Fullmetal Bebop

Disclaimer: I don’t own either series. And believe you me, it breaks my friggin heart. *I think an Article #22 is when you withdraw from the military. If it isn’t, it will be for this story^-^


“So this guy, Maes, is your cousin?” Jet asked, his thick brows furrowing. “I thought you didn’t have any family.” Spike smiled. “The less known about me and mine, the better, don’t you agree, Running Rock?” Jet shrugged. “Whatever you say, Swimming Bird.” Faye stood up from the couch and walked stealthily around the stew pot. “Well if cousin Marty is coming to arrest us, we may as well eat the rest of the stew. We can get more food in jail,” she reasoned, staring at the now lukewarm stew. Jet glared hatefully at her. “You aren’t even worth my breath,” he muttered.

“Ok, focus on me again everyone. The bounty on our heads is...three and a half billion woolong,” Spike said and covered his ears. Staring out at Faye and Jet, he saw mouths moving up and down, faces coloring red, and arms flailing. He took his hands off his ears and stared in amazement when Faye cuffed Jet hard across the face.

“Fucking idiot! You killed a whole family for only $15,000!” she screamed, preparing to cuff him again.

Jet caught Faye’s arm and wrapped it around her back and placed her in a Half Nelson. “First of all, I didn’t kill anyone. Second of all, the bounty was on one person. Third of all,” he said, bending Faye’s arm nearly to the breaking point, “Don’t EVER fucking touch me again, even with my permission!” he pushed Faye away from him, causing her to nearly tip over the pot of stew. Ed ran fast to catch the pot from completely falling over, but causing Faye to fall in an undignified heap on the floor. She rubbed her arm and neck and stared incensed at Jet but was smart enough to keep quiet. Spike had resigned to sit on the steps and smoke to watch Jet beat Faye up.

“Are you two assholes done yet?” Spike flicked away his cigarette and stared at the two dueling crewmates. Neither of them spoke so he did. “Maes is going to help us. He’s going to explain to his superior that we are innocent.” Faye let out an ugly and harsh sounding laugh. “Yeah right, like that’s going to work. What could he possibly say? ‘Oh Mister Colonel sir, please spare my cousin and his crew! They’re innocent, believe me!’” she squealed in a high pitched voice, waving her arms around for effort.

Spike itched to slap Faye. She was always a bitch but today, she could have won an award for it. The Best Supporting Bitch on a Bounty Hunting Ship goes to....Faye Valentine! Faye, please come up here to get pimp slapped by our host, Spike Spiegel! Spike smiled at the thought of belting the loud, bossy, whiny woman right in one of her green-blue eyes. Perhaps turn it into a black-blue eye.

“Faye, for once, just shut the hell up. Maes will do what he can. Oh, and our visitors are well studied in alchemy, so don’t try anything stupid.”

Jet’s mouth dropped open. “Alchemists? So they must be from-”

“Amestris.” Faye said in a deadpan voice. Everyone looked quizzically at her, wondering what she knew about Amestris. She shrugged. “Whitney and I lived on Amestris for about a year. When I was there, there was a buzz about some Eric kid. They said he was a genius and let him in their military when he was like 5 years old.”

Spike snickered. “His name is Edward Elric, he was 12, and he’ll be here in...38 minutes,” he said after checking his watch. Faye’s face dropped. “Great. I’m going to be arrested by a child.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roy stared out of the windshield of the Trisha-1903E. It was Edward’s ship, of course named after his mother. It was the best ship in the Amestrian army, and was hand crafted by one, Edward Elric. Roy sighed and sat down at one of the pilot’s seats. It had been nearly nine months since he and Ed called their relationship quits, and Ed moved out of his house. It was strange coming home and not having golden eyes meet him, finding honey colored hair clogging the shower drain, or seeing leather clad thighs that invoked early morning lovemaking before work. The relationship, after almost three years ended and even though the split was amicable, Roy still harbored some resentment. Ed wanted to be a ‘normal’ 20 year old and date other guys, drink, and party. Roy, who was 29, had seen all he needed to see and wanted someone who was domesticated and willing to spend quality time with him at home, away from the boisterous crowds of people. He and Ed were simply at different stages in their lives, but Roy always held on to the hope that Ed would sow as many wild oats as possible (an easy feat to do when there was hundreds of military men who were enraptured by Ed) and then come back to him, ready to settle down.

