Patience

Patience
By Pixelgoddess

Summary - Vegeta has had his eye on Goku for years, but isn't willing to make
the first move. Will either of them bend?

This started out life as a series of one-shots, with required sentences - first
'Why did you stop?', then 'I've been waiting a long time for this' and 'You
wouldn't dare.' Now look what has happened - it's taken on a life of its own.

Pairings - oh please - I almost never write anything but Goku and Vegeta. What
do you think?
Warnings - This is me you are talking about - expect smut and angst, pretty much
in equal measure. With enough sap to thin it out. Goku/Vegeta. Sex. Kissing.
Smut. Yaoi. (Does everyone know what that means?) And now that the cat is out of
the bag - mpreg.
A disclaimer too? *sighs* Would I worry about paying my bills if I owned them?
Hell, if I owned them, there would have been more naked Saiyans, more sex, Goku
would have saved Vegeta, and the prince would have been the one to pound the
lizard to a pulp.

Chapter 11 - Devastation

Vegeta lay in the yard where he collapsed, too exhausted to even try to move. He
felt the arrival of the Namek but couldn't be bothered.

"Oh shit. Not again." He heard a hint of panic in Piccolo's voice and felt a
tiny surge of satisfaction. Panic? The Namek didn't know panic. He refused to
acknowledge his presence until the Namek crouched down beside him and put a hand
on his shoulder. "Vegeta?"

"What do you want?" he growled, opening an eye to glare at Kakarott's friend.
Some friend - where was he last night when he was needed?

"You're alright?" Piccolo asked, his face a strange purplish hue. "For a minute
I thought…"

"I'm fine," he said, smacking the Namek's hand away. "Just fucking wonderful."

"Where's Goku? We were supposed to--"

"What the hell do you care?" he spat, painfully climbing to his feet. "You were
so busy with your damn split form training - trying to copy my ki- "

"That wasn't-" Piccolo began, but he ignored the interruption.

"--that you couldn't even pay attention to what was happening to your friend.
What? Do you think you can trick him into leaving me by making yourself more
like me?"

"Don't be stupid, Vegeta. I wouldn't do that even if I could."

A thought struck him and he glared venomously at the Namek, "And if I find out
it was your fault, I swear by the gods I will kill you."

It was hard to tell with the Namek's green skin, but Vegeta swore he blanched.
Piccolo started to say something, but hesitated, obviously checking for
Kakarott's low ki. "What happened?" he asked in a low voice.

"What happened? What happened was that Kakarott almost died last night." He sat
down heavily on a nearby boulder, suddenly too tired to fight. Lack of sleep and
his mate's exhausting drain on his ki had completely sapped his energy. He
closed his eyes, remembering the long hellish minutes as he poured every erg of
his ki into his mate, pleading with him not to leave him.

When Kakarott had stopped breathing… he felt something vital being ripped out of
him even as he covered his mate's mouth with his own, forcing oxygen into his
lungs. He was torn between cursing their child then for holding onto his
precious ki, and grateful it was able to maintain enough to survive this
emergency. He ascended, pushing ki through his mate's body as a pulse, using his
own will to force his heart to beat and his lungs to fill. He completely curled
himself around Kakarott, arms and legs enfolding him, trying to ignore the
panicked voice crying 'don't leave me'. He felt a huge surge of relief when he
finally felt his mate's chest expand against him as his lungs filled on their
own and his heartbeat responded to his pulse of energy. He carefully adjusted
his ki to coincide with the beating of Kakarott's heart, not wanting to put
anymore strain on his already stressed system.

When Kakarott had finally opened his eyes, he first expressed his surprise and
delight at discovering they had been allowed to stay together in death and
wondered where they were. With his next breath he berated Vegeta for killing
himself, so disoriented he apparently believed Vegeta would voluntarily leave
his mate. And then Kakarott had noticed the tears in Vegeta's eyes. Vegeta had
wept openly then, clutching his mate tightly, too relieved to speak or convince
Kakarott they were both still alive.

