blocking his way so he will not come in.
The angry young man nodded
curtly.
Her eyes narrowed in
suspicion. “What do you want?”
She could see him suppress
the urge to growl, or shout, and his voice were restrained when he finally
spoke. “Can we talk?”
She eyed him in distrust,
scanning him from head to toe. His hair was a mess, his clothes sloppy and by
the way he was panting, she wouldn’t be surprise if he just ran across town to
get here. There was a haunted and upset look in his bitter amethyst eyes, and
when she looked closely she could even see traces of long dried tears on the
side of his face.
Taking a small step
backwards, Sarah turned her gaze back into the young man’s eyes, and opened the
door a little wider. She gestured for him to come in.
out out a word, Duo stepped
into the small apartment, passing by her coldly.
Sarah sighed and closed the
door behind him.
“I’ll make some coffee.”
* * *
“Tell me, Heero, what do you
feel when you’re with Sarah?” Sally’s voice cut through the heavy silence in
the small study. She was still sitting on the couch, looking at Heero who had
sagged against the wall and now sat on the floor, his back pressed to the wall
and his head leaning back. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling, their gaze
distant and dull.
He took a deep breath, but
didn’t shift his eyes from the ceiling as he spoke. “When I’m with Sarah... I
feel like this bright light is shining inside me. Like I’m always smiling and
laughing inside. It’s as if my heart flies. And I can make her smile, and
laugh... I can’t get enough of it.”
Sally nodded quietly, and
then proceeded with the next question. “And what about Duo?”
Heero remained silent for a while,
as if taking time to think. At last, he sighed and bowed his head. He brought
his knees forward, hugging them while his finger fidgeted. “Duo...” He mumbled,
looking down at his feet with numb cobalt eyes. “With him I feel... safe.” He
finally murmured, his hands still fidgeting. “I feel warm... comforted and I
know that nothing can go wrong. I feel... with him I feel... like I’m home.”
A small smile touched Sally’s
lips. She gave him a few moments to sit in silence, pondering over what he just
said, and then leaned forward, eyeing him seriously. “Tell me, Heero, when
you’re with Sarah... what do you feel... physically.”
Even though the room was
dimly lit, she could see the light blush that colored his cheeks. He took a
deep breath, shifting a little as if uncomfortable. “I, uh... with Sarah I feel
like... like I want to touch her all the time...” He muffled in a small and shy
voice, not lifting his gaze off the floor. “...I want to put my arms around her
and never let go...” He chuckled bitterly, shaking his head. “And I can’t
believe that I just told you that.”
Sally smiled in slight
amusement, and slowly nodded her head. “It’s okay. You’re attracted to her.”
Now blushing furiously, Heero
nodded in response.
“And what about Duo?” Sally
carefully asked, not giving him the time to recoil back into his shell.
Heero sighed, deeply, and
pillowed his chin in his arms, which were still wrapped around his knees.
“Well... he’s very handsome, I can tell you that much.” He muttered, his gaze
distant and thoughtful. “I’m not blind nor am I stupid, but... but that’s about
it. It doesn’t go beyond this knowledge.”
“Would you say that you are
disgusted when he touches you?”
“Goodness, no!” Heero burst,
jerking his head up and turning to look at her sharply. “Of course not!” He
exclaimed, and then relaxed. He took a deep breath and bowed his head again.
“Like I said before, his touch is comfort. It’s... family.” He snorted. “Ch. As
much as I could tell from my vast experience.”
font-family:Verdana;mso-bidi-font-family:Verdana'>S smi smiled. “So there you
have it. You love them both.”
The young Japanese man made
an unpleased face, clearly unsatisfied with that answer. He sighed and looked
up at her again, his eyes pleading her for an adequate reply. “I already know
that... but which one is---”
“Heero,” Sally cut him off, raising
her hand up and signaling him to stop. He turned to look up at her, his cobalt
eyes shimmering with distress and uncertainty.
She smiled kindly at him and
continued. “There‘s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in love. You love the both of them.
It’s just that it’s a different kind of love.”
Again Heero made a sour face
and looked away.
Sally ignored that gesture
and continued. “I think you already have the answer to your dilemma. Your heart
knows what it wants. All that is left to do is help Duo understand. You have to
speak with him.”
