Tourniquet
CHapter 11
style="width: 300px; height: 100px;">Doesn't it just figure, that when
you're at your lowest of the day,
things just seem to get even worse? This stupid drug, I don't even
remember
what it's called. The point is I can't stop laughing again now.... I
suddenly
just want to be alone. I don't want anyone to see me this way. I don't
like crying in front of people, but this.... Laughing in front of them,
when I'd RATHER be crying in front of them just seems all the more
worse
to me somehow. As much as I want Duo here now so that he can hold me,
so
I can hold him and feel safe, I never want him to come back. I don't.
That
way he won't have to see me like this, keep acting like he cares for
someone
as pathetic as me.
But it's funny... Right now, right
now I feel like shoving myself in
a corner, and never coming out... It's not a new feeling, not in the
least,
but it is in the way that - that I don't want to die. It's the first
time
I've thought, 'I want to curl up in a corner' without adding 'and die'.
I hope it isn't due to this drug, because I'm not sure the end
justifies
the means at all.
"Heero." He sounds serious. Maybe
Duo has finally decided I'm not worth
the effort. I wouldn't blame him if he did, no not at all. "Just...
Fuck
them, Heero, fuck ‘em all! You don't have to let them get to you.
Quatre
and Trowa are.... Well, I don't know what the hell's going on with
them;
I don't understand any of it. But don't let them drag you down to what
they think you should be. You're more than that, Heero, you're stronger
than that. I know you are."
"No, I'm not. I’m not strong at
all." I've got tears rolling down my
face and I'm laughing, I tried to end my own life, how can you possibly
think of calling me strong? I'm weak, a weak little nothing who just
follows
you around waiting to see you smile. Don't you get it? Your world is my
world, and I've shattered it, I've crushed it all without even
trying...I’m
ruining you Duo. Get away from me while you can... get away....
"Heero, you are! You, Heero Yuy,
are stronger than you think."
No... I'm not, you just think I
am, but I've shattered your world so
much I'm sure you can't tell up from down any longer. You need to get
away
and re-build yourself. I'm only holding you down..... so just.... get
away
from me... "Get away...."
"What?"
"Just..... go... Leave me alone,
Duo. You'd be doing yourself good in
just getting as far away as you possibly can... so just.... just go,
Duo,
go." Trying to hold back new fresh tears seems so pointless, and yet I
try anyway, but how can you hold a tear when its track is already
slick,
when the dam has already been broken? You can't, it's as simple as
that,
right?
But instead of leaving, like I
thought he would, like I know he should,
he wrapped his arms around me. He's decided it's better to hug me
apparently,
and if he's right, then why can't I breathe now? "Heero, don't say
that....
If I left you, then I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I care far
too much about you to do that. Heero, I'll never leave you again, I
promise.
I promise, Heero..."
What am I supposed to say now?
Thank you? I know? Do you mean it? Why
is it that the more time I spend with people, the less I seem to know
what
I’m supposed to say?
“Heero, listen to me. No matter
what happens, I’ll always be here next
to you - not in front, not behind, but next to you. We’re equals,
Heero.
Equal. No matter how much pain you feel, no matter how hopeless you
think
things are, you can count on me to be there for you. Anything bad in
our
lives, we can just as easily turn it into motivation to make things
better
for ourselves! The world will just walk all over you if you let it,
Heero.
No one will care if someone falls, so you have to be strong, and make
them
care.”
“That makes no sense whatsoever,
Duo. How can you even think that?!
We’re not equal, not at all! You're so much stronger than me, so much
better!
I’ll never amount to anything. All my troubles will just pull me down
deeper
and deeper! You may be able to turn things to your advantage, Duo, but
I’m not that strong. I’m not that strong, Duo.” I don’t want to cry, I
don’t, and yet it’s all I can do. It feels as though I’m crying so much
I can’t think, I can’t breathe... I can’t do anything...
“No, Heero, you can! You can,
Heero..... You can....” What? No! No,
Duo, don’t cry, not you to! No!...... No..... Duo...
“What the hell is going on in
here? I thought it was just Trowa, but
Duo, you shouldn’t be messing with him! He needs to be held in strict
order!
If these drugs are going to do any good, we need to shape him up!”
“No, don’t you get it, Quatre?!!
They aren’t! These drugs AREN’T going
to do any good! They only screw him up, confuse the shit out of him!
Can’t
you see how scared he is, Quatre?!”
Shut up.... Be quiet, I don’t want
to hear this... Can’t you all just
shut up?!! “Why won’t you all just SHUT UP?!!” Grabbing my hair I
pulled
my head down into my knees, letting the tears fall freely, a giant pain
making its way to my head. All I wanted to do now was ignore the tears,
ignore the pain in my thought, my head, ignore the turning of my
stomach,
all I wanted, was to scream. “Get out. Just get OUT! The BOTH of you,
GET
OUT!”
“Heero, what do you think gives
you the ri-”
“Move, Quatre.”
“But, Duo...”
“No, he wants to be alone, he
NEEDS to be alone, can’t you see that?
What the fuck is wrong with you, Quatre? Why are you being such an ass?
Just let him be will you? He needs to rest....” Rest....? Haven’t I
rested
enough? It seemed like it’s been weeks, months even.... And yet it’s
only
been days.... So much is happening... And so fast. I just want it all
to
stop, all of it.... Please.
“Just..... stop.... please.”
You know, I only just realized,
Duo’s a rather cheesy sounding person.
How odd, with all those lame cracks in the war, all the sappy things
he’s
said to me. I mean, just his looks even, what guy walks around with a
three
foot long braid, and a deformed priest’s outfit? Well, he’s tosses that
outfit away, but the point still stands. That makes me laugh, that I
would
fall for someone so odd. I had Relena chasing after me left and right,
someone who became the queen of the world for a small time, and I chose
some street rat from L2. It figures, but I suppose it’s the one thing
in
my life I don’t regret.
But none of them understand that.
It’s as though everything I do, every
little move, it’s all wrong. All I can do is mess up, and yet most of
the
time they don’t even punish me for any of it! Even when I was captured
by OZ, instead of keeping me locked up with Wufei and Duo, they had me
fighting for them! I nearly got killed by Quatre after he made Wing
Zero.
And there was another trip all together.
Wait.... Wing ZERO.... The ZERO
system, could it have possibly... no.
No that’s impossible! Quatre couldn’t still be suffering from it, it
was
only for a small while, and we checked him, he’s fine.....
Right?
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