Isn't life just a kick in the crotch

I own nothing.

I hope you'll like it.

Chapter 3

Saturday morning, one week after his first date with Duo, Wufei were watching porn. For a purely scientific reasons of course. Or at least that was what he was telling himself. It had absolutely nothing to do with with the fact that he had not gotten laid since he moved back to his hometown. It was not about getting of, Wufei reasoned, because he still had his pants on. It didn't count when you had your pants on.

Now, according to Thornwell's theory you could change you sexuality, or maybe the right thing to call it was to twist your sexuality, with your will. So, the first thing you had to do was to find what it was about the opposite sex that you found attractive. Therefor the porn.

With a pad and a pen in his hands, he were now going to write a list of attractive features... while watching porn. Now, first thing on the list were definitely breasts. Not to big, not to small. Soft and full. Breasts that fitted in your hands and wh- right, getting of track. Next on the list came ass. 'Yes' Wufei thought as he watched a spectacular ass move across the screen. 'A nice ass was one very, very attractive feature.' Wufei shook himself when he once again got distracted by the beautiful girls on the screen. Girls that had just discovered the “toy box” that just happened to stand in the middle of the room. After adjusting himself for a second, he turned his attention back to the pad.

He did have a thing for blonds. In fact -all- of his ex-girlfriends where blonds. Something his friends and family had always teased him about... including Duo. Putting down -blonds- on his list, Wufei turned back to the screen where the girls with the toy box now were being joined by a pretty gardener in a short skirt and high heels. Wufei spared a stray thought on how unpractical it must be to work in a garden wearing high heels. But considering that this was a porn movie, things like that was irrelevant. Because she did look hot in those bright red heels. Wufei put down -feet- on the list. Marie, one of his ex-girlfriends from New York had owned heels like that. Damn, she had been sexy when she walked around in them. Marie with the beautiful eyes and the killer smile. And by gods what she could do with that mouth. Why did he break up with her again? Oh right, she was a annoying bitch. But he did love her eyes so he wrote -eyes- as he once again let his attention wonder off to the movie playing. Watching a big breasted blond do some very wicked things with her mouth, Wufei shifted in the couch and put down -lips- on his list.

Later when movie had ended, Wufei considered downloading another on, for scientific reasons of course nothing else.-Ehm- But he did want to finish the list before he had to leave for his fourth date with Duo. So he was just going to have to work with what he had written so far.

-Breasts, ass, blonds, feet, eyes and lips.

Right, now to find parallel things on the male body, or in this case, Duo. So, breasts were out for obvious reasons. Ass... Wufei really had no idea if Duo had a nice ass or not. Wufei confessed to himself that he really didn't know -how- a nice ass on a male should look. He had never really payed any attention to his own, much less anyone else's. But knowing Duo, he wouldn't be satisfied with having anything but a nice one.

So, on to the next one. Blonds. Wufei took a second to imagine Duo as a blond. A thought which made him snort. No, Duo wouldn't make a very good blond. Not to mention that it would take forever to color that big rope of hair that he had. That was also out. Next, feet. Duo had kind of big feet if he remembered correctly. Which he knew he did. It was not something he was going to forget considering that Duo's brother Solo had been making fun of Wufei's smaller feet at the time. But he also remembered that after Solo had left, Duo had put his own feet up next to his on the coffee table and compared them. Duo had said something about Wufei having great feet while he and Solo walked around with their clown feet unable to find any cool shoes in their size. Duo had really made his insecure teen years a lot easier in many ways...

Were big feet considered to be attractive on males? Well that didn't matter, this was about what -he- considered to be attractive, not others. And Wufei didn't like big feet. He liked smooth petite ones. Preferably with nail polish. So that was out to. Next where eyes. Well... Duo does have nice eyes. Big dark blue eyes that almost looks purple when the light hits them. They where nicely shaped with long eyelashes. Yes, he had very nice eyes.

After eyes came lips. Duo's lips weren't big and plum like he wanted them on women. But they where soft, and rough at the same time. They stretched thin when he smiles and they felt nice against his skin. He wondered what it would be like to kiss those lips. Would it be awkward or would it be the same as kissing a girl? The bristles would probably make a difference.

'So whats the result?' Wufei looked down at the pad. 'Well, there is eyes, lips and possibly a ass that works for me.' Wufei did a mental note to check out Duo's ass tonight. They where going bowling tonight so he would have plenty of opportunities to have a look. They had been on three dates this week and so far everything was going great.

Trowing the pad onto the table he laid down on the couch and stared at the ceiling.

Yesterday had been interesting. The two of them had been over to Wufei's sister Meilan, and Duo's brother Solo who just happened to be married to each other. The whole marriage thing where beyond strange. The two of them had hated each other for years before Solo for some strange reason asked her out. Asked her out a number of times in fact since Meilan kept punching him in the face every time he asked. It went on until Meilan broke his nose and didn't have the heart to hit him the next time he asked. They had been inseparable since.

