Can't Take My Eyes off of You

Can take my eyes off of you

Chapter Two- You always hurt the ones you love.

Disclaimer: Tch…DBZ is not mine. If I have to say it one more time….

Author’s Notes: I am going to change the title of this story when I find a good one. Where this is going, the title doesn’t fit anymore. So… yeah.

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The days strain by, and each day, I feel like another piece of me is being ripped away and tossed into a black void of emotions. I’m afraid of that void, it makes me shiver and cringe, I don’t ever want to go near it. It compels me to come closer. I fight it, I really do, but it is strong. I underestimated it; I was wrong about the impact it would have on me.

It’s killing me. I literally feel like I’m dying. My heartbeat isn’t so lively anymore, my skin isn’t so tan. Pale as the moon and every bit as tired as I look.

Everyone notices. I know he does. I lie. What would I say? I try to act as if nothing bothers me, but then I’d have to be a different person. Wouldn’t that be good? Damn, it hasn’t been that long since I’ve started to avoid him, but it feels like too long, and I know it’s taking its toll on him.

I watch him. Though I know I shouldn’t. I see what I’ve reduced him to. I did it. Am I proud? No. Remorseful? Maybe. I suppose that was my intent. My intent comes at such a high price. I can barely afford it. I worry about him. He worries about me. What can we do? Nothing.

I don’t want to make him feel better. I don’t want him to think he can come to me with his troubles. I…want him to feel this way. It works for me, a little. It hurts like hell, but I know that I must do this. I have to.

I could have looked at someone else. My heart could have swelled and skipped several beats for another person. My dreams could have been filled with some nameless, faceless beings naked beauty.

Why did it have to be him?

It could have been anyone else.

Anyone.

Him. That’s what fate gave to me.

But I will fight it. I can. I have that strength, even though it’s hard to find right now. I’m weak, but I’ll manage. So far, I’ve done a good job of making him look like a whimpering bitch to get my attention. Good job.

He pines for my love. A son’s love. I can give him more or I can give him less. Less makes things normal; for me anyway. I couldn’t act like his son if I died trying. I used to be, but then I became something else. How do you tell your father something like that?

Oh sure, he’s Son Goku, I can tell him anything. Not this. He wouldn’t understand. He would try to deal with it the same way he deals with every other problem. With a radiant smile and some calm words that are pleasant to the ears. That won’t work in this situation. But don’t I wish it could.

I head to my room when I get home, and pass him in the kitchen making sandwiches. My walking nearly turns to running at the sight of him, even though I’m passing through, just being in the same room with him for any period of time is unnerving.

He looks up. I look down. I know he wants to say something, but he already knows the outcome. The door to the living room isn’t getting any closer. I’ve stopped. Why, I don’t know. I wait for something, maybe just to hear his voice. He says nothing for a long while, and I wait still, not knowing what I’m doing. I don’t look at him, though I’d give my fingernails to do so.

I want to scream. Loud. And tell him what I feel. I would do anything to just be with him the way I used to before I became what I am today. I wish I could hug him like I used to when I came home from school, play with him, wrestle with him, and talk. But, since all of those things became attached to something sexual or sensual, I can’t even enjoy them anymore.

I blame myself.

From the beginning it was me, all he did was be himself, and I couldn’t handle that. I blame myself. I’m a fool. What kind of person----

“I want to help, if you’ll let me.”

I forgot he was in the room. Hearing his voice makes my legs move and I walk away without the slightest indication that I had even heard. It’s cruel, I know it is, but I can’t bring myself to answer him for the life of me. If I opened my mouth, the truth would come out. And then things would be complicated. I hear him sigh behind me, and I just know he’s leaning over the counter with his head in his hands, tears in his eyes. I want to die. Oh, Dad, I love you. I love more than anything else in the world. But I can’t be with you. I’m sorry.

*****************

Mom has long since given up on trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, accepting that there is nothing she can do. Dad slowly learns to keep his distance, just about ignoring my presence.

I told him I hated him a few days ago. I didn’t mean it. My heart almost failed me as I said those words. Nothing has ever hurt so bad.

I don’t eat dinner the same time he does. Choosing to wait until I’m in school or when Mom is home to eat with her. I rarely see him, because of the great lengths I go to stay away from him. Oh but he’s so beautiful. When I do see him, I almost can’t fight off the heaviness in my legs that threaten to make me crumble to my knees.