He told the Namek what happened in a tired monotone, leaving out his own
emotional reaction. He did take some pleasure in being the one who finally
discovered the cause of is mate's nightmares, making a point of emphasizing that
Kakarott had told him.

"And the baby?" Piccolo asked, concerned.

"Fine," Vegeta growled. It had all happened so fast - whatever protection the
Tuffle scientists had given to the tasans' fetuses had apparently worked; the
child could survive at least a short time. It angered him - how could the
Tuffles have manipulated his race so much? While he'd never tell Kakarott - he
knew his mate would disagree - he'd give up the unborn child in an instant to
save his mate's life.

"Goku saw it?" Piccolo said alarmed, "And he almost died as a result?"

"He swears it was real - that I died - killed myself. Even now I can't convince
him it was just another nightmare."

"I knew I should have--" Piccolo looked troubled. "But how did he feel it? It
shouldn't have been possible if he's lost his ability."

"I told you - it was a dream - he imagined he felt it. And if you'd been around
like you said you'd be," he said angrily, "maybe it wouldn't have gotten so
critical."

"Get serious Vegeta. We agreed that one of us would always be available. You
were there with him. Are you trying to tell me you want me to sit in the house
with you? Follow Goku around room to room? Maybe you want me to sit in the
bedroom and monitor you during sex."

"Don't be an ass!"

Piccolo advanced angrily, towering over him. "Don't you be an ass!"

Vegeta pushed him back, "I'm getting tired of your crap."

"So is this what we're going to do to help Goku? Stand here and fight with each
other? He almost died last night. Shouldn't you be trying to find a way to keep
it from happening again?"

"It shouldn't have happened the first time!" he shouted in frustration. He took
a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "If we were mated - fully mated - he
would have known it wasn't real. Kakarott would know I would not leave him like
that."

"But you're not… Goku hasn't been able to complete the bond," Piccolo said
softly. "I'm sorry."

Vegeta felt the memory hit him full force, every instant of terror of losing
Kakarott beating at him as a painful reminder. He could barely breathe,
struggling with the grief and hopelessness washing over him, not even sure whose
he was feeling. He'd chosen this - chosen this mate. He'd known it wouldn't
always be easy, but he'd never imagined the challenges they would face. "We've
been together for nearly a year," he said tiredly. "We should have been mated by
now."

"Vegeta - almost half of that time Goku's been pregnant. It's changed him. These
nightmares…" Piccolo said thoughtfully, "I wonder if they are the symptom and
not the real problem."

Vegeta scowled, "I'd say the fact my mate is now afraid to go to sleep is a
problem."

"Is this normal for a Saiyan? Have you experienced constant dreams - nightmares
- like this?"

Vegeta stared at him. How dare the Namek ask such a question?

Piccolo must have understood his glare, because he glared right back.
"Personally, I don't give a shit about your nightmares - you probably deserve
them. I'm trying to help Goku. So if you're going to be a dick, think about who
you are really hurting."

He growled in annoyance at the Namek's logic. "Kakarott's ability to feel people
the way he does is special. Usually it only happens with a mate or a few special
companions - and then it is a conscious effort." Which was a good thing in his
case; what kind of pain would he have felt when his planet was destroyed if he
had been attached to more of the inhabitants? It was hard enough knowing the
moment his father had died - what if he had felt the death of the planet the way
Kakarott did?

"And now he feels nothing."

Vegeta shook his head.

"Does he have any other friends anymore? Anyone else to talk to?"

"He's made new ones, but he hasn't gone to see any of them for months. And I
doubt he would tell them about this anyway. If he wants someone to talk to, he's
got me. And," he scowled, "you."

Piccolo smirked at him, obviously knowing how much he hated having to admit
that, before turning serious again, "Yamcha was the last survivor of his
original circle of friends."

"What does it matter anyway?" Vegeta demanded. "He doesn't need all of those
weaklings dragging him down."

"Goku's friendships don't drag him down - they make him stronger. We should have
paid more attention to him - maybe then we would have noticed how withdrawn he's
become. It can't be good for him; it's just not normal."

