To Understand Love

Disclaimer: Dragon Ball Z is the property of Toryiama Akira

Also, I know I probably don't do this enough, but thank you to those of you who leave reviews, especially to quatreofdoom, Keitorin, daisyINSANEangel, and emudii for reviewing the last edition. I wish I could respond to each reply, although I haven't been able to figure out how you can do that on this website. If anyone knows how, let me know!

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Disclaimer: Dragon Ball Z is the property of Toryiama Akira

Chapter Nine

December…

It’s snowing. Again.

Pushing my chair over towards the window, I press my forehead to the cool pane of glass and watch as the flakes swirl down, settling on the ground and covering my stoop, the street, and the few cars sitting along the roadside in a blanket of white. Sighing, I watch as my breath condenses, leaving a cloud of fog on the glass, before pulling back to stare at my computer.

I’m depressed, enough so that I really notice it. Certainly, during the summer there was that period when I was avoiding everybody because I was sick of my job, sick of my life, and sick of the state of things between Trunks and myself. However, I got out of that slump to only end up in it once again, and this time there is so much pressure on me to…succeed that I feel compelled to put up my usual front that everything is A-okay. But it’s not and it hurts.

I can’t say that everything is bad in my life. My job is going well, and I finally started school the middle of October. Our first module is almost over with, and although I’ve had to have Gohan edit a number of my papers since writing has never been something I’m good at, I’m managing to pull a B. Yet, on a personal front, I might as well have committed suicide that Saturday in September when Trunks called me. I was lonely before, but now…now I feel like there’s this giant black hole beneath my feet intent on swallowing me whole. I have never felt so isolated in my entire life, and the feeling isn’t lost on me. To put it simply, I’ve entered a new state of misery tied to my own stubbornness and that of a certain Saiyan prince.

“Fuck that! I’m not going to think about him anymore.”

I tell this to myself at least ten times a day, yet it hasn’t really helped. All it does is feed back to my circular thinking about what I could have done differently, how I could have said things differently to him, and how he’s become an absolute ass. And the more I think of that the more I become angry to the point of wanting to go to his apartment and beat him until there isn’t anything left.

In truth, neither one of those techniques would do any good because they don’t deal with the root of the problem which happens to be two adults who have serious problems which interferes with having a normal and healthy relationship. One hides their insecurities and depression behind alcohol, sex, and an abusive tongue while the other allows himself to be pushed around and then puts all the blame squarely on their own shoulders when it isn’t completely their fault for the bad things that happen. Neither psychosis can lead to a healthy bond. Not unless both persons involved want to change. One alone won’t do the trick. And being the only one who sees this as a problem, I sealed myself to losing him because I finally found the guts to tell Trunks what would be wrong with his idea of fixing a rotting relationship. Telling Trunks anything he doesn’t want to hear never leads to positive results.

That much has been made infinitely clear since our argument months ago. I had thought, or more like hoped, he would come around and that he didn’t really mean what he said when he cut me out of his life. Yet…a man once scorned is a force to be reckoned with, especially one with as much clout, power, and pride as Trunks Vegeta Briefs. It didn’t matter that I called him up to apologize for something that needed no apology. He wouldn’t pick up the phone and he hasn’t since. In fact, within the last month, he has disconnected his landline phone so it’s impossible to even bother trying to get a hold of him, short of going to his apartment. Well, I may be a weakling in regards to always wanting to stay on a person’s good side, no matter how much they hurt or embarrass me, but I’m not idiotic enough to beg for him to come back into my life. It’s over with. He threw out a lifetime connection because he couldn’t get what he wanted and in the back of my head, I tell myself that it’s better this way. I didn’t and do not currently need such complications in my already stressful life. I just wish I could convince my heart of that.

