Sweet as Honey

Havoc pulled back from the kiss, taking a small gasp of air as he nipped his lover's lower lip. His hands caressed every bit of skin they could find as they roamed down Ed's body and under his clothes, relearning the warmth and shapes they had never really forgotten. He had waited two weeks too long for this. Havoc covered Edward's neck in kisses, and was pleased to find the evidence in Ed's pants that he was very pleased to see Havoc and had missed his groping very much as well.

Ed shivered and gasped as well, still catching his breath from ten kisses prior. To say that he'd missed Havoc's touch would be an understatement; the past two weeks had been all but downright excruciating at times, the report had been agonizing, the questioning Al had tried to put him through... He wasn't even going to get into that. It was all he could do not to tear the man's clothes off, as cliche as such desperation sounded.

Not that Havoc would mind at all. He was pretty much doing that very thing to Edward at the moment, allowing Ed enough space away from the door to tug the boy's coat off before pressing him flat against it again. His hand was back down Ed's pants as he nibbled the boy's collar, and he pulled the very unfair move of rubbing in just that way that he knew Ed liked.

A strangled moan escaped Ed's lips as he arched against that touch, hands fisted in Havoc's shirt. Damn the man for it! Damn him and praise him and fuck did he miss this!

A throaty chuckle was pressed against Ed's neck. "God, I missed that sound," Havoc murmured softly against hot skin, properly pulling Ed out and stroking.

Ed might have laughed were he not being tended to as he was. "Fuck now, talk later," he breathed, fumbling again with Havoc's shirt.

Havoc almost chuckled again, but was content to grin widely with bright eyes. "Yes, of course," he said nonchalantly. His actions were much more truthful than his tone, however, as he took that moment to grab Ed by the ass and pull him against his own, still clothed, crotch. The taller man had enough evidence of his own that he had missed his younger lover, and it was very prominent as he pushed forward, moaning at the sudden contact.

"Anything you want," he managed after another moan, and his hips moved.

The smaller blonde soon gave up on Havoc's shirt altogether, dragging the taller man down for a rough kiss.

"Jean..." he breathed, once the kiss was broken, still-gloved fingers twined in Havoc's hair, "If you don't hurry up..."

"...You'll still be pinned against my door," Havoc pointed out in a heated whisper against Ed's earlobe. But despite the teasing, he grasped him and stroked again, as he always did. His fingers found all the extra sensitive spots, and it did not take long to remember the familiar patterns that worked best.

Ed threw his head back, a curse accompanying the thud that signalled he'd hit the door. "Jean...fuck..." He steadied himself against the door, pleasure-hazed golden eyes dropping from Havoc's face to his hand, the sight itself drawing out a breathy moan.

Jean licked his lips, light blue eyes darkened sapphire with passion and his hand's pace quickening. He distracted Ed's mouth with his own, passionate and possesive as he gave a sudden squeeze.

Ed's hips jerked, a sharp gasp filtering between them. His hands moved again from the door, fumbling with Havoc's pants. I want you...

The taller blonde groaned softly, moving his hands to finish the job Ed had restarted. He gave the boy another hungry look when he freed himself from the tight restraints of his pants. They were both going to get what they wanted, and Havoc pushed Ed back against the door. ''Ed...''

The smaller blonde gave Jean a pointedly sultry look, managing to get one arm around Havoc's waist in order to force the older man to arch against him slightly. ''Jean, please...''

Havoc nearly grinned wickedly at him, but seemed to settle with a seductive sort of smirk. He cupped Edward's cheek fondly, murmuring an "of course" to him. He arched again, willingly thrusting up against the boy and bringing them together. He gasped, grinned, and began to grind slowly.

Ed half-swallowed a moan, letting his tongue dart out to wet his lips as he started to move against Havoc. ''Tease...'' he breathed, through a slight grin.

''You love it,'' Jean replied through a well controlled moan. He thrust again, shivering briefly from the fresh wave of pleasure the movement caused.

''Maybe if--'' he was interrupted by a gasp, ''--I'd been alone long enough the past two weeks to even jack off,'' the smaller blonde hissed, clinging tightly to Havoc and biting his collarbone.

''Poor baby.'' The amusement was unmistakable, and rather out of place at the moment. We'll just have to take care of that, won't we? And in order to do just that, he nipped Ed's earlobe and ground roughly, grabbing the alchemist's butt again to control the movement entirely.

A slightly ragged gasp was muffled against Havoc's chest. ''Fuck... Come on, dammit...''

Havoc purred. ''I still think...'' He paused to take a steadying breath, slowing down. ''..You need to work on that attitude...'' He slipped a hand under Edward's pants to slip his fingers between his cheeks, touching that special spot. ''Are you suggesting,'' he purred lowly, ''that I just turn you around and fuck you against my door?''

