Cost of a Secret

Review Replies: radcat, glad you're enjoying it. Riza has definitely gotten close to Ed, and you'll see she's not the only member of Mustang's team. Amethyst-eyed Koneko, Roy definitely hasn't learned about not keeping secrets from Ed. And I promise your questions will eventually get answered. Though you'll probably have a few more after this one. Baroqueangel, thank you so much. I'm also glad you enjoyed that line. Loqui, I wonder what you think his secret is.

Chapter 3

Unofficial, Important Business

When Ed had gotten the note from Riza that Roy was going to leave the office early because of “unofficial, important business,” Ed had assumed that would mean he would be walking. After all, Ed wasn’t as out of shape as his older lover—well, that wasn’t entirely true about Roy, but Ed wasn’t feeling particularly generous today. He had also expected that if Roy had given a damn about transportation for Ed, the message would have come from him, not Riza. It wasn’t as though Ed anticipated some little note with hearts on it that smelled of Roy, but he’d hoped things weren’t so far gone that all he would manage was a note through Riza’s efficient if somewhat cold hand.

Ed had left the office, fully prepared to walk home, but was surprised to find a long, black car waiting for him.

“Come on, boss, get in,” Havoc said, learning across the front seat to open the passenger’s side door.

The young man walked down the front steps and climbed into the vehicle. He looked at the other man, without thinking how surprised he must have still looked.

“You didn’t think the Chief would make you walk, did you?” Havoc asked. “You know how protective he’d been since those rebels tried an attack last month.”

“And they were caught three weeks ago,” Ed said. “And they only used paintbombs to attack. Not really a threat.”

“True,” Havoc said, followed by a chuckle.

Ed managed to snicker at the memory. The redheaded first lieutenant had been dyed rather than painted. His hair was still growing out the green tint, but you had to look closely to even see it.

From that point on, however, the drive was silent. Ed knew Havoc wanted to talk to him, but the blond’s technique in getting him to was severely lacking. Roy could charm information from Ed and make him think he gave it willingly. Riza could scare it out of him. Breda could con it out. Falman would bluntly and methodically ask questions until Ed gave in and answered. Fuery was the most devious of all, in that he would disarm Ed to the point where he was no longer thinking of the words coming out of his mouth.

As Havoc possessed none of these talents, Ed was left with the awkward quiet that was broken only by the hum of the engine.

It grew to be too much. “What?”

Havoc looked over at him, a little startled by the sudden question to break the monotony. It took him a moment to regain his thought path, but when he did, Ed realized that he’d opened himself up for a “talk” about his relationship with Roy.

“You know the chief cares about you, don’t you?” Havoc asked.

Ed groaned. “Havoc, I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know,” Havoc said. “I just wanted to say this. Do you think the chief considers his team friends now?”

“Well, yeah, I suppose so. You come over our house often enough for parties or just to hang out.”

“He’s never said it, you know that?”

Ed shrugged. “I haven’t announced someone as my best friend since Winry when we were kids.”

“Do you think he trusts us?” Havoc asked.

“Of course he does,” Ed said. “He wouldn’t keep you around if he didn’t.”

“Doesn’t say that either.” Havoc continued to drive. “The chief talks a lot about the things that aren’t important, like getting miniskirts as part of the female uniform. Well, it’s definitely important to me. I’d love to see it, but I know it isn’t a big issue when compared to relations with Drachma or rebuilding Isbal. He doesn’t talk about those things, but he’s written letters to other generals in Drachma and donated to the Ishballan reconstruction effort. I haven’t seen a single memo about miniskirts.” Havoc shrugged. “I don’t know if I’m making any sense at all. It’s just something I thought I should say.”

Ed looked at Havoc. He wasn’t always the most articulate in Roy’s team and could ramble at times, particularly when he didn’t have a cigarette in his hand. Something about the little nicotine sticks calmed the man.

“I know what you mean, and if that was all of it, I wouldn’t be in this position,” Ed said.

Havoc just nodded.

“So you know, too,” Ed said. “Am I the only one who doesn’t?”