Sighing heavily, the young
man raised his head again and looked at her with a dispirited expression.
“Yeah, and that’s the hard part...”
* * *
Walking into the young
woman’s apartment, Duo couldn’t help but notice how much of Heero’s stuff was
scattered randomly around the place. As Sarah mumbled something about making
coffee and hurried to the kitchen, Duo scanned the apartment with wide amethyst
eyes. He quickly ran his eyes over the great collection of china-dolls standing
proudly on a huge bookcase in the living room. Next to it was a large open box,
still gift-wrapped, but now the wrapping was torn. It was the same size as the
dolls themselves, and he remembered seeing that same box in Heero’s room a few
weeks ago.
He turned to examine the rest
of the apartment. The bizarre and colorful décor was not as awing as the sight
of Heero’s things lying in various places around the small flat. Heero’s books,
the notebooks that he used for his studying, one of his favorite shirts... His
sweater was lying in a small laundry basket on a chair by the dining table. On
a chair next to it, neatly folded, were a couple of his trousers, and Lord help
him, a few pairs of shorts! When Sarah opened the trashcan in order to throw an
empty carton of milk, Duo could catch a glimpse of Heero’s favorite cup of
yogurt (blueberry yogurt) lying within the garbage.
They were all clear signs
that Heero had spent quite some time in here.
The young woman sighed
quietly and turned to him, carrying two mugs of coffee. She handed him his mug
silently, and Duo winced as he realized that it was Heero’s mug, from back
home. She was giving it to him on purpose. He sighed and turned to look into
her eyes, his gaze cold and serious.
“What are you trying to
prove?” He asked coldy.
Her green eyes gleamed like a Duo sighed and broke eye “Heero was not your lover to Duo swallowed and closed his “He’s not even interested in Duo grimaced, feeling a “Everything?” Duo asked, his Her gaze chilled by a few Duo looked away. Silence “Can I ask you a question?” Finally taking a sip of her Duo sighed and lowered his The sound of the mug being Duo’s eyes widened. “No! She could see the hesitation Duo sighed, gathering the Realizing what he was talking The young man sighed in Sarah smiled kindly, reaching “Do you love him?” Duo Her hold on his hand “Duo, look at me.” Sarah’s He turned to look at her, his Her green eyes bore holes “I love him, Duo. With all my A small smile touched Duo’s “So, uh, do you like Duo sniffled once more and * * * “...by and by some children Six-year-old Meiran was Heero reached his bandaged “...‘Look!’ cried the “Of course the swan who had “But now that he was Closing the book silently, The bedroom’s door slowly Heero turned to face the new “You’ll have to go home at Heero sighed and turned away Sally nodded slowly in He smiled sadly, not taking The woman smiled and nodded He gave her a small, * * * When he arrived back home, he After a few moments of The familiar sense of guilt “You’ve been crying.” Heero Duo turned to glare at him, Heero smiled sheepishly and He sighed and turned to face Silence. Duo didn’t look up A few fat and salty droplets “You really love her, don’t There was silence at first, More silence fell. Duo sighed and shifted “She is.” Heero replied “Nah... dun be.” Duo let out, Heero didn’t respond, and Duo slowly turned to him, his “No.” Heero answered, looking Duo sighed and bowed his “Duo, stop apologizing. We Silence. “So we’re... friends?” Duo Heero sighed and turned to “I honestly can’t tell you Duo didn’t say a word, “You’re my light, Duo.” Heero Touched by Heero’s words, Duo “Shhhh...” Heero tried to They remained in their Finally puling back, Duo “Thank you, Heero.” He
knife’s blade as she returned his cold gaze. “That he’s with me.” She replied
in a matching tone of voice. “And that I’m not taking him away. Heero’s making
his own choices in life.”
contact. He sat down carefully, his hands trembling ever so slightly around the
coffee mug. He stared down at the cream-colored liquid, his own miserable
reflection staring back at him. He sighed again. “I know.”
begin with.” Sarah stated, also sitting down.
eyes sadly. “...I know.”
men.” She continued, holding her mug in both hands, but not sipping her drink.
