Young Man's Heart

“Gohan?? Gohan, are you alright?? Gohan! Shush, you’re
going to hurt yourself!”

If he had been able to, he would have snarled incredulously
back at the person, whose voice was familiar but he couldn’t quite place at that
exact second, “Shush your fucking self! I’m dying here!” But all he could do was
cough and tug ineffectually at the restraints that held him down so well.

“Here, Gohan. Shhhhh, here, drink this… Drink some water,
Gohan. Try and get a breath…”

He couldn’t see anymore, his eyes tearing up while the
wracking coughs took over all his higher functions, but he felt something
against his lips and he did as he was told, drawing desperately on the straw.
The results were not much better when he inhaled water down his windpipe. ‘Aw
Kami! I should just give up now and die! It would be better than prolonging this
horrible agony!’ His mind grumbled sarcastically as hands tried to tilt his head
up so that he wasn’t drowning in his own suddenly plentiful spit.

But finally the coughs subsided and he got some water down
his throat the right way. The whole incident had taken whatever reserves of
energy he had left and he didn’t even have the will to be angry anymore. He just
lay there, limp and miserable and in pain beyond anything he’d ever felt before.

“Gohan… Gohan, honey… Speak to me. Gohan? Are you ok?”

Slowly, Gohan opened his eyes and looked up at Videl’s
worried face. She smiled in relief, reaching out and stroking his face lightly
with her right hand. He didn’t want to be touched. His sensory perception was
already on overload from the pain radiating through him. Her happy yet concerned
features had no effect on him at all except to cause a bleak irritation. He
didn’t offer her the slightest smile or return her concern as was his normal
routine. It would take far too much effort to fake it at the moment.

“Why…” He croaked then swallowed then picked up the fallen
question again, just a pinch of hurt and worry carrying through in his voice.
“…am I tied down?”

Videl’s eyes flashed to the restraints and back to him
before flashing away again as if she didn’t want to look him in the eye.

“Well, Gohan. When we heard you were in the hospital, your
family and I, well, we came to get you.” She stopped and he thought that she
wouldn’t continue, but finally she did. When she continued, she looked back at
him in confusion and accusation. “When we came, you acted like you didn’t want
us here, like you thought we were going to…hurt you or something. Your dad had
to hold you down or else you would have torn off everything holding you here and
you looked like you would have run away.”

Gohan frowned, trying to fathom what she was saying. Time
seemed so strange and trying to think back before the moment he woke up was like
fishing through a murky pond for a shiny coin. He remembered…remembered… “What…”
He froze when, in the midst of his brain wracking, he felt something thud on the
bed next to his knee. He looked down at his secured legs and watched as
something jerked oddly under the white blanket. “What the hell is that?”

Videl grimaced oddly. “That’s a tail. Your dad was actually
kinda excited when he saw it. He tried to touch it and then you just went nuts.”

Gohan stared limply and the hidden appendage stopped
moving. “My tail grew back?” He could remember that, it hurt so much and now he
recognized just what that particular pain had been. He’d been having a
nightmare…and all those voices talking all at once, yelling, yelling at him, at
each other, all the chaos…and the pain…and then hands…hands on his poor
tail…hands holding him down…hands ng tng to hurt him…and then… The doctors and
nurses must have heard the ungodly ruckus that his family was making and come
and made them leave. He remembered the soothing voice of that nice doctor making
him feel better. All at once Gohan snorted, a dark look flowing over his
features.

“It’s little wonder I have nightmares the way you all storm
around screaming and yelling and…touching...”

Videl glared, insulted and taken aback by the tone of
Gohan’s raspy voice. “What?! We wouldn’t even be in this mess if you’d just
taken a damn sensu! I can’t understand why you refused. Why, Gohan? Why did you
refuse our help? Did we do something? Damn it, Gohan! Don’t be so childish with
something like this. Take the damn sensu first, then you can be mad at us!”

He’d refused a senzu? For a moment he was confused again.
Why in the world would he do that? Anything was better than the horrible all
encompassing agony that he endured while this woman yelled at him.

“ChiChi was so hurt. How could you do something like that
to your own mother? Honestly, I don’t know why she takes these things, from you
*or* your father. You’ve got a great mom there, but neither of you appreciate
that.”