Havoc opened his mouth, then closed it again, as though thinking better of what he was going to say. “The chief never really came out and told any of us except for Captain Hawkeye and Maes Hughes of course. The rest of us all found out on our own.”

Ed nodded. Those two made sense, and if Roy really had only confided in them, Ed might assume it wasn’t as bad as his mind had been expecting.

“The rest of us found out because of working with him. And believe it or not, at first, his reasons for not telling you made sense,” Havoc said. “I’m not defending beyond when you officially joined the team, but before that, I understand.”

Ed looked at him, wanting to ask the other man what it was that Roy was keeping from him that he so willingly told his teammates, but he again closed his mouth. Havoc wouldn’t tell him, and he knew it. Just like no one else would tell him.

“This is something for him to tell, Boss.” Havoc pulled into the driveway of the house Ed had shared with Roy for the last nine months. Ed looked up at the brick structure with the little green gargoyles on either side of the door.

“Thanks for the ride, Havoc.”

“No problem, Boss.”

Ed was surprised to find that the house looked completely dark. He’d expected to find Roy home by now. Getting out his key as he heard Havoc drive off, Ed looked around for any sign that the man had been home, but seeing their mail was still in the box next to the door, done in the same style as the gargoyles Ed had purchased, he realized that his lover had not even stopped by the house.

********

Roy spread out a drawing of a nearly completed transmutation circle on the table. “I understand these symbols, but they seem to be connected the wrong way.”

“Sir, I know you insist that he would know what he was drawing, but is it possible he has made a mistake?” Falman asked him.

The brigadier general shook his head. “Absolutely not. Liam knows alchemy, and would be able to at least draw the things that he couldn’t do for himself.”

Roy began scouring through the books in the unofficially restricted section of the library. When he picked up the unfinished work of the madman Shou Tucker, he felt a shiver run down his spine. He hadn’t wanted to actually look through this book because if he could simply find the pieces that inspired Tucker’s work, he didn’t have to get a glimpse into the bastard’s mind.

Roy’s hand tightened on the thin covering of the book, as he silently wished his hands were tightening around the other man’s throat. How many nightmares had he tried to soothe away because of what Tucker had done? How many times did he wake to the pathetic whimpering of the name Nina? Ed should have been allowed to kill him that night and saved everyone a lot of trouble.

Tucker had cost Roy an important moment, too, that night. He still remembered how reluctant Maes had been to call him out to the scene of Nina’s death, how much he hadn’t wanted to leave the hospital, and how he’d treated Ed at that moment. Ultimately, though, Roy knew he couldn’t go back and get that day back. Instead, all he could do was focus on the present and the black marker drawing of a transmutation circle.

Roy was flipping through Tucker’s sketches, trying to ignore the scribbled entries he’d included about his daughter or wife. He wanted to pretend that this had been published without the personal information included. He wanted to pretend there wasn’t one copy of this inside of each of the five main alchemy libraries in Amestris and the military hadn’t swept Tucker’s crimes against humanity under the rug.

He could hear Falman shuffling some papers and returning the books that had proven useless thus far.

“Have you tried talking to the lieutenant colonel about this?” Falman asked.

“He has enough nightmares about this son of a bitch as it is,” Roy said. “I will not add to them. Especially when I’m not entirely sure that this is what Liam has drawn.”

“But the lieutenant colonel lived in Tucker’s house, sir, and he would know better than anyone what these symbols might mean. With the death of his teacher, he is now the only person in the country with that kind of wealth of alchemy in his mind.”

“Are you suggesting I use my boyfriend as a reference library?” Roy asked. Falman gathered more books and put them away. He knew that honestly, the older man would likely have done it if their positions were flipped. Ed had knowledge that Falman didn’t, and something like that would certainly bother the older man. The only thing that prevented the second lieutenant slash human dictionary from interrogating Ed on all he knew just so that Falman could possess that same information was that Falman didn’t understand alchemy. It would be like explaining the finer points of ballet to Ed. He might remember the information, but it would be of no use to him.

Falman hadn’t answered, and so Roy continued his search.

However, when Roy saw Falman flipping over the sheet of paper, tracing the design that had bled through from the front, he looked at him curiously.

