To Understand Love

Disclaimer: Dragon Ball Z is owned by Toriyama Akira. As such, I make no profit from writing this story.

Warning: There is a lime/lemon scene ahead.

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Chapter 11

Screaming children…

Deadlines looming…

Employees asking for pay advances…

I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my temples, trying to keep the headache that threatens to burst forth contained. It is already the end of the second week of April, yet it feels like the month is dragging along at a snails pace and I am caught up between the demands of being a manger as well as that of being a student.

Standing up, I walk to my office door and stick my head out, making sure no one is loitering around the hallway to see me close it. Breathing out a sigh of relief that no one is in sight, I shut the door and then fall back into my office chair. Staring at the spreadsheet on my computer, a number of thoughts coast through my mind. The number one being that…

I’m not cut out to be an activities director.

I’ve had to fire two activity assistants, look at two hundred application files for the open positions, make cuts to our already stressed budget, and listen to the complaints of unhappy employees all within the first two weeks of our second fiscal quarter for the year. And was I happy about doing any of those things? No. Yet one does what they have to do when in a position of responsibility. Days like this make me think that Trunks…if his job was like this, it was no wonder he was unhappy. No amount of money could ever make a job more pleasant when part of it entails making somebody miserable at least once a week.

It makes me look forward to my graduation date when I can finally become a teacher. Unfortunately, that day looms almost a year and a half away. Still, my job isn’t all that bad. At least, when I don’t have to deal with the aforementioned problems.

Massaging the bridge of my nose, I look at the clock and realize I only have about fifteen minutes left before I can leave. Normally, I stay at least an hour past when my workday is over, but today…there is nothing that is going to make me put in an extra hour or two, especially since it’s Thursday and I don’t have class to worry about. Staring at my spreadsheet, I start to enter in numbers to designate funds that need to be transferred into different departments that go towards the activities our club provides. I slowly become engrossed in the task and don’t realize that my fifteen minutes have been long past when there is a distinct rap on the window of my office door.

Jerking backwards in my chair, I glance at my clock and swear under my breath when I realize it’s almost a quarter to six, forty-five minutes past when I had told myself I would leave. Standing up out of my chair, I open the door only to find Shinji standing with his arms crossed, his long fingers tapping idly against the fabric of his button down shirt.

Feeling slightly disorientated, I motion for him to come inside, letting him leave the door open.

“Umm…” I mutter aloud, confused as to why he’s here. He takes the initiative and smiles warmly at me.

“You were supposed to meet me at Maurice’s for coffee. I figured when you didn’t show up and I waited for fifteen minutes that you’d be still here. Rough day?”

Blinking, I feel like a complete idiot. I had forgotten. Completely. Nodding my head in response to his question, I step over to my computer and shut it down, making sure to save the changes to my spreadsheet before turning it off. Grabbing my coat and shoulder bag, I push my office chair in and head towards where he’s standing.

He looks at me, that stare of his penetrating my brain, leaving me in a hazy fog of uncertainty and…desire.

Shaking off both unwanted feelings, I tell him that we can leave.

We walk down the hallway together, moving towards the elevator that will take us to the first floor of the office complex which houses the boys and girls club. On the way, I see Yuki, one of the girls I work with in the activities department. She says goodnight to me and then gives both Shinji and myself a once over.

I know what she’s thinking.

That Shinji’s my boyfriend.

He comes often enough as it is because I’m constantly forgetting when we’re supposed to meet up for coffee or just to talk. I’ve even heard rumors around the office concerning my sexual preferences, especially since I know that a few of the girls have been speculating about it for months. It’s a bit awkward, never having been in a position where I would really hear or think anything of the rumors being canvassed about pertaining to myself and those whom I associate with. Yet, I don’t do anything to refute their validity simply because…I am gay and there would be no point in denying it. As for Shinji being my boyfriend, I wouldn’t go that far. I still find him strange but my own reservations about him have slowly found their way to the curb, being replaced with feelings that seem oddly similar to esteem, warmth, and even a small amount of attraction.

