Quatre Winner\'s Diary

Arpil: April\'s Fools

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Thursday, April 10th
8:11 pm

I just sent Duo home after he fell sleep on whatever stack of papers he was working on. I can\'t even tell anymore. Everything\'s starting to look the same. Even the letters on the page look the same. I\'m not sure what words mean anymore. Maybe I\'m a little tired, or maybe I\'m just distracted.

Duo told me something disturbing today during our dinner break, which means we only work on one thing while we eat delivery out of boxes and occasionally hold a conversation. They\'re not long, but then again most of the conversations we\'re having these days are short. That\'s what we get for working so hard.

Today was different, though. He asked me if I talked to Trowa and I lied. What was I supposed to do? I didn\'t want to get a lecture.

\"Well good,\" he answered, \"\'cause I met Ralph the other day. You know he\'s not a half bad guy.\"

\"Really!?!\" I tried to hide my hurt with surprise. I don’t think it worked, but Duo wasn\'t about to say anything.

\"Yeah, he wanted to see Heero again and said if he didn\'t bring me along he was in big trouble. Don\'t want anyone spanking Heero \'cept me, so I went along. Ya know, they’re really kinda cute together. I\'m glad for them; can\'t wait for the ceremony. Should be nice.\" I know it shouldn\'t have hurt to hear, but after he said it, I felt empty, hollow. But at least I know what all those voice mails from Trowa say. But I\'m still not ready to hear the good bye. Not in his voice yet.

10:11 pm

By Allah, I hate this. I\'m tired from long days; tonight was the earliest that I\'ve been out of the office all week. Unfortunately, after I kicked Duo out, there was still too much to do for me to just go home.

It was about nine-thirty when I finally did get back home. I was hungry, tired, and my head hurt, but of course all I wanted was long shower and my bed, but the grannies didn\'t like that idea.

The grannies are my neighbors, and the sweetest old ladies I\'ve ever met. Valma and Gisa are the most unlikely roommates. Valma is in her late sixties, born and raised in Minnesota in St. Olaf, which means she\'s Lutheran, her husband was a minister. Gisa is New York born. She\'s originally from Queens and is the sweetest little Jewish grandmother.

Valma and her husband used to live in my apartment, until he died. Gisa\'s husband had died years before, so the two decided to move in together, not out of necessity, but because they hated the idea of living alone.

They seem to think that I need to be checked up on occasionally, to make sure that I\'m doing all right. Usually they\'re happy just to drop off food and go back home, especially if it\'s late, but tonight they wanted to talk, and when they want to talk there\'s no way to stop them. And of course it seemed that Trowa was to be the topic of the day. He stopped by when he got done at the clinic and the grannies informed him that I wasn\'t going to get home for at least a couple hours.

\"At least you found a doctor,\" Gisa told me, dishing up some wild rice hotdish for me. \"None of my grandchildren found a doctor. All they got were garbage men and social workers. Nothing that makes that kind of money, although you don\'t really need it, dear. You\'ve got more than enough for several people. Too bad you\'re gay, I have a nice granddaughter over in Queens that would be perfect for you.\"

\"How did you know…\" I started. I was confused and tired; not a good combination.

\"Your boyfriend came over tonight, Dear,\" Valma clarified, or attempted to. I was getting really confused. \"Well, at least he said he was your boyfriend…now you eat up there. You need to put a little weight on, Sweetie. Gis, what did the nice young man say his name was? Trent…Travis…\"

\"Trowel?\" Gisa asked.

\"No, that\'s a gardening tool,\" Valma repleid.

\"Trowa?\" I supplied meekly. I can\'t believe that Trowa came over looking for me, and told them he was my boyfriend. Maybe he still considers me that because he hasn\'t td tod to me yet.

\"Yes, Trowa!\" Valma exclaimed. \"Oh he\'s such a sweet boy, and so handsome, but he\'s like you. You both need to eat more. You\'re too skinny.\"

\"Oh, Val don\'t criticize the boy too much,\" Baba Gisa interrupted,\" you know how hard he works. But she\'s right, you need to eat more. Now finish your hot dish. We made that man of yours eat some of Val\'s pecan bars and have coffee with us. He\'s a very polite young man, although I don\'t understand the hair in his face. What is it with you young people and hair in your faces? Can\'t you afford to go to the barbers?\"

\"I\'m not sure…\" It\'s really hard to get a word in edgewise while they\'re around, but I don’t really mind. It\'s makes them happy to mother hen me, so I let them.

\"No, Gis, it\'s the style. The grunge look, or something like that. He seems concerned about you Quatre, that\'s why we\'re here.\"

\"The long and short of it, bubulla, is that if you’ve got a guy like that, don\'t be a putz. Call him and tell him whatever it is that\'s troubling you. He\'s a sweet boy. He\'ll help you out.\"

\"Sweetie,\" Oma Val continued, \"he\'s the kind of man who\'ll help you out. Talk to him, and get some sleep. You look exhausted. You\'ll work yourself into an early grave and then that nice Trowa boy will be sad. Do you want to do that?\"

\"No ma\'am.\" One of the last things that you want to happen is getting a lecture from your adopted Grandmas. Trust me, it\'s not fun.