As it stands, I feel as though I’ve…lost part of myself. Even with how difficult things had been prior to this current separation, I always knew I could call on Trunks to talk about things or to just hang out and be with him. I don’t have that connection any longer. He wants nothing to do with me. I have only myself to look towards and that idea leaves a sour feeling in my gut. There is nothing worse then realizing you are completely without a true friend, a friend of the soul.

Slumping in my chair, I try to shake off my moroseness, realizing that brooding isn’t going to bring him back or help me finish my class presentation on brain based research. Yet, it’s another Saturday night spent in my own company with nothing better to do then struggle through my boring existence. Brooding seems to be the one hobby I have and no matter that I know it isn’t healthy, it’s more interesting then writing a research paper.

Crossing my arms, I tap my fingers against my forearms before coming to a conclusion about what to do with the rest of my Saturday. The truth is, I can’t stand the thought of spending one more Saturday night alone. In actuality, I know that before this, I did spend most of my Saturdays alone, yet there was always the thought or knowledge that I could call Trunks or he would call me to go out and spend a night on the town. Even though towards the end I didn’t like spending my time babysitting him, it was better then sitting in endless agony. Shutting down my computer, I stand up and stretch and then head towards the door, pausing in front of my kitchen.

Looking towards a particular silverware drawer, I think for a moment. I can feel an itch in my fingers to go over there and open it, extracting a certain business card that no matter how much I try to pretend I don’t have, keeps burning a hole in my head. Yet, I’m not desperate enough to call a complete stranger who can’t possibly be in their right mind. So I ignore it for the millionth time and instead, pull my winter coat on and slip on a pair of gloves before going to unlock the door.

As soon as my fingertips touch the knob, the doorbell rings, causing me to flinch slightly before opening it. I wonder if a certain violet-eyed man will be standing on my stoop. However, it isn’t Murasaki Shinji and instead a rather familiar head of dark hair and tall form greets me before pushing their way into my apartment.

“Gohan, what’re you doing here?”

He smiles at me sheepishly, shaking the snow out of his shaggy hair, leaving drops of water to splatter across my tile floor.

“Because I like flying when it’s cold enough to freeze my eyelashes off.”

I gape at him stupidly, which only earns a chuckle and a slap on the back.

“I swear Goten, you have no sense of humor whatsoever. Ah well, sarcasm has never been my forte. Were you planning on going out? Going on a date? Mom’s been talking about how it’s past time you settle down. In fact, that’s all she can talk about besides making comments about how Videl and I haven’t gotten around to having another child. It’s pretty embarrassing. But you know Mom…”

Hmph…Mom. If she knew I was gay, she’d probably try to beat me before fainting at the thought of her dear son in love with another man. Sighing, I remove my coat and then put my hand out for Gohan’s.

“Really Goten, if you have plans, don’t stop them on my account. I just came by to see if you needed any help with school since I was in the area.”

I shrug and hang up our jackets and then step into the kitchen, grabbing a strawberry soda and chucking it at Gohan’s head. He catches it instantly and cracks it open, taking a long swallow before burping loudly and smacking his lips in a most disgusting manner.

“Ahh, that’s great Goten. I have to say, you do keep the best soda around in that fridge of yours.”

“Yeah, and your manners have gone down the toilet. Man, if either Mom or Videl were here, they’d smack you upside the head for being so gross.”

He just laughs and then heads over to the futon, leaning back and cocking his towards my direction.

“Are you going to join me or are you going to stand in your kitchen the rest of the evening? I mean, I don’t mind entertaining myself but the idea was to have a proper visit with my favorite little brother.”

I shake my head at him. Sometimes, Gohan is a complete enigma. Growing up, I guess you could say I idolized him. He was always mature for his age, something I’m sure had to do with the circumstances surrounding his childhood. Considering the amount of shit he went through, it’s amazing to me that he’s as…normal as he is. He’s kind, considerate, somewhat of a nerd, a good father, a loving husband, a caring brother, and a dutiful son. He covers up his Saiyan heritage very well, for all that he was at one point, the most powerful person on our planet, he’s never been one for fighting, preferring to indulge in a life of normalcy. Yet, as I’ve grown up, the straight laced Gohan I always thought I knew has shown himself to be on more then one occasion, rude, disgusting, and even perverted. Of course, he would never show this side of his personality to anyone but me, which I find flattering. I suppose it comes from our bond as brothers. We are both comfortable with who we are in front of one another.