He’s such a good man. Why am I doing this to him? I’m so damn selfish! I try to assure myself that things will get better, and soon, I will forget about this and I’ll be normal again. I gulp down the stale piece of bread.

I’d give anything for that.

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It isn’t as simple as I thought it would be. It isn’t making things better. And it isn’t making anybody happy.

I left the after-school program. I didn’t need it. I can’t think of anywhere else to spend time away from him. The woods are boring as all hell, and things don’t excite me as much as they would excite a normal teenager. I’m not a normal teenager.

I’m home right now, I couldn’t think of a thing to do. I avoid him like the plague. He looks at me with hurt in his eyes. It makes me want to cry. I don’t want to, but I have to. He would never understand what I’m going through.

Mom pretends she understands, but she has no idea at all. She’s convinced it a phase I’m going through and that it happens to all teenagers. I let her believe that, after all, she’s the last person I trust with this. She is the epitome of social primness, proper till the bitter end, and she isn’t going to change because I’m her son.

I’ve had a while to think about what’s happening to me. I know now what it is. I tried to deny it for a few weeks, but it’s not easy when it’s the very reason my entire life has changed. Everyday indecision eats away at me on whether I should tell him or not.

Closure would be good for him right now. It hurts my heart to see him so sad or confused as to why his only son suddenly stopped speaking to him. I don’t know what to tell him. I’m scared to death, even though I know I should have more faith in my father’s reaction.

Then there’s rationality. What would telling him do for me? It wouldn’t change anything and it might even make things worse. What am I going to do? I’ve considered running away, but it wouldn’t stop him from coming to find me. I can’t ever escape him. The only other option is death, but I’m not even thinking of that.

My best option is to tell him because…I’ll never know if I don’t try.

Dad is with Mom right now, now is not the right time. Tomorrow? Should I tell him tomorrow? For now, I’m just going to stay in my room until the growling in my stomach becomes too loud for me to sleep. I haven’t been right these past weeks. I haven’t been eating regularly and I haven’t been talking to anyone. I just haven’t been myself.

Dad wandered around the house for days, trying to talk to me every time he saw me, but I wasn’t having it. I blew him off every time I saw him, never wanting to even make eye contact or conversation if I absolutely didn’t have to. His face, so beautiful and pure, contorted in anguish, as he sat alone at the kitchen table one Wednesday afternoon, the day I quit after-school and came home early.

Tears were streaming down his face, sobbing softly, his back heaving with each intake or breath. My throat closed up, my heart clenched and my stomach shrunk. I almost hugged him then. But I didn’t. Instead, I used all of my willpower to walk past him and to my room. When I got there, I broke down and cried into my pillow. The pain was too much to bear. It was then that I decided that I couldn’t go on not speaking to him for the rest of my life. He had to know.

*********************

Tomorrow takes its sweet time coming, but when it does come, I wish it was yesterday. I don’t want to get out of bed for school, so I don’t. All of a sudden I feel sick to my stomach and I can barely blink because I’m so scared. Mom comes to check on me, I tell her I’m not feeling well. Nobody would feel well if they had the task I had today. She goes to work anyway, apprehensive than I won’t let Dad take care of me.

It takes another two hours to get over my sickness and with a little bit of everything left over, I slowly creep to the staircase. All is quiet downstairs. I don’t know what he does in his spare time, but I know he isn’t enjoying himself. When I enter the kitchen, he gets up to leave, as usual, but this time I find my voice to stop him.

“Dad.” He stops but doesn’t face me.

I swallow the ever present lump of fear in my throat and open my mouth to speak again. “We…I have to talk.” He stays still, listening and not wanting to push his luck by turning around.

“Uh, can you, uh, sit?” He finally lets me see his face. He’s frowning, his eyes are averted elsewhere and he’s cautiously making his way to the table.

Dear Kami look what I’ve done to him.
He sits in the chair without pulling it back, cramping himself into the tiny spot that must symbolize how uncomfortable I feel. I stand, not trusting myself to even get remotely comfortable. I want to stall, but I wouldn’t be making things any better, so I go ahead and begin what I want to say.

“I know that you don’t know why I suddenly stopped speaking to you one day. No reason, no closure. I know you think I don’t love you anymore, even though you don’t know why. But I do love you. I love you so much it hurts. And that’s the problem.”

He dares to look up at me, eyes a bit wider with confusion. He’s lost, but listening. “I don’t understand. You’re afraid to love me too much?”

“No.” I wave my hand. This is killing me.

“It’s not that. Not really. It’s….” I better get to the point before I back out and run away.

