Broken Lullabyes

Chapter 9
Breathe no more

All the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter,
but big enough to cut me
into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed, I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.

The sharp blade cut deep into Kai’s skin.

Rei kissed Kai slowly, smiling when they drew back. “I love you baby. You know that, right?”

“I love you to, Rei.”

Long slashes ran down his arms.

“Rei? We will always be together, right? I mean… like,” Kai blushed, “crap that came out wrong. To sappy.”

Rei snickered. “You’re so adorable. Of course we will always be together!”

“Hmm, love you…”

“Love you to…”

Blood dripped into the sink.

“Rei! No! You can’t make me wear this!”

“Please, Kai? You look so cute!”

“Tyson will never let me live it down!”

Rei adjusted his cat ears. “But baby, it’s Halloween!”

“So?”

“So? Don’t you think it would be cute if we showed up to the party as a cat and mouse?”

Kai tugged on his mouse tail. “But why do I have to be the mouse?” he muttered. “This is so humiliating.”

Rei grinned. “You are a very sexy mouse, love…” he purred. “Everyone will be so jealous of me, because I get you all for myself.”

Kai smirked. “What can I say? It’s the ears.”

“So that’s a yes?”

“I hate you.”

“Love you to.”

Kai dropped to the floor, moving so his back was against the wall. Looking down at his arms, he smiled slightly as he watched the blood flow from the cuts to the floor. He felt numb, inside and out. Every emotion had disappeared…

‘Finally, it’s all gone. The last part of me that loved him…’

He started to laugh.


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Tala flipped the page of his book, and, yawning lazily, reached out for another cookie. Slowly he munched on it, staring at the words on the paper without reading them. In the background he could hear Spencer and Brian fighting over the TV remote in the next room. Tala let go of the book, and it fell to the floor with a thump. With a sigh, he rolled over onto his back, stretching out fully on the bed, and closed his eyes, throwing an arm across them. ‘Damn! Why can’t I concentrate on anything?’

He sat up quickly as a sudden knock came on the door. “I’ll get it!” he called. He snorted when no one answered, and stood up, walking over to the door. When he got there, he paused, hand on the doorknob. “Who is it?”

“Kai.”

Tala smiled as he opened up the door. “Kai? what are you doing here? I didn’t expect you till later!” then he frowned slightly. “Hey, why are you wearing a coat inside? Are you going somewhere?”

Kai shook his head. “Can I come in?” he asked, voice just above a whisper.

“Sure.” The taller boy stood aside, allowing him to walk through the door.

“Thanks,” Kai mumbled, stepping into the room.

Closing the door, Tala looked closer at Kai. “Are you ok? You sound awful!”

Kai shook his head. “I need to talk to you.”

“Ok,” Tala shrugged, “come on.” He walked through the room, towards the bedroom he had just come from, Kai following after him. He closed the door and gestured towards one of the beds. “Do you want to sit down? Or do you want to take off your coat first?”

Kai hesitated, uncertainty flashing across his face. Finally he slipped of the coat.

Tala gasped, horrified, eyes wide with shock. There was blood all over Kai’s shirt, showing clearly on the white fabric. The smaller boy was shaking a little, and he stared at the floor, determinedly not meeting Tala’s gaze. The redhead took a step forwards, slowly reaching out a hand. Gently, he brushed his fingers against Kai’s arm. Kai flinched.

“Did you do this?” Tala asked quietly.

Kai nodded.

“Sit on the bed,” Tala said, then turned around and walked into the bathroom. He returned a moment later, carrying a damp cloth and a couple rolls of bandages. Silently he sat beside the smaller boy, and began to unbutton his shirt. Kai didn’t say anything. Tala scowled when he saw Kai’s arms, throwing the shirt onto the floor. He picked up the cloth and began to wipe away the blood, mouth drawn into a thin line.

Kai winced as his friend pressed to hard. “Be careful.”

Tala grunted in response, but his touch was gentler. Finally he asked quietly, “do you want to talk about it?”

Kai shook his head. “No. Please, not right now.”

“Was it Rei?”