It came back slowly. His mother’s voice, so concerned, so
worried. But he’d been so peaceful and collected. Everything had been so clear
and he had refused…because…yes. It made sense now. Not perfect sense…things
weren’t as crystal clear anymore, but after some silent consideration, Gohan
decided that, yes, he would stand by his earlier decision. That this pain…might
just be worth it. It would only last for a little while, right? He wished that
he could regain that calm peace of mind that he’d had earlier. It had made
everythingmuchmuch easier, so much clearer. And Videl kept on berating him and
now his father too and it made him feel guilty and it made him want to turn away
but he couldn’t because he was tethered down. He had to endure the lash of her
tongue when he was already dazed by everything else piled on his ruined
shoulders. A small but sharp voice popped up in the back of his mind. ‘Why do
*I* take things like *this*?’ The reply was simple. ‘Because I have to.’ The
voice replied without a pause and that made him actually think about it. ‘No I
don’t.’

In an attempt to draw her attention away from reprimanding
him and also in the hope of gaining some relief, he tried to change the subject.
“Videl…could you get a nurse for me…please…it really…hurts.”

Videl scoffed. It wasn’t a surprising scoff. She was very
good at scoffing, always had been. Got it from her father, Gohan assumed. “If
you just took the sensu then it wouldn’t hurt. Just take it so we can go home
already.”

That stung and Gohan closed his eyes, but that action
immediately transported him back to the scene of his crime where one blue eye
and one red eye stared at him in horror. It brought sudden stinging tears to his
eyes which opened quickly to stare up at the florescent lights on the white
ceiling. If they were so annoyed with him, if he was such a burden, then why the
hell were they here? They didn’t have to be here, he would have understood if
they left. It would probably be better that way. Hs a s a disgrace and a failure
and a disappointment. They should all just go away instead of witnessing the
full glory of his worthlessness.

“You don’t have to be here.” He whispered, his voice
rasping for reasons other than his dry throat. “You can go home. Just go home.”

Again, Videl was taken aback, but angrily this time. Damn
the female psyche, it is much much more than an invalid in a hospital could ever
take. “Gohan! How can you say that to me?!”

“Could you please get a nurse, Videl.” He asked again,
trying to avoid the row that was coming.

“No, Gohan! You want me to leave? Is it so wrong for me to
care about you?! I’m worried, Gohan! That’s why I’m here! You can’t just tell me
to go away!”

Gohan wasn’t in any condition to deal with this and that
voice way deep down in the back of his mind kept saying that he didn’t have to.
So, unlike his usual self, which he concluded could be put aside for a little
while since he was in such an extraordinary situation, he actually listened to
that little voice for once. He knew that there was a call button somewhere
around here…if he had a free hand he could find it and get a nurse.

“Could you untie me, Videl?” He asked in a small voice that
barely mad pas past her angry posturing.

That’s when the sarcasm started. “Oh, I don’t know, Gohan.
You might run away from the evil monster who sat at your bedside all night
waiting to see if you were alright.”

‘Why does everything I say lead to something terrible?’ He
sighed internally. All he wanted was some relief from the nightmare that he was
in. ‘That’s what this must be, a nightmare. I’m stuck in a nightmare.’ Well, if
this was a nightmare, then it really wouldn’t matter what he did, it would all
end up badly anyway. Throwing pride and self control and courtesy to the wind,
he used his last resort.

“Hello?” His throat cracked so he swallowed and tried
again, managing to get a little more volume this time. “Hellooo? Is there a
nurse around?” He called, his voice almost echoing into the hall. Videl
spluttered and glared angrily, absolutely aghast that Gohan would do such a
thing, yelling over her as if what she was saying wasn’t in the least bit
important. Plus, he was making her look bad.

“Hellooo, anybody? Please…could I see a nurse?”

“Gohan! Hush! This is a hospital! Stop yelling!” Videl
hissed at him in disbelief.

“Yes?” A white and red clad young lady stuck her head in
the door. “Can I help you?”

Gohan sm in in relief, so happy that there was *someone*
here in his nightmare besides Videl. “Oh, yes. Thank you. I’m sorry about the
noise…” If he could, he would have stuck one hand behind his head as he laughed
nervously. “Could you please help me? It really hurts…” He pleaded with that
bright smile still in place. “If I could move, I’d probably be writhing in
agony. Please…?”

