Alexithymia

Start Writing.
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Yeah, I fucked him, but I’ll never tell. The feel of his skin against mine and the dry, salty taste it left in my mouth. I promised that I wouldn’t let anything happen to him. I sincerely regret doing that.

I think Pic will be okay though; we’ve talked through a lot of things.

I got my own place. Videl sold our house. My place is still pretty far out from the city, but close enough that it doesn’t take much time to get to work.

My divorce was all over the papers. My daughter was furious. She said I was a jerk and that if I loved her and mom I wouldn’t abandon them. She told me that she hoped I died and that she didn’t care what happened to me because I obviously didn’t care about her. I took every blow she could deal. She knows that I love her but she’s just so upset about the divorce. When she calms down I’ll make things right with her. She’d only get mad at me now.

Videl seems to be okay. She has her friends to help her.

Krillin and 18 stopped by to see how I was holding up, Trunks sent me an e-mail offering his sympathies. Krillin looks older than he did the last time I saw him. Come to think of it, he has to be somewhere in his sixties. 18 is still a bombshell though. They gave me their regards before leaving.

Sometimes I wonder where the others went. We aren’t close anymore. It’s just us around here. Our broken little family.

I’m glad she didn’t tell them the actual reason for the divorce. Videl had told everyone it was because the relationship was unfulfilling and hinted to her friends that I was ‘inadequate’ in bed. It was damn cold of her, but I much preferred it to the alternative.

I finally did something for myself. I quit my job as a high school Lit. teacher and took a job at the university. It’s closer to my new home and I really enjoy the environment. I’ve had several of my papers published before and they actually offered me the job about three years ago. I’m just glad they still wanted me and had a position open. It’s been pretty nice; I like most of the people I work with.

Start holding your breath

Piccolo found out my little secret and it was devastating.

He didn’t want to talk about it and left for a couple weeks.

He didn’t want me to find him so I didn’t look.

When he came back he said that he missed me.

He understands.

I’m so fucked.

We’ll be okay now.

He doesn’t mind.

Release

Videl called me yesterday. She wanted me to help her with something stupid. I refused. She broke up with me after all.

That’s a selfish statement, but I’m claiming it.

I’ll help her if she actually needs it but I refuse to be her puppet.

So I bought Pan a laptop because Videl said she couldn’t have one because she flunked AP Calculus. I’m a teacher and I know my daughter enough to say that there is nothing in life that she will ever need to do that will involve calculus. She’s a trust-fund baby.

But that’s not the reason I’m here today.

I need to tell someone about the straw that broke the camel’s back

You want to know more about my sex life.

I wouldn’t blame you, it’s been interesting.

Piccolo isn’t a receptive partner. I never expected him to be

Being a Namek, I don’t think he has the urges that the rest of us do. He never wants to kiss me. Sometimes he brushes his lips against my cheek but when I try to kiss him on the lips, he pulls away.

On those days I try not to eat when I’m around him. I don’t want him to think anything bad will happen. I get tired on those days but it’s okay. He’ll let me touch him now.

He has needs like the rest of us. I try to fulfill each and every one of them.

I’ve had this fantasy of feeling what He’s like, but that won’t happen in the way I want it to. It’s just not possible and that crushed me.

When I remember the feel of his skin.

And the taste of his sweat on my tongue—sea salt.

It’s not the same.

He’ll let me touch him now. I offered to let him touch me and he refused and refused until one day he caved.

When I asked him why he so fervently refused before he said he felt like he was breaking his promise.

“What promise?” I asked

He said the promise to protect me.

“Do you love me?”

He said “yes”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes”

“Do you want to be with me?”

And he paused “. . .yes”

“Let me?”

A nod.

He still has bruises on his hips and stomach where I’ve inadvertently. . .

He hates when I do that.

I love it.

I love to break things and mend them.

I can make everything better with time.

We’ve been together once.

I'm not prepared

It’s not like him.

It wasn’t what I expected.

It was better but the back of my mind was panged with guilt.

I shouldn’t have worried about that. We still have time to forgive eachother.

We started training that afternoon. It was humid and raining. I would have much rather been sitting inside reading a book if that tells you what kind of muggy day this was. It didn’t faze him though. I was drenched in sweat before we even started. And he made sure that we never quit early. The night was half gone before I realized it and I was too sore to care. I beat him, of course, but I had grown lax and he was still in peak condition. I was his piñata.

The way his spine curves and his muscles flex and release. I’ve seen it before.

I’ll always look.

He started to clean up after the match and I just stared at him. He noticed and returned the gesture. There was something behind his eyes that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Never did he reprimand me or tell me that my gaze was unwanted. He stared back at me and I got déjà vu.

It scared the living hell out of me.

He was under me before I realized it.

I felt sick

I had to relive it.

I started by rubbing his legs to calm him down.

They were hard, rough, leathery things like they were supposed to be.

I kissed down his chest- sculpted like marble.

This was so different.

He’s not a soft man.

His body is so rough and war torn that I don’t know what to do at first out of shock

Keep it together man.

Oh Kami.

How is he so calm about this?

He’s not tense.

He’ll be comfortable.

He’s only doing it because he knows I want it.

It’ll only hurt for a minute.

Can he hear the blood rush through his eardrums too?

And then I remembered.

I shift to my knees and drag him with me. His face is buried in my shoulder. I can tell by the heat of his cheeks that he’s upset. I have to be careful now.

When I opened my eyes I see His face looking back at me. I can tell that it hurts. I kept on telling him that it’ll get better that he’s just not use to this.

I’ll be damned if I accept that I may not have as much experience as I need.

I bit down on hard on his ear. He bit his lip to contain his cry. I did it too roughly, but it wasn’t like before. He bled a little but it wasn’t bad.

My heart can’t take much more of this.

I’m sweating bullets and I can’t stop.

There’s something primal about this feeling that’s boiling inside me.

We weren’t meant for this.

I’ve done it now.

And he looks at me through those glass eyes.

Like a vice grip.

It’s all too familiar.

I can still taste his blood on my lips.

And feel the trails of scars he left on my back.

Forgotten love marks have faded.

There’s a first time for everything.

I fucked Him and he knows it.

And he liked it.

And He will never have to know, even when he already does.

Gone, Baby, Gone

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Notes: The inconsistencies in this chapter are put there for a reason and have a valid point. They are not actual inconsistent, they’re merely referencing other untold events. This chapter is a lot darker than I presume most of you will think at first. I have this problem with being subtle. As much as I would like to wave the red flag in your face, it’d ruin the anonymity of the story. If you can figure out what the hidden context of this story is, I’ll throw in the cut out sex scene from this chapter as part of the next. There are hints of it littered throughout the entire text. If you don’t understand, don’t worry. The resolution of the story, which is a few chapters away, will tell all.