\"Good, Bubulla. You can bring back the casserole when you eat everything and call your boyfriend. He\'s worried.\"

They left shortly after that. Now I\'m even more confused than I was before. Trowa said that I\'m his boyfriend. Does that mean I am, or that he\'s saying I am until he breaks up with me face-to-face? What about what Duo said earlier today? It sounded like they\'re happy together, and I don\'t really want to stand in his way.

And Trowa\'s worried about but but is he worried about how I\'ll react or about me working too much? Am I blowing all this out of proportion? Could Ralph just have asked Trowa to do something for him, as an old friend? Maybe there\'s a fourth man to bring into the relationship that I haven\'t even considered? He might have asked Trowa to witness their joining ceremony and Trowa was just saying yes to that. Perhaps I should check my messages, but tomorrow. Tonight I need sleep.

10:46 pm

Wufei says I\'m a putz and that I should call Trowa and talk to him. I think I woke him up. I don\'t want to wake Trowa up; maybe I should call him tomorrow?

But am I really a putz? Does everyone hate me now because I\'m being an idiot?

10:49 pm

Wufei just called back and told me to stop moping, no one hates me, and that if I insist on acting like a teenage girl he\'ll put a note in Trowa\'s locker at the clinic asking me if he likes me. Then he started going off on Sally for some reason...I give them three weeks before he pounces her. Then he ordered me to get some sleep.

You know, I\'m a little scared about that note comment. He might actually do it.

2:59 am

Never go to bed confused; you\'ll never get to sleep. Hell, I don\'t think there\'s a night this week that I\'ve slept well. I\'ve been lying in bed for four hours now, and I still can\'t get my brain to shut down. I think I\'ve just gotten too much information to handle, especially since I came to the brilliant conclusion to check my voicemail.

I\'m still not sure which part of my sleep-deprived mind thought this was a good idea, except that if maybe, just maybe, Trowa tells me what\'s going on in one glorious mind relieving message, then I can sleep. But of course life isn\'t that simple

Relena went on another date, who this mystery man she\'s been seeing is still a secret, but he sounds nice. I wonder if he happens to have a gay brother.

Yes, I did just write that, and I know what you\'re thinking, or would be thinking if you were sentient. I should probably just start looking for another boyfriend, because I fucked up. I fucked up big time. I fell into the proverbial shit hole and there are no amount of doughnut holes that can bring me back again. He\'s mad at me.

Actually, I\'m not sure you can call it mad, upset is a better term for it. I upset him because I haven\'t called. In either case, he\'s not happy with me, so I\'ve fucked up. I wish I knew why he wanted to talk, but he didn\'t give me any clue, even in the message he left tonight, just before I got home, which basically said that he wanted to talk to me and not to work myself too hard. Actually, those were almost his words.

I have a feeling he thinks I want to avoid him. I don\'t want to avoid him, but avoid the conversation. y, uy, usually when a relationship gets to this point, I jump in feet first, and I\'m glad about it. This time, it\'s like a child having to eat Brussels sprouts. You know it\'s not supposed to be this painful, but from where you\'re standing, it\'s the end of the world. At least I hope it\'s not going to be anything that bad, but then again, most of my hopes don\'t come true. If they did, I would have lost my virginity in high school to Suzy Metcaff right after the Junior prom, would look something like Colin Farrel with the charm of Sean Connery, and my mother would be here to run to crying. Wishes mean nothing, because they never comue. ue.

For some reason I keep coming back to the lyrics to a Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, Whistle Down the Wind. \"If all our dreams were golden, and never black nor gray… If all our dreams came true, then we\'d never have to say…If only it were so, these are the loneliest words I know.\" Seems pertinent. Poignant, actually. But of course, wishes and dreams don\'t come true. Mothers don’t rise from the grave. And Jesus Christ isn\'t going to come stay in your barn [1].

What this rambling comes to is this: no matter how much I wish Trowa was still mine, he\'s not. I just have to give up and talk to him. It\'s time to stop living a fantasy. I\'ll talk to him tomorrow.
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1. This is a reference to the play, which is based off a movie from the fifties. Three children find an escaped murder in thbarnbarn and because of the injuries he received during his pursuit he has the \"markings\" of Jesus.

It wasn\'t as big as Jesus Christ Superstar, Phantom of the Opera, or Cats, but I think it\'s still a very well written show with beautiful music and a great story.

It did have one song that hit the radio stations, albeit in a revised manner. \"No Matter What,\" which in the show is a group of children singing to Jesus, was recorded and released by Boyzone on the Notting Hill soundtrack. I\'d like to state for the record that in the show, it is a love song, much like \"Jesus Loves Me\" and \"This Little Light of Mine\" are love songs, but not a romantic way. Still, it is a beautiful song.