The smaller blonde shivered, licking his lips again. ''I'm a little suprised...you haven't done it already...''

''I try to have a bit more decency than that,'' Havoc breathed, enjoying the banter. ''Besides, anyone could be waking past in the hallway... It'd be interesting if they heard you..'' He smirked again, dipping his finger in experimentally.

''You say 'interesting' instead of 'bad'...'' Ed swallowed hard, trying to keep his breaths even. ''And I wasn't even talking about decency...'' He tried his best to arch his back against Havoc's strong grip. ''I was talking about need...''

''But as much as I might need to just turn you around, I'm not indecent enough to do it when what you need is still in the side drawer.'' Havoc pushed his finger a bit more, drawing Ed away from the door.

Ed hissed slightly, shuddering. ''Then what are we still doing here?''

''Moving, Ed, we're moving.'' That said, the taller blonde drew Ed farther into the room, turned, and carefully directed him towards the bedroom.

Ed found that he really didn't have much room for complaint anymore, letting himself be ushered to the bedroom. He was damn glad to be back, even if he'd have to leave so Al didn't ask too many questions. He figured that after this, though, he might be better off staying the night anyway.

That was starting to seem like it was about to prove true. As soon as the bed was within a tolerable distance, there was a great show of stripped pants and shirts hitting the floor one after the other, and Havoc was pushing Ed back against the sheets with a kiss.

The younger arched up against Havoc, pulling him as close as he could.

Havoc moaned through the kiss, expertly opening the drawer with one hand and fumbling for the lube. He went through the process quickly, leaving hot kisses against Ed's neck as he did so until he was already sliding a slick finger back inside his lover.

The smaller blonde squirmed slightly, threading human fingers through Havoc's hair. It hadn't been too long, this should be going faster, dammit.

Granting Edward's wishes, a second finger quickly filed in next to the first, and shortly after that, a third. Havoc gazed down at his lover heatedly, still vaguely amused by the other blonde's constantly impatient state. He pulled his hands away, trailing one up Ed's chest and tracing the boy's lips. Havoc leaned down, nuzzling his ear. ''I don't want to fuck you, Edward,'' Havoc whispered. Already feeling the inevitable whine threaten the horizon, he continued quickly. ''I missed you, and I want to make love to you properly.''

Ed's tongue snaked out to curl around one of Havoc's fingers, attempting to draw it into his mouth. Even still, the longer you draw this out... I'll go insane...

Havoc shivered slightly as he reveled at the sight. He smiled, leaning in to kiss Edward's cheek. He gave the soft skin a lick, then drew his tongue down the younger man's throat to his collar bone. Some day, Havoc mused, some day you will learn to appreciate going slow, Edward. He took a quick nip at one of the buds on Eds chest, then looked up at Ed's impatient look with a laid back, seductive one of his own as he finally went to where Ed wanted it most. Hell if I know when that will be, though.

Taking his own time to make sure that, yes, things were indeed actually ready and it wasn't just Ed saying they were ready, Havoc began to push in. One hand slid over Ed's hip, and the other up to his lover's flesh hand.

Ed's fingers locked with Havoc's, gripping tightly as he forced the rest of his body to stay relaxed. He let out a soft, whimpering moan at the feeling of being slowly filled, his automail hand skating metal fingers down Jean's side. His half-lidded gaze burned with desire, and he wet his lips again.

Taking a slow breath, Havoc squeezed Ed's hand in return, dropping a kiss on his hair. He shifted a little and shuddered. "You alright?"

The smaller blonde shifted as well, letting out a breath that sounded distinctly like 'notifyoudon'tfuckingmoveNOW'.

No, Havoc certainly did not have the slightest idea when Edward's day of patience would emerge. He muttered something along the lines of "fine, fine," but it came out more like an affectionate purr than any real words. The hand on Edward's hip gripped slightly, finalizing the postion before the tall blonde finally began moving like his small counterpart so desperately wished him to.

Not that Havoc really minded, seeing as even a mere two weeks had tightened things up a bit, and he would be damned if anyone tried to get him to say that it was anything other than rather really fucking good. Havoc swallowed a pleasurable groan and set the pace with moving hips. He went slowly at first, if only because it would fire Ed up to no end.

Ed untangled his flesh hand from Havoc's, slipping his arm around the taller man's back, automail carefully gripping the other's hip. He didn't bother to hide the strangled half-moan as Havoc hit just there, trying to encourage the man to speed up, goddammit, more, as his hips rocked back of their own volition.