Roy felt a warm hand on his shoulder and knew it was Ed. “Yes?” he asked in a soft voice, relishing the small bit of contact he was receiving. Maes chuckled and gripped his friend’s shoulder. “Sorry buddy. It’s not him.” Roy frowned and continued looking out the windshield. “Arrival time at the Bebop is approximately 14 minutes. Is everyone prepared?” Roy asked, turning slightly to look at Maes. Maes nodded. Roy nodded also and turned back around. “Sick bastards. How could they possibly whack an entire clan? That had to be atleast twenty or so people.” Maes climbed into the set next to Roy and looked at him. “Maybe they didn’t do it.” Roy let out a laugh and smiled at his friend. “You’re funny. But remember a surveillance tape caught them doing it. There’s no way they’re getting away from me. And when we come home, I’ll be a Lieutenant General and you’ll be a Brigadier General. Won’t that be fun?” Roy asked, winking at Maes. Maes chuckled lightly and rubbed his hair. Roy was always looking for ways to promote to Fuehrer, and this was the easiest opportunity they had come across in a long time. He just hoped that Roy would be decent enough to listen to his cousin’s innocence and not turn him in just for the rank, regardless if Spike was innocent or not.

“Everyone suit up or put on alchemy gloves, whichever applies to you. We will be connecting to the Bebop in approximately 140 seconds. Don’t be a hero, just do your job. 10-4.” Ed’s voice boomed through the Trisha’s intercom. Roy sighed and put on his alchemy gloves, flexing his fingers. “Ready?” he asked Maes, standing and removing a tuft of cotton from his friend’s uniform. Maes nodded and prayed that no one would get hurt. Well, that Faye person could, but everyone other than her can be spared.

“They’re preparing to connect to us,” Jet spoke aloud to no one in particular. The rest of the Bebop crew had been idling around waiting on Maes and minions to come to ‘arrest’ them. Spike and Jet had given up trying to keep Faye from the soup pot and let her eat as much as she wanted, which was surprisingly not that much at all. Faye held her bowl in her lap and chewed thoughtfully. She could play the helpless vixen role and perhaps woo whoever it was that wanted to turn her in for the bounty. She unbuttoned her already revealing shirt and slapped her chest to make her bosom look rosy and inviting.

“Put your tits away; Maes is already married.” Spike killed all of Faye’s hopes of becoming acquitted without trial.

She frowned. “What about the other men?”

Spike chuckled and smiled genuinely at Faye. “Well, as far as I know, one is METAL and two are homos.”

Faye counted on her fingers. “You’re leaving two out, asswad. Is one for you?”

Spike walked up behind Faye and shoved her hard off the table she was sitting on. “Oops,” he said in a nonchalant tone, still grinning.

Faye opened her mouth to yell but the look on Jet’s face told her to chill out for a few. Jet was NOT pleased, and one more utterance from her might drive Jet to the edge and lo and behold, the Amestrians would stumble upon yet another crime scene. Jet walked over to the loading dock door and frowned back at Faye and Spike. “Can you all act like adults until we get these shitheads to leave us alone?”

“Yeah, I guess I can be a lady.” Faye grumbled and then flopped on the couch, glaring at Spike.

Spike silently nodded.

Ein barked.

Ed picked her nose and ate her boogers after close inspection.

Everyone else stared at her and emitted an “EWWWWW,” in unison.