“I said not right now.”

“Sorry.” Tala lay the cloth aside and picked up one of the bandages, carefully wrapping it around Kai’s arm. When he finished both arms, he slowly took Kai’s hands in his own, running his fingers gently over the soft skin. At last he looked up and met Kai’s eyes, and grinned. The grin quickly turned to a look of horror. “Oh no!” Tala cried. “Now you won’t be able to wear the new shirt I bought for you!”

Kai smirked shakily. “Oh no. isn’t that a tragedy,” he said sarcastically.

Tala frowned. “Don’t sound so relived.” He sighed. “I guess I will just have to go and get something old from your room.”

“Right now?”

“Of course! We only have two hours to get ready!” Tala stood up. “Now you wait right here! And don’t move!”

He started to walk towards the door, but paused when he felt a hand grab his sleeve. Kai was looking at the floor, and when he spoke, his voice was quiet. “Thanks, Tala.”

Tala smiled softly, and leaned down to kiss Kai on the top of the head. “I’ll be right back.” He closed the door behind him.


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Tala stepped into Kai’s hotel room. The door had been unlocked. ‘He must have left in a hurry,’ Tala thought as he walked farther into the room. It was empty. Rei wasn’t there, but the bathroom door was open slightly, so Tala walked over and pushed it open further, and stepped inside. There was no blood anywhere. ‘I guess Kai had the sense to clean up. It wouldn’t have been good for Kon to find the bathroom all bloody.’ Tala sighed, and turned around, moving back into the main room. And stopped short.

Rei was standing there a frown on his face. When he saw Tala, his eyes narrowed. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to pick up some cloths for Kai,” Tala said, placing his hands on his hips.

Rei looked around. “Where is Kai?” he asked.

“He is in my room.”

Rei’s gaze shot back to Tala. “What the hell is he doing there?” he snarled.

Tala smirked. “That, is none of your business.”

Rei scowled. “Fine! So get the clothes and get out!”

“I will!” Tala shot back, stalking angrily over to the bags of cloths he and Kai had bought earlier. Kneeling down beside them, he grabbed one and began to look through it, cursing under his breath. ‘Damn! He gets me so angry! Just one comment is all it takes and I loose my temper! I don’t even really know him that well, so why do I let him get under my skin?’

Tala tossed a shirt to the side, stealing a glance at Rei as he did so. ‘Damn! I wonder what he said to Kai. It must have been pretty bad for Kai to cut himself up like that…’ his fists clenched around a pair of pants. ‘This is all Kons fault! He is the one to blame for this! I have to know what he said. But… how can I find out without asking either him or Kai?’

He held up a shirt. ‘Hmm… it will have to be long sleeved, to hide the cuts… white looks good on Kai, but there is always a chance that blood will show through… but I guess that is the case with anything. Except dark colours…’ he threw the shirt back into the bag and pulled out another one which was black, with silver Japanese symbols on the front. ‘Better. He could wear it with light coloured pants…’ Tala smiled as he picked up a pair of light tan pants. “Perfect.”

“Are you done yet?”

Tala jumped when he heard Rei’s voice. “And I was having such a good time pretending you didn’t exist, too.” he stood up.

“Whatever. You have your cloths, so get out.”

“Fine.” Tala started to walk towards to the door. ‘If I did ask him, would he even tell me? Probably not, but it would be the quickest way. Damn!’ He stopped, hand on the door knob.

Rei glared. “Well? What are you waiting for?”

Tala sighed heavily, and turned around. “What did you say to Kai?”

Rei opened his mouth, and then closed it. He blinked, and said, “What?”

The Russian walked over and sat down on the bed next to Rei, ignoring the others warning look. “I said, what the hell did you say to Kai?”

“What are you talking about?” Rei snapped.

Tala closed his eyes for a moment, and then said, “Look, for this to work, we both have to be calm. Not angry. We have to talk.”

Rei scowled. “I don’t have anything to say to you.”

“Maybe not,” Tala agreed, “but I really need you to help me here. Kai came to my room, looking really awful. Like something really bad had happened. He was unsteady on his feet, and he looked horrible.”