"I never thought of it until yesterday," Vegeta replied. He'd never had many
friends, so he hadn't paid attention to their absence in Kakarott's life. "He's
never said anything."

"He wouldn't, would he? He wouldn't want us to worry - he never wants anyone to
worry about him." Piccolo crossed his arms and bowed his head, thinking. "When
you consider how much people talk to him, he's surprisingly secretive about
personal issues; it took years before he really opened up to me about anything
major. Hell, in your own obnoxious way you're more forthcoming than he is -
although your comments are usually accompanied by a fist." Vegeta made a wry
smirk at the remark. Piccolo scowled back at him and continued, "Maybe he thinks
we don't want him to have other friends - we do tend to demand most of his
time."

"I don't force him to do anything," Vegeta snapped, stung by the implication he
would try to control his mate like that.

"We don't force him - but we do expect him to be available all of the time - and
disagree about sharing. For all we know we could be making things more difficult
- he wants to get along with us both. And we don't agree on much - except
wanting Goku to be happy and healthy. And we can't even agree on how to
accomplish that."

"And you want to bring someone else into this? What are you? Bored? Lonely?" He
glanced at the Namek and nearly grinned as Piccolo's expression clouded.

"You're going too far, Saiyan," he growled, drawing himself up.

Vegeta adjusted his stance slightly - he doubted the Namek would be foolish
enough to attack him, but intended to be prepared. Piccolo must have noticed the
change because he backed off, his posture becoming non-threatening.

"This is stupid, Vegeta. I'm not your enemy. I'm not trying to take Goku from
you. I know you don't believe it but I want you to be completely mated, and
soon. This half thing you two have - it isn't good for him. It isn't healthy."

"What do you mean?" he asked suspiciously.

Piccolo hesitated, and Vegeta wondered for a moment if he was going to ignore
his question. "Look what it's doing to Goku. He isn't his usual cheerful,
confident and outgoing self; he seems to be sinking into depression. And face
it, Vegeta - he's getting weaker. It's getting more and more difficult to help
him maintain his level of ki."

"So what am I supposed to do?" he asked, feeling a desperate chill he wasn't
completely successful at hiding from the Namek. "I can't force him to complete
the bond." He didn't know what else he could do to prove to Kakarott how he felt
- that he was his chosen mate no matter what.

"We need to find out why he hasn't - and if there's something we can do to
convince him to. He must know you love him, and I know he loves you, Vegeta.
There's got to be some reason he's holding back."

He shrugged, not sure how to react to the Namek anymore. At least he
acknowledged his bond with Kakarott. But the idea of his mate deliberately
holding back, unwilling to be completely mated with him was upsetting. "He
hasn't told me why."

Piccolo shook his head, "He hasn't told me either." He headed towards the cabin,
"I'm going to go talk to him."

"Something's really wrong, isn't it?" Vegeta said morosely. "I can't help but
think I'm going to lose him somehow." He was struck again by the painful memory
of Kakarott limp in his arms, unmoving.

"No. Nothing's going to happen to you or Goku. Not this time. Never again. Not
if I have anything to say about it," Piccolo said stubbornly.

Vegeta studied the Namek suspiciously, "What's that supposed to mean?" He was
struck by the sudden sense of the Namek keeping something from him.

Piccolo sighed with resignation, "I'm tired of losing friends, Vegeta. What
happened to Goku last night… it never should have happened. I should have-" The
Namek broke off and looked at him a moment before shaking his head. "I can't
just stand by and watch this happen. I have to help both of you."

--------------------------------------

Goku tried to concentrate on the tv, but his eyes kept drooping shut. He slapped
himself in the leg again and pulled his hair, trying to stay awake. He'd tried
everything - loud music, exercise, watching television, even drinking coffee -
in an increasingly vain attempt to stay awake.