Jet shuddered and made the necessary preparations to make sure the Trisha and the Bebop connected properly so that things would go smoothly as possible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Roy, Ed, Riza, Al, Maes, and Alex all stepped off of their ship onto the bridge to head to the Bebop. Riza held in her hands case files on all of the members of the Bebop crew as well as the surveillance tape. Each manila file had a picture paper clipped to it, but she had already memorized who was who and what they looked like. She also had overheard Maes talking to Spike on the telecomm a few hours ago and knew the two men were related. She believed Spike and his crew to be innocent; anyone with eyes could tell on the surveiliance tape that the people seen killing the Kozoku family looked nothing like the pictures of the Bebop crew. All of the crew had outstanding warrants on them, but nothing serious. Staring at the back of Roy’s head, she felt a sudden urge to smack him. She realized he was only going to sacrifice these strangers so that he could be promoted faster.

“Asshole,” she muttered, making them all stop in their tracks.

“Did you say something, Hawkeye?” Roy said, already sounding defensive.

“Sir, no sir,” Riza said, saluting. Roy nodded and they all continued on toward the Bebop.

“Back away from the fucking door!” Jet ran and jumped over the couch when he heard a blast and saw two short blonde haired women jump over the rubble from the door. He rolled his eyes and thought ‘They could have knocked.’ Rubbing his eyes, he looked and noticed the woman in the red cloak wasn’t a woman at all but a very short and very cute young man. Jet smiled at the boy until he was pushed up against a wall and felt handcuffs go around his wrist. “I usually charge for bondage, but you’re cute, so I’ll make an exception.” Jet kidded as Ed pushed him harder into the wall. To be small, he was surely strong! Ed narrowed his eyes at Jet and pulled him over to the couch, where the rest of the crew was being held. Even Ein had chains around his legs preventing him from moving fast.

“I am Roy Mustang, Colonel of the Amestrian army. This Is Major Edward Elric, captain of the Trisha-1903E. This is Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye and Al-”Roy began, but Faye interrupted him.

“Yeah yeah yeah we know who you are. On with the ‘hey my cousin and crew are innocent’ spiel, ya?” Faye said, gesturing at Maes. Maes gave Faye a why-don’t-you-shut-the-fuck-up look, but it was too late.

“Cousin? Innocent? Maes!” Roy finished his two questions by barking out his friend’s name so sharply that everyone, even Jet and Spike, jumped. Maes smiled and fumbled with one of his knives and opened his mouth to answer but Riza stopped him.

“They’re innocent. Had you took the time to view the surveillance tape and check their pictures, you’d know they didn’t kill the Kozoku’s.”

Roy snatched the files and the tape from her and put it into the DVD and watched the crime. They saw a short fat man, a tall black haired woman, a tall baldheaded man, a tall black haired man, another woman who looked almost like Faye short from the fact the woman’s breasts were too small, and tall thin build man with long silvery hair.

“Vicious?” Spike and Maes asked in unison and confusion. Spike looked at his cousin, now understanding why he was asked if he was still in league with the Red Dragons.

“Vicious? Hawkeye, do we have a case file on someone code named ‘Vicious?’” Roy asked. Riza opened her digital database palm pilot to search the intergalactic records.

“That's not an alias. Vicious is his birth name. He dropped his last name before I knew him.” Roy looked over at the green haired man who was speaking. He walked over to Spike and grabbed the yellow collar of his suit, peering into his eyes. He noticed that one eye was red and the other was brown and smirked.

“Someone punched your eye out for speaking out of turn, I gather,” Roy said in his patent pending ‘I’m better than you so eat shit and die’ voice.

Spike smirked back at Roy. “Actually I was sucking dick for cash and the guy got a little excited.” Roy glared at Spike and cuffed his ears sharply. He raised his arm again when he felt an arm stop him. He looked at Major Armstrong, who looked almost...ashamed.