Grabbing an apple soda for myself, I round the small counter and flop myself down next to Gohan.

“So Goten, what’s up?”

I blink at him, not sure as to how to respond to that question. I’ve actually been seeing him quite a bit since school started, so he knows exactly what’s going on in my public life. However, I have a feeling that this question is being tactfully directed towards my private life. Thinking for a second, I pop the cap of my soda and take a swig before answering his inquiry.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

“Goten, be honest with me. What’s going on between you and Trunks?”

I’m not really surprised by that question. After all, besides Trunks, my brother knows me best and I’m sure he’s noticed the amount of time I’ve been spending alone. He also works for Capsule Corporation in research and development, one of the departments co-headed by Trunks, so he has the added benefit of seeing the cause of my current misery on a day-to-day basis.

Shrugging, I ask him why he thinks there’s something going on between the two of us.

I watch as he sits up, adjusting his argyle sweater before turning his tall frame sideways and glancing at me with an incredulous look.

“Goten, give me a little credit in the brains department. You might be acting like everything is peachy in your life, which I guess is better then how you were this summer, but I know you like the back of my hand. Things aren’t good between the two of you, and even though you’re putting on a good act, I’m really worried about you. Trunks as well, while we’re on the record. He’s always been somewhat of a loose cannon as our department head, missing more days of work then when he’s actually present. Yet, it’s been even worse the last few months and I can pin it to about the same time you started showing signs of being depressed. So what is going on?”

I swallow uncomfortably, suddenly feeling confined by the futon. Standing up, I walk over towards the window and glance outside at the still falling snow. There is such a twisted dichotomy of my own feelings for Trunks, and there are certain aspects of our relationship that I do not want made public, even to my own brother. Stiffening my shoulders, I spin around and look him in the eyes.

“We had a fight.”

He scrunches the skin on his forehead together before removing his glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“You always fight. At least, recently that seems to be the case. But this goes deeper then that, doesn’t it? I’ve never seen the two of you stay angry with one another for more than a month and it’s been…”

He counts backwards on his fingers before finishing his sentence.

“Three. So what changed? It’s painful to watch you like this Goten. You seem lost without Trunks and I think he feels the same way.”

“So what, you’re coming here so that you can get us back together? So you can satisfy your conscious, that you did the right thing?” I shout, walking over to where he is sitting and grabbing him by the sweater so that our faces are an inch apart.

“Well save your noble intentions. Trunks is…Trunks is a fucking bastard and he’s made it clear to me that he could give two shits about what happens to us. He left me and he isn’t coming back, and I’m not going to beg. I’m better off without him.” With that, I shove him back into the futon before sitting back down.

I know it isn’t fair for me to be angry with Gohan, and in truth, I’m angrier with myself then with him. However, I know he won’t ditch me, no matter how hurtful I can be towards him. That point is proven when he puts his glasses back on his face and then grabs me into a bone-crushing hug. After a few seconds, he lets go and I find myself wondering why he didn’t pound me for attacking him. Relaxing slightly, I slide up against the cushions and sit there, feeling slightly better for letting out some of my pent up frustration and aggression. Turning my head to the left, I take a quick look at Gohan, noting that he’s jiggling his leg as he waits for me to say something.

“Gohan…I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For nearly decking you.”

He shifts on the futon and purses his lips slightly, as though he’s thinking about something.