It had been too real, Vegeta's grief and regret too intense to ignore. He hadn't
even questioned how it was possible for him to feel the prince's emotions - he
just knew they were real. Now he couldn't get the vision of the prince killing
himself out of his mind. Even though Vegeta managed to convince him they were
still alive the scene kept playing over and over in agonizing clarity. Goku's
surrender, his attempt to stay with the prince even in death hadn't been
conscious - I hadn't even been a decision, but more of a reaction to a need to
stay with Vegeta. He simply couldn't imagine life without him and didn't want to
try.

"Goku?"

He blinked and looked around in confusion; he didn't know anyone else was in the
room. When he located the source of the voice, he just stared, bemused. Piccolo
was sitting in Vegeta's favorite chair, legs crossing and uncrossing as he tried
to make himself comfortable.

"What?" Piccolo asked when Goku grinned at the sight.

"I don't think I've ever seen you in a chair before."

Piccolo frowned for a moment, crossing his legs again, before finally finding a
comfortable position and settling. "Most of them are too damn small."

"That's Vegeta's chair."

"Good," he growled.

"Sometimes I sit there with him," Goku smirked, enjoying the distraction.

Piccolo froze, his eyes widening a moment, before he clamped down his reaction
to his usual stony expression. "I don't want to know."

"I'm just saying…"

"You've been around Vegeta too long," Piccolo complained.

Goku grinned at him a moment before getting up. "I need some more coffee. Do you
want any?"

"You don't drink coffee," Piccolo said and Goku frowned to himself as he headed
to the kitchen. He had upset Vegeta already, and knowing Piccolo he wasn't going
to be able to avoid repeating what had happened and upset him as well. "Are you
sure that it is okay for the baby?"

"The baby is fine," he said stubbornly, adding another spoon of sugar to the
cup. He hid his shudder at the unintentional reminder that he had endangered the
life of another of his children. Once it had gotten through his thick skull what
he had done, he desperately insisted Vegeta carefully check the baby's ki,
barely unable to contain his panic at what the prince might find. Learning the
baby was fine only comforted him a little - what kind of terrible parent was he?

He sat back down, sipping the black liquid, scowling at the taste. He didn't
like coffee, but he didn't want to sleep yet - maybe not ever.

"Have you tried adding milk?" Piccolo asked when he shivered at the bitter
taste.

"No. Do you think that will help?" Goku asked.

Piccolo sighed and unfolded himself from the chair. "Give me that," he said,
taking the cup and tasting it. He looked disgusted. "This is like drinking
grounds. Do you know how to make coffee? Really?"

Goku shook his head, watching his friend moving around in the kitchen. "No.
Chichi didn't drink it… and the boys always made their own." Piccolo dumped out
the remains of the pot and started a new one. "Where did you learn how--?"

Piccolo frowned slightly, but didn't answer his question, instead continuing
with his preparations. "You put too much ground in here. Look. This much water;
this much coffee."

Goku nodded, watching silently as Piccolo went through the cabinets while the
coffee brewed, selecting a clean cup, adding some milk and sugar to it, and
finally pouring the hot liquid into the cup. Piccolo handed it to him and Goku
looked up at him, surprised. "You've done this before?"

"No," Piccolo said softly, curling back into the chair. "I watched Gohan."

He took a tentative sip. "This is much better."

"That won't keep you up for long - caffeine can't perform miracles."

Goku frowned, ignoring the truth of his statement. He was only able to stay
awake now because he was doing something. As soon as he stopped he was sure he'd
fall asleep - and the nightmares would start again.

Piccolo waited quietly as he drank half of the cup before asking the question
Goku knew was coming. "What happened?"

"I'm sure he told you," Goku said, voice flat. "I dreamed. Vegeta died. I died.
He brought me back. I woke up."

"That succinctness is worthy of the runt prince," Piccolo said, his grin
exposing fangs.

"Are you two going to fight over me forever?" Goku asked, annoyed at the
ongoing, useless rivalry. "Can't you get along? Try to be friends?"

