Waste

I just had the urge the other day to listen to my Astro Lounge CD. As track four began to play, I listened to the lyrics. They made me think of Duo. (\"What doesn\'t make you think of Duo?!\" you ask...) I then decided I\'d find insiration and write some sort of fic with the lyrics. I am now telling all you readers that these characters are not mine, nor is the song, and that both the characters and the song belong to their respective owners. I am not making money from my entertainment, so I think my fics are legal, so please don\'t sue me. I will also warn you that there is some angst, shonen ai, and maybe a little yaoi. Oh, what would we do without the yaoi...?

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Waste
by Chibimono Akuno
/lyrics by Smash Mouth/


/I\'m lookin\' at my watch/

I don\'t know when my birtday is, but I think I\'m twentyone now. I\'ve got a good job with the Preventers and I share a two bedroom apartment with my work partner and best friend, Heero Yuy.

/At all the time that\'s been stolen/

It seems odd, really, that there is no war to worry about. We can have normal lives, if that is at all possible. I mean, seriously, how can we live sane, normal lives after what we\'ve been through? All we know about is war and fighting. It almost makes me angry sometime when people think we understand the ways of society. We don\'t. Heero and I don\'t know what real life is like. All we know is battle strategy and pain... We both had such horrible childhoods. I\'ve come to terms with my painful memories, but Heero...

/When I was carrying you/

Now that the war was over, he was trying so hard to let his guard down. He slowly forced himself to change his ways as a soldier. Not long after we moved in together, I started to hear him having nightmares. At first, he refused to talk about them, but when he knew I wanted to help him and when he felt he could trust me, he opened up. Underneath it all, he was so weak afraifraid. He needed someone, and I became his crutch. I took care of him. His heart ached as badly as mine did, underneath it all. We both needed someone.

/It seems I\'ve tripped and I\'ve fallen/

We were friends, best friends... And I loved him so much. I fell and I fell and I fell even further in love with him every time I looked into those beautiful cobalt blue jewels that were his eyes.

/Don\'t want no one to ache/

I was afraid to tell him how I felt. Oh, I loved him and would do anything for him, but I just couldn\'t tell him. I didn\'t know how he would take it. I don\'t think anyone had ever told him that they loved him. I don\'t even think he knew what love was. I hurt I was so much in love with him, but I didn\'t want him to hurt like I did.

/Oh to be drunk and forgetful/

Quatre had a party he invited us to when he turned twentyone. Heero wouldn\'t drink any alchohol, but I got pretty trashed that night. One the way home, I said some things I never would have said to him had I been sober. I told him how much I loved him, and all the things I wanted to do to his naked body. I passed out before we made it home.

/To get out of this unscathed/

The next morning, I woke up with a horrible hangover. I went down the hall to the kitchen for some coffee, and I found Heero sitting at the small kitchen table. He looked like he had been up all night. I asked him what was wrong, and he demanded to know if what I had said the night before was the truth. I couldn\'t say to him anything but the truth. After a long silence, he told me to get out. At least that was all he did, when he could have severly injured me easily.

/Oh to be free and inhuman/

With just my affirmation, he closed up. All the barriers that we worked so hard to bring down for him went right back up. He went right back to being the Perfect Soldier. I can understand that he was upset. I could tell that he was confused by my feel, be, being that I am a guy as well, and he couldn\'t comprehend his feelings of confusion. His only reaction to such situations was to shut himself away and remove that which caused the confusion as quickly as possible. That was most likely the same thing I would do in his place.

/Some may say
I love to play/

Oh, it hurt to love him, but it hurt even more now. I was without him. He hated me now, too. I didn\'t know that for a fact, but I most certainly felt that as I left the apartment. He trusted me, but I confused him and made him unsure, which was something he hated. I didn\'t protest or make a fuss about being told to leave. I kinda felt like I deserved it. I\'m machocistic, you know.

/When a chance is there to take.../

I decided I\'d take the time I had away from him to get over him. I took my vaction time from work the very next day. I used those three weeks to completely destroy myself. Life is a game of chance, and I wanted to take all the risks I could.

/I\'m moppin\' up the floor/

I went out of town to stay at a hotel. I slept all day and partied my life away. I found myself at raves, in the middle of mosh pits, and in back alleys. I drank myself sick every night and would find myself on the floor of the bathroom in my hotel room every morning.

/From messy recipes of romance/

Sometimes, I would see a dark haired, blue eyed guy where ever I was at. If I made the right moves, he went home with me later that night. Oh, I would pretend he was Heero, but my imagination wouldn\'t work. After the guy would leave, all I could do was cry. I know boys don\'t cry, but I wasn\'t a boy anymore. I wasn\'t even a man. I was just waste Heero threw out.

/I\'m packin\' up the pots/

When my three weeks vaction was up, I was feeling worse than when it began. I couldn\'t go back to work either, Heero was still there. The only thing I knew to do was to quit. I went into my office at the headquarters to grab my things and I was gone from there, not seeing Heero at all, but that was mostly because I avoided him anyway.

/Too many cooks in the kitchen/

as tas too much for me. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was at my lowest low. Too many problems. I hated myself, mostly because I thought Heero hated me.

/Some may say
I love to let/

I screwed myself up at Quatre\'s party and I just let the little screw up get worse.

/A good thing go to waste/

I was so depressed, there was no way out for me. I was just a waste. A waste of space. A waste of life.

/I let it go to waste.../

I slit my wrist, took a whole bottle of pills, and waited to die.

/let a good thing go to waste
a good thing go to waste/

I woke up in a hospital days later. Quatre was there, crying by my bedside. He asked me why I did it, why I tried to kill myself. All I could say was that I loved Heero, and Heero hated me. Quatre cried more.

/let a good thing
a good thing go to waste.../

After I got out of the hospital, I was placed in a mental ward. The people there were scary, but I wasn\'t afraid. In fact, I think I terrified some of them. I came to see, though, that what I did was stupid. I let rejection depress me to the point I was willing to let everything go. I didn\'t know any better, being that I didn\'t understand society from all those years of running, hiding, and fighting during the war.

/I\'m lookiat mat my watch/

I got out the mental ward two months later. I couldn\'t believe my eyes when I saw who was taking me home. He said he overreacted. He admitted he was confused. All this time without me, Heero realized he felt the same for me as I did for him.

/At all the time that\'s been stolen/

old old me how he looked for me everywhere. In the time we had apart, he only wished it would end and that we would be together again. That time we had apart was wasted time that we could never have back.

/When I was carrying you/

In that time that we stole from each other, I nearly lost my life. Heero blamed himself for my attempt at suicide, but he vowed he would never let me attempt it again. After all I did for him, he was ashamed that he had acted so quickly and so cruelly with me. Now it was his turn to take care of me.

/Seems I\'ve tripped and I\'ve fallen.../

In that time we had apart, he fell and he fell and he fell further in love with me every time he thought about looking into my violet eyes again. He couldn\'t understand it, but he decided that understanding didn\'t matter. I was always there for him and I loved him. He now knew he loved me and would always be there for me. I wasn\'t the waste I thought I was after all.

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- owari -