“A few months before this started…” I take in a shaky breath. My hands preoccupy themselves with digging my nails into the skin of my arm. Skin shreds under my nervousness, but Dad doesn’t seem to notice.

“I realized that I liked spending time with you.” He looks so lost, I almost want to blurt it all out now. But I’ll pace myself first. “I was happy, you know I was. Spending my days with you was the most I had to look forward to. Dad, I really couldn’t have asked for anything more. Things were perfect.”

“This isn’t making any sense, Gohan. You sound like you didn’t like being around me at all. One day you did then one day you didn’t. I don’t want to rush you, but do you think you can get to wherever this is going? I don’t understand, and you aren’t making it any easier.”

I know, I know. But if only he knew what I have to say then he would know how hard this is. Ignoring his request, I continue to build up to what I want to tell him.

“It was good. Too good. I started…liking it too much. Then I started to feel weird around you. It just happened one day, I can’t explain it. Then the way I felt about us spending so much time together changed. Something changed. I was looking at you in a different light.”

“Alright…. What’s wrong with that?” He asked, not getting it at all.

Damn, I think I may have grazed a vein. It wouldn’t be pleasant if I accidentally killed myself before I even said anything.

“Everything. I watched you Dad. I wasn’t supposed to be watching, I didn’t even know I was until I couldn’t remember what I was doing while I was watching you. I mean, like…when we train. And you ask me why I’m so distracted. I always tell you it’s nothing. I always lie to you. It was occurring to me that what I was doing was wrong. I didn’t know why I was doing it, but when I even got an inkling of an idea what was happening, I got scared. I had to somehow stop being with you at all costs. I couldn’t let what was happening happen. But, no matter how hard I tried, it happened. I don’t know what to do. It hurts me to see you in so much pain over me, because I was too stupid to keep my emotions in check.”

I pause to take a breath. I’m shaking. My voice is wavering. I’m on the edge of tears. He’s staring at me, with a strange look in his eyes. It isn’t confusion anymore. It’s anticipation. He is being patient in the time it’s taking me to get to the point. I know he still isn’t quite there yet, but he will be.

I need him to say something, anything, so I glance up at him, hoping he’ll say something.

“I’m sorry I made you feel…that way. Even though I still don’t know what that is. To me, it sounds like you’re afraid to like me, love me. I’m your father, it isn’t a bad thing.”

Don’t remind me. He’s so naïve, I don’t even think I can play around with the words.

“Was it something I did? Something I said?”

Yes and no. I don’t know.

“No, maybe, I don’t…I just realized that I was beginning to develop feelings that I shouldn’t have had, and it was scary, it still is. I couldn’t go on not telling you why I didn’t want to speak to you anymore. It’s nothing you did, but I don’t know whose fault it is. It just happened. I tried to stop it, I hoped it would go away if I avoided you. If I just stopped caring for you, it would go away. I couldn’t. I guess it would be stupid to ask if you could somehow forgive me and try to understand.” Tears sting the back of my eyes and flow freely down my face.

“Understand what?”

“Well, I took some time to think about it, and finally accepted what was happening to me. What has already happened to me...”

“That is?”

“I…I have somehow, someway, I don’t know how….but I…you can’t...”

“I can’t what? Tell me. I won’t be mad at you and I won’t hate you. Whatever it is, I’m sure we can fix it together.”

No we can’t. I’m only telling him now because I feel horrible for making him feel this way. This isn’t about making things better. Things can never again be better.

“I’m in love with you.”

He says nothing. He doesn’t move. He’s in shock. I wait for his delayed reaction, hoping that he replies soon. It takes a while but he finally blinks and frowns again.

“THAT’S why you’ve been avoiding me?” He asks quietly. I nod, feeling stupid for even having said anything. “Well Gohan, that’s….that’s…how did you---

“I don’t know, I told you. Really, it just happened. I’m only telling you so you’d at least know what was wrong with me. I thought you deserved to know that’s all.”

I have to leave. Maybe I’ll go to school, and not be caught dead in the house with him when Mom isn’t around. But he says something that stops me at the door.

“Will you continue to avoid me?”

I shrug. Don’t know. More than likely. “I don’t know what else to do. It’s weird, I can’t go back to the way things were----

“Why not?” I look at him. “Were you listening to me?!” I angrily demand. Maybe he didn’t hear right.