She kept looking seriously at Duo. “After all that he’s been through, I can’t
really blame him.”
familiar ting of pain in his heart. He took a shaky breath and looked up at
her. “He told you about it?”
voice small and his expression fearful.
degrees and she nodded again.
stretched for a long while, until he spoke again. Hesitant, he looked up at
her, his eyes shining with uncertainty and pain.
drink, Sarah nodded, not taking her eyes off him.
gaze. “Is Heero a good lover?”
slammed on the tabletop echoed through the small apartment. Sarah glared at
him. “What kind of a question is THAT?!” She growled.
Don’t get me wrong! I mean... what I’m trying to ask is... I mean...”
in his eyes, and a frown formed on her delicate features. “What do you mean?”
nerve to look up at her. “I mean that... after all he’s been through... can
he... does he... I mean, he... he doesn’t have any... problems...
right?”
about, Sarah’s expression softened and she shook her head slightly. “No, Duo.
He doesn’t.”
relief. “So he’s... doing okay?” He dared to confirm, unable to look into her
eyes.
for his hand and holding it gently. She looked into he’s fearful violet eyes,
her own eyes shining with warmth. “He’s doing fine, Duo. Don’t worry.”
suddenly blurted, his eyes glistering with tears. “Cuz if you don’t... if this
is just a crush or... or if he’s just some fuck buddy to you, then... then...
I... I don’t know what I’ll do to you if you’ll hurt him.” He whispered,
looking down in shame. “Heero’s too good a person to... he’s too good to be...
He shouldn’t be used like that.”
tightened, but he still didn’t life his gaze off the floor, afraid to find out
the answer to his question.
voice spoke calmly, and she squeezed his hand a little.
gaze still unsure.
into his very soul, looking into him with an intense green fire.
heart. I really love him, and I will never dream of hurting him.”
lips, his eyes shimmering in relief. He nodded in gratitude, tears sliding down
his cheeks. He could see that she was crying as well, and they both sniffled at
the same time. That brought on a small chuckle for them both, and then Sarah
let go of his hand and reached up to wipe away her tears.
chocolate chip cookies?” She asked with a faltering voice, tears still filling
her eyes as she got up and went to the kitchen.
wiped away his own tears. He nodded his head, smiling slightly as he looked at
her. “Yeah, sure. I love ‘em.”
came down to the lake to throw breadcrumbs to the swans.”
silence of the small bedroom. He was sitting on Meiran’s bed, a small
children’s book on his lap as he was reading silently to the little girl. His
hand was bandaged, for he injured it after punching the wall so many times.
Small bloodstains were visible on the white fabric, right above his knuckles.
already fast asleep, curled inside her warm blanket. One of her hands was
wrapped around a silly and ragged plushie, and her other hand was holding
Heero’s tightly. The only light in the room was a dim orange light coming from
her bed lamp, filling the room with a warm glow and a game of shadows.
hand to turn the page in the book, wetting his lower lip before he continued
reading. He could feel Mei-chan’s hand slig twi twitch in his hold, as if the
girl would wake up soon if he will not continue. He smiled faintly and turned
his gaze away from her small features, and back to the book.
youngest. ‘There's a beautiful new white swan!’ And the other children shouted
happily, ‘Yes, he is the most beautiful one of all!’
been considered an ugly duckling was very happy. But he never became vain or
conceited. He always remembered how it felt to be despised and teased, and he
was very sorry for all the creatures who are so treated merely because they are
different from the people around them.” Heero smiled bitterly and turned
another page. He took a moment to glance at the colorful picture of the
beautiful white swan, and then returned his attention to the written words.
appreciated at last, he rustled his wings, lifted his slender neck, and sighed
happily, ‘To think that this joy should come to one who has always been
considered an ugly duckling! It's almost too good to be true’. The end.”
