To Bleed Truth

To Bleed Truth

Warnings: Randomness, angst, abuse, hints of shonen-ai and suicide.

Notes: I was really miserable the night I wrote this, for reasons within my own family that I don’t think is necessary to share with you guys, but let’s just say my mom is Satan and my dad is her lap dog and leave it at that.

Disclaimer: I do not claim rights to any Gundam Wing/AC references or character names. Don\'t sue me!

~*~

Death was an amateur compared to me. I was pain, suffering, injustice, and misery. I loved no one, and no one was allowed to love me. I was the reason for death to exist.

Some things never change. I knew I never would.

Trivial things such as peace and happiness could never be achieved through chats over tea or friendly phone calls or get togethers or parties, it required death’s assistance. The world as we know it would never have come to what it is without war and cruelty. There is just no getting around the likes of me.

People destined to serve under the ruling of despair are born that way, I would know first hand. The first person to ever love me died during my birth, my mother. I will never forget her, though I’d only known her through pictures and stories. My father didn’t tell me the stories, no, it was my family’s priest who took me in and read me to sleep. My father hated me.

The bastard got what was coming to him when he raped me, although the absence of his affection for me keeps him alive still today with the luck of the damned.

The family at the church died because of our shared love. Solo died. Lee died, Mario died, Chester, Nova, Two-Bit, Aleks and Minx died. All because of me, and my permanent curse. I miss them all. I miss Solo.

Somehow I don’t doubt the hunch I get, that every time I even think about the love we once shared grants them torture ten fold to the hell they went to because of me. It’s hard to accept sometimes, I don’t want to, I wish I didn’t have to. There’s just no exit for me. I have no way of dealing with the constant pain in my chest; nothing and no one can quell the insistent swelling, because it requires compassion. But that is just something I will not allow anyone to give to me. It would endanger their lives, and I was tired of being responsible for that.

There was one man though, who broke through my defenses, who stopped my world from spinning for a whole two months of love before I lost him as well. He was like my brother for a while, but then we grew too close, and no matter how hard I tried to push him away, to reject him in the worst way in hopes he would leave, he never gave up.

He’d claimed he knew me, knew my fears, thought he could cure me. But you can’t cure sin; you can’t just cover it up, throw it under the rug and forget it was ever there. God knows it’s there, he always finds out because he is a deity, because he is the Holy Ghost. It’s impossible to run from religion, and it was impossible for me to run from Heero. I couldn’t stop the Perfect Soldier, my Perfect Soldier, from getting what he wanted, and once he had me in a corner, he had opened Pandora’s Box.

I stand here now, over his head stone in the middle of a spacious yard of graves, and sigh deeply. My tears have been used until I was dry, and now I wished I had just a few more for Heero’s sake. I mourned for him, like all the others before him, in hopes he realizes what he’d done. He’d told me repeatedly that he’d never leave me, that’d he’d never let me live longer than him, but that’s not what a complete stranger had wanted, that wasn’t what a dedicated OZ supporter had wanted. And Heero knew it was his fault.

I’d tried to warn him, tried to turn him away, to redirect his train of interest so that he wouldn’t get hurt. But, I soon came to realize, a little too late, that even if he had left me for a better life, one with smiles and laughter, that he still would have been followed by a curse. I had loved him since the day we had crossed paths, and from that day forward, all Death was waiting for was for him to return the emotions.

It had taken him so long to break off from his training, his habits and his linking to killing and battle, and to have him lose his life at such a young age just after going through that immense struggle to be free brought the guilt harder down onto my back. Guilt was all I could hold onto that was constant in my life, pain and sorrow and regret for the things I’ve done and the losses I’ve caused.

I’ve broken away from all that, turned away from Quatre’s politeness, WuFei’s company, Trowa’s sympathy, just so they could live, just so they could be happy. It was a hard battle to fight for me, and I was glad when I finally won and the three stopped trying to get in touch with me after a few months of worry. I didn’t want them to worry, I didn’t need them to. I needed to be alone and stay that way.

I sat myself on the soft grass, full of gloom and old flower petals, and set a small scarlet rose on Heero’s grave, six feet above his soulless body. My head started to hurt from the strain on my eyes, the empty tear ducks throbbing and desperately trying to find moisture to expel. I wouldn’t cry, I didn’t have anything left, and for a moment I thought I was sobbing, bloody droplets taking the place of water as it ran down my cheeks. It wasn’t real though, even if I thought I felt it, and as I reached into my back pocket for the knife Solo had given me to watch over, I whimpered silently.

I knew what I was doing, I had to do it. I’d been saving the switchblade for almost a decade now, just for this moment, waiting for this day to come. Now that it was here, I rejoiced. The world would be safer, it’s people safer, now that I was strong enough, brave enough to put that shiny yet dulled blade to my bared wrist, and press down.

It was a few minutes and a couple deep, slow slashes later that I found a smirk creeping across my face. I was damned. I would meet my Hell with my head held high and proud, looking up to see Heaven, a tiny dot of a golden gate, and smile at my family, smile at my loved ones, smile at Heero. They would watch me in my torture, watch me in my suffering, but they would not be sad for me. I would be where I belonged, my memories keeping that constant grin curling my lips for all eternity, memories of Solo and the gang pulling pranks, memories of Father Maxwell helping me up when I fell, memories of Heero’s touch on my naked flesh and the moment I witnessed his first true laugh. They would keep me satisfied with my agony, and I would accept it with gratitude.

I felt the thick blood run down my arm, and gripped the ivory handle of Solo’s trusted pocketknife gratefully as my vision blurred.

“Thank you.” I whispered, voice hoarse and deep but still adolescent.

I fell to my back then, lying with my head just where Heero’s would have been, aligned almost perfectly with his body, and closed my heavy eyelids. I was going home, where I truly belonged, and I would no longer plague this earth with my existence, my bad luck, my true inner evil. There would be no more frightened children scared of what might be under their beds or in their closets at night, no more worries about what others will think or judge of the people around them, no more war, no more death. No more me.

My consciousness was soon lost, but I exulted in it, reveled in it, danced within the darkness of my release. I delighted in the fact that my spirit would no longer be a black hole in this world’s sun light, that I would no longer dent society by wasting space for someone much better a man than I was, and that I could finally be with who I was meant to be with. Satan, Shinigami, Hades, Osiris. They all awaited my presence, stood in line to shake my hand and thank me for giving them so much, and as I pictured myself walking down that line, my body finally gave into the loss of blood, and I was freed.

~*~

Owari.

Do not ask me where this came from, because once more I will remind you that I was in an incredibly depressed mood and that it was caused by my mother’s cruelty and my father’s passive ‘yes master’ nature to whatever my mother says, ever. Enjoy the dark, character-death fic as best you can or as best you want because this was basically just blowing fumes for me. Sorry if it ruined someone’s day.

~*~