“I love you! You know what that means?!” “I know what it means, but what did you expect me to say? I don’t hate you, or think you’re weird. You’re just confus---

“Damn it! You know what, fuck you!!! Alright?! I was telling you because I felt bad, but you won’t even listen to me! I’m not confuckingfused! I know what I feel, don’t tell me! It’s all your fault! I didn’t do anything to deserve this!”

He gets up fast, mad now. “How is this my fault?! You’re the one that likes me for some reason. You won’t even tell me why. Cursing at me will get you nowhere fast, and expecting me to just take this in and forget about it isn’t going to happen! I told you, it doesn’t bother me as much as you think it does. You aren’t even willing to try--- “TRY WHAT?! I told you that’s the only reason I spoke to you at all!”

“What are you going to do then?”

“WHAT CAN I DO?!”

“Why don’t you try working with me for starters?”

“No, being near you is what got me into this mess in the first place. No matter where I am, I feel the same way. But please Dad, don’t try to help me. You can’t. There’s nothing you can do. Leave it alone now, but at least now you know that I’m doing this for my sanity. Would you rather I lose it and do something we’ll both regret?”

“Like what?”

My eyes widen.

“What? What do you mean ‘like what’? I’m not telling you! Don’t look at me that way, I said what I had to say, now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to school.”

“Wait, please Gohan. I…” He pauses. I know. He can’t do anything.

“All I need, is to stay away from you, and it’d be in your best interest to stay away from me. You don’t know what it’s like. Not only do I love you, but I want you. You know it isn’t right. I know it too. Stay away from me Dad, and we’ll get along fine.” I stalk out of the door as fast and as purposefully as I can and I am rudely snatched back by a strong hand that grips my arm. No!

“Let me go! No!” I struggle in his arms, kicking and using the other hand I have to swing, hoping to shatter his pretty face. Of course, as my luck would have it, he grabs that hand too and yanks me forward.

Suddenly the air explodes from my lungs as my stomach feels like it’s been sucked out from my back.

“Oh…” I wheeze. He has used a great deal of his strength to knee me in the midsection, bringing me to my knees in front of him. I can’t breathe anymore. I gasp for air, but none comes. Futilely, I try to get to my feet, but I only end up swaying dangerously and curling into a ball of agony, clawing at the floor.

“I didn’t want to hit you Gohan. But you’re just being so stubborn. Now listen to me.”

I want to move, but I can’t. That hit will probably incapacitate me any minute now; it hurt so much. I should have never told him. I should have suffered alone. I should have run away. I should have ignored him when I saw him. But it’s too late for that. He’s going to kill me. It’s a fate I welcome with open arms.

“How would you have known how I’d react if you didn’t tell me sooner? Do you know what you put me through?! This isn’t a game Gohan, if you felt inclined to tell me, you should have told me sooner and the result would have still been the same. But instead you put me through hell and back; you only thought that giving me hope and snatching it away was benefiting you. I don’t want you to think that I hate you! My feelings toward you have changed, yes. But you brought it on yourself. You made me feel like I needed you and it hurts! I have feelings! You didn’t care, as long as you got to keep yours inside! So? How did you feel making me cry? Was it fun for you? Did it hurt you? If you don’t tell me, how the hell am I supposed to help you?!”

“You can’t help me!” I gasp but it comes out nothing more than a whisper. I’m still fighting for breath. I didn’t like it, I didn’t enjoy it, and I didn’t want it! I knew I couldn’t make him understand. He’s angry with me, but I know I deserve it. I just wish he wouldn’t have hit me.

“Why not? I can….I…can give you what you want. You didn’t even bother to ask me if I could help.”

“You can’t love me.”

“Yes I can.”

“Go away.”

“No.”

“Leave me alone.”

“Gohan….”

“What?”

“Stop.”

After a few minutes of rolling around in pain on the floor, the urge to throw up subsides and I get to my knees.

“Stay where you are.”

“What?”

“Don’t move. I don’t want you leaving again.”

I don’t listen to him and get up, wobbling some and grasp the doorknob. He grabs me again. I should have seen that coming.

“Don’t touch me.”

“I’ll do to you whatever I want. After what you did, I shouldn’t even be speaking to you.”

I look down. He’s right. “Then why don’t you stop?”

“Because you need help.”

What is he trying to say? “Shut up.” I mumble.

He slaps me. I fall again. He’s angry. I’m not afraid of him. At least not what he can do to me, but what he can say to me. He can hurt me with only a few words; break my heart completely.