Shrugging off my thoughts, I pull up to the elevator and push the down button. After about a minute, the elevator door opens and we both step inside. I wait as Shinji presses the button for the basement level floor, and soon enough, both of us are on our way downstairs.

“I think she thinks you’re cute.”

“Excuse me?” I ask, raising my eyebrow at his strange observation.

“I said, I think that girl thinks you’re cute.”

Rolling my eyes at Shinji, I heft my shoulder bag upwards before leveling a retort.

“I heard you the first time. I can guarantee you that Yuki wasn’t looking at me because she thinks I’m cute.”

He cocks his head to the side and taps his chin, as though he’s really trying to figure out why I would be so adamant in believing that Yuki isn’t interested in me as a potential boyfriend. However, he doesn’t have a chance to voice his opinion aloud as the elevator stops and reveals the parking garage. Stepping off of the elevator, I follow him to his blue sedan and slide in the front seat as soon as he unlocks the car, setting my bag at my feet.

We pull out of the garage and turn onto the main road before he speaks up.

“Why don’t you think she thinks you’re cute?”

I grumble something under my breath, which only earns me a pointed glare in the rear view mirror. Tapping my fingers against my thighs, I glance at him out of the corner of my eye before mumbling an answer.

“She thinks that you and I are…are dating or something.”

I can see the corner of his mouth quirk up in a slight smile before he responds to my awkward admission.

“So? That doesn’t mean she doesn’t find you attractive. Besides, all you’d have to do is tell her that the two of us are just friends, and you’d be free to date her. I can tell you from personal experience that girls have a certain fondness for gay men, or those whom they think prefer the same sex.”

I can’t help it. I burst out laughing over his strange comments, thinking of how bizarre it would be for any woman in her right mind to approach Shinji in hopes of him reciprocating an attraction. Having finally allowed myself to start to really become friends with him, there is no way that the man would ever inspire attraction from the opposite sex. At least in my mind, I can’t see it happening, especially since he regularly will apply makeup to his face or wear jewelry that no straight man would ever be caught dead in, at least when he isn’t going to work. Then, he cuts a very polished, if metro-sexual, look.

I’m surprised when he pulls to a stoplight and turns to give me a very affronted look. Slowly, I let my laughter die down; embarrassed over the fact that I seem to have offended the usually unflappable Shinji.

“What? You think you’re the only man around who can have women fall at his feet?”

I flush slightly, unsure of how to proceed, never having really offended Shinji before, especially over something so…so stupid.

“Umm…” I falter helplessly, trying to think of something to say to change the negative atmosphere in the car. “No. I don’t think I’m the only guy who gets girls to have crushes on them. I mean, I’m sure you…err, have had your fair share.”

“I have,” he says in a huffy tone of voice, as though there is some sort of contest between the two of us. Inwardly, I roll my eyes at his sudden prissiness, trying to take it in stride.

“Well, you can have Yuki,” I say as the light turns green and we speed through the intersection. “She’s not my type.”

“I don’t want her.”

“Then what are you so upset about?” I ask, perturbed over his sour attitude.

“I’m not upset.”

I glance away from him, deciding that it’s futile to argue with him about a conversation that started out completely innocent and ended up on another track altogether, one that I can’t figure out. It’s as if he’s angry with me over something, yet I have no idea what I did except laugh over something that he shouldn’t have taken offense over, especially since he’s told me that he likes men.

We drive for a few more minutes in silence, and I don’t bother to ask him where he’s going, when he finally speaks up. However, his topic of conversation shocks me because he has never once brought it up in the entire time we’ve known each other.

“I need a good fuck. I need to get drunk and fuck the first attractive man I see. I can’t…”

I swallow nervously, shocked that he would say something like that in front of me. Again, my thoughts wander to where this could even be coming from. Shinji has seemed to be many things in the past, but never would I have pegged him as the type of person who, just like Trunks, would go out and relieve feelings of stress by having sex with a stranger. If indeed, that is where the problem lies.

“Forget I just said that.”

Blinking at him uncertainly, I turn away and stare at my knees.

