The Freedom of Destiny

A/N: Sorry for the long wait for the next chapter, year end stuff is happening and I've had grad stuff to do as well as preparing for my finals so I haven't really had much time to myself to work on my fanfiction. It's been very neglected as of late, except for a few editions of stuff that I wrote when I should've been reviewing (which I nearly got into a lot of trouble for) and some uploading of some stuff that I should have uploaded a while ago. I really hate how I've been neglecting my fanfiction... once summer starts up, I'll be free to work on them non-stop for the most part. I write more during the summer months anyways.
Also, I apologize that this chapter isn't as long as the others; I couldn't really think of all that much to put into it, but I tried my best.
WARNING! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MENTIONS OF THINGS OF A SEXUAL AND NON-CONSENSUAL NATURE. IF ANYTHING OF THIS SORT OFFENDS YOU, I SUGGEST YOU TURN BACK NOW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Disclaimer: Gundam SEED Destiny is the property of Bandai, Hajime Yatate, and Yoshiyuki Tomino. I own Harmony and the plot; that's it.
Dedication: This fanfic is dedicated to one of my closest friends, Kate. Thanks for the inspiration and all the times that you've been there for me. This story is for you.

Phase 6: Hatred of Vengeance

If you were to look into Shinn Asuka's eyes at this moment in time, you'd think he was dead.

The normally bright and vibrant red irises were dull and empty; soulless. His clothes were askew and looked like he'd put them on in the dark as he stumbled away from his shared room with Rey. Right now, the last thing that he wanted was to be around people; being around them, especially people who were still 'pure', made him feel even more dirty and horrible. He needed to get away.

The closest place that Shinn could get to were the cliffs overlooking the sea. Taking a motorcycle from the base, he'd ditched his uniform for civilian clothes and took off as quickly as he could; speeding along the treacherous roads in an effort to leave his feelings behind him. It didn't work.

He didn't care that he wasn't wearing a helmet; didn't care that if he crashed he'd most likely die, nothing really mattered to him anymore. All he knew, and cared about, was that Kira would be sad if he did perish and that he would never know why or the details of it. But that made him feel horribly guilty inside; that he would be continuing to let Kira love someone and mourn for someone who didn't deserve it.

After all, for letting Durandul... for letting him violate himself like that, was unforgivable. He didn't deserve Kira's love. Maybe he never had.

His hands shook as he tightened them on the handle bars, tears threatening to blur his sight. Pulling off onto a shoulder of the highway, Shinn let the motorcycle land on its side before dropping to his knees on the hard stone and letting his emotions take him.

Shinn didn't know how long he stayed there weeping; but it didn't make him feel any better, for no amount of tears could undue what had happened. Eventually he curled himself into a ball and just stayed like that, the tears leaving trails of salt water on his face. Whenever he closed his eyes, images replayed back to him; draining him further.

Soon, his eyes could no longer stay open; his body was too drained and exhausted to stay awake. He collapsed into a dreamless slumber right there on the shoulder of the highway.

~*~

“Wake up mister! Wake up!” Shinn's eyes twitched at the poking his was receiving and the near childish voice that was calling to him. When one of those hands grabbed his shoulder, his eyes shot wide open and he sat up suddenly, scaring the person, and flew backwards from them; eyes wide and fearful. The contact had brought back horrible memories.

It took several long minutes for Shinn to regain some control over himself. The young girl, because she couldn't be much older then he was, stared back at him with hauntingly familiar magenta eyes. Her blond hair was short, cut to about chin length, and she wore a pretty blue sun dress; over all, she looked too innocent for her age, but was none the less rather pretty.

“Stellar apologizes, she didn't think that she would scare you so,” she apologized. Shinn wondered vaguely why she chose to talk in third person, but dismissed it; she was an odd girl. “But Stellar was worried that you might have been in trouble and she only wanted to help...”

“Shinn.”

“Huh?”

“Shinn, that's my name.” Shinn hadn't realized how rough his voice was. It was quiet and lifeless; devoid of any emotion, just like his eyes.

“Oh... Stellar is happy that Shinn is alive,” Stellar nodded to herself. “She was worried that Shinn might have had an accident and was injured, so she is glad that you're okay.” The childlike innocence of Stellar was shocking to Shinn; he'd never thought that he'd see that sort of emotion in someone again, especially someone his own age.