“I understand you want to elevate your rank, sir. But these people and the people on the video are not the same. Do you really want to drag down all these innocent lives?” He pointed at Ed (female), who was leaned over and playing with her own spit for amusement. “Clearly the child is retarded,” Armstrong pleaded. “She probably doesn’t even know where she is. She doesn’t deserve a life behind bars.” Ed rolled around on the floor and Ein followed suit.

Ed scratched his head. No, between the evidence from the videotape and the way these people acted they couldn’t have pulled off such a complex and grotesque crime. Ed walked over to Spike and stared at him, almost eye level with the man when he was crouched over. “You didn’t do it,” he muttered under his breath. Spike grinned widely at him. “Very perceptive for a midget.” The response to that statement was Ed slamming his fist into Spike’s stomach.

“You earned that one. He doesn’t like for people to call attention to his vertical challenge,” Maes said, not stepping in to defend his cousin. Spike wanted to cream both that smug ass Colonel and the pixie Elric, but for the sake of getting these army people away from them he resisted.

Riza was still in the corner reviewing the tape over and over again. Only Vicious had been positively ID’d. The others on the tape were fuzzy looking, almost like they weren’t real. One of the black haired men was visible, but she dismissed who she thought it originally was, because that person had been executed years ago. She tapped Al’s chest and pointed at the screen.

“Al, what do you think?” The young alchemist shrugged, making his metal squeak from the movement. He pointed at the screen and let out a small gasp.

“Is that-”

“No.” Riza’s voice was sharp, low, and hard. She wanted no mention of the man’s name, for fear that speaking his name would make his existence plausible again, which she hoped was impossible. The dead don’t walk, right?

Al turned away from the screen and saw how Roy and Ed were looking at Spike. Or rather how Roy was looking at Spike and how Ed was looking at Roy. He knew the Colonel and his brother had shared a relationship for quite a long time but that his brother wanted to be stubborn and ‘sow his wild oats’. Al felt bad for Roy, mainly because deep down Roy was a good man and treated his brother like gold. Al remembered the long talks with Roy about Ed, and the little surprises Roy would send to Ed when he was sick or discouraged from seeking the Philosopher’s Stone. Al looked down at the rosy cheeked little girl, the one Major Armstrong swore was retarded.

“Hello,” Al greeted her in a tentative voice.

Ed looked at Al and smiled widely, showing a missing tooth. “Your skin is made of metal!” she squeaked happily. Al chuckled and clapped his hands to remove Ed’s handcuffs.

“What are you doing?” Roy asked flatly, tearing his gaze from Spike. Al shrugged and continued to free Ed and then Ein.

“These two are obviously not a threat.”

“Me next, me next! I am like, so unthreatening!” Faye panted and rolled her eyes crazily, trying to wiggle closer to Al.

Al moved a couple of steps away from Faye and ‘hid’ behind Major Armstrong. “Yeah, we don’t think we want to let you go quite yet, cutie.” Ed quipped, chucking Faye under her chin. Faye snarled at the short alchemist and tried to bite his finger.

Jet looked apologetically at the militia. “She’s still hungry,” he explained. “I used to be a member of the ISSP. Being so, there are plenty of old comrades that can vouch for me. In fact, are you related to Bridget Mustang?” Jet directed his question toward Roy.

Roy’s face softened. “Yes, she was my aunt.” Jet frowned. “Was?” Roy sighed and turned his back for the first time since he got on the ship. “She was killed in a shoot out with some bounty hunters.” He whirled around, his glare bright. “Bounty hunters such as yourself.”

“For fuck’s sake, just arrest us or shoot us or something. Just don’t stand there and bitch anymore,” Spike grumbled and shifted uncomfortably in his handcuffs. Roy stared at him, not really knowing what to do. He nodded at Ed, who clapped his hands, making Jet, Spike, and Faye’s handcuffs fall off. “Make a move and get shot,” Riza warned, when Faye tried to get up.