Further influenced by the pleasure spreading up through his body, Havoc allowed Ed's hips to rock them into a faster speed. He pressed against his lover, looking for that spot again just to hear that sound leave Ed's lips once more. He moaned again, Ed's name leaving his own lips as a gasp at the end, and he gave him more.

The smaller blonde shifted his hips just slightly and oh, fuck, there it was again, grip around Havoc's shoulders tightening. The sound that left his lips this time was a touch louder, graced with a bit of colorful language and the other's name as well.

Havoc groaned outwardly at the sound, loving it. The hand on Ed's hip ghosted over the boy's groin, just ever so slightly tracing up him. "I hope," Havoc whispered heatedly to him between short gasps of breath, "you're nearly there." Hot breath warmed the curve of Ed's ear, and it followed the curve of his neck as Havoc carefully marked Ed's shoulder. Not too noticeable but... mistakes happened. Especially when both of them were so distracted and oh fuck, that one was good.

Ed responded with a rather unintelligible moan, right leg curled against Havoc's side as he whimpered and pleaded for faster and touch me and ohgodJeansoclose!

One thing led to another, and Havoc was responding with actions that spoke far louder than words. An expert hand slid up and down Ed from tip to base, stroking slower than he was thrusting, but it was doing exactly what his lover needed at the moment. A flurry of unintelligible murmurings were pressed to Ed's ear, translatable only for his lover at that moment.

The taller man was cut off by a nearly strangled gasp of "Ed!", and he was pulling the smaller body back hard as the pleasure flooded him and tried to take Ed with it.

Havoc's voice, along with everything else, threw Ed over the edge with a strangled cry that carried Jean's name. As tight as he clung to the older man, he was sure to leave bruises with his automail, but as he rode the waves, he couldn't find it in himself to care.

Havoc winced sligthly at the grip, but really didn't care anymore than Ed did at the moment. He took a gasp of breath, wetting his lips as he let himself rest on top of Ed for a short bit as the two of them lay in the glory of their happy afterglow. After a while, Havoc purred in Ed's ear and made his move to reluctantly part from him.

Ed let slip a sigh as Havoc pulled away, feeling a sudden and short-lived feeling of pure emptiness. He curled automatically against his taller partner, nestling his head up under the man's chin and placing light kisses along his skin. "Missed you..." he murmured, reluctant to move despite the need to get clean, despite the fact that he hadn't actually told Al he'd be gone that long, but who was he kidding? His brother probably already had a notion as to where he went so often, and the 'I'm going to the library' excuse probably only worked the first couple of times, now that he thought about it.

Jean ran his fingers fondly over the blonde mess of Ed's braid as he curled an arm around him. "Missed you too," he said as an affectionate smile played over his face. He lightly kissed the top of Ed's head, perfectly content with how they were at the moment. He could probably take a nap right now, if he really wanted to. There was nothing to complain about here... except perhaps the possibility that there was a clanking sound drifting around Central as a particular someone searched for a midget. Shrimp. No, wait. .. Blonde. Yes, a certain blonde.

It was warm, it was cozy, and oh hell, Havoc hated being the one that was supposed to be acting the older and sensible part. He sighed a touch remorsefully, nuzzling Edward. "Much as I don't want to right at the moment, we should probably get cleaned up before we're glued to each other. I imagine that could be a bit embaressing. And painful. I'd rather it not be painful."

Ed stifled a yawn and reluctantly stretched out, rolling onto his back with the slightest wince. "'m hungry, too..." He let his head fall to the side so he could look at Havoc.

Havoc lifted an amused eyebrow before shaking his head and chuckling softly. "Always hungry," he commented lightly. He reached over to the bedside drawer, picking up the pack of cigarettes that sat on it's surface. He turned a grin at Ed as he set one of the thin white sticks between his lips, angling his head toward the bathroom as he forced himself to leave the comfy sheets to sit up and swing his legs over the bed. "I'll make you some lunch afterwards."

That earned a somewhat lazy smile, though Ed didn't really make much of a move to get up.

"Or I could just eat all of it myself, if the bed is too tall for you to get out of."

Ed growled half-heartedly, rolling to the edge of the bed and sitting up. "You wouldn't..."

Havoc patted his bare stomach, rolling the cigarette in his mouth. "Oh, I would. And it would taste great. You'd be sorry you missed it, stuck in the bed."

Ed frowned, though now that the adrenaline had worn off, he realized that damn, a nice, hot shower would be heaven right now.

Shameless in the comfort of his own home, Havoc got up off the bed and strode over the bedroom door. He crossed his arms at the doorway, turning to Ed with a beckoning grin.

Returning the grin with one of his own, Ed stood and followed Havoc. Hell, who was he to complain about anything the man could offer?