“Hey, I know it isn’t my business what goes on between you and Trunks. I guess I asked for it, but I think you needed to let off some steam. It isn’t healthy to let your anger fester inside of you. But on that topic, it isn’t healthy for either of you to let whatever caused you to fight ruin what you two have spent a lifetime building. You’ve always had a special bond with each other and that only intensified the older you got. Yet, we’ve all seen signs that the two of you are struggling with something…it’s probably the fact that you are both changing as people and your relationship is going through changes as well. It’s natural. However, it isn’t natural to let those changes break it apart. I’m not going to say anything more about it. What happens to what you share is between Trunks and yourself. I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk about it, or anything for that matter, I’m always around.”

With that said, he rises from the futon and walks over to the door, grabbing his coat and throwing his empty soda bottle into my recycling bin.

“I’m going to go. You obviously had plans and I think it would do you some good to get out of here. Your suffocating, Goten, and it’s really worrisome. Just…think about what I said. I’m there for you Goten.”

And with that, he’s out the door, leaving me once again alone. I sit for a few more minutes before getting up and going to my bedroom. Collapsing face first onto the mattress, I forget about my plans of going out and instead decide to go to bed, not having the energy or motivation to go out and make the motions of being sociable. It’s too much work and sleep in much easier to attain. At least, when I’m asleep, I don’t have to think about my loneliness or the shit in my life. Closing my eyelids, I drift off to oblivion.

& & &

The rest of my weekend isn't much of an improvement from Saturday. I spend all day Sunday working on my research paper and on scheduling for work. Before I know it, Monday is smacking me in the face. I make it through the usual Monday routine at work and find myself at West City University’s student center, hunched over my laptop, working on a presentation for my class.

I’ve been here for at least two hours and my stomach is growling, yet I ignore it in favor of adding animation to the slides in my Power Point presentation. This is how I spend my Monday nights. It’s a fairly pathetic existence, hanging out at school even though my class meets Tuesday and Thursday nights. Yet, it’s become my refuge away from my growing negativity and depressed attitude. I don’t have to think about the thoughts that tend to gravitate towards my mind when I’m alone in my apartment. Instead, I have the excuse of being able to concentrate on making sure all of my papers and presentations are done to the best of my ability, which takes up all of my spare thoughts.

Finishing a slide, I preview it before I move on to the next one, satisfied with the way it looks. Chewing on my lip, I try to decide how I want to improve the layout of the next slide when my sixth sense clues me in that I am no longer alone at my table. Glancing upward, my eyes land on a face that is familiar, yet one that I wish I never had to see again.

“So Son Goten, we meet again.”

His hair is shorter and darker; the blond highlights having vanished, yet there is no mistaking the violet eyes or the slightly androgynous appearance of this person. Swallowing uncomfortably that I should have his features so well documented in my head considering that I only met him once, I cover up my discomfort by acting angrier then I really am.

“What do you want Shinji? Have you started stalking me here at school, too?” I growl out before latching my eyes back on my computer screen, not really giving him the chance to answer my questions. Yet, just like during our last encounter, he doesn’t take the hint and instead seats himself across from me, his chin resting on steepled hands as he stares at me. Eventually his staring penetrates my uncaring façade enough to let my irritation seep through. Lifting my face from my computer, I give him a hard look.

“You’re a very stubborn person, Son Goten. And no, I’m not stalking you. I simply came by for a cup of coffee on my way home and happened to see you sitting here.”

“So why can’t you get your damn cup of coffee and leave me the hell alone?”

He blinks at me stupidly, as though that thought had never crossed his mind before smiling brightly.

“Because I’m happy to see you, that’s why! You stopped running in the park and I haven’t seen you at the grocery store. It’s almost like you’ve been avoiding me. And no phone call, either.”

Once again, I’m at a loss for words, Shinji’s bizarre behavior leaving me in a state tantamount to incredulous disbelief. The more words that spill past his lips along with his childlike insistence that we are more then mere passing acquaintances convinces me that he has to be somewhat neurotic, if not insane. Or maybe he’s simply stupid. Whatever the case, it only makes me feel even more foolish for having thought about calling him on more then one occasion. It only proves to me that loneliness causes people to do idiotic things. Losing my patience, I push away slightly from the table and cross my arms across my chest.