Piccolo bowed his head, sighing heavily. "Much as it pains me to admit it, I do
consider him my friend. It might not be returned - it's hard to tell with Vegeta
- but I don't want to see anything happen to him. Turns out the little bastard
has grown on me without my realizing it."

"Good. I hate to see you two fighting all of the time."

"I can't guarantee we'll stop fighting." Piccolo grinned at him, "I kind of
enjoy it."

Goku shrugged and went back to his coffee. Definitely better.

"Are you going to keep changing the subject and avoiding my question? I'd like
to know so I can make plans for the rest of the day."

"I told you."

Piccolo shook his head, "You summarized - if you can call it that."

Goku barely resisted the urge to curl up and hide under a blanket. It was bad
enough going through it once - why did they want him to relive it?

"Isn't that enough?" he muttered. "I saw him, alright? Felt him. He was sad and
lonely… Vegeta was crying. He hardly ever cries. And it was my fault. I had done
something terrible. So terrible he couldn't go on. " He kept picturing it, his
prince surrounded by trees in what should have been a calm and peaceful place.
The disparity just made Vegeta's profound grief even worse, overwhelming Goku.
Once he started talking he found it hard to stop and could only listen to
himself babble. "He killed himself. I watched him, begged him to stop, but he
wouldn't listen to me. He put his hand over his heart and used his ki to blow a
hole through it."

"But you couldn't have-" Piccolo began, disbelieving.

"Are you saying I imagined it?" Goku said angrily. "That it wasn't real? What if
it is? What if it's something that's going to happen?" He hung his head. "How
could I hurt him that much? What did I do wrong?" He tilted his head to look up
at Piccolo, trying to make him understand all of his confused thoughts, hoping
maybe someone else could make sense of them. "Maybe it's a warning. Maybe I'm
going to lose him too. What will I do? I can't do that again. I don't want to
feel someone else die."

"Goku - you haven't done anything wrong. That wasn't your Vegeta. He's fine and
outside, worried about you. You shouldn't blame yourself; what happened to him
wasn't your fault."

"I don't know why I was surprised. I should have expected it. Just one more
person that I love dies and I can't do anything but stand there when it happens.
All these great powers, and what good are they? They're useless. Completely
useless. They all die - everyone I care about - and every time they do I feel
another part of me ripped away. I feel like I'm shrinking. They keep dying and
I'm vanishing. Fading away." Goku felt the tears rolling down his cheeks, but
didn't know how to stop them. "I can't keep doing this. Everyone I get close to
dies."

"Goku…"

"Sometimes I feel like I attract death… Maybe I should have stayed dead after
all. In Otherworld you can't feel when people die. It was so much easier there."

"But much lonelier," Piccolo said softly.

"I didn't feel lonely very often. I was too busy training."

"Maybe you were trying to avoid thinking about it."

"I don't know…"

"Maybe these nightmares are your brain trying to tell you something."

"What?" he said bitterly. "How many people I've lost?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of needing friends to fill those holes that
have been left behind."

"So I can feel them die too? You don't know what it's like, Piccolo. You don't
know what it's like to feel someone as a constant presence - a part of you - and
then it vanishes."

"Yes I do."

Goku looked up, surprised to hear the pain in his friend's voice.

"Gohan got in my head somehow. More than even Kami or Nail. I always knew what
he was feeling - sometimes even thinking. I knew when he was happy… or afraid… I
knew he was dying - maybe even before you did. I understand better than you
think, Goku."

Goku frowned, reminded of one more person's death he felt responsible for. He
picked up the pile of bills he'd paid while trying to keep busy and absently
shuffled through them, trying to compose himself with little success.

"I don't know what to do," he finally said. "I don't understand what's wrong
with me - but I can't help but think it's my fault somehow."

"I doubt that."

Goku grimaced, annoyed at himself. "Vegeta thinks it wouldn't have happened if
we were mated already."

"Why aren't you?"

"I can't!" Goku exclaimed, frustrated. "Don't you think I've tried?"

"Have you?"

Goku stared at him in disbelief. "You do think it's my fault."