-------

Roy stared absently down at the stack of paperwork left for his completion, twirling his pen between his fingers. He glanced up at the clock, taking note of how he'd probably be forced to skip lunch again, and sighed, looking back to the stack of papers and dragging one down. He skimmed it rather uninterestedly, scrawling his name where it was required and setting the atrocious thing in his (considerably small) out pile.

Somewhere in the middle of one of his signatures, a sudden (and rather inappropriate) memory surfaced, and he nearly ended up scratching a hole in the paper he'd been signing. Fuck... He finished the signature with a bit more flourish than he'd meant to put into it, as if attempting to make up for the odd scribble he'd made at the sudden (and very vivid) memory of Havoc's... Fuck, this is not making it very easy to concentrate...

He tried in vain to shake the thoughts from his head, finally giving up on paperwork for the time being. A glance at the clock showed lunch break had just started, so he swiftly excused himself. A bit of fresh air might help clear his head, anyway, and no, Lieutenant Hawkeye, I'm not feeling quite well, I might take off early today, please don't shoot me.

Somehow he managed to wind up in the mess hall, honestly the last place he needed to be. For a moment, he just stood there, before snapping out of it and deciding that hell, he was here, he might as well get something to eat.

Fury was leaving the lunchline as his Colonel was stepping in to it, and looked on in relief. He was afraid that maybe Colonel Mustang was skipping lunch again because of his paperwork. This meant that he must have finished it, so Lieutenant Hawkeye wouldn't have to threaten him after all. Fury's assumptions were far from the truth, but they made the fellow content and happy anyway as he sat down at his lunch table.

"I think the Colonel finished his paperwork early today!" he pronounced cheerfully to the table.

"Oh?" Farman mused, nodding slightly. "Well that's good."

Breda was not affected by the news, continuing to eat his potatoes and muse over whatever it was that was going on in his brain. Havoc didn't seem all that interested either, and Fury frowned slightly. Oh well. He sat down across from Farman, and the two started a quiet conversation about how nice it was that there wouldn't be any shooting that afternoon.

Havoc took a bite of his meal, chewing lightly as his gaze drifted over to where he could see Roy. He actually was a bit curious, and was admittedly slightly relieved to see his commanding officer getting something to eat. He had not seemed to be getting enough to eat recently, and Havoc brushed off the small wave of guilt that this was his fault. He gathered that it probably was, but then he reminded himself that Roy was doing this to himself. The blonde frowned, shovelling another bite of meat surprise into his mouth.

Roy managed a smile for the lunch lady, who seemed to be asking whether he wanted one selection or another, neither of which sounded good. He had the feeling that it wouldn't really be such a good idea to voice to her that what he really wanted was a nice large serving of Second Lieutenant with a side of Elric. That wouldn't do at all. He thanked her, but only ended up taking an apple, taking a bite as he turned to leave, a flash of blonde catching his eye. It wasn't as if there weren't other blondes in the mess, far from it, but he just had to pick Jean out of all of them. Well fuck.

''You know, the Colonel hasn't been lookin' too great.'' Havoc blinked, looking up to see that Breda was giving Mustang a considering look. His fellow Second Lietenant met Havoc's look with one of his own. ''He hasn't been the only one, but.. maybe you should go talk to him, see what's up.''

Havoc poked at another piece of meat. ''You think I should?''

Breda simply rose an eyebrow, implying the question of 'well, why wouldn't you?' Havoc sighed, setting his fork down. Of course he would be the one to go talk to Mustang. It would be odd if he was suddenly unwilling to go speak to the man after always being willing to before. That was before all of this though.. Ah, shit.

''I'm going,'' he said after a moment, leaving his tray behind on the table as he made the unwanted trip towards Roy.

Oh hell... Roy schooled his expression, though his smile still seemed a bit strained as the blonde approached. Don't get too close Jean... Not now... Any other time but not now...

He hadn't meant to, but Havoc couldn't help but looked troubled as he stopped in front of Roy. Havoc rubbed the short hair on the back of his head as he looked down at Roy, not sure about what the hell he was going to say. He had been attempting to think of something as he walked over, but found he couldn't come up with anything to make this sudden encounter any less uncomfortable. ''Ehr..'' He didn't give any thought to the strained look Roy's smile had, having accustomed himself to the look over the past few weeks. The blonde sighed, oblivious to the thoughts in Roy's mind as he just went with whatever decided to come out of his mouth first. ''The other guys are worried about you.''

''Are they? There's really no need, I'm fine,'' Roy insisted, taking another bite out of his apple to avoid saying anything unnecessary.

''You are looking a bit under the weather, sir,'' Havoc said carefully, watching Roy chew the bite of apple. Don't keep doing this because of us.