Rei glanced at Tala. “How horrible?”

Tala bit his lip, and wondered how much he should say. Finally he answered, “Shattered. He looked shattered.”

Rei glanced down at his hands. “Oh. I see.”

Tala continued. “He didn’t say anything, but I got the feeling you had something to do with it. And since he won’t give me answers, I need you to help me. Did you say anything to him after I left? What did you tell him?”

Rei shrugged. “I told him that Lee had asked me to be his boyfriend. And that I had said yes.” He looked over at Tala, who had gone pale. “Why? What is it?”

“Oh god,” Tala muttered, putting his face in his hands. “Oh fuck, Kai…” then his head snapped up and he glared at the other boy angrily. “Why? Why the hell did you tell him that? What were you trying to prove?”

“W-what?”

“Damn,” Tala muttered. “Well, now I know why… why he did that…”

Rei looked at him in shock. “Tala, what happened? Did Kai… do something?”

Softly, Tala whispered, “yes.”

Slowly, Rei reached out a hand and touched Tala’s shoulder, feeling the other boy flinch under his touch. “Tala, what did he do?”

Tala closed his eyes. “He… he tried to hurt himself. No, he did. He did hurt himself.”

Rei gasped. “W-what do you mean?”

“That’s all I am going to say. I can’t tell you more. Kai wouldn’t want me to tell you more.”

“Tala, please!”

“Sorry.” Tala stood up. “I… I have to get back to Kai.” He left, leaving Rei sitting on the bed staring after him.


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Kai sat on Tala’s bed, running his hands over the bandages on his arms. Already blood was beginning to seep through, staining the cloth red. Placing one of his fingers over the cuts, he pressed down, feeling pain shoot up his arm.

‘Tala didn’t ask questions. He just cleaned my arms and bandaged them, without asking anything. It’s like he knew this would happen. That one day I would loose control…’ Kai smoothed his fingers over the back of his right hand, then let both hands fall down to his lap. ‘Tala has always been there for me. Always. I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t willing to listen to me, and help me through everything. He is kind to me. If I am to forget that I ever loved Rei, I must move on.’

The door opened, and Tala walked in, carrying some clothes in his hands.

Kai’s eyes flickered over to the other Russian. ‘Tala loves me. He told me so. I think…’

Tala walked over to the bed and dropped the cloths down beside Kai. Then he sat down and wrapped his arms around the other boy. “Hey. Are you alright?”

Kai nodded. “Tala…” the arms around him were so comforting. He had rarely felt this secure. Kai leaned up and kissed Tala gently on the lips.

Tala tightened his arms around the smaller boy. “Kai?”

“Tala, I have been thinking. I am ready. I want to be in a relationship with you.”

I told him that Lee had asked me to be his boyfriend. And that I had said yes.

Tala sighed, and kissed the top of Kai’s head. “No, you don’t.”

Kai looked up in shock. “What? How the hell would you know?”

“You are hurting, Kai,” Tala whispered. “You want to prove to yourself that you are alright. You want to forget Rei by forcing yourself into a relationship with me.”

Kai shoved Tala away from him. “You bastard!” he yelled. “That’s what you think? That I’m forcing myself to do this?”

Tala looked at him sadly. “No. It’s the truth.”

Kai rubbed his arms. “Please Tala,” he said quietly. “You don’t understand. I don’t love him anymore, but I think about him all the time. I care about you. I want to learn to love you, and the best way to do that is to be your boyfriend.”

“Kai…”

“No. Don’t. Don’t tell me that this isn’t what I want. You said you loved me, right? Or was that just a lie?”

Tala shook his head. “No. I would never lie about loving you. I just don’t want you to do anything you will regret.”

Kai snorted. “I never regret anything.”

I told him that Lee had asked me to be his boyfriend. And that I had said yes.

Tala drew Kai into his arms again, and lifted Kai’s head, pressing their lips together. Then he pulled back, watching Kai’s face carefully. The other boy smiled softly. Tala bit his lip. “If you’re sure…”

Kai smirked. “Have I ever not been?”

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