“I’m in a mood today, Goten, and I shouldn’t be taking it out on you. Besides, I’m the one that’s supposed to be helping you to feel better about yourself, and here I am acting like an ass. I get…lonely too, you know? But whatever…I’m starved and I thought you might like the restaurant, La Fraîche Nourriture. How about it?”

I know he’s trying to clear the air in the car, but I can’t help worry that the reason he’s having these strange feelings has to do with me and something I’m not doing. I wonder if I’ll be cursed to always have people react to me in this manner.

“Goten?”

“What?”

“Do you want to go to that restaurant? It has a good buffet.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” I say as I continue staring at my knees, trying my best to not let Shinji’s earlier attitude affect me. Yet, for some reason, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s my fault and so I sit in his car, stewing over my own deflated spirit and depressed thoughts until we arrive at the restaurant.

He gives his keys over to a valet, and as I step out of the car, I realize that this restaurant is out of my pay range.

“Shinji, I can’t…”

He interrupts me with a wave of his hand and tells me it’s his treat as a way to make up for his earlier incivility and for my horrific day at the office. I nod uncomfortably and follow him inside the plush restaurant, which lives up to its name by having a fresh and clean air about it that evokes a feeling of well-being.

We follow the host to our table, which sits next to a window and affords a good view of the city street. He hands us each a menu and we both immediately look through it. I can’t understand any of it because it’s all in French, so I set it down and wait for Shinji to finish looking it over.

“Do you know what you want?” he asks quietly as he slowly places the menu in front of himself, pushing a stray piece of hair out of his face.

“I can’t read the menu so…”

He smiles reassuringly before he motions for a waiter to come over. Handing the server our menus, he fills the order with the confidence of someone who knows a great deal about food, something that is not my expertise.

“I’ll have the coq au vin and he will have the buffet. Also, we’d like a bottle of good quality Reisling wine.”

The server bows once and walks away, at which time Shinji gently nudges my calf with his foot to get my attention. Turning towards him, he motions for me to get up and start serving myself at the buffet, which looks…enormous. Standing up slowly, I push in my chair and leave him, heading over towards the mounds of food that are calling my name, my thoughts of discomfort put away for the moment as I concentrate of putting the choicest assortment of food on my plate. Choosing a number of things that look safe to my untrained palate, I slowly fill my plate and then head back to the table.

As soon as I sit, Shinji pours me a glass of the Reisling wine he had ordered, which surprises me by being a white variety. So far, the few times I’ve had wine with Shinji, he usually seems to prefer reds, but today is different. Taking a sip, I make a slight face over its tartness and dryness, still unused to drinking the stuff. He doesn’t say anything at my face, instead sneaking his hand across the table to snatch one of my five hard rolls.

“Hey!”

He gives me a cheeky grin and then takes a bite, licking the crumbs off his lower lip before setting the roll down on top of his napkin.

“What? It’s not like you’re going to miss one hard roll. You do have four others besides two plates heaping with food. Besides, I’m hungry too and my food hasn’t arrived yet.”

I frown at him slightly before digging in, careful not to advertise my Saiyan appetite as I eat slowly and decisively, something I would never do had I been eating with my family or in the privacy of my own home. He watches me eat for a few minutes before he finishes the roll he stole from me and then turns his attention to the people talking animatedly while they eat as he waits for his own food to make an appearance.

His own dish, which turns out to be some sort of chicken stew with potatoes, arrives about ten minutes later, by which time I am ready for seconds. He waves me off as he settles his napkin in his lap and his cutlery in his hands. Rising for the second time, I once again make a trip to the buffet, coming back to our small table with two more plates filled to the brim with food. We eat in relative silence, something that rarely happens since Shinji has the tendency to rattle off about anything that’s on his mind. Lost in our own thoughts and the mixture of flavors on our tongues, the time ticks slowly by until we are both brought out of reverie by a somewhat loud shout.

Jerking out of my food induced stupor, my fork slips out of my grasp and clatters to my plate with a loud bang. Bringing my eyes into focus, I turn to the right only to see… Bulma.

