Cost of a Secret

A/N: Thank you to everyone for your reviews. Here's another chapter, with a little angst and a little fluff :)

Chapter 15

Uncomfortable Sleep

Focus on their work was evading Ed as his lip continued a steady thump of dull pain. The fat lip that Roy had given him earlier combined with the kiss had made it sting, then ache, now, Ed could feel his every heartbeat. With each throb came a reminder of Roy’s lips on his, of times when they wouldn’t just stop with a kiss. And it was unbelievably frustrating to be in a room with the man and know that nothing was going to happen. Nothing… because he wasn’t going to let it. First of all, it was too important that he at least try to focus on Liam and the transmutation circles. Secondly, he didn’t want to open up that mess. Not now, not ever.

So, Ed again looked down at the papers in front of him. He saw the drawing that Liam had done, and there was the slightest niggling sensation in his mind. That feeling that he knew something about this transmutation circle, but that it wasn’t something readily accessible. The things that the Gate had imported, crammed and stuffed to overflowing into his head usually felt like that. He only remembered them if there was a trigger, like this drawing, which would wheedle its way into his head and slowly extract the knowledge from wherever it was stored.

He could feel the usual headache coming on as well. It always did when he worked like this, relying partly on the memory that the Gate had given him. The research he could physically find on this circle was simple and straightforward. Two transmutation circles that would be linked together through a simple transmutation circle. It was a simple process, however there were a few pieces missing from Liam’s back if this was the case.

And somehow, instinct was telling him that this part of the circle was complete.

Ed scrambled for a pen and paper before closing his eyes and just sketching the image he saw flashed before them. If this was right… then what Liam’s mother was experimenting with was very, very bad.

He started with the completed symbol, the one that wasn’t yet on Liam’s back. The one Liam wore still lacked the center portion. And yet, Ed was beginning to realize that it didn’t matter.

Ed could only barely sense Roy’s presence beside him as he scribbled. Roy knew better than to ask Ed what he was doing when he was focused like this, and Ed was grateful for it. Even Al sometimes would forget and ask him what he as doing at the worst possible time.

When the image was complete, Ed instantly recognized what it was for. That little wealth of alchemic knowledge had been triggered and now he just had to process it for the questioning gaze of the older man.

“A transmutation circle that Karen might have been using,” Ed explained.

“So Liam’s is missing the outer and inner rings?”

Ed shook his head. “This outer ring is ancient. Even Shou Tucker was just getting the faintest idea of its potential. The symbol that Tucker used is inside of this ring. Tucker used identical symbols on the human and the animal he would combine. They would become a fifty-fifty blend. The results of the blend were unpredictable, though.”

“And this…?” Roy asked quietly.

“Uses only one of Tucker’s symbols. It is divided between or among the animals and humans to be used in the chimera.” Ed tried to keep his voice steady for Roy’s sake. “The parts of the symbol dictate what parts will be dominant in the chimera. For example, you could decide to make a cat who can fly by only having the wings dominant in the chimera by putting that part of the symbol on the bird and then the rest of it on the cat.”

“But transmutation circles need to be complete,” Roy said. “You have to have a complete circle for them to activate.”

“Which is what the outer circle does.” Ed paused and redrew just the outer circle with chalk on the floor. He thought this might work with another transmutation symbol, and so he got two pieces of paper and drew one that Roy was familiar with, the fire alchemy symbol. He split it up randomly on two pieces of paper. He did not even do it so neatly as to divide it in halves. Some of the pieces were even out of order.

Putting his fingers to the ancient circle he’d drawn, the two pieces of paper smoldered. It didn’t work quite the same as it would have if the transmutation circle had been drawn the traditional way, but Ed could tell that Roy got the idea. Roy looked genuinely terrified and as his hand reached out for what Ed had sketched for the chimera transmutation, it visibly shook.

“We can fix this,” Ed said. “We can get the circle off of Liam and we will try to find out just what Karen is up to.” He rested his hand over Roy’s trembling one and made the older man drop the paper.

“I never should have left him with her,” Roy said, his eyes focused on the paper.

“Did you ever think her capable of something like this?” Roy shook his head. “Well, then you can’t blame yourself for leaving a kid with his mother.” Without even thinking about it, Ed pulled him close and held him. Roy didn’t seem to have the energy to protest. “Besides, this is the worst case scenario. We can’t know for sure this is what she was doing. Not yet.”

“It doesn’t matter if it is or not,” Roy said. “She hurt him to do this. You said so yourself. She did this to a little boy, and I was here oblivious to it all. I’ve never really done right by him.”

Ed sighed. Over the last few days, he had considered throwing the same argument in Roy’s face. Had Roy always done everything that he could have for the boy? Ed couldn’t say, but he could guess that circumstances had a lot to do with the decisions Roy had made.

“What would you have done differently?” Ed asked.