''Don't be silly, Lieutenant.'' Is it really that obvious? I suppose I'll have to try harder to hide it, won't I.

''I didn't think I was.'' Havoc frowned somewhat. ''Nobody wants you getting sick or anything.''

''I'm perfectly fine, as I keep insisting,'' Roy lied, choosing to avert his gaze towards the door.

''A sign that you're anything but,'' Havoc retaliated, briefly considering the situation. He nodded slightly, resting a hand on his hip. ''You'd be taking advantage of the entire situation and heading the Hell out of here early if that was the case. The rest of the guys know you better than that, sir. I know you better than that.''

''You're not making any sense, Lieutenant.'' Roy mentally cursed himself for even thinking just then about trying to find a loophole that would give him a logical excuse to drag Havoc back to his office.

''Just saying that I don't think you're feeling fine, no matter how much you insist on it.'' The smallest spark of guilt darkened Havoc's eyes for a moment, but he shook it clear as he steeled his expression. ''Don't go overworking yourself, okay?''

Catching that brief spark, Roy did it anyway. ''I'd like to see you in my office, Lieutenant, if you wouldn't mind.'' Being where they were, though, really left the man without any option other than to follow as Roy walked off, tossing the half-eaten apple in the trash on his way out.

"Of course, sir," The blonde answered automatically. Havoc knew he had been stuck at the words ''I'd like.'' He really couldn't say 'no,' not with the sort of people that were in the cafeteria with them. It would end up putting both of them in undesirable postions, and that was one of the last things Havoc wanted to end up happening at this point. His frown deepened, a small twinge of worry stirring somewhere as he glanced at the trash and then moved to catch up with Roy.

The odd little worry only deepened as they ended up upstairs. Havoc found himself hesitating briefly before crossing the threshold of Roy's office. He looked at his Colonel expectantly, hoping that the odd little feeling in his gut was all for nothing at all. ''Sir?''

''Make yourself comfortable, have a seat or something...'' Roy's entire demeanor changed the second they stepped into the office, doors closed and, perhaps as an afterthought (or not a thought at all), locked. He stood with his back to Havoc at the moment, not quite sure he trusted himself to keep his distance if he looked at the man just then. ''I was thinking about you...'' he commented absently.

Havoc shifted slightly as he took a seat in one of the chairs, blue eyes flicking up to watch Roy carefully. A blonde eyebrow arched slightly at Roy's words, and he titled his head a bit. ''Oh?'' Havoc mused on that for a second. ''I see...''

The dark-haired man moved to take a seat across from Havoc, trying to keep his eyes focused on the window. ''It's been a while since we've just sat and talked...'' he said, as if the past month had been years. ''I've thought about you a lot since then...'' Every single night, every woman in my bed, every day at work...

Havoc hid a sigh. ''Look, Roy...'' Havoc shook his head slightly. Not sure exactly where he was going with that, Havoc sighed openly and shrugged back in the chair. ''I think there's something you want to say, so...'' Havoc was easing into it. Gently. The ice was thin here, and Havoc didn't want either of them breaking something now. ''Just say it, if you do.''

''I want you back...'' Roy murmured quietly, inwardly (and perhaps outwardly) flinching at how...not him he sounded. Need, he told himself. Something almost foreign to him, at least at this strength.

The blonde winced, keeping quiet for a bit. Deep down, he'd known that this was probably going to be what the conversation would end up as, or something similar to it. And honestly, Havoc wasn't ready to be continuing that conversation yet. Last time had ended with his nerves shot to hell, and he was more than certain that things hat not gone smoothly at all on Roy's end. The sudden urge for a cigarette hit him hard, and Havoc ignored his nerves enough to keep his hands under control and away from his pockets. He looked away from the desk at the other side of the room, closing his eyes for a moment as he replied softly, ''You know that can't happen, Roy.''

Havoc's words struck deep and hard, soft as they might have been uttered, and Roy was very suddenly nearly overwhelmed by them. He swallowed at the lump rising in his throat in hopes it would go away. ''Is it selfish of me...to wish that there could still be a chance...?'' If I could take it back I would, Jean, you know that, right? He chanced a look at the blonde across from him, the ache, the need suddenly that much worse because of it.

''It's... not selfish to wish for it.'' Havoc said, opening his eyes again to stare hard at the wall he was facing. ''But it won't change things.'' The blonde covered his mouth with one hand, not looking at Roy. He knew if he did, the image of Ed's grinning face would probably break down into something far too saddenng to think about. It can't change things.

''I know...'' Somehow he should have expected that. He should have known already that Havoc wasn't just going to come running back. Hell, somewhere inside he had known, but he still didn't want to believe it. Those few days surfaced fresh again, and he shivered slightly, eyes slipping half-closed for just a moment. For you alone...