He numbly felt Mayu's phone vibrating in his pocket, pulling it out, he flipped it open.

16 missed calls.

Staring at the display for several long moments, Shinn wondered what he should do. The best choice would be to tell Kira straight out what had happened; but everything in his being screamed out at him not too, this was his shame to bear and not anyone else's. Besides, Kira would never want someone like him; not a damaged, broken person who couldn't even stop someone else from violating them against their will. No, Kira deserved someone better, someone who was pure and whole; like Lacus.

He felt something in his heart shatter, and the tears threatened to start anew.

Shinn hadn't realized that his hands had been shaking until he felt small, delicate hands covering them. Stellar was peering at him in confusion; looking very much like a lost child. But also... something about her was hauntingly familiar, Shinn just couldn't place where that familiarity was originating from.

“Is Shinn okay? He's shaking...” she frowned at him. “Did someone call Shinn?” Before he could say anything, the phone was slipped from his grasp and Stellar had deftly hit the redial button; calling whoever had called him last. Shinn stared open-mouthed, terrified. There was silence for a few moments.

“Shinn?! Shinn are you okay?!”

“Shinn is... shaking,” Stellar began. “Stellar doesn't know what is wrong with him.”

“Who is this?!”

“Stellar.” Shinn reached out for the phone desperately, trying to take it back from Stellar; she backed up a little, staying out of his reach. “She found Shinn on the road, unconscious and stopped to see if he was okay; but when he woke up and looked at his phone, he seemed sad and started to shake. Stellar wondered if maybe the person who called him knew what was wrong with him.”

“Stellar-san, where are you? I'll be there as soon as possible.”

“One of the cliff sides near Diokia, there is a really nice view of the ocean. Stellar wonders why it's so blue.”

The sound of an engine accelerating could be heard in the background over the phone, “Stellar, please put Shinn on the line.”

She wordlessly handed Shinn the phone. Shinn thought about slamming it closed, but then thought better of it, “... K-Kira...”

“Shinn! Where have you been?! What happened?! I've been so worried. You haven't returned any of my calls, and Harmony tried to call you four times to which you never responded.”

“I-I... I'm so sorry... Kira...” he couldn't help it; the sorrow slipped into his voice and he could feel that the flood gates were about to open once more. He wanted to get away; to hurl himself off the cliff and plunge to his death in the sea below, but something held him there.

“Why are you apologizing Shinn? You haven't done anything...”

Shinn shook his head wildly; he couldn't think straight right now, all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry. He wanted to be alone; but he also, and he was ashamed for this, wanted Kira to hold him in his arms again while he cried. But he couldn't do that, it would be selfish of him and cruel. There was no way that he would force himself on Kira like that, no, he couldn't; Kira was too important to him to do that, if Kira didn't want him, then he might as well throw himself into the ocean.

Kira was all he had.

“I... I... Kira I'm so sorry...” Shinn rambled apologizing continually. Stellar was watching him with concerned eyes; she eventually was beside him and wrapped her arms, somewhat awkwardly like she wasn't quite sure how to provide comfort, around his shoulders and squeezed them gently.

“Please, stop apologizing Shinn. Nothing that you've done could ever mean you have to apologize to me; I'm almost there. Please, please don't do anything stupid or reckless until I'm there, alright?”

In the wake of Kira's pleas, Shinn could do nothing but give in, “... yes, alright.”

“I love you Shinn.” He hung up. Shinn's shaking fingers closed the phone and he sagged into Stellar; breaking down.

For now, but for how much longer will you feel that way?

~*~

“Luna, you haven't seen Shinn this morning, have you?” Rey asked calmly. Luna shook her head.

“No, I haven't seen him since yesterday at the meeting with the chairman. Did he come back to his room yesterday?” she responded as the two proceeded towards the cafeteria for breakfast.

Rey shook his head, “I haven't seen him since yesterday as well. I'm a little concerned about him; it's not like him to stay away for so long.”

“Maybe he went back out into the city? You know, to get some air?” Luna offered as an explanation.

“Perhaps, but even so, it's not like Shinn to stay out at night. He's always here, except...”

Luna gasped, “That's right! He was missing the night before too!” Rey took this all into account; Gil had thought the Archangel was nearby, and that Shinn might have had some contact with crew members from it while in Orb...

Gil had been planning to convince Shinn to betray any information that he might know to them; for the betterment of the world.

