Witness

Chapter Four: Restlessness

A/N: For simplicity sake, I decided to give Kira and Cagalli both the last name of Yamato. Also note, for all intensive purposes, that they lived together during their childhoods, and were not separated. However, this information will probably be somewhat irrelevant after this chapter.

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Although Kira had retreated to the seclusion of his bedroom, sleep was the furthest thing from his mind. He lied awake, organizing his confused and scattered thoughts. His relationship with his parents had been steadily deteriorating since he was fourteen, although it did not get really bad until he was sixteen. The last semblance of family was shatter today. Ironically, honesty destroyed it. Honesty: a virtue his parents instilled in him, forced upon him, and encouraged all his life has now severed them forever.

--Flashback--

The evening started well. He met Cagalli at her place, and together they traveled to their parent’s home. It was actually supposed to be a surprise; their parents did not know they were coming. They arrived early enough for their parents to get ready, ensuring they would arrive at the restaurant in time for the reservations. Still, they were getting along fine.

--Break--

‘That’s the way it always was,’ thought Kira bitterly, ‘so long as we never talked there would be no fighting.”

--Break--

Kira wanted the evening to go well. Partially due to the amount of effort Cagalli put into planning this celebration, but mostly because he hated fighting with his family. It was funny, everywhere but home Kira strove to avoid conflict. That had to change.

They traveled in separate vehicles so Kira and Cagalli could go straight home from the restaurant. He watched his parents follow them in their little BMW through his vanity mirror, while Cagalli weaved confidently through the traffic. A sense of foreboding was falling upon him.

Upon arriving at the restaurant, they were immediately shown to their table. They settled and Cagalli requested a bottle of wine be brought. Listening intently Kira watched while his parents exchanged simple pleasantries with Cagalli. They inquired about school, how she liked her new place, told her how proud they were of her. The server arrived with a bottle of fine wine and poured everyone at the table a glass.

“This was a wonderful idea, Cagalli,” complimented Mrs. Yamato shortly after the server left. Their father quickly agreed and thanked her as well. So far, neither parent had said a word to Kira. He was beginning to feel like he wasn’t even there. He reached for a breadstick and began nibbling on it. The server returned to take their orders, and Cagalli assured their parents that the meal was on her.

“Order whatever you like,” proclaimed Cagalli, “the meal is on me.” They thanked her and began babbling about her generosity long after the server left. Personally, Kira was suddenly significantly less hungry.

Finally, after being ignored for about forty-five minutes, Kira let out an exasperated sigh and allowed himself to sink in his seat. He had given up on trying to join the conversation; the constant Cagalli praise. Resigning himself, Kira simply wanted to go home.

“Kira,” hissed his father, “sit-up. This is a respectable restaurant, try to fit-in…” Again Kira sighed, and obliged his father by pulling himself up and sitting straight. Those were the first words his father had said to him all day; at least his mother said hello. Once the attention was off him again, Kira took a deep drink from his glass. He was overcome by depression, and decided to stare at his plate for a while.

“Smile, Kira,” chimed his mother warmly, “you used to be such a happy, respectful boy.” Kira forced a smile; it caused him physical pain, but he did it. Internally, it felt like another freezing knife to the heart.

‘Used to be?!? What does that make me now?’ thought Kira sadly as the smile faded from his face.

Kira sat, stewing in his own misery, as his family continued to chat happily around him, oblivious to the pain they were causing him. Cagalli must have noticed his dejected look, and tried to involve him in the conversation.

“So, what’s new with you Kira?” she asked. Kira was immediately aware that this was an invitation into the conversation, and smiled at Cagalli in silent gratitude. They had had a long conversation just the previous night, so Kira knew that the question wasn’t for her so much as it was for him. Regardless, Kira was happy to be included.

“Well I got the top mark in my class on my PET 236 mid-term,” said Kira, knowing his parents were always proud of his academic achievements. He was hoping to find some common ground that could be expanded upon and further discussed.

“That’s wonderful, dear,” replied Mrs. Yamato, smiling warmly, “school was always so easy for you.”

“I’m proud of you son,” added his father. “How did you do on your exams, Cagalli?” Just like that Kira was once again out of the conversation. He tried to assert himself a couple of times, making a legitimate effort to involve himself. However, he found his task difficult and fruitless, and eventually he simply stopped trying.

“So Cagalli, how is your new boyfriend?” asked her mother.

“Yeah, when do we get to meet this guy?” asked Mr. Yamato. They began talking about Cagalli’s relationships, and about her boyfriend. Two subjects in which Kira had absolutely no remote interest. From what he had heard though, the guy sounded like a kind, respectable person that was easily manipulated.

‘Perfect for Cagalli,’ joked Kira inwardly.

Having no interest in the conversation whatsoever, Kira retreated to his own private thoughts. The rest of his family continued to talk, laughing occasionally as Cagalli regaled them with stories of her relationship. By this time Kira’s glass was empty, and he had already consumed three breadsticks. He could not be sure whether it was depression or shear boredom that caused this.

“So, when are you going to find yourself a girlfriend?” asked Mr. Yamato.

“Uhh…” hesitated Kira after being caught off guard. He was not sure how he should answer this question. He had not yet come out, and did not think that this was either the time or the place to do so. “I don’t know,” answered Kira, believing it was a fair substitute for ‘never’.

