Star Trek: Gundam

Title: Star Trek - Gundam Episode 8
Authors: JoIsBishMyoga (JWPname@aol.com) and Makoto Sagara (makoto_sagara1@yahoo.com)
Archive: afallenangel.net/makotosagara/frames/fanfiction.html, fanfiction.net, foreverfandom.net, wufeiduo.net, Ventilation Shaft, Le Ciel Place, Jadeduo’s site; anywhere else, please ask.
Pairings: 3x4, 5x2, eventual 1x2x5
Rating: R
Category: Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Action/Adventure
Warnings: Shonen-ai, Language, Crossover, AU

Disclaimers: Mako: Oh, we own nothing, not even our own places to live. We are only borrowing the G-boys and the Star Trek universe for play. We promise to return everything the way we found them. We make no money off of this. ^_^
Jo: Although we sure WISH we did... anyways, if you sue, you'll only be able to take the cat. That'll make my dad very happy, b/c she meows all night and scratches up the furniture.

A/N: Jo: If you recognize the source of the commercial: the writer is a rabid, incurable fan of a certain pair of fan-authors. If you don't recognize the source: man, are YOU a poor, deprived person.
Mako: If they cannot recognize the genius that is my net-mommy and one of her partners in crime, then… (Nods at Neko, who pulls out the claws.) Yeah, that’s more like it… (Smiles evilly.)
Jo: (Drags over stack of printouts.) Is that really necessary? It's not entirely their fault if they've never had the opportunity to read Mel&Christy.
Mako: I didn’t say it was necessary. She’s in a bit of a _mood_, and better them than me… I’d like to live to continue writing, thank you.
Jo: Good point.
Mako: (Beams.) I thought you’d see it my way. Now, on to… (Cues music.) Meiran!
Jo: (Ominous music plays.) Mwahahahaha! She lives! She liiiiiiiiives!

Symbols: blah – either foreign (Klingon/Romulan) or off-screen speech
_blah_ - emphasized word
_-_-_-_ - Change of scene
-blah- - sound effects

Meiran frowned up into Wufei's face for a long moment, hands on her hips. Then, she reared back and backhanded him, sending his head snapping to the side. "WHAT possessed you to go crawling to that spineless little petaQ Bao for help?" she demanded.

Wufei coolly faced forward again, back straight, emphasizing the several inches of height he had on her. "It is pleasant to see you again, too," he said. "How have you been? Is Chancellor Long doing well?"

"You know damn well how the entire Council is doing, unless you've quit listening to the news, and answer my question! You idiot! Have you lost what little sense you had? Calling BAO? I should cut your spine out and use it for hair ornaments!"

"Funny, Bao said that you were going to do that anyway."

"What? Ooh... that little-- I never said that about YOU!"

"Gentlemen," Wufei said dryly, behaving as if the Klingon woman was going through human pleasantries rather than darkening with fury, "her Highness, Princess Meiran of the House of Long; heir to the most esteemed Chancellor Long of the Klingon High Council; and best, youngest, smallest, and one of the few female warriors of the Kahless Academy of Art and War, class of '63."

"You forgot one."

Wufei coughed. "Er, and my ex-fiancée."

Duo took a few moments as he blinked to process that. "Ex... fiancée? Wha? Huh?"

Meiran raised her chin haughtily. "It means that the betrothal was broken for political reasons, namely the rise of the House of Duras and its xenophobic bootlickers. We couldn't afford to bring a half-human into the family." She made a disdainful sound. "Idiotic and unjust as the whole mess is."

Duo glared shortly at Wufei before turning back to the Klingon woman. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Lady Meiran."

Quatre stepped forward and bowed formally to her. "Thank you for your help, Lady Meiran. It is nice to finally meet you. How may we be of assistance to you?"

Meiran nodded curtly to her men, and they began vaporizing the bodies. "You, Captain, can sit on this macho idiot and not put up any fuss while the House of Long smoothes your way through the Empire. Your human, however... Duo Maxwell, in the name of Kahless, I challenge you to prove your honorable intentions towards Wufei of the House of Chang!"