Did Gil have something to do with Shinn's mysterious disappearance?

Rey didn't know.

But he wanted to find out; to know for certain what was wrong with Shinn.

After all, Shinn was the only one who he completely trusted on board Minerva; the only one who had shown him friendship despite of his actions.

Yes, Shinn was his friend.

~*~

“Shinn!”

Kira's skidded the motorcycle to a stop, leaping off of it before it had even come to a complete stop letting it skid along the rough stone. He landed expertly on both feet and raced over in three long strides; dropping to his knees in front of him. Shinn trembled and bit his lip, unsure of everything now. Eventually his tears won out and he threw himself at Kira, clinging to his shirt and burying his face into the corner of his neck. For a moment, Kira was surprised, then he wrapped his arms around Shinn, holding him to himself gently yet firmly.

Stellar watched with wide, confused, child-like eyes, she raised a finger to rest on her cheek thinking. It took a few moments, but her face lit up with realization, “Oh! You must be Shinn's special person.” Her face turned into a bright smile. “I'm Stellar!”

Kira returned the smile half-heartedly, most of his attention was focused on the crying teenager in his arms, “Thank you... for finding him Stellar-san. I'm Kira and... yes, I suppose that I am.”

She clapped her hands together happily, “Ah, then Stellar is happy.”

“K-Kira...” Shinn shuddered, hard. “I-I... I'm so-”

“No, no more apologizing Shinn,” Kira reprimanded softly, placing his fingers on the younger Coordinator's lips. “Please, try to calm down a little and tell me, please tell me, what's happened? What's wrong?”

“N-no... I-I...” Shinn shook his head wildly. “The-the chairman... he... he...” Hands tenderly rubbed soothing circles on his back, in an effort to offer comfort and calm him. Several long minutes passed, but Shinn just seemed closer to a panic attack then before; Kira was starting to worry and suspect the worst.

“Shinn...”

“Is there anything Stellar can do?” Stellar inched closer and tugged lightly on Shinn's sleeve; revealing dark bruises along his wrist and arms. “Shinn! You're injured!” His hands were suddenly pushing Shinn's sleeves up and examining the dark bruises carefully, his lavender eyes running over them; recognizing the tell-tale signs that hands had caused them.

“You... Shinn, take your jacket off.”

There was no room for argument in his tone. Shinn trembled terribly as he did so, pulling the high collared and long sleeved jacket off, letting it fall to the stone. He refused to meet Kira's shocked eyes, instead staring forlornly at the ground. This was it, his secret was out now. He squeezed his eyes closed and waited for the yelling to come; the rejection.

It didn't.

Instead, Stellar's delicate hands examined his arm that Kira had been looking at earlier; lightly touching the dark bruises, a look of worried wonder in her eyes. There was a loud ripping noise that jerked Shinn's eyes open. “S-Stellar!”

She'd torn the skirt of her dress into thin strips and was currently tying the ripped strips around the dark bruises on his wrists, he hadn't noticed the finger nail imprints and scabs that they'd left behind. Her eyes were harder now, sad almost. “Stellar doesn't want to see anyone hurt, to see more people... die...” At that word, her entire body started to tremble. “No... dying is bad... Stellar doesn't want to die.”

Wordlessly, Shinn placed his hand over her quivering hand, he couldn't smile; so he just tried his best to look comforting. Kira still hadn't said anything, his hand had instead raised wordlessly, brushing across the bruise on his cheek; when Shinn finally gathered the courage to look into his eyes, the expression there was unreadable. It looked... Shinn couldn't say, couldn't place it. He closed his eyes, trying to hold back more tears that threatened to spill over once again.

It was the sensation of lips brushing against the bruise on his cheek that his eyes shot wide open. Kira was watching him again, now though, the emotions were identifiable. Anger. Sorrow. Love.

Shinn gasped, Kira... Kira couldn't still... Kira still loved him?

“Kira...”

“Shinn, you idiot,” he pulled Shinn close, into a tight embrace. Stellar pulled back, kneeling beside them; feeling a little awkward at being witness to such a intimate scene. “Why...? Why didn't you return my calls and tell me?”

“You... I...” Shinn started crying, leaning into Kira. “I... I thought... you wouldn't love me... if you knew...”