“Just a theory, sir,” the man said. “Though I do not know alchemy, I do enough research.”

Roy was then studying a part of Tucker’s research, and he saw a transmutation that the other alchemist had not quite managed to complete. He said that putting it on the floor as a traditional transmutation had no effect. Nor did drawing it on the subject—Nina no doubt. Roy knew there was another way, thanks to Zolf Kimblee, and that a person could essentially be tattooed alchemically. That would make it part of the person as Kimblee’s symbols had been a part of him.

He glanced up to see what Falman was doing with the transmutation and gasped aloud. It matched the one in the book.

“It was flipped, sir.”

“Then maybe it was drawn wrong,” Roy said, far too much hope on his face and in his voice. He knew from what he was reading that the slightest alteration would affect the usefulness of the symbol.

“Sir stand up,” Falman said. “And put your back to the mirror there.”

Roy did as instructed, moving close to, then turning his back to the two-way mirror that the librarians could monitor the room from. With the section being so borderline forbidden, these mirrors were in key locations throughout the room.

“Now, look back at the mirror. I think you were right that Liam wouldn’t have gotten it wrong. I think he drew the circle as he saw it, backwards in a mirror.”

There were only two symbols missing from the circle to make it complete, which meant...

“I’m going to kill her,” Roy said. “I am going to strangle her with my own hands if it is the last thing I do.”

********

When Roy came back to the house, Ed was already in the room, packing his bags. He could hear the older man coming through the door and walking to the library. To the liquor cabinet.

Ed hated when Roy drank, not because he had anything against alcohol. Ed sometimes had a glass of something himself. The problem was that Roy didn’t know how to stop with a single glass. When Roy drank, it was usually with the intent of getting completely smashed. The older man swore it helped with the nightmares and self-loathing, but as far as Ed could tell, it only helped the other man forget the nightmares and self-loathing. Ed was lucky enough to deal with the man when he was screaming in the middle of the night or sobbing because he was “a monster.”

The young man felt it was wiser if he went downstairs before Roy managed to actually get himself too far gone to hear Ed’s conditions. And Ed had them. An ultimatum as well.

He made his way down the stairs and headed to the library. He expected to find Roy already knocking one back, but instead, he found him hunched over the liquor cabinet. One hand was on the piece of furniture; the other was holding the neck of a bottle of scotch.

"Roy?” Ed asked tentatively.

Roy looked up at him. He looked sick, to be honest, and Ed was reconsidering his ultimatum. The man’s black eyes were so raw and open. For just a moment, there was the realization that his lover was human. These moments were much to far and few between.

“Oh, sorry, Ed, did I bother you?” And with that, the raw emotion vanished and the mask returned.

Ed shook his head. “You okay, Roy?” he asked, taking a step toward the other man.

“I’m fine,” Roy answered so reflexively it was painfully obvious it was an automatic answer. “You can head to bed. I’ll be up shortly.”

Hearing the word “shortly,” Ed flinched, but he managed to keep his composure. Roy hadn’t made a genuine short joke in a long time. The blond crossed his arms over his chest. “Roy…”

“I said I’d be up. I won’t be down long. I have to be up early tomorrow.”

“Right.” Ed looked to the floor. “For your train ride to that place you just won’t tell me about.”

“Ed, don’t start.” The tone was irritated, but most of all, it was tired.

“Then just tell me.” Ed’s gold eyes looked up to the older man’s face. “It can end in five seconds. Just talk.”

“I can’t, Ed.”

“I want to go with you to wherever it is you’re going, Roy. I want to help you if I can.” Roy had been a constant over this last year, and Ed feared he’d lost his relationship with Al. It was why he was clinging with nails and teeth to this one.

“Ed, I just can’t.”

Ed nodded and started to walk away, but then took a shuddering breath before turning his head over his shoulder. “Roy, if you can’t at least tell me where you are going tomorrow, let alone take me with you, then I want you to expect me gone when you come back.” He turned back to stare ahead of him, waiting for some response from the man behind him. When none came, Ed fought back another shuddered breath and walked away.

He didn't even look to see if Roy had followed.