"What?” Duo cried, staring at the petite woman in shock.

Wufei put a hand to his forehead ridge and groaned.

"Heero, NO, she's not hostile!" Quatre yelled, restraining the ex-Borg back and having Trowa hold him so he couldn’t attack their rescuer.

Meiran planted her feet and tipped her head even more arrogantly, managing to look down her nose at Duo despite being several inches shorter. "You will fight me in the ritual of jup'tob'yoj, to prove your worthiness for Wufei's bed!" she clarified.

Duo eyed her for a minute. “I’ve never heard of that ritual, and I’ve been studying the Klingon culture for as long as I can remember.”

"There IS no such ritual," Wufei muttered. "She made it up when we were at the Academy together."

Duo’s stare turned into an outright glare. “Dirty tricks will get you _nowhere_,” he said lowly.

Meiran frowned. "Who said anything about a dirty trick? Preemptive strike. I doubt I'll be around to kick your butt if you hurt him later on."

"MEI!"

"Fine, Lady. What's your game?" Duo said icily, moving to stand directly in front of Wufei, getting between him and the woman.

"My 'game', as your language so elegantly puts it, is to protect my 'Fei from thrill-seeking little yIH [1] fascinated by exotic kuveleta [2] pets." Meiran sneered

Duo's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I don't know who you've been talking to lately, but I am _not_ out to keep him as a pet. Besides, he's _my_ Wufei now."

Mei nearly growled. "Will you fight with words or with fists, kleon [3]?"

"Lady's choice," Duo said in that same cold voice, still standing between his lover and the small woman.

"He's already fighting you with words, Mei," Wufei interrupted, amused.

"So he is," Meiran said approvingly. "Sneaky Terran... I think I LIKE your human, Fei."

Duo glared yet again, and took a step forward, only to be restrained by Quatre. "Let. Go. Now. Quatre."

"I don't think so, Duo. Calm down." Quatre shot back.

"No, don't calm down!" Meiran protested.

"Give it up, Mei. You'll have to take Duo's measure the long way."

Duo blinked before looking back at Wufei. "What?" he snarled.

Wufei blinked. "'When a man fights another, he learns his opponent's character'," he said. "Yoshro of the House of Tog'shi."

Duo let out a low growl. "Captain? Can I go back to engineering now?"

Quatre cleared the smirk off of his face. "Why?"

"I need to check the warp core, _Sir_."

Quatre nodded. "Of course, Duo."

Duo stomped off, but not before glaring pointedly at Wufei. He then went through the door to Engineering, slamming the door shut behind him.

Quatre winced. "Well, that went well... I think."

/Thanks a LOT, Mei,/ Wufei muttered in Klingon.

"What?" Meiran asked with a knowing smile. "Did I mess something up?"

"Thank you very much for rescuing us. I'll never forgive you if you don't go down there and apologize for being a complete lunatic."

Meiran smiled wider. "Did I ruin your relationship with your human, 'Fei?"

Wufei snorted. "Hardly. If you had, you'd be spaced by now."

She sighed. "Terrans are just so easy to bait. Can you blame me?"

"Yes."

Meiran would have pouted had it been in her nature. "Fine. Would you prefer if I made peace with your human then?"

"Do as you like," Wufei grumbled, pushing Meiran away from him. "You always do.”

Quatre chose that moment to intercede. “I don’t think that would be the wisest thing at the present, Lady Meiran. I would like to ask you question. How did you know exactly how to find us?”

Meiran waved a hand in annoyance. "That loudmouth Bao, a few spies in the House of Tsong, and a quick launch. Followed that idiot the whole way here."

Quatre nodded in response, a little unsure of how to exactly proceed. "So... What are our plans for now?"