The candystriper’s eyes widened from the oddly contrasting
expressions on Gohan’s face. “Oh! Yes, I’ll get someone right away. Don’t you
worry. Just be a moment.” Then she was gone and Gohan finally felt he could
relax a little. It would go away soon…that’s all he wanted.

Meanwhile, Videl was simmering, but at least she was doing
it quietly. It was a minute before she spoke up again and her voice was icy
cold. “Fine, Gohan. I’m going home. When you’ve gotten better and in your right
mind again, you can come find me.” Then she turned on her heel and stalked out
of the room. Gohan watched her go. It hurt, watching her walk away, but it was
better this way. It hurt just as much to have her stay and he was already
hurting too much. He lay his head back and just concentrated on breathing,
trying to endure the fire that was expanding through his body from his shoulder.

A few minutes later someone came into the room and Gohan
turned his head, only to blink in surprise. The man from urgent care had come,
bringing with him a little plastic box with some plastic wrapped utensils in it.
The man smiled kindly and Gohan felt worlds better just because of that. “Hi
there. Gohan, right?”

Gohan smiled back, his lips only a little crooked from the
pain. “Yeah. I didn’t think they sent doctors to deal with the less serious
patients.”

The man smiled. “Oh, I’m not a doctor. I’m an orderly. I do
everything around here. I haven’t gotten my degree yet.”

That actually made Gohan happier, knowing that he’d get to
see this nice guy instead of dealing with someone like that other doctor who was
so sharp and terse.

“So, Gohan, how do you feel? Been a rough time, I know.”
The orderly sat down in the chair that Videl had exited.

“It hurts…” As if in punctuation of his statement, Gohan
shifted the tiniest bit and sharp shooting pain lanced through him. The word
“hurts” trailed off in a hissing squeak and he tugged instinctively at the
shackle on his right arm, trying to reach for the pain. Huffing in frustration,
Gohan went limp again. “Do I…have to be tied down?” He asked quietly, expecting
his worst fears to be realized.

The orderly smiled reassuringly and set down his box,
reaching down and un-strapping Gohan tenderly. “No, of course not. It’s just
that you were a bit excitable after surgery and we didn’t want anything to
happen to you. I think you’ll be fine now.”

The bonds were gone and with them went part of Gohan’s
anxiety. Then the orderly took a package from the box and opened it to reveal a
shiny syringe. “A little pain is normal after undergoing the kind of surgery
that you had. Maybe a little more than just a little, huh?” He looked
sympathetic and Gohan nodded weakly.

“Yeah…if this is a little…damn. I feel like I’ll never move
again.” Gohan grumbled, watching as the orderly injected the contents of the
needle directly into his vein. “What is that?”

“Oh, it’s a little something to dull the pain and help you
to ignore it. We’re not supposed to use too much, but after what you’ve gone
through, ink ink that you’ve earned it. You should feel it start to work pretty
quick.”

And the orderly was right. Already, Gohan could feel that
familiar warm numbness flowing over his body. “Oh…that’s morphine, isn’t it? I
remember that from the ambulance… I like that stuff…”

The orderly laughed. “Yeah, just so long as you don’t like
it too much. I saw that girl leaving. She your girlfriend?”

Gohan was staring at the ceiling, the drug already bringing
with it that peace of mind that he so wanted just a few minutes ago. He smiled
wistfully, letting the stuff take over quite willingly. “Her?” He paused and let
that little voice in the back of his head come out as it so rarely did. “To tell
the truth…I don’t know what she is. But she’s definitely her father’s daughter.”

“She looked pretty mad. Definitely one that you want to
skirt when you see her coming. At least, that my imy impression when she passed
me.”

Gohan shook his head, remembering all the things she had
said. It gave him a brief stab of guilt and sorrow, but it didn’t really stick.
That inner annoyance did, though. “She can be mad if she wants to be. She’ll get
over it. If not…then I guess she won’t.”

The orderly laughed again. “A good philosophy. A very good
one where women are concerned, at least. Now, you aren’t going to try and wander
off, are you?”