"No I don't - at least not deliberately. But I do think you are letting yourself
be ruled by fear - and you are afraid of the wrong thing."

"That's not fair," he protested.

Piccolo sighed. "Son, you have to look inside - figure out what it is that is
holding you back and do something about it. I can't tell you what to do…but I
don't want you to make the same mistake I did."

Goku looked at him curiously; he couldn't imagine what mistake Piccolo could
have made. He was the most thoughtful person he knew - his friend didn't screw
up the way he did all the time.

"I would have done anything for Gohan. I did. Everything but have the courage to
tell him how much he meant to me. There was always some reason or some fear -
real or imagined - that kept me silent. I don't know - maybe I thought there
would be plenty of time…but there wasn't. He died and it was too late."

"I didn't--"

"Don't make the same mistake I did, Goku. Figure out what it is that scares you
more - being with Vegeta or being without him. But choose. This indecision of
yours is cruel to everyone - including yourself."

"I love him."

Piccolo stared at him and he could feel the intensity of dark eyes piercing him.
"So you say. But do you love him enough? Enough to commit to him completely?
Enough to risk losing him? Enough to stop focusing on your eventual deaths and
enjoy whatever time you have without fear? Everyone dies, Goku. You can't just
shut down and stop living because you've lost people you care about. They
wouldn't want you to do that."

"It's just so hard… It's so confusing sometimes."

"I know Son - and while Vegeta and I want to fix everything and make it easy for
you, we can't; you're the only one who can resolve that. But you have to. You
have to make up your mind what you are really afraid of and what you are willing
to risk."

Goku sat silently, staring down at his growing belly, absently riffling through
the stack of checks he held. He was intensely aware of the silence and Piccolo's
eyes on him. "Gohan must have known," he whispered, glancing up at his friend.

Piccolo frowned. "I'll never know, will I?"

Goku rubbed his belly, feeling his child's movement echoing his distress. "I
don't know what to do anymore. That nightmare really scared me. It felt so
real."

"I know."

"Tell me what to do. Please," he pleaded. Everything, including flashes of
Vegeta's death, just kept whirring around in his head and he couldn't seem to
think clearly anymore.

"I can't tell you what to do. You're an adult, completely capable of making
decisions yourself."

Goku sighed. Even if that was true, it wasn't easy. "Will you--? Will you at
least tell me what you think?"

"What I think… You already know what I think, but if you need me to repeat it
I'll tell you one more time. After that, you're on your own." Piccolo frowned
and bowed his head. "I think Vegeta and I are making things difficult for you…
we keep you busy and don't give you enough time to yourself. I know you Goku -
you don't like to refuse anyone. Maybe you need to learn to be more selfish
sometimes - take some time by yourself where you don't have to worry about
anyone else."

Goku shrugged and rubbed his belly, "Yeah… I you're probably right.. But with
the way I've been lately I don't think I should spend too much time away from
someone who can help me."

"True," Piccolo scowled. "The list is kind of short. The only other person I can
think of is Dende."

They sat silently, Piccolo shifting uncomfortably in the chair. Goku considered
what his friend had said; trying without success to decide if he was right - yet
one more thing he couldn't seem to get straight in his head.

"I need a break," Goku said, coming to a decision. He pushed himself out of his
seat and went into the bedroom grabbing some clothes and other items and
throwing them into a capsule. A few minutes later he came back to the living
room where Piccolo was standing, apparently having given up his battle with the
chair.

"Okay, I'm all set," Goku said. "I have to talk to Vegeta first, though."

"About what?" Piccolo demanded, following him out the door.

Goku shrugged, "What I'm doing."

"And what's that?"

Goku didn't answer, heading over to where Vegeta was standing in the shade of a
tree.

"Goku? Goku!" Piccolo said, annoyed. "Damn it! Answer me."

Vegeta looked at him and he felt bad for how tired and sad the prince looked. He
knew it was his fault and he had to fix it.

"Vegeta," he said without preamble, afraid of losing his nerve. "I'm leaving."

TBC