"Well..." Meiran made a show of thinking for a second. "I thought I'd have my engineers outfit you with a cloaking device, and then..." Her eyes went almost wistful. "Do you have Terran movies? And popcorn? [4]"

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
====Extra Special Commercial Break====
(image of Wufei standing next to a suitcase)
Quatre: (voiceover) Have a package to deliver? (Wufei rolls his eyes) Need it to be there the very next day? (Trowa walks onscreen) Send it by Maguanac Express! (Trowa grabs Wufei, who squawks, and shoves him and his luggage into a shuttle's airlock. Rashid catches and steadies Wufei, then cheerfully waves goodbye to Trowa)
(Image cuts to morning on Earth, and the Maguanacs setting a tied-up Wufei on a doorstep, and then ringing the bell. When Duo answers, they all but shove the sputtering Chinese boy into a delighted Duo's arms)
Quatre: Maguanac Express! When it absolutely, positively, must be there the very next day!
====End Commercial Break====
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_


“GET YOUR STINKING petaQ ASSES OUT OF MY ENGINEERING! THE NEXT KLINGON MORON I SEE IS DYING!!” Duo shouted, three bulky Klingons making a tactical advance as far away from the fuming human as possible, dropping tools in their haste to escape the phaser pointed at their nether regions.

They climbed frantically through the hatch into the crew common room, slamming it behind them.

"Heiress Meiran!"

"Commander Meiran!"

The girl paused her movie and turned, voice flat and low. "If there is not a good reason for interrupting this -- say, filthy yIH infesting the warp core -- I will have your heads on a platter. For breakfast!"

The ringleader growled, slapping a fist against his breastplate. "Worse, Lady Meiran! The Human refuses to allow the installation! He ordered us out at phaserpoint!" Duo chose that moment to step out with his phaser, which was still pointed at the three huge Klingon warriors.

“And I _will_ use it if anyone even _thinks_ about touching _my_ engines,” Duo growled, the hand holding the phaser coming out a bit more to point directly at the closest target’s… family jewels.

Meiran raised an eyebrow, and then pushed herself up from the couch, growling dangerously. "You. Were NOT. To install. It. Yourself!" She slugged the ringleader in the jaw, and he toppled. "What part of 'DELIVER' did you not understand? Kuvekhestat! Have you NO sense of professional courtesy?!"

Duo's eyes flicked over to Meiran as he kept the phaser on the men before him. "Delivery? You have some really _dumb_ people working for you, princess."

"My apologies," she said dryly -- a mannerism that had probably been picked up from Wufei. "Next time I rush from my home to rescue old friends, I'll be sure to select warriors with half a brain cell each."

Duo caught the un-Klingon behavior and snorted. "That would be nice. Now, tell your idiots to drop the cloaking device, or I shoot off their toes to start."

Mei raised an eyebrow at the three unfortunate morons. "Well? You heard the man."

The ringleader frowned. "Heiress, we're professionals. A human can't possibly install it correctly--"

Duo growled. "_MY_ engines. You even _think_ about trying that Klingon superiority _bullshit_ and you'll be the first to go. Besides, I know about Klingon weaponry, ships, mechanics, and I've improved a few things from ships I've scavenged. Now, want to try that _again_?"

"Er..."

"Yes, Soch, let's try this again," Mei said sweetly. "Give. The. Cloaking. Device. To. The. Human."

Duo held out the hand not holding the phaser and set his weapon from stun to kill. "Yes. Listen to the woman. She's being reasonable for once," he said icily.

Soch growled, and threw a couple of isolinear chips at Duo.

Duo deftly caught the chips in the air and took a few steps back before smiling. "Nice doing business with stupid yIH." He keyed in the code that locked the door behind him and smiled as he headed back to engineering to set up his new toy with his babies.

She flipped the movie back on. "--nlike other Robin Hoods, I speak with an English accent." Meiran grinned and 'oooh'ed with the movie's crowd.

Notes:
[1] yIH = Tribbles, which Klingons find disgusting
[2] Kuveleta = half-slave, an insult for some half-Klingons
[3] Kleon = enemy or opponent; it means the same thing to Klingons
[4] According to Jo-chan: Meiran is a Terran movie addict. Blame ‘Fei.