Roy walked around the room, contemplating his next move. He really didn’t care about the bounty money; he wanted the rank elevation. He also promised Fuehrer Bradley that he would either catch the criminals who did this, or hand in his *Article #22. Since he had no intention of quitting the military, especially when he was so close to being Fuehrer, he had no choice but to continue the search. He mentally kicked himself for being so arrogant and trusting a damn surveillance tape, one he didn't even watch at that.

Spike and Maes both noticed the pained looks crossing Roy’s face. Maes slinked up beside his friend and pulled on his sleeve. “You didn’t happen to wage your whole career on finding these crooks, did you?” The silence was enough of an answer for Maes. He looked toward Spike and motioned for him to come and join them. Putting his arms around both of them, Maes grinned devilishly and huddled down close to both.

“If we work together, we can find these murdering bastards.”

Roy’s face froze in horror. He would never dare demean himself to work with a ruffian such as Spiegel! He glared at Maes hatefully until he saw Spike’s reaction. Spike nodded gaily and extended his hand to Roy. “Mi casa es su casa,” he said, grinning wide. Roy couldn’t believe he was extending his hand to join Spike’s. He also couldn’t believe how smooth and warm Spike’s hand felt. He realized he was holding it longer than what he meant to when everyone was staring at him, including Spike. Ed wore a particularly hateful glance on his face. Blushing, Roy let go of Spike’s hand, and ignored the sudden lustful gaze in the man’s eye.

“So we have a deal?” Maes asked, the excitement evident in his voice. Spike smiled and slapped his cousin on the back. “You saw me just shake the man’s hand, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, everyone saw.” They all turned and stared at Ed, whose arms were folded over his chest and lips pressed into a thin line. The jealous tinge in his voice was just a shade OBVIOUS, and Roy scowled at the alchemist. Sometimes Ed was mature, but his tank of scruples seemed to be running low. If Roy wanted to cozy up to someone, it was 100% none of Ed’s business. If Ed wanted him, he shouldn’t have done the ‘I need space and time and its not you, it’s me’ deal. Roy felt slightly invigorated, happy that someone else was paying him attention. Turning back to Spike, he smiled genuinely and nodded his head.

“Spike Spiegel, I look forward to assisting your crew with your search.”

Spike bowed slightly and smiled back. “Likewise. My name is just Spike though. And my crew will take 80% of the bounty.” Roy nodded. “Is that the only condition? Okay, that’s fine then.” Roy walked back to the loading dock, motioning for the other members of his crew to come with him. All but Maes walked out in a single file line, Ed in the back. When Ed reached the door, he gave Spike another glare, one that could rival the heat of the sun. Spike smiled and waved at the boy, who flipped him off.

“So now I know who the two gay ones are,” Faye murmured, staring at Spike. Spike batted his eyelashes at her and rubbed his slightly red wrists.

“I assume the Trisha will stay connected to us until we find Vicious and friends,” he spoke to Jet, lighting a cigarette. Jet nodded and took a draw of Spike’s cigarette, looking at the long white smoldering stick.

“That boy is cute,” he said, drawing again. Spike looked demurely at Jet. “I didn’t know you practiced the Zen arts of fellatio and anal sex.” Jet laughed and winked at Spike. “I didn’t know you did either.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vicious sat in his chair, feeding his peacock. He almost had to dispose of the fat short man called Gluttony, because he tried to eat his pet numerous times. All in all though, the day had gone well. Lin and Shin informed him that there was some ‘band of angels’ from Amestris looking for the murderers, but that the crew of the Bebop was their main target, due to the anonymous drop off of the surveillance tape. He knew eventually that they would be found out as the true culprits, but he wasn’t worried. By the time the truth was discovered, he would have the Philosopher's Stone, and he would be able to create a chimera, one made from all three loves of his life.

Walking over to his cabinet, he opened the heavy oak doors to stare at the three glass coffins, ones that would hold his objects of affection while the splicing would take place. He placed a hand over the middle coffin that contained the body that would become the living, moving, breathing chimera.

“Gren,” he whispered and lovingly kissed the glass.



>Interesting, huh?