“Goten…it really is you. I didn’t recognize…” Her voice drifts off slightly and I realize that she is no longer looking just at me, but at Shinji as well. The first thing I wonder is what is going through her head. I haven’t seen her since…since Gohan’s birthday party last summer and at that time, her son was still my friend. I have this feeling that she knows things about me and Shinji’s presence is unnerving to her.

Flushing slightly under her gaze, I raise my hand and scratch the back of my head nervously, a trait that she knows well. Glancing behind her as a way to focus my thoughts before I say something that might make me out to be an idiot, it takes me a second to realize that she isn’t alone. Gulping nervously, I pull my hand down to my lap and take in a deep breath, trying to still my racing heart.

Why does he have to be here too?

Centering myself, I force myself to look upward so as not to come across as a coward to Vegeta. The last thing I need for him to do is take offense and punch me through the window of the restaurant, something I have no doubts he would do if pissed off sufficiently enough.

“Bulma…Vegeta. How have you been?” I ask, ignoring Shinji’s sudden look of piqued curiosity, no doubt because he wonders either who these people are or he’s made a correlation to Capsule Corporation and wants to know how it is that I have such connections.

Vegeta gives me a hard stare before stepping up to Bulma, pointedly ignoring my civilities. His refusal of cordialities is something he would normally do to a stranger, but it makes me feel sick that he’s treating me as though I’m nothing more than a piece of dirt to be stepped on by his boot. Stamping down my own feelings of dread, I wait for him to say whatever it is he wants to say.

“I’m going to the buffet, woman. Finish your talk with the brat and then come and find me. And you’d better hurry if you don’t want me to blow this place to hell.”

With that, he stalks away to the buffet and yells at a man to get out of his way, which causes Bulma to roll her eyes in irritation. I watch Shinji out of the corner of my eye, who has an amused look on his face as he watches Vegeta take three plates and expertly balance them while piling as much food as he can on top of them.

“I swear that man will be the death of me. You’d think he’d appreciate going to a good buffet for our late anniversary dinner, but instead he…” her voice trails off as a slight blush heightens the color of her rouged cheeks. Sighing, I let out a breath of relief that Vegeta has gone off to tame his appetite, while at the same time, I both wonder and dread what it is that Bulma wants to talk about.

“So, Goten…Gohan says you’re in graduate school and that you’re working as an activities director for the West City Boys and Girls Club. You seem well. I mean, I guess I hardly now how you are because it’s been what, nine months since I’ve seen you? So how are you?”

I wilt under her stare, although I can sense she means me no harm. But what can I say? I feel like anything I tell her will be a lie, especially since I don’t want to bring Trunks into the conversation, certainly not with Shinji around.

Picking at my food and ignoring Shinji’s curious gaze, I finally answer her inquiry.

“I’m doing okay. My jobs kind of been stressful lately and school’s been tough, but Gohan’s been a real help and…”

I watch as she folds her arms across her ample bosom, her lower lip sticking out as she thinks about my answer before replying.

“Are you really okay? I’ve been worried about you. I know…I know things between you and Trunks…Please, Goten. Can you honestly tell me that you are fine? Truly and honestly?”

I look in her eyes and I can see desperation there, as though…she understands the pain I’ve been fighting since losing Trunks months ago and wants to know that I haven’t let it destroy me. As though…somebody else has felt the same way I’ve felt and lost a battle, hurting themselves and the ones who loved them best. I try to keep down the sensation of wanting to cry, wondering in the back of my mind if Trunks…if Trunks has done something horrible to himself.Yet, I know if that were the case, Bulma would tell me. At least, I’d hope she would tell me something like that. Ignoring the fear quivering within my insides, I answer her.

“I really am fine, Bulma. I’ve…I’m finding my way.”

She mulls my words over before letting out a sigh of relief and finally cracking the smile I grew up accustomed to, at least when she wasn’t yelling at Trunks or myself for getting into mischief.