Havoc bit his lip, making a move to stand up from his chair. ''I should leave. This conversation won't end well, and I'm probably not helping matters for you at all...''

''Please don't go...'' Dark eyes widened at the sound of his own voice, but somehow he continued. ''Not again...''

The blonde's grip tightened on the back of the chair, and he risked a shaky glance at him. ''Roy...'' His voice held a low warning to it, though whether it was for Roy or himself, it really couldn't be determined. I have to... Now.-

''I need you...''

Shit. Havoc tore his gaze away, turning away from Roy sharply to look at the door. A cigarette was between his lips and his lighter was coaxing a flame into life before he even realized it. He couldn't deal with this. Not with Roy talking in that voice. Not with that look. Not without a bit of nicotine calming him the fuck down.

''Don't, Roy.''

''I've given you more than I've given anyone my entire life, can you blame me for not wanting to let that go?'' Roy heard the tear in his own voice, felt the harsh sting in his eyes and cursed himself, so close to breaking all over again.

At first, the only answer Roy received was a thin stream of smoke. Havoc took a breath, licking his lips briefly as he held the cigarette in his hand. ''I'm not blaming you for it,'' he said slowly, staring steadfastly at the door. He was not going to watch his former lover break down again. He was not. ''But there are things that I don't want to lose either.''

''Is there truly nothing I can do, Jean? Is there nothing I can do but sit here every day and slowly lose my mind because I can't forget even if it would be easier to?!'' Roy clenched his fists, willing himself to stay where he was. Don't think I've forgotten Ed, either...

''Yes, Roy, I truly think there's nothing you can do in this situation. There's nothing any of us can do to make this a truly happy ending, but you of all people should know we're not living in a story where there'll always be one.'' Havoc glanced at him briefly over his shoulder, his expression calm and steady now that he believed he was in a position to carry on. ''We've each had our chances with each other, and each of us has fucked something up. This is just how things have ended up, and I'm sorry.''

''I don't think I can take no for an answer, Jean... Not after last time...'' I told you, I can't lose both of you... God damn give me one last chance PLEASE!

The memory brought a familiar shiver down Havoc's spine, forcing the blonde to stare at the hardwood door again. ''Whatever you say, I can't tell you yes,'' he murmured quietly, his voice faint enough that it almost didn't reach Roy. His collectiveness was threatening to give way again, because damn this hurt deep down. He wanted out of the room and away from the conversation, but Havoc couldn't bring himself to unlock the door and leave yet.

Roy shook his head, standing and moving behind Havoc. He kept about a foot of space between them, hesitant to get any closer. ''There's nobody left for me if I can't have you... If I can't have him...'' he whispered, so very tempted to take that last step, throw his arms around his Lieutenant and never let go.

Havoc stood rigid on the spot, lowering his head and shutting his eyes against the view of the carpet. ''You know that's a lie.'' He said it a bit harsher than he had meant to, but he made no effort to go back smooth the edges back down.

''No, Jean. It's not...'' Despite his determination, Roy found himself moving forward, pressing against Havoc's back and shutting his eyes tight. ''There will never be another I can hold as close to my heart as you...'' He felt the tears fighting their way out, loosely clinging to Havoc's uniform jacket. ''I'm selfish and pathetic, Jean...''

And it was there that Havoc was presented with a choice. He could turn around and comfort the man that he had once thought he was in love with, or he could pull away from that man's embrace and walk out his door. And when it came down to the two of them, each decision was one of the cruelest things that Jean Havoc could do in that situation.

''Shut up,'' he said finally. A hand rested on top of Roy's head, and Havoc looked down at him from his turned position, smoke trailing up from the tip of the burning stick in his mouth. ''Just.. you know, stop speaking for a bit.''

Roy leaned against Havoc, burying his face against the man's chest and breathing deep of a scent he hadn't realized he'd missed so bad until last month. I'm sorry for all the mistakes, heaven forbid you pity me for this though, that's one of the few things I don't need from you...

It was awkward to stand there like that, and yet it was familiar at the same time. He let his fingers thread through Roy's hair, remembering its silky feeling against his fingertips. The taller man sighed, allowing the other man this moment. This isn't a chance. This won't go any farther... But he could let Roy calm down. That's what he could do, and Havoc stood as his support.

"Jean..." Roy's grip tightened slightly as soft words left his lips. "Did I ever tell you...how much I loved you..."

''Probably...'' Havoc managed to mumble in reply. He wasn't sure if Roy ever had or not. He really didn't want to know if he had or not right now. Don't.

''I'm sorry...'' he murmured, face migrating closer to Havoc's shirt collar without any real thought. ''I should have said it more...''