Heero placed it securely in his lap and turned to watch the small Chinese girl
lying in her bed. A sad little smile touched his lips as he watched her little
face, calm and content in sleep. He reached down to push a few locks of black
hairs out of her eyes, and tucked them behind her little ear. He ran his finger
gently down her cheek, caressing her softly, before he bent down and delivered
a goodnight kiss to her small forehead.
opened and a column of light poured into the small bedroom. A silhouette came
to stand in the doorway, wearing a long nightgown and a bulging round stomach.
arrival, a sad and tired look on his face.
some point.” Sally whispered quietly, careful not to work her daughter. She
rested one hand on the doorframe, as if to support her heavy frame, and the
other hand on her belly. She smiled sadly at him. “You can’t keep running
forever.”
from her. He took hold of the blanket that slid off the littirl’irl’s form
revealing her colorful pajamas. He covered Meiran tightly, raising the blanket
up to her neck. He looked down at her with shining cobalt eyes and then carefully
ran his finger over her small cheek. “...I know.”
understanding. “It’ll be okay, Heero. You’ll see.”
his eyes off Meiran’s sleeping form. He bent down to kiss her goodnight, his
lips brushing carefully against her small forehead. He then petted her hair
gently and got up. Sighing, he turned to Sally, looking at her seriously. “I
think I’ll go home now.”
in response. “I think that’s a good idea. Good luck, Heero.”
faltering smile, his eyes uncertain, and quietly left the room.
found the apartment dark and empty. There was not a single light on, or so he
thought, until he noticed a faint light coming from underneath one of the doors
in the hallway. His door. The one to led to... his bedroom.
hesitation, Heero gathered the nerve to walk in. He took a deep breath and then
opened the door. Peeking in, he could see the strange sight of his room, which
felt so alien to him all of a sudden. Duo was sitting on his double bed, his
shoulder slumped and his appearance downcast. He was holding something in his
hands, resting on his lap, and while it took Heero to recognize it, he wasn’t
surprised to find out that it was Yoshi. His little furry bear that he locked
in the closet so long ago, having no need for him anymore. But the sight of his
bear made his heart throb painfully. It was a painful reminder of better times
spent with Duo, in an age of innocence and content.
began to tug at his heart, and it took his a few more moments to actually enter
the room. When he finally did enter, Duo didn’t bother to look up and
acknowledge his presence. He continued to stare down at the little bear, his
expression miserable. Now that he was closer, Heero could see the trails of
nearly dried tears that glistered on Duo’s cheeks. He could also hear the young
man’s quiet sniffles, the only sound that filled the silence of the room.
stated dumbly, having nothing else to say, but feeling the urge to speak.
not missing the sight of Heero’s own damp cheeks. He snorted and rolled his
eyes. “Ch. So have you.”
rubbed the back of his head. “Heh, I guess I have...” He mumbled and took a few
steps into the room; he stood in the middle of the small bedroom, just looking
around. It’s been so long since he had last slept here, in his room. The one
Duo made for him... in the same apartment he shared with the young man... His
room... his bed... their apartment...
the bed. Duo was still sitting there with his shoulders slumped and his head
bowed. He was looking down at Yoshi with a distant look in his dull violet
eyes. Biting his lower lip in thought, Heero decided to come and sit next to
him. He settled himself on the bed, right next to Duo, and rubbed his sweaty
palms on his trousers.
and Heero didn’t dare to look at him. The longhaired man kept running his
fingers through the bear’s soft brown fur, and Heero fixed his stare on some
point on the wall, examining it as if it was the most interesting thing he had
ever seen.
fell onto Yoshi’s shiny fur, and Duo blinked a few times, trying to rid himself
of the tears. He swallowed hard and then took a deep breath. Without looking
up, he asked:
you?”
until Heero drew a deep breath and said: “Yes, I do.”
uncomfortably on the bed. “She... she seems like a nice girl.” He finally
managed to say.
curtly, and then sighed and shook his head. He turned to look at the man
sitting next to him. “I’m sorry, Duo.”
waving his hand half-heartedly. He shrugged and let out a heavy sigh. “It was
just a last, half-hearted attempt to hold onto something that was already
burning out.”
silence fell over the small room.
eyes shimmering as he forced himself to look into Heero’s eyes. “You hate me?”
He whispered, his voice small and uncertain.
at him with tearful cobalt eyes and a serious expression. “I’m just not in
love with you.”
head, looking down at his fidgeting fingers. “I was wrong to assume that
you’re... ya know… gay.” He mumbled, unable o meet Heero’s gaze. “It just never
occurred to me that you would be anything else. I just assumed... it was wrong
of me. I guess all you ever saw me was as a friend.”
were both at wrong. I was stupid to have avoided telling you about Sarah. I
only managed to hurt you more by doing so. I’m... I’m truly sorry, Duo. I hope
you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
asked turning to look at Heero with shimmering amethyst eyes.
take Duo’s hand. He looked into his uncertain violet eyes, his own eyes shining
with warmth. “Duo, you are so much more than just a friend. You always were.”