“I’m sure you are finding your way, Goten. You never seemed to have a problem with that. Well…I’m really glad I got to see you with my own eyes. You’ve no idea…I, you’re like a son to me Goten. You know that, right?”

I nod my head slowly, not sure where this conversation is going.

“Please, Goten…if you ever need anything or if you just want to come and visit, know you are always welcome. It’s been ages since we’ve seen you at Capsule Corporation. I know things have been…strained between you and…Just don’t think you aren’t welcome because of that. You always are. Even Vegeta misses seeing you around, although he would never admit to it.”

With that, she leans down and hugs me close to her body before letting me go and kissing me on the forehead. Feeling embarrassment surge through my body, I watch as she walks to the opposite side of the restaurant where Vegeta is eating voraciously, seating herself across from him, before I drop my eyes to my hands.

I can sense Shinji’s eyes drilling me, no doubt wondering about all of these things Bulma has brought forward, which I have tried to keep hidden from him in the months since I have become acquainted with him. However, I don’t want to talk to him about it. Thankfully, he takes the hint and says nothing.

After he’s finished his chicken and two glasses of wine, he asks me if I am ready to leave. I nod my head slowly and we both rise, having paid for the check at our table. Walking towards the exit, Bulma catches my eye as she waves good-bye. I swallow and then raise my hand slightly in response and then slowly walk out of the restaurant to Shinji’s sedan.

Settling in the car seat, I slump against the cushions as my mind tries to process my conversation with Bulma and Shinji’s strange attitude. Closing my eyes, I try to make sense of it all, but the only thing I end up doing is blaming myself for what I don’t understand and have no control over.

I sit like this the entire car ride until Shinji stops his car and turns the ignition off. I feel him tap me gently on the arm and I slowly open my eyes, only to realize that we aren’t parked in front of my apartment. Shaking off my uneasiness, I exit his car a follow him to the elevator and then to his apartment.

He unlocks the door and we both walk through the entryway, taking our shoes off and padding across his thick carpeting. He flicks on a light switch and then sets his briefcase on the coffee table before flopping down on his couch. I follow his example and sit down next to him.

I know what’s coming the moment he opens his mouth to speak.

“Who were they? That really wasn’t Bulma Briefs, was it?”

I shrug.

“What does it matter if it was? I’m still a nobody in the end.”

He surprises me when he takes my hand and earnestly tells me the opposite.

“Goten…you aren’t a nobody. You’re somebody special, somebody who has this power to…to make people realize things about themselves, yet you can’t see it. You’ve come so far since I first met you and I don’t want…I can’t let you end up that way again. Do you hear me? I won’t let you. I wouldn’t live up to my promise if I did and I…wouldn’t be your friend if I did that either.”

I back away from him while leaving my hand in his warm and surprisingly strong grip.

“What makes you think I’m going to go back to being depressed and isolated?”

“Because…of what that woman said. It’s because of that person she brought up, the one who’s also in pain, it’s because of them that you ended up like this.”

“What of it? It wasn’t like it happened over night. We were friends and we both fucked it up. Because it’s hard being two separate people when all you want is to be the other half of the one that makes you feel whole. Can’t you understand that, Shinji? He took it away from me because I couldn’t…give him what he wanted. And I hate him for it yet I…It’s my fault.”

I don’t know why, but I end up screaming this out to him before I suddenly lean over and start to sob, months of frustration and pent up anger over the situation that I had tried so hard to put away in a safe place welling to the surface. It’s as if that one contact with Bulma, that one possible insight into Trunks’s own condition, has brought it all back and I can’t stop myself from looking like a complete weakling in front of someone who has become…important to me, in their own strange fashion.

Yet…he doesn’t look at me with disgust or pity. Instead, I feel him push closer to where I’m crying into my hands like a baby, and slowly, he puts his arms around my midsection, raising me up so that I’m looking in the depths of his unfathomable violet eyes.

Pushing a tear away from my stubbly cheek, he gives me a slight smile, a quirk of his lips.