“You’re a nutcase and I’m not going to call somebody who has clearly lost their mind. Any rational person would tell you the same thing.”

He looks slightly downcast after hearing my verbal put down, but it isn’t enough to cause him to actually get up and leave. Instead, he leans forward, closing in the distance between our faces until I have to blink and adjust my eyes so that I don’t see double of him. Stunned at his audacity, I don’t think to move, and suddenly, his hand is on my chin as he lifts it gently so that I’m looking into the shimmering violet of his eyes.

“I already told you Goten, that I am not insane. I know that I come across as such, and you’re not the first person to accuse me of being so, but I was telling you the truth when I said I could tell when a person is in emotional pain. And you, my friend, are wallowing in it. I just want to help. That’s it. No strings attached.”

Taking in a shuddering breath, I push away from the table as soon as he lets go of my face and settles back into his chair, acting for the entire world as though nothing has just passed between the two of us. Yet I can’t believe he has this power over me, a complete stranger except for our one encounter. My throat feels tight and my…I squeeze my eyes shut and will away my physical discomfort and the anxiety this…Shinji has brought upon me.

“I can tell you’ve thought about my offer. I’m just surprised that I haven’t heard from you at all. Most people I give my card to call within twenty four hours.”

“Well then they’re just as nuts as you are.” I reply harshly, still trying to center myself from looking inside his eyes. It’s as though…I shake my head.

“What is it going to take for you to realize that you need a friend Goten? I can tell, just like I’m sure anybody who looks at you, that you are smothering in your own misery. I don’t think you want to be alone Goten. I think you’re hiding from something. In truth, if you want to know about loneliness, absolute loneliness, I can give you an account of that. However, I don’t think you’re ready for the reality of what that entails.”

With that said, he leans back in his chair and latches his enormous eyes on my face, waiting for my answer. Shaking myself out of my stupor, I shut down my computer and snap the lid closed before standing up.

“I don’t…I’m not so desperate for friends that I’d fall into the company of a crazy person. I don’t care what you know about loneliness or friendship. You can think whatever you want about me, that I’m hiding from something. I don’t care. Just leave me alone. If I hadn’t already made it clear by not calling you, let me make it clear now. I don’t want to be your friend and I don’t need you as my friend.”

Putting on my coat, I grab my bag and sling it over my shoulder, walking past him, surprised yet not entirely so when he quickly grabs my hand. Feeling the smoothness of his skin against my own calloused hands from spending the majority of my youth outdoors, I shudder at the contact as something very like an electric shock runs up my spine. I don’t know what it is about him, but he affects me like no other person ever has, with the exception of Trunks. Stopping in my tracks, I close my eyes as I try to center myself.

“Why…why are you doing this to me?”

“Because I want to help.”

I don’t know what comes over me or how I can explain it properly, but after his last softly spoken assertion, I let go of my resistance. In the back of my head, I still think he’s insane and that I must be equally crazy for suddenly deciding it’s pointless to keep arguing with him about how I don’t need friends, or how I don’t want him to get to know me. The fact is, he’s correct on more then one point. I am lonely. I am depressed. And I’m still trying to hide from the loss of my best friend and my homosexuality. My own anxiety in regards to Shinji simply comes from the fact that without really knowing anything about me, he has effectively gotten within my psyche and I’m tired of feeling unwanted and unloved.

Opening my eyes, I glance down towards him, noting the calm expression on his face, as though he already knows I have stopped fighting what he finds inevitable. Pulling my hand from his grip, I take a step backwards.

“Look, I need…” I don’t know what to say. He nods his head, as if in understanding.

“You need space. I understand that. It’s not easy coming to a decision about something that’s terrifying, whether you really think it is or not. You can call me when you feel ready or…I’ll probably see you around here. I work in undergraduate admissions, and since you’re obviously a student, we’ll probably cross paths again.”