Kira kissed Shinn's temple, “Nothing, and I mean nothing, could ever stop me from loving you. You're far, far too precious to me for me to be able to do that; I refuse to hurt you anymore Shinn.” His arms were firm around Shinn, a safe harbor. Yes, that was true; Kira's was safe, he'd protect him. “I'm sorry Shinn... I promised to protect you, I'm sorry that I couldn't.”

“N-no... it's not... not your fault.”

“Stellar thinks it's no one's fault but the person who did it and they should take responsibility for what they've done,” Stellar nodded firmly in her child-like way; it was odd and slightly unnerving that someone her age could still possess such childish innocence, but at the same time it offered hope for the future. Kira could see parts of who he'd been before becoming mixed up in the war with this girl. He'd already placed the magenta eyes and familiar set of the face.

But still, his first concern was Shinn, “I am not letting you go back there Shinn.”

“K-Kira...!” Shinn knew that he had too, that he should; but he also knew that there would be no getting around Kira, especially when he was determined. “I h-have too... you'd be in so much danger if you took me...”

“No buts Shinn,” Kira's voice was hard; he was definitely angry. “I am not allowing you to go back there, where I can't protect you and where there's no way that that bastard can hurt you like this again.” It was definite; Kira was angry.

Downright livid to be exact.

And it was scary.

Shinn shook as he clung to the older Coordinator, he didn't want to go back, truly he didn't. Staying with Kira would probably be safest for him, a place where he could try and recover some form of normalcy; in fact, it probably would be the only place that he could. Shinn closed his eyes, relaxing against Kira, and nodded.

Picking the trembling and near breaking point Shinn up bridal style, he was a little surprised that Stellar had already figured out what he was going to do and had righted his motorcycle for him; gently, he placed Shinn on the seat, kissing his forehead lightly before removing his hands from his shirt so that he could speak with Stellar. But first, he took several deep breaths; he needed to control his anger.

Durandul was a dead man walking. For violating and leaving his Shinn in such a state... Kira would be sure to see that his days were numbered. And that he, Kira, would be the one to pull the trigger.

Once he'd gained control of his anger, he turned to Stellar, “What about you Stellar-san? Would you like to come with us as well? Harmony would be happy to see you alive and well.”

Shinn started. That's where he'd seen the familiarity! This was Stellar! Harmony's sister! How could he have missed that?

“Harmony? Kira-san knows onee-chan?” Stellar's magenta eyes opened wide. Kira nodded.

“She's been looking for you for years now, Stellar, you still have a home to come back too,” Kira held out his hand to her. Stellar looked at it warily.

“Stellar... Stellar doesn't think she can... Stellar would let down Neo and Auel and Sting,” Stellar was muttering, arms wrapped carefully around herself. “But Stellar wants to see onee-chan...” Stellar stood there for several long moments before deciding. “Where is onee-chan? Stellar will go see her, but Stellar won't be able to stay; Stellar has people that she needs to return too.”

Pulling his hand back, Kira smiled, “Harmony is in Diokia at present, if you head there and to the Gentle Arms cafe, you'll find her there at noon.” Stellar beamed at him.

“Stellar thanks Kira-san! She'll go meet her onee-chan right now so that onee-chan knows that Stellar is safe and happy!” she turned and started skipping down the road towards town; it wasn't far, she'd be there before noon. Kira had a feeling she'd be safe, he turned back to his trembling love.

Straddling the motorcycle behind Shinn, Kira pulled the helmet onto him before pulling one on himself. He wrapped his arms around Shinn for a long moment, “I love you Shinn, remember that, because it won't change. No one will hurt you, not anymore.”

Shinn's eyes watered, but he didn't say anything as Kira revved up the engine and took off, speeding away from Diokia and the base and Zaft.

But most of all, away from the chairman.

As the miles passed, Shinn grew more and more relaxed; eventually collapsing into oblivion as they drove along the winding sea roads.

~*~

Urg, I should stop writing at obscenely early hours, but it's really the only time now that I have to work on my own fanfiction. I'm getting sick of school, but I have university to attend come next year; however, the summer is mine and I just have diplomas and then blissful nothingness! Ah, I'm so happy!

Any who, this has deviated a lot from what I originally planned, so I'm going to have to revise and rewrite all my plans to compensate for this. Kinda strange actually. There's a fourteen phase difference from this version to the original for when Kira brings Shinn to the Archangel; but I like this version more. Be glad, Shinn fans, I'm being nicer to Shinn in this version.

Please read and review!

Kat.