“I’m sorry that it happened to you like that Goten. I truly am. But stop telling yourself that it was your fault he turned away from you. He made the choice to leave a caring person behind. However, there will be others. There always are.”

I know that he’s talking from experience, yet I can’t believe it. There will never be somebody who can fill the emptiness that Trunks left behind. They will only ever be a substitute. I shake my head in denial, which only earns a shushing noise from him before he leans in and…kisses me.

At first, my reaction is to pull away; my resistance slowly melts away as his hand arches up my back and glides along the nape of my neck, pulling me in closer before he slides his tongue along my upper lip. At that moment, the floodgate opens to my own forbidden desires, which have been lying dormant below the surface for months and months. I open my mouth to his, feeling his tongue rasp against my own, the taste of wine and something spicy as I cave into the act of deeply kissing another man. A man who is not Trunks.

Our tongues slide and push against each other, our teeth gently nipping at each others lips, exploring the contours of the others mouth. I feel a sudden surge to dominate, something that has always been completely foreign to me. I suck on Shinji’s tongue, which elicits a high and drawn out moan from the other man. Moving my hands down his body, I find his ass and push him up and against my lap, clearly feeling for the first time his own desire pressed against my stomach. My one hand tightens against his ass as he awkwardly straddles me on his couch while his hand tightens against my hair.

I suddenly wonder how I have gotten into this position when I never desired such a thing from him, at least on a conscious level. I also wonder how far this will end up going when he pulls back away from my mouth and plants a trail of kisses along my jaw line and neck as his one hand that was entwined with my hair moves along my back, up my side, and finally against my chest.

“Shinji?” I whisper out against his face as he continues to kiss my neck and shoulder.

My voice triggers something in him as he pushes away from my shoulder to once again brush his lips against mine. Slowly, he touches my face with his hand before settling his backside against my lap.

His eyes are foggy with desire and that sight, along with his reddened lips, only further my own carnal desires, yet the back of mind knows that this isn’t right. I want to push him away, yet I let him straddle me, becoming familiar with the contour of his body and his weight against my own.

“I’m a liar, Goten, and I give you leave to hate me.”

“What?” I ask huskily as he leans forward and kisses my forehead and then my nose before settling on my lips again. He peppers them with light touches, frustrating and arousing me even further.

“I said it was all about you. But it’s about me too,” he whispers breathily against my ear, his hands rubbing against the fabric of my shirt across my chest, his ass sliding against my hips and arousal.

“What…what do you mean?”

I let out an uncharacteristic growl as he pinches my nipple against the cloth of my shirt. I try to bat his hand away, but all that does is make him chuckle darkly before he does it again.

“I want you to be happy, Goten. That is true. But I want you to…forget him. I want you to love me the way I love you.”

“I can’t stand this feeling of wanting you, Goten. I’ve never fallen…like this. I feel like a criminal, but I can’t stop how I feel and I can’t hide it anymore. I want you.”

I can hear his words and they bring back his previous behavior and I wonder if I had this effect on Trunks, too.This ability to make another desire me like this. Yet…while I feel strongly about Shinji, my feelings having developed over the months that we have known each other, I don’t love him the way I love Trunks and I won’t ever forget Trunks just because I participate in a sexual act with Shinji. I know what we are doing is wrong; simply from the standpoint that it doesn’t mean the same thing to me as it does to Shinji. I find myself in a quandary because I realize that I couldn’t give myself to Trunks for the very same reason and it was the breaking point for what we once shared. Yet, I make a selfish decision, one based solely on my current needs at the moment and the fact that I have a willing partner who wants to take away my pain.

“I want you, too.” I whisper against the shell of his ear as I wrap my arms around him and push him down against me. That’s all it takes. A simple sentence. A few words, yet it changes…everything.

& & &

I sit up slowly in Shinji’s bed, the sheets tangled around my legs, the smell of sex covering the entire room. Leaning forward, I place my elbows on my thighs and watch as a single moonbeam flits through the slit in the curtains, illuminating the opposite wall. I sit and…think.