I nod my head slightly before pulling completely away from him. Not saying good-bye, I slowly make my way towards the exit of the student center, pushing my way out the door and into a swirl of snow and leaves as I head towards the bus stop.

Standing under the awning, I wait for a few minutes until a bus sluggishly chugs up to the corner and stops. Stepping absently into the warm interior, I mindlessly pay my fair before taking a seat near the back. Pressing my cheek against the cold window, I let my thoughts continue to race and zip back and forth inside my skull. How could I have let myself lose control with him? How could I have let him maneuver me into his trap, if that indeed was his plan? I wonder what his motives are, not convinced that he’s only out for friendship and that he just wants to help, and yet I believe what he says too. Why would he put himself in such an awkward position if not because he genuinely feels my sadness? And his eyes…it was like looking into a mirror, a mirror of deep unhappiness, as though he really does understand what it is like to be alone or to have lost something so intangibly connected within his life that he doesn’t know how to continue on without it. Just like Trunks and myself.

Shaking myself out of my stupor, I realize the bus is at my stop when it comes to whining halt. Standing slowly, I walk to the nearest exit and step off onto the cold street. Pulling a handmade scarf out of my pocket, I wrap it around my face before trudging through the slush and ice on the sidewalk before once again finding myself outside my apartment.

Slowly climbing up the stairs, I unlock the door and then walk inside, shaking the snow off my coat and shoes. Hanging up my coat, I take my bag and pull my laptop out, setting it up on my computer desk. Finished with that, I walk around my futon and head towards the refrigerator, opening it up and grabbing the leftover pizza from last night.

The first bite of cold pepperoni pizza on my tongue is like bliss, yet it doesn’t wave away my uneasiness in regards to Shinji or my anxiety in concerns to Trunks. Finishing off the piece in my mouth, I wipe my hands on my work slacks before slowly edging towards the phone.

Picking it up, I dial Trunks’s cell phone number by rote, waiting as the connection is made, hearing the series of rings before the voicemail box picks up. Feeling disappointed and angry at the same time, I wait for the message to finish before leaving my message after the beep.

“Trunks…I’m sorry.”

That’s all I have the courage to say before I hang up, feeling frustration well within my chest. I shouldn’t even be the one apologizing, yet it’s just as it’s always been from the beginning of time. Caught in a habit I’ve never been able to get rid of, I find myself compelled to say sorry over and over again, even though he’s obviously content to let me stew in my own despair. Hanging the phone up, I finish off the rest of the pizza caught back in my stream of thought centered on both Trunks and Shinji. One angers me while the other confuses me, yet they both happen to share some sort of power over what it is that I do.

Tossing the pizza box over to my recycling bin, I decide to call it a night, ready to fall back into nothingness as a way to relieve my own discomfort. Brushing my teeth and washing my face, I straighten up and look at my reflection in the mirror. I look…the same: wild black hair, dark brown eyes, a new growth of stubble on my cheeks. Yet, I don’t feel the same. I wish I could go back to the carefree way I was before I decided enter the realm of adulthood. I doubt things would be any easier, but at least that way, I wouldn’t be caught worrying about issues that are no longer black and white.

Leaving the bathroom, I cross into my bedroom and strip out of my work clothes, throwing them on a pile before crawling under the messed up covers on my bed. Snuggling under the warmth of my comforter and the softness of my pillows, I pull my arms underneath me before shutting my eyes and my turning my mind off from the cares of the world.

Oblivion is heaven.
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I guess you could say that this is the beginning of part two for this story. In my head, I have three parts, so there will be a ways to go before the ending is in sight. As a general rule of thumb, I seldom write anything short because I feel that there is no way to truly understand character motive and behavior if the story doesn’t delve deeply enough. I also never write anything that has a sad ending. That being said, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you think by sending a review, if you would like to do so.