There was a long pause. “A lot of things.” Ed could feel Roy turn his head toward him, and a tiny part of the younger man’s mind told him that Roy’s statement had been for him in a small way. Ed ran a hand through Roy’s hair as he held him. It was a subconscious gesture on his part. “I messed up so much and he’s paying for it.”

Ed didn’t know what to say, but he held Roy as he knew the man was crying. He suspected that Roy hadn’t really let it all out prior to this moment, and it was left to Ed to pull him together. The vindictive part of his mind wanted to tell Roy to stop. He wanted to tell him he was a horrible parent, that everything he’d brought upon his son was his fault. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He held Roy as they sat on the floor and he let the man cry against his shoulder. Roy had been strong for Ed in the past. Ed could do the same for Roy, even if they were no longer together.

“I don’t know why we have to share a tent,” Ed said as he unpacked his cot and set it up inside the large tent. “I used to be able to have a small pup tent to myself. That’s all I ask for.” Ed looked at the cot and clapped his hands, which transformed it into something that more closely resembled a bed.

“You’re not just a state alchemist this time,” Roy said. “You’re also a lieutenant colonel.”

“Yeah? So now that I’m a high-ranking officer, I have to share a tent instead of get one to myself? And with you?”

Roy drew a transmutation circle on his bed to transform it as Ed had done with a clap of his hands. “I don’t snore, and I promise you that your innocence is safe with me.” Roy smirked at him as he changed into his boxers and a t-shirt.

“Who said I still had it?” Ed asked with a smirk of his own as he settled into bed, already changed into his boxers and t-shirt. He caught the look of surprise on Roy’s face, and there was a definite pondering on the part of the older man, as though he was trying to determine who it had been. “You wouldn’t know him.”

Unfortunately, Ed realized with that statement, he had revealed a bit more about himself than he’d intended. To his relief, there was no remark, no look of shock from the older man. Though he remained reluctant about sharing the tent with his commanding officer, afraid of what the night could bring, would most likely bring, Ed decided that sleep was far better than possibly putting his foot in his mouth any further.

Like most nights, that sleep was troubled by his past. Tonight, it was the death of his mother—surprisingly, not one of the most prominent nightmares he suffered, but one that usually left him whimpering in his sleep like the child he’d been when it had happened. To Ed’s surprise, he felt arms wrapped around him and a hand at his hair as he awoke. He looked up to the uncovered coal black eye, afraid to see judgment there.

To his shock, Roy just smiled, not letting Ed go. “I wondered whose nightmares would wake us up first. Good thing I didn’t lay bets on it, because I’d have said it would have been mine.”

********

Roy didn’t even realize he’d fallen asleep until he heard the sound of footsteps entering the room, followed by tiny sniffles.

“Daddy…” the voice said, pathetically.

Roy cracked open his eye and saw his son looking at him, looking lost and very confused. And why wouldn’t he? Roy wasn’t asleep in his bed. He was asleep on the floor of the library while using his ex-boyfriend as his pillow.

“Dad… I…” the boy looked very embarrassed, particularly as he saw Ed rallying beside Roy. “I had an accident.” Roy knew that for a boy his age, especially one who’d never had a problem with bedwetting, this was just shy of humiliating to admit to his father, let alone with Ed there as well.

“It’s okay, Liam,” Roy said, moving from the floor, his entire body stiff. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

“I’ll take care of the bed,” Ed said quietly, so that only Roy, who was close enough, heard him. Roy wanted to argue, but decided it was best to spare his son further embarrassment as he stood and led Liam into the downstairs bathroom. He passed by Ed’s namesake in the hall, who was giving him an almost accusatory glare as he guided Liam into the bathroom.

“Were you having a sleep over with Ed?” Liam asked, innocently as Roy got a washcloth ready with warm water and some soap.

“Something like that,” Roy said. “Ed’s going to help get that mark off your back. He knows how to do it.”

“Will it hurt like it did to get it?” There was genuine fear in Liam’s eyes. The kind of fear Roy would expect if the torturous experience was exactly as Ed had said.

“Ed said we can put you to sleep,” Roy said. “And then you won’t feel anything.”

“Good,” Liam said with a relieved smile as he pulled down the wet pajama pants and handed them to Roy. He then took off the shirt, and Roy had to wince as he saw the large dark circle on his back, particularly now that he knew it didn’t necessarily have to be completed.

“Do you want to tell me about your nightmare?”

“N-not really,” Liam said, taking the washcloth from his father and wiping down his legs.

“It could help to talk about it,” Roy said. “Was it about when your mother gave you that?” He touched his hand over the dark brown marking. It never failed to surprise him that it was as smooth as the skin elsewhere on the boy’s back. He expected it to be raised or indented somehow.

“No,” Liam said after he finished wiping off. Roy grabbed one of his under shirts that he kept stored in the little closet and pulled it over Liam’s head. Now that his son was living here, he was going to have to keep some of the boy’s clothes down here too.

“Something else you saw at your mother’s house?” Roy asked, receiving a small nod in reply. He ran some water in the sink and let the pajamas soak in it.