He whispered, seeing the tears well in Duo’s eyes. He smiled sadly and reached
his other hand to wipe those tears away.
for sure how I felt for you before,” He continued, caressing Duo’s cheek
carefully, right under his eyelashes so he could swipe the tears away. He
smiled and tightened his hold on Duo’s hand. “But I can’t imagine a life without
loving you, Duo. I’m sure that this is how I felt ever since we met.” He paused
for a moment, and sighed. “It’s just that... it’s not a romantic sort of love.
You mean so much to me, Duo, you really do. I... I don’t think that I could
ever convey this to you in mere words or actions... it’s just how I feel.” He
shrugged, offering a small smile of helplessness.
looking at him with eyes that glistered with tears. His lower lip was trembling
as if he was about to cry, but he made no sound and merely waited for Heero’s
words.
continued quietly, tears beginning to slide down his cheeks. “You’re my
everything. Nothing and no one can ever replace you.”
let out a sob/chuckle and launched at Heero with a tight hug, crying and
laughing at the same time. “Oh God, Heero... I’m so sorry... I love you! I love
you so much! It will never change! Not ever! I don’t think that I can ever stop
loving you, but... but I like you said... it’s a different kind of love... it’s
much stronger that what I felt for you before... I didn’t mean to hurt you,
Heero! Not ever! I really didn’t! I... I... I don’t’ want our love to be a
painful thing! Not ever! God, I... I am so sorry... I love you, Heero... I love
you... I love you so much... I love you...”
soothe him, running his hand through Duo’s long chestnut hair. “It’s all
right...” He whispered tenderly. “You don’t have to apologize... there’s
nothing you can do that I won’t forgive...” He brought his arms around Duo’s
trembling form and hugged him back, burying his face in his hair. He leaned
down and kissed his forehead, whispering tenderly in his ear: “Aishiteru,
Duo-chan. Zutto.” He kissed him on the cheek again and then tightened his
embrace, burring his head on Duo’s shoulder. “Don’t you ever forget that...” He
cried, unable to fight the tears any longer. “Don’t you ever EVER forget that,
Duo-chan... Not ever!” He sobbed, letting all of his turbulent emotions come
fornd pnd pour through his tears. He held Duo tightly, clinging to him as for
dear life. And in a way, he was. Duo was his life, his everything, his
one and only light.
embrace for a long while, shedding silent tears on each other’s shoulders.
Slowly, the tears dried and their sobbing calmed. They remained wrapped in each
other’s warmth, unwilling to relinquish this sweet comfort and closeness.
sniffled and wiped away his tears. He looked into Heero’s eyes and smiled, his
gaze thankful.
whispered. “For everything.”
href="#_ednref1" name="_edn1" title="">[i]
bet none of you saw the movie “Regarding Henry”, huh? It’s with Harrison
Ford... when he gets shot in the head and has to re-learn everything again...
Didn’t see it, huh? Well, that movie was one of the M.A.N.Y sources of
inspiration for this fic and so I took Sarah’s name from there. Sarah was
Harrison Ford’s (well, Henry’s) wife in the movie. Just FYI.
href="#_ednref2" name="_edn2" title="">[ii]
Strange, weird. At lease I think I found the right word for it... ^^;;
href="#_ednref3" name="_edn3" title="">[iii]
Heehee... I chose the Ugly Duckling for several reasons, but the main one was
that I read somewhere that Hans Christian Anderson was a homosexual and he
based all his stories on this theme. The Ugly Duckling is actually a metaphor
of a homosexual, who was mocked and condemned by society and in the end he
became a beautiful swan- meaning a better and happier person than everyone
else. The same thing applies to many of Anderson’s tales. Such as the Little
Mermaid- also a metaphor for a homosexuals, because Mer-people have no legs,
hence no defined gender/sexual identity. Meiran is actauly tralking about gays
and not ugly ducklings...