''What's done is done. You don't have to dwell on it,'' Havoc told him, willing the colonel to start drifting back to his usual self and get over things. It wasn't going to happen, but he could hope for it. ''It'd be better if you didn't...''

''What else am I going to have but memories, Jean?'' He had to stretch his neck a bit to reach Havoc's shoulder, the tip of his nose barely brushing the blonde's ear. He was pushing at their boundaries, he knew, but he was beyond the point of being able to just step away.

There was a warning squeeze on Roy's shoulder, as Havoc also knew the boundaries were being threatened. ''Most people are content with their memories, from what I can tell from them...'' He rose his eyes to the ceiling, wishing the warm breath touching his neck would leave before something worse happened.

The dark haired man ignored the warning, filing it away in the back of his mind, the part that wasn't getting desperate. ''I'll be content with my memories once I can't ever look upon you again... But you're still here, so my memories torture me...'' His grip on Havoc's lapels tightened minutely, lips just barely brushing against his neck. ''I'm sorry...'' he murmured, whether for what he was doing, or something else, it was unclear.

Havoc sucked in a breath, starting to feel a bit lost in the situation. Things were starting to go beyond his control, beyond that position of standing there to support Roy, beyond what Havoc knew was the wrong thing to be doing at the moment. And yet he didn't know how to pull himself away from the situation. He bit down with the intention of biting his lip, but found the forgotten cigarette butt instead.

''The ashes,'' he heard himself say, distantly aware that the cigarette had burned down quite a bit and that the ashes were threatening to plop right on top of Roy's head. He took that moment to pull away from Roy, moving purposefully to the trashbin and away from the uncomfortable feelings. The places on his neck that Roy's mouth had grazed seemed to tingle, and Havoc took another sharp breath, knowing the uncomfortableness was probably far from over.

Roy nearly collapsed at the sudden lack of support, nearly whimpered at the lack of warmth, but caught himself on both counts.

Havoc was back at Roy's side in moments, his hands clasped firmly on Roy's shoulders. He had re-steeled his expression, and he looked down hard at the shorter man. "You're stronger than a memory, Roy. You're stronger than that."

Roy reached up to brush his fingertips against Havoc's cheek. "Not this one, Jean..."

He didn't really intend to do it so abruptly, but Havoc automatically turned his face away from Roy's questing fingers. "You'll have to be, Roy. We can't keep doing this to each other."

One hand fisted tightly in Havoc's uniform, the other more confidently (still not quite firmly) tracing along his jawline, back into blonde hair. He tugged, perhaps a bit harder than he'd really needed to, in order to bring the man down far enough that his breath whispered across his ear. "I can't..."

Havoc averted his eyes, his hands giving another warning squeeze on Roy's shoulders. "Roy.. Don't..."

Again, Roy ignored the warning, pressing on as he refused to let go. "I don't want to hear you say that, Jean..." He pressed his lips to the spot just under Havoc's ear, but even then didn't stop, everything a breathy murmur against the blonde's neck. "I don't think I knew before... Before I could've just forgotten but after what you did...what I gave... I can't..." A steadying breath. "Without you there's an emptiness that will never leave me..."

Havoc jerked back suddenly, giving Roy a long, hard look from an arm's length away as he attempted to think of anything at all to bring this conversation back down to something that wasn't quite so... intimate.

''Roy, you're going positively emo on me, and you need to stop. Now. Before you sink any farther into this shit that you're putting yourself through.''

Roy still managed to keep a hold of Havoc's lapels, pulling against the man's grip on his shoulders. "I can't let go..." I want you... He felt the sting of tears again, tried to blink away blurred vision. So bad... His legs were starting to feel weak, and despite both their grips he swayed a little. Inside...oh god... Dark eyes nearly glazed over, the faintest flush creeping onto his cheeks. Fuck...

Blonde brows furrowed as a look of concern flitted over Havoc's features. "Roy," He said firmly, reinforcing his hold on the man as he threatened to fall backwards. He took in the look on Roy's face, his worry becoming a bit more prominent. Either Roy was overdoing it, or something else entirely was happening and that barest flush meant.. "..Oi!"

Nothing.

"Roy." Havoc snapped at him, pulling the man back close to him by his uniform. "Roy!"

Upon being drawn closer again, Roy's reaction was almost instantaneous. "Jean..." he breathed, a shiver running down his spine as he clung once more to Havoc's uniform.

''Fuck,'' Havoc muttered disconcertedly, mostly to himself.. He absentmindedly stroked Roy's back, shaking his head. ''You're going to freak people out, doin' things like that...'' Havoc skirted around the issue, trying to dance away from it entirely.