“Please don’t make me talk about it,” Liam said, his body shaking.

“We don’t have to right now,” Roy said. He rung out the pajamas and then dried his hands before bending down to pick up his son and hold him close. “For now, let’s see if you can get some sleep.”

“Can I sleep in the big bed with you?”

Roy kissed his son’s temple as he carried him from the bathroom. “If you want to.” Limbs that were just a little too long to be held anymore tried to hold on as father carried son up the stairs and toward Roy’s bedroom.

“His bed’s clean,” Ed whispered as they passed.

“Thank you,” Roy told the young man. “I really do appreciate that, but he wants to sleep with me tonight.”

Liam turned his head to look at Ed. “You can too… It’s a big bed. More comfortable than the floor.”

Roy tried to convey to Ed through a look that he wouldn’t mind regardless of the young man’s decision. A part of him desperately wanted Ed to join them, though he knew it would only further complicate things. Somehow, comforting Roy’s son by being a protective presence went far beyond what was nearly started by the kiss in the kitchen.

********

Ed looked between the little boy, whose brown eyes practically pleaded for the extra protection of another person, to the father who obviously seemed to be leaving this decision up to him.

“Fine,” Ed said. “Anything would be better than the floor.” He saw the faintest smile on Liam’s face as they all headed to the master bedroom. If things had gone differently, this wouldn’t seem so strange. Had Roy just told him about the boy’s existence, Ed could have been a stepfather of sorts to Liam. That thought seemed very strange, as Ed hadn’t even contemplated the idea of having children at any point in his life.

If things had gone differently with Roy, he would have inherited one by virtue of his lover. Then again, as far as kids went, Liam wasn’t a bad one to get saddled with.

Following behind the older man, Ed pulled a face at his own thoughts. Calling being a father figure to Liam being “saddled with” the boy certainly reinforced Roy’s reasoning not to tell him. It still didn’t justify it, but Ed could recognize that he didn’t care for his own thought processes at the moment.

Roy let Liam pick where he wanted to sleep, and the boy chose the middle, but looked to Ed to make sure it was okay with him.

“There are some pajamas that might fit you in that drawer,” Roy said, pointing to the dresser. Ed nodded and opened it, surprised to find that the half of that same drawer that had been his remained empty. Roy hadn’t even let his own clothing spread out. It remained tightly folded and packed into the half of the drawer that had been his. Ed grabbed a pair of pants and tossed over Roy’s favorite set before heading into the bathroom to get changed.

He stripped down to his boxers and tank before pulling on the pajama bottoms. They were a bit big for him, but they would work. Stepping out of the room, Ed spotted Roy in the middle of changing. It had been a few weeks since he’d seen the man shirtless, and Ed somewhat suspected that Roy had not been eating much in the last few days. He looked like he’d lost a few pounds. Still, as he stood there, Ed took in the body and all of its scars. People liked to imagine Roy had a flawless body, but in reality, he was as scarred as Ed, except none of his were localized to a mechanical arm and leg. Being a fire alchemist had given him his fair share, as had serving in countless battles, but the most damage had been done by the fuhrer and Archer. The scar on his face was not ugly, but it was definitely there and very hard to avoid the first time a person saw it. The wound on his shoulder had never properly healed, and it left visible scarring front and back. It was a miracle that the older man had survived that night.

Ed tried to repress the stirring of old feelings, of old concern as he watched Roy pull on his clothing.

Roy was fully clothed in the green pajamas before he noticed Ed at the doorway. If he realized that Ed had been standing there all along, he didn’t say so. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Roy asked.

“The kid looked like he wouldn’t mind the extra protection. Ed tossed his clothes over the rocking chair in the corner, or rather where it had been. He had forgotten he’d taken it with him to the apartment—he still couldn’t call it his apartment, but it was feeling slightly like home now.

“Sorry,” Ed said, going to pick it up.

“Leave it,” Roy said. “Doesn’t matter.”

That was definitely not something Ed would have heard before, but this was a different Roy, a defeated Roy. Even if they weren’t together, Ed wanted to do something about that. It wasn’t good for Roy and it sure as hell wasn’t good for his son.

“Get into bed,” Ed told the older man. He climbed beneath the covers of the bed.“We’re going to need rest. And we’ll get Al to help, since the cat obviously loves him and likes me well enough. Going to be hard to explain that we will have to shave him.”

As though on cue, Ed the cat hopped onto the bed and settled himself at the top of the bed, above Liam’s head. Then, to Ed’s surprise, the boy moved toward the new warmth in the bed. Roy climbed into the bed with them, pulling Liam over toward him. The look on Roy’s eyes was apologetic, as though he was saying he was sorry to Ed over his son’s unconscious actions.

Ed really didn’t mind. More than once he’d needed comforting growing up from troubles that soft words could help, but a hard suit of armor hugging him just couldn’t make go away. Roy gathered Liam into his arms and Ed subconsciously shifted just a bit closer to the family next to him as he began to fall asleep.