Gohan chuckled. “Nope. I won’t try to leave. I think I’m
quite content right here and I don’t think I’m going anywhere soon, anyway,
right?” He looked up at the orderly, that wistful smile deepening a little.
“You’ve been really nice to me. I just wanted to say thank you.”

The orderly smiled brightly again and patted Gohan’s good
shoulder. “You’re a nice guy, Gohan. I can tell. Sometimes all we need is for
someone else to extend that courtesy.”

Gohan nodded sagely and then another question popped into
his head. “Did they really put a metal bar in my shoulder?”

The orderly paused and picked up the chart at the foot of
the bed, flipping through it. “Ah…I see…” He came back to Gohan’s side and
trailed a slim finger along the collarbone of the demi’s still good shoulder,
stopping just before the shoulder joint. “This bone was shattered by the bullet
as it entered. It entered at an angle…and exited here…also part of the scapula
had to be repaired here. The surgeon had to replace most of the collarbone and
reinforce it up to here…” He moved his finger up past the midpoint of the bone
almost to the center of Gohan’s chest. “And he had to replace the ball joint of
the shoulder here and then reattach the tendon to the bone lower down here...”

Gohan watched that slim, finger trail over his bare
shoulder, only just realizing that he wasn’t wearing a shirt. It *would* be
kinda hard to get a shirt over his left shoulder the way it was bandaged, he
thought vaguely. “That…sounds like a lot of work… It would have been easier to
just take it off…” Gohan felt himself starting to slow dagaiagain. It was
so…relaxing. Very welcome after his usual high strung state of being. “When I
first looked at it…in that tile room…I thought it *was* gone.”

The orderly squeezed his good shoulder. “No way. We’re
capable of such great things nowst yst you wait. In a few months, you’ll be good
as new and you’ll be glad that you still have it.”

There was a scuffle at the door and the orderly turned to
see what it was. There at the doorway was Goku, peering in uncertainly. “Hi.”

The orderly smiled warmly at him. “Hello, Mr. Son.” He
turned back to Gohan, smartly removing the needrom rom sight. Wouldn’t want
another “Son episode” like what happened earlier when the young demi had to be
restrained in his nightmare. Goku had nearly taken the wall down when he’d seen
the syringe. “I’ll be back to check on you in a while, alright, Gohan?” He
gathered up his little box and headed toward the door. Just before leaving, he
stopped to speak softly to Goku. “I’ve given him something for the pain. He
might be a bit…fuzzy, but otherwise he’s fine. He’s a strong boy.” Then the
orderly was gone and Goku walked hesitantly over to the bed.

There was a slight discomfort in Gohan’s stomach which he
couldn’t quite figure out. When his father was close enough to look down at him,
he realized it was a very numb and distant feeling of dread. ‘Huh, strange…’ He
looked up at his dad silently, taking in the hesitant stance and expression. It
was the same kind of stance that he gave to ChiChi after being gone with no word
for a week or when Vegeta got all pissed off and reamed him for some reason.

“Hi, Gohan. How ya feelin?” He asked, his normal cheerful
smile not offsetting the restraint that Goku was obviously feeling.

Gohan thought about it and realized that he wasn’t in pain
anymore. He felt heavy and a little tired but not really. The biggest change was
that the horrible anxiety had eased. “I feel better.”

“I saw Videl, she seemed pretty mad.”

Gohan rolled his eyes, feeling pleasantly free suddenly. He
would have shruggf hef he could. “She’s always mad about something. Just like
mom. Maybe the two of them should date and leave me out of it.”

Goku blinked and took a moment to decide if he had actually
heard that right. “Er…” Then he laughed, scratching the back of his head. “You
know…I wonder if they’d be happier…” Then he shawayaway the strange picture and
looked to his son again. Goku’s eyes landed on the bandaged portion of his
shoulder and side. “Sure seems like a lot of damage from such a tiny thing. I
couldn’t believe it when I heard. *Are* you ok, Gohan?” He sat down on the edge
of the bed.

Gohan looked away. He didn’t want to look his father in the
eye. He didn’t want to tell him yet again that he’d failed, that he’d let down
his guard to the point that some human with a human weapon could harm him. “I’m
sorry, dad.” He whispered. The feeling of a hand on his chest brought his eyes
to his father’s. Goku was smiling at him but Gohan could still see the worry in
his eyes.