''I want to feel that way again, Jean... I want to put control in your hands...'' Roy whispered, fisting his hands in Havoc's jacket and goddamn not letting go for anything.

Havoc sighed lightly, knowing he was trapped in the corner on this one. ''I can't do that, Roy,'' he said lowly, softly, though there was an overshadowed sound of exasperation there. He shifted, vaguely uncomfortable with the strong hold on him. ''I already told you that time was a mistake...''

''A mistake?!'' Roy snapped, fiery eyes lifted to meet Havoc's as he shook with barely contained emotion. ''Do you honestly believe that? After what you did you're telling me it was a mistake!?'' He couldn't stop the tears, but he glared through them. ''After I gave you everything I had to give...'' he added in a barely audible whisper.

''Do you honestly want me to answer that?'' Havoc snapped back at him. The moment he had seen the fire in Roy's eyes, there had been something heavy and cold plowing him in the stomach. Somehow he was acting above the icy feeling of dread, raising himself up straight and tall, despite the tears on Roy's face that desperately wanted to pull havoc back down with them. ''You don't want me to answer that right now, Roy,'' Havoc said harshly.

Love and life were absolute bitches, and they were trying their best to get both men down. They were determined not to let this down gently, and it was clearly getting reflected in the glares getting shot between the two. ''It's sure as hell not going to be anything along the lines of 'I'm sorry, it was actually an excellent idea.'''

Roy's eyes fell back to some point in the middle of Havoc's chest, suddenly uncertain again. ''I know that...'' You're my strongest support... In this, you're my last support... What am I supposed to do if I lose you?

"It was my fault though." The quiet admission hung in the air, seeming much louder in the silence of the office. "It was my mistake," Havoc continued on, the cold tones in his voice directed towards himself. "Which is why I don't intend to do that to you again, Roy. Or to Ed. Even if he wasn't part of the picture it would just make things more complicated for you." Havoc gently placed his hands over Roy's, coaxing them to loosen their grips. "There's nothing about me that is worth any of this," he continued in a sullen voice, confessing thoughts that he'd rather just leave untouched. "I told you that too. I meant that. I still mean that."

"Think that all you want, Jean. You're worth anything and everything to me..." The dark-haired man loosened his grip just slightly, but only because he was starting to see that nothing he did was going to make much of a difference in anything. Inwardly, he grinned wryly at the term 'useless'.

Havoc shook his head at that, but said nothing for a moment. This was his mess, he knew, and he didn't know how to fix it. That was the worst part. The blonde frowned, distancing his thoughts. He slipped Roy's hands away from his uniform, muttering, "Everyone is going to be back soon."

"I don't care, I'm going home. Hawkeye can shoot me in the head for all I care, it would just save me the money on alcohol."

That said, Roy brushed past Havoc, going for his coat and pausing just long enough to wipe his eyes and make some attempt at composing himself.

Havoc attempted to ignore the insisting guilty pang that was nibbling at him as he watched Roy prepare himself to go out and challenge the world (or at least the military). He slowly followed Roy's lead, and gave him a slight side glance as he set his hand on the door handle. "I know you don't want to hear this from me, especially not now... but... don't overdo it, Roy."

"If you'd like to come with me, I'd really appreciate the company..." Roy lifted his head to look at Havoc, a slightly strained smile on his face that, underneath, was almost, almost pleading. He assumed that he already knew the answer, though; there would be that underlying risk that if Havoc joined him, things might get out of hand, and he knew that it was better if he just went alone. And yet still he asked, somehow still hoping after all. It would be bad and you know it, don't you?

The blonde gave Roy a sad little smile. 'Any other time, you know I would go with you,' it said. He knew perfectly well what could end up happening, and he knew that such an event would just make the entire fiasco repeat itself. Havoc shook his head slightly. 'Some other time' didn't feel right when he tried to say it, and he just let the request go by quietly. He was sure Roy knew what he meant anyway.

Dark eyes showed that yes, he did understand, and 'I thought you'd say that, anyway.' Still, Roy couldn't quite help but tug Havoc down into one last kiss, memorizing everything about it to keep tucked away in his memories. This was a kiss goodbye, and he was admitting that finally; this meant 'farewell' and 'good luck' and 'be happy with him, you deserve it', and he hoped Havoc realized that.

When he finally pulled away, he felt a little empty, but not so much as he had been earlier. Now, he could start to move on. His smile seemed a bit more true now, and though he was still heading home to drink, he knew he wasn't going to overdo it.

His 'thank you' was silent, a hand placed over Havoc's in order to open the office door, the slightest brush of shoulders as he left the room, an arm casually lifted in a lazy semblance of a wave over his shoulder.

I'll always be watching your back, and I'll never forget you.