“Oh, you know who would be perfect,” offered Kira’s mother, “that Riesh girl.” The table went silent as they all considered it. Kira felt a sudden rush of heat to his head. This was not going to end well. Kira was mortified and embarrassed, and could not even speak to defend himself. He watched disbelievingly as his parents arranged the entire thing, as well as named other viable “candidates”. They even asked for Cagalli’s opinion on the matter. Not once, however, did they stop to ask Kira what he thought.

‘This is ridiculous!’ thought Kira, ‘do they not realize I’m sitting right here?’ Although, to be honest, a part of Kira enjoyed finally being the center of attention.

“Well how about that?” offered Mr. Yamato, “I have to see her father sometime before I leave anyways… Why don’t I see if she’s available?” The table fell silent as they waited for his response.

“Well, thanks…dad,” struggled Kira, feeling incredibly awkward, “but I’m really not interested…” Once again, he was being completely honest with his parents.

“Why not?” challenged his father, as if Kira was rejecting him personally.

“She’s a nice girl, and she comes from a good family, Kira,” added his mother. Kira knew the girl they were talking about, and could understand his parents’ confusion. Indeed, now that he thought of it, she was a nice, attractive young woman who was very kind and extremely intelligent. He would have jumped on the opportunity if he was straight. But he wasn’t.

“I’m just not interested…” affirmed Kira.

“But why?” asked his father. “You know, you’re only young once.” They continued to question Kira’s judgment and explain to him why they would be “perfect” together. It was incredibly frustrating for Kira. Why could they not just drop the subject?

“Really,” said Kira, “I’m not interested.”

“You know,” started his father, “you should thank me. My father never tried to set me up with an attractive young lady like I am for you.”

“Yeah, and I appreciate it,” replied Kira, struggling to keep his voice low, “but you have to understand that I’m just not interested.”

“You’re not still hoping to get back with that Clyne girl, are you?” asked his mother. “You have to move on…”

“No, mom, that’s not it at all,” replied Kira, frustration building.

“Then what is it?” asked his father finally.

“I’m just…not interested…” said Kira. By this point he was wondering whether or not his secret was worth guarding. If he just told them what he was, this entire conversation would end. However, he also knew what his father thought of “that type” and knew that he was not ready to tell them.

The meals arrived just in time to prevent further questioning. It gave Kira the opportunity to collect himself, and the calmed the temperature of the entire table. It was a vital reprieve for everyone. They ate in silence briefly. Hopeful, Kira believed the topic had passed.

“How about Mia Karmich?” asked Mrs. Yamato, completely oblivious to Kira’s frustration and distress.

“Not interested.” repeated Kira.

“Leah Bell?” offered Mr. Yamato.

“Mom, dad,” said Kira forcefully, “I am not interested!”

“Well why not?” asked Kira’s father, “What are you? Gay?”

“Yes…” whispered Kira, as if he had just confessed to a terrible crime. As if the very notion of being gay made him a lesser person. Something to be ashamed of; something to hate. His parents looked at him disbelievingly, like he was no longer their son. Even Cagalli looked shocked. Knowing he would receive no sympathy, Kira bottled his emotions and tried to prepare himself.

“That’s not funny,” said Mr. Yamato, unwilling to accept his own son was gay.

“I know,” replied Kira emotionlessly, “I’m not laughing. You asked me a question. I answered it. If you don’t like the answer you probably shouldn’t have asked anything.” Anger was beginning to well inside him. How could his parents behave this way? Was he not the same person now as he was five minutes ago?

“What’s wrong with you? I cared for you. Let you live in my house. And you turn out like this? Look at you. A fag. A disappointment,” hissed Mr. Yamato quietly so the other tables couldn’t hear what he was saying.

“Dad…” began Kira, but was quickly interrupted.

“Don’t,” ordered his father through gritted teeth, “call me that. I have no son; therefore I cannot be your father.” Of all his father’s words, these last ones hurt the most. “We’re leaving,” he said with a tone of finality; one Kira’s mother always obeyed. Not that she wanted to do otherwise. He stormed by as Kira fixed his gaze on his plate. A gentle touch brushed his shoulder. He looked back to see his mother’s face. A tear on her cheek reflected his childhood, and questioned how he went wrong. His gaze followed her as she left the room. Surprisingly, that single image shattered his heart. A task even his father’s hurtful words failed to accomplish.

He stood, pulled out his wallet and threw some money on the table. It was more than enough to cover their meals; nearly an entire paycheque. He didn’t care. He just wanted to get away.

The next thing he was aware of was him being in a cab, heading home. ‘How can every part of my being say this is right, while the entire world tells me I’m wrong?’

--End Flashback--

‘I was simply being honest,’ thought Kira, ‘is that so selfish? To be accepted; to be loved unconditionally by one’s own parents. Is that so selfish? I didn’t choose to be this way, but I am. And what’s wrong with that? Why should I go through life being ashamed of who I am?’

Kira could finally take no more. He began to sob bitterly into his pillow, suffocation the sound. He felt alone and deserted; betrayed by the ones he loved most.

Athrun could hear Kira’s stifled weeping from his room. He was also trying to resolve his confusion; his uncertainty. The progress was slow…

TBC…


A/N: Okay, first of all, I would like to apologize for how long this chapter took. I sincerely hope it was worth the wait.

Anyways, about this chapter: I wanted to give the reader some insight into Kira’s life. Some of you may not agree with the viewpoint I decided to use on his parents, and, to be entirely honest, I somewhat agree with you. However, I wanted to include this in the story, so I did.

As always, please read and review. They subconsciously dictate my will to write. So if you want more, fast: review!