“Everyone slips once in a while. It’s normal. Sometimes I
hold too much back when I spar with Vegeta and he gets me good every time. You
can’t always predict what’s gonna happen in a fight. What counts right now is
that you’re ok.”

Gohan could feel the tears come and he closed his eyes,
feeling them slip down his temples and into his hair. “…dad…” He was surprised
that his voice was as strong as it was. He didn’t feel that strong. “I killed
him. I killed the kid with the gun. Shooting me was the last thing he ever did.
I crushed his throat with my hand. I felt his spine crumble. I can’t get his
face out of my head.”

“Gohan… Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t want
to do. Five people were killed by those guys in that place and you stopped them
from hurting more.” The voice was soft and patient. 

Gohan shook his head, not caring about the sharp stab it
caused. “No, dad. I caused it. I made them panic. I caused those people to get
killed because I was there. It’s all my fault. I… I won’t do it anymore.” Gohan
finally looked back at his father. “Dad, I never wanted to be a fighter. I never
wanted to be a hero. I was never cut out for it. Everyone knows that. I never
asked for this power. I’d give it to you in an instant if I could. You’re the
hero, dad. Not me. I don’t want it anymore. I can’t handle it. I’m not made for
things like this. I… I’m sorry… I tried…I’m sorry I can’t live up to what you
want.”

Goku paused for only a moment. “Gohan… You should get some
rest. You’ve been through a lot. Things may look different after you’ve healed
some.”

The earth raised Saiyan wasn’t sure what to think. He was
worried about more than the fact that Gohan had refused a senzu. He’d done that
himself before, wanting to heal on his own or because the wound just wasn’t
serious enough to warrant one. Gohan’s wound was serious enough to warrant a
senzu, but he would respect his son’s wishes to heal unaided. What concerned him
was the fact that Gohan had been wounded so severely by something so
insignificant. It wasn’t completely surprising, Gohan had lost his nerve in
battle before. It was something that Goku always kept alert for in their
battles, something that he always tried to be there to offset, to give his son
the strength or encouragement he needed because Goku *knew* that Gohan could do
it. It was Gohan who always seemed to forget what he was capable of. Gohan had
forgotten yet again…and it had almost killed him this time.

Goku knew that his son had been having a difficult time
over yearyears and it just seemed to grow harder for the boy. He could see the
pain in his son’s eyes and in his body language. He knew Gohan wasn’t happy and
hadn’t been for some time. But he hadn’t the foggiest notion just what to do
about it. Just like his wife, Goku just couldn’t figure out what it was that
they needed. Goten was simple. Even Trunks was easy to understand. But his wife
and first born were a mystery to him at times. He used to get along wonderfully
with Gohan back when it was just training, when it was fishing on the river and
enjoying the freedom and peace of nature. Some of his best memories with Gohan
were of the time before Cell when they had just gone away together to prepare.
That time seemed so far away now. As Gohan grew older and his life became more
complicated, they had grown apart because Gohan had other things on his mind
like school and work and mates and Saiyaman and…whatever else it was that he
obsessed over so much. It also didn’t help that Goku had been dead for seven
years.

But right now, this seemed a little more serious than the
angst of a child growing up. Goku felt that it reached much deeper than it
seemed or than Gohan let on. But Gohan was a big boy. He’d tell them what was on
his mind when he was ready. Goku didn’t think he’d give up on Saiyaman or on his
heritage. It was a part of who Gohan was. He couldn’t walk away from . He. He
just needed some time to sort himself out. So Goku didn’t really take all that
he said seriously. Most of the things that everyone else took so seriously
pretty much slid off Goku. Like the killing. When Goku was young, before he
learned restraint to go with his power, he had killed any number of people.
They’d all been bad guys and had all tried to hurt him or those he cared about
and he’d killed them with no remorse and little thought. Innocents were
different, they did nothing to warrant being killed. But the people he’d fought
and who Gohan had fought, he felt no remorse for them. He had a much more
liberal view of things like that than most did andywayyway, he kne wou would all
work out. It always did with time.

Everything would be back to normal soon. Surely it would.
He smiled at his boy reassuringly and ignored the unsure feeling that made his
brow want to furrow as he looked down at his distraught and depressed boy.

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