I feel deep disgust and loathing towards myself. Not so much because I…because I have discovered what it is like to have intercourse with another man, but because it happened at all. I used Shinji…I used him the way I thought Trunks meant to use me and it makes me feel putrid on the inside, that I’m no better than him.

I stare at my tainted hands, an extension of my own tainted body. I’m such a hypocrite. A fucking, two-faced hypocrite. Yet by the same token, I have this feeling that if Shinji ever asks me to have sex with him again, I will comply simply because…because it’s easy to pretend that he’s someone else, someone who will probably never be a part of my life again. I’m a bastard. A cold-hearted fucker, and if anybody should be hated, it should be me.

Sighing, I wonder about Trunks, the reason behind my decision to allow this to have happened between Shinji and myself. Bulma hadn’t said anything about him, yet…her eyes spoke volumes and I wonder what has become of the sparkling and sexually charming heir to Capsule Corporation. I wonder what I drove him to, and that thought only adds another knife to the guilt that is stabbing me in the heart.

Sitting up, I blow a piece of hair out of my face as I turn and look towards Shinji. His body is sprawled sideways across the bed, the curve of his backside facing me. And I can see the damage my desire has done to him. Bruises litter his neck and his hips, and it only makes me feel more like a monster than before. I wasn’t gentle with him. I wasn’t even kind. I was a sick fuck. A rampant psychopath buried inside my outwardly innocent façade.

Deciding I can’t stand this feeling of revulsion, I shove the covers off my body and stand, only to hear Shinji’s movement as he rolls over onto his back and then watches me, his eyes half-lidded with sleep.

“Where ya goin, Go-chan?” he whispers hoarsely, no doubt from the amount of screaming that pushed past his lips when I fucked him into the mattress. It’s like another nail pounded into my coffin. Chocking back a moan of despair, I turn my head towards him and stare. He looks so different naked in the moonlight, almost as though he’s an ethereal angel and I became the devil that…used him to satisfy my own warped and hidden desires.

“Home.”

For some reason that I don’t register, he looks upset. He sits up and pulls the sheets up over his nakedness, clutching them to his thin chest.

“Why? Did I…you aren’t disgusted with me, are you?”

I blink.

“Why would I be disgusted with you?”

“Because I lied to you and I …you really do hate me, don’t you, Goten?”

I can sense the worry in his voice, as if I could hate him. Sure, maybe he wasn’t one hundred percent honest with me, but who would I have been kidding had I said that I never once thought he desired me? It’s been there since the beginning and I was the sicko who waited for him to make a move so that I could relieve my own sexual frustration. If anyone has been a liar, it’s me: to myself and towards him.

“Do you want me to…to spend the night?” I ask, wondering why he would want such a thing from me.

“Of course. This wasn’t meant to be a one night stand.”

I stare at him again, at a loss for words. I watch as he pulls the covers aside in an entreaty to climb back inside his bed. And I, being the kind-hearted hypocrite that I am, can’t refuse him. Grumbling slightly, I step towards the bed and climb back in, the mattress dipping as my weight settles down on top of it. Slowly, Shinji brings the sheets up over my legs and hips before he leans over and kisses me gently on the lips. He then places his hand against my chest, pushing me gently down until I’m laying against the mattress, my head buttressed by a soft pillow.

“Go to sleep,” he whispers gutturally into my ear. “I’ll make you a good breakfast when you wake up.” With that said, he rolls away and pulls the covers up over his shoulders. Eventually, I can hear his soft snores as he falls once again into a deep sleep.

I stare at the ceiling. If Trunks new what I had done tonight, he would rightfully hate me. I wonder if I will ever have his love or if I’m even worthy of it now.

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Okay, I hope you don’t hate me for this chapter. Maybe it wasn’t what you were expecting? At any rate, there is a reason behind all of this and it will eventually become clear (I hope). My main motivation for writing Shinji is to show that Goten has weaknesses and he has to come to grips with those realities before he can ever feel whole enough to finally approach Trunks, and vice versa. Anyway, hate it or love it, please let me know in a review. I really appreciate all of the feedback that I receive.