He grunts. I groan and get up again. I don’t want to hear what he has to say. But he’s so…beautiful. Now is not the time for that. Sooner or later, I had to tell him, even if now I’m suffering the consequences. I love him, I had to tell him. I couldn’t stand to see him so hurt over me.

“You want me Gohan? You can have me. Get up.” I’m up in a flash, eyes wide and mouth open.

“You can’t just do that!”

“Yes I can. In the time you’ve been ignoring me, I’ve seen just how much you mean to me and that I do love you and I wanted to do something to make you feel better, and I thought a kiss would make you feel worse.”

“You really wanted to kiss me?” He’s got to be lying. He wouldn’t want to do that. I’m dreaming again. That’s right, dreaming.

“Yeah, I, uh, I thought you wanted to stay away from me because you thought that the time we were spending together was making you think I was….you know.”

I smile. For the first time in months my face cracks into a familiar grin that makes him smile in return. Then I say something so horribly cliché and stupid. But, I’d really like to know.

“Tell me I’m not dreaming.” He laughs at me. I suck my teeth. I’m serious.

“No, you aren’t.”

“But, I…it’s wrong. You can’t. Mom---

“You want me to don’t you?” Well, yes, of course I do, but I want to be with him and I don’t want to share him with anyone else.

“Mom….”

“I don’t know Gohan. I really don’t.” My excitement dies down a little. I love Mom, but I love him and I want him. I don’t want her to be the one to keep him from me. I know it’s selfish and greedy and childish, but the way she treats him, I don’t believe she deserves him. She can be his wife, but he’s mine.


“Dad?”

“Yes?”

“Can I have a hug?”

“No.”

“Oh.” My heart is cracking.

“You can have this…” He leans down.

I don’t understand. He’s in my face now. Oh. His lips touch mine. Oh god. I push him away.

“No. Not like this. I want you to love me and not take pity on me because I feel bad. I need you, more than you know. It’s not right Dad, how can it be? I want to be able to kiss you when I want, where I want. I want to be with you the way you’re with Mom. Give me a chance.”

He stops. Pulls back. Looks confused. He has doubts. Fears. I can see it in his eyes. I do too. It scares the hell out of me. It isn’t easy. I’m asking for too much, I know. I’m selfish. Of course. I’m in love. It isn’t easy.

“Well…do…uh, do you need that now? You’re so young….”

I hadn’t thought of that. Well, maybe he does have a point. I’m fifteen. I still have so much time. But the feelings are strong now. Really strong. God I need him.

“I want you Dad. I want this. I just don’t want to force you to give it to me. We can…take our time, I guess. But…you don’t love me, do you?”

“No. I don’t know how I feel. I want to make you happy, and I know I can. Let me do this Gohan. I know what you think, but I’m ready if you are.

I don’t have to do this. All I wanted was for him to understand. I can’t and won’t ask for anything else. I’m free now and I’ve never been this happy in all my life. All the pain I’ve gone through, and all the pain I put him through makes me realize that I’ve got a lot to lose and if I waste my time watching it all fall apart, then I’ll miss the most important things in life. I could have lost him to my own selfishness. I let my life get so bad that I was willing to keep myself and others unhappy and I didn’t realize that my efforts to do so weren’t necessary.

I guess I should feel guilty and apologetic now. “I’m sorry. I really am sorry, Dad. I….” I can’t say I didn’t mean to because I did.

“I know, son. But don’t worry, we’ll talk later. I think you should go to school now that we know you’re not really sick.” We share a good snicker over that and he rubs my head just like old times. I can’t help but miss even that simple gesture. Just his hand on me, warm and reassuring is enough to bring tears to my eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m just happy, Dad.” Really happy.

This is only the beginning in a long and painful process. The hardest thing to overcome for both of us will be Mom. I don’t want to hurt her that way, that’s why this is going to be extremely difficult. It wasn’t like she did anything but cook and clean for Dad. He wasn’t happy. That’s one of the things that drew me to him.

The way he looked when he was around me and me only, happy and content. Then Mom would come and ruin the fun and that look would come across his face and he wouldn’t be as happy as he was before. He deserves to be happy and I think I deserve the chance more than she does to make him feel that way.

I go to school with a smile that doesn’t quit and an extra bounce in my step. Even though I know that things aren’t over yet, I still can’t help but feel glad and eager to face whatever is coming. I will fight for what I want with a passion that nobody will be able to stand up to.

TBC….

I know this looks like the end, but it isn’t; not even close. I don’t know how long this series will be, but I already have plans about the way I want it to come out. It will be different from the rest of my stories.