So no, the irony had not been lost on Wufei as he had watched Solo played footsies with his normally reserved sister and Duo throw pies at him like a five year old with a crush. Solo Maxwell converted the man hating Meilan, and Duo Maxwell converted the straight Wufei. Or he was trying to anyway.

They had agreed not to tell anyone about Wufei's try for the other team. It was a bit to new and the theory really needed more work before it could be presented to an outsider.

The dinner had been nice. But Wufei had been a bit hurt to find out that Solo had been aware of Duo's sexuality for years and therefor Meilan had also known but had never told him. Logically he understood why no one told him, but it still hurt not to be included. Solo had joked about how funny it had been to watch Duo cope a feel on a oblivious Wufei during different baseball and football matches through the years. Duo had been embarrassed and Wufei had laughed with the rest of them. But he did feel a bit like he hadn't been trusted to know. And that hurt... a lot.

'No' he told himself. 'No more of this. I have to get ready for the date tonight.' Getting to his feet, he went to do just that.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

He supposed that it was a nice ass. For being a male ass that is.

“Wu... What are you doing?” Wufei's concentration moved to Duo's face from where it had been resting on his backside as the other man had been taking aim at the bowling pins.

“I'm trying to figure out if you have a nice ass.”

Duo coughed as he seemed to choke on his own spit.

“W- What?”

“Well, I never thought about it before. And I'm trying to determine if it's nice or not.”

“Aaand?” Duo dragged out with a leer.

“I don't know. I haven't decided yet.”

“Haven't de-! I'll have you know that I have a great ass! My ass... the fact is, that I have a -excellent- ass. Let me tell you Mr I-haven't-decided-yet, that no one have ever complained about my ass. It's so tight you could bounce a quarter of it!”

Wufei didn't say a word. He just watched the shocked looking couple and their children at the bowling lane next to them. Duo followed his line of vision and his eyes went wide.

Wufei raised a eyebrow as Duo's face turned bright red. “You were saying?”

“I- I think I'm going to get us something to drink. Like right now. Coke good with you?”

Duo didn't wait for him to answer as he took of as fast as he could. Wufei watched him go. 'I think he's right, that is an excellent ass. It doesn't quite look like one out of my art books, but it's pretty close. Hmm, I wonder if I can get him to model for me some time. He would do very nicely on a oil painting. Yeah, a classic oil painting. It's been a while since I did one of those. Maybe I can get him to let his hair out. I could take him out on a field and paint him sitting among the straw with his hair blowing. Yes, that would be beautiful. Or I could take him somewhere close to a lake. Get the color of his eyes together with the water and-'

His thoughts where interrupted by Duo's return. Accepting the offered drink he leaned back and watched the other man (and his ass) as he took his turn at the bowling lane.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Wufei closed the front door. He took a couple of steeps only to stop and stared at himself in the hall mirror in shocked silence.

'He kissed me. On the lips... It wasn't all that bad. More like a peck then anything else. It was... nice' Taking his shoes of and dropping his jacket on the floor he stumbled over to the kitchen. All the while his mind were repeating the soft kiss over and over again. They had been talking and laughing when Duo suddenly had steeped closer with a smile on his lips. And then, after a brief hesitation, he had leaned down and kissed him. It had been nice. Very nice in fact. Poring himself a glass of orange juice he sat down at the table with a content sigh.

'The whole dating thing is going well. A hell of a lot better then some of the dates I have been on through the years. Not that I've been on a lot of them. Dating always seamed like such a hassle. That and all those rules. I was never any good at the dating rules. Let's see...Let the girl pick the movie...the question in this case is, who's the girl? Do gay people even have dating rules? We paid our own movie tickets on the first date. I paid the check on our second one. But that was more because I was talking Chinese with the waiter then being “the guy”. Duo paid for the third one. But he knew the guy in the box office and got a discount. Does that still count? This part is a lot easier with a girl. Pay the tickets, open the doors, no kisses before the... wait... when do you get the kisses? Was it after the second or third date? Or was it the fourth? No, I think it was sex after the fourth an-... oh my gods. We just had our fourth date. What if gays have the same dating rules? Does Duo expect sex after this?! I don't know how to have sex with a man?!'

Leaving his untouched glass on the table he made a dash for his computer.

'I need to find out. I need more facts. Hell, all I know about gay sex comes from looker room jokes! ' Wufei thought as he started up his laptop.

He started searching and his eyes landed on a promising link.

'-Gay lifestyle-, yeah that sounds good. Right, let's see now... What the? O...my...god... that's some strange toys...I think I'm going to choose another link because that was just, -NO-. Let's see what this is... -ehm- that's a lot of leather. A -lot- of leather. I wonder if all gays are into that. Duo does own a pair of leather pants...oh holy shit!!! Did he just put his whole fist up... fist and ARM. Arghh! Holy shit! No! Gods! Ah! How the hell do I get this page down?!' Panic spread through his blood like ice as he slammed the laptop closed. But the man's painful screams could still be heard through the small speakers. In desperation to 'just make it stop' he ripped the laptops battery out and made it sailed across the room.

His heart was beating wildly and cold sweat were running down his back as he stared at his computer in horror. 'That can't be normal, right? It's not like they all do that. Right? Why would anyone want to put that- or -anything- up their...' Wufei suddenly felt like he was in -much- to deep. 'What the hell I'm I doing? What if Duo wants to do that, or on me? Or something else, or maybe-' cold shivers went down his spine and he suddenly felt like throwing up.'O gods, I can't do this, what the fuck am I doing, I'm not gay, I can't do this, I can't, I can't, I can't' He's head was spinning as he stumbled over to his bed and fell down on top of the covers. 'What am I going to do?'

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Duo was dragging himself over the door to kill whoever were on the other side, banging on it. Ripping the door open he was meet with the sight of a very haunted looking Wufei.

"Fei... it's four-thirty in the morning. What's going on?"

"Can I come in? I- I need to talk to you."

"Of course, come in." Duo steeped out of the way and let him in.

When there was no explanation coming from the distressed man. Duo signed.

"I am guessing that something freaked you out and you have now been up all night thinking about it. I'm going to take a wild guess and say it's the kiss that made-"

"No! Not that, it, I-I found, and if-, and I-." He sounded like he was going to start hyperventilating any second.

"Wu, calm down. Start from the top. What freaked you out?"

"I just- a-and then he-Why would he shove a fist up his rectum!"

Duo's eyes widened.”Fist?...” Visions of Wufei walking around in a S&M club flashed before his eyes.”Wu, where the hell have you been?!"

"Internet. I was trying to find-."

He was cut of by Duo's startled laugh.

"Oh god. This researching habit of yours is really taking you all over the place. He took a deep breath and looked straight into the twitching man's eyes as he spoke to him in a calming voice.”Wu, seriously. It's not something everyone does. I've never done it. But I talked to a guy that had, and who had like it."

"But why would you even want to put anything up there?" Wufei burst out.

"Fei... It... Because it feels good and you... -God- I can't believe I am having this conversation with you.” Duo rubbed his hands over his tired eyes with a sigh. “Come on let's sit down and I'll make you some tea." He put his hand on the other man's shoulder only to quickly snatch it away when he felt him cringe under his touch. 'Fuck! So it begins.' Duo walked a couple of steeps behind his friend into the kitchen and watched him drop down at the kitchen table. He swallowed thickly and turned his back to him, hiding his face with the excuse of boiling water.

'I should have known not to get my hopes up.' Duo rested his head against the kitchen cabins and closed his eyes in defeat. 'You can't change your sexuality. I have to talk to him before this gets out of hand. I won't take part in this anymore, not when it's hurting both of us. He's proven that he will do anything to help his friends. I should have known that I could have told him about me before. Wu never fails his friends, and he has -never- failed me. But he got to realize that this is not something that he can fix.' Duo took his time pouring the water and getting the tea bags. Stealing himself he turned around and carried the mugs over to his friend.

Wufei had his eyes glued to the table and didn't look up until Duo pushed a tea mug in his line of vision.

"Thank you" He gave a tired sigh as he wrapped his hands around it and some of the tension left his shoulders.

"Look, Wufei." That got his attention. Duo only called you by your name if something where wrong. "I know you feel obligated for this to work. But this has gone far enough. I know that you're my best friend. And that you even -tried- to do this for me means more then I can say. But no more. You can not change who you are. Any more then I can change who I am. I love you and I probably always will, but we're not meant to be lovers. Ok? So, friends?"

Wufei looking up at the sad smile on the face of his best friend that were holding his hand out to him. Wufei felt his heart twist.

"Yeah, Friends." He answered and took a hold of the offered hand.

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A/N

If I wanted to make this as believable as possible, I would end it like this... Well, I don't know about you, but I'm addicted to happy endings and can't for my own sanity's sake leave it like this. So all of you that want to stay realistic can stop reading here. But the rest of us that wants the "..and they lived happily ever after. The end." will keep reading. When I have written the next part anyway :)

I would love it if you told me what you think of the story. I also want to know what you think about Wufei? Is he believable? He's giving me a bit of a hard time (he keeps mumbling about breasts, skirts and nail polish). What do you thing? Is he straight? Is he bi? Is he turning gay or is he just making a exception for Duo? Is that even possible? Opinions please.