Prayer to Gackt

Title: Prayer to Gackt

Author: Aislira Falcon

Archive: Soon to be at Sef\'s place: http://www.angelfire.com/magic/libertyville/ And now at Adult Fanfiction.net If anybody else wants it, let me know, and you can have it.

Rating: NC-17

Warnings/Category: Angst, yaoi lemon, sap, Gackt worshipping/bastardization, thoughts of suicide, slight cross-over

Pairings: Yaoi. Male/Male. Boy x Boy. Two guys getting it on. Other than that, I\'m not spilling. Though one of them is pretty obvious at the beginning...

Disclaimer: Don\'t own, never will, won\'t dwell on it.

Summary: Someone becomes a slave to Gackt\'s charisma and wastes away. Someone else tries to help.

Feedback: Is this even a question? Send it to aislira@yahoo.com

Author\'s Notes: First person POV...sorry, but that\'s how it wanted to be written. Anyhow, I am one of the High Priestesses of Gacktism, and I figured it was about time there was a fanfiction about Gackt worship. And since I love Gundam Wing, I figured why not.

Dedication: To the stunning Keiran, may her fanfiction and fanart shine on forever. Also to the amazing Neri Maxwell! I will now proceed to glow at these insanely great people! *glows*

Prayer to Gackt

I can\'t believe I\'m finally free of your influence. Why did you have to rob me of my innocence? Was it just too much to resist? The long, chestnut hair flowing down my back. The wide violet eyes that stared at you with stars in them. The temptation must have been so great to just grab me and show me everything you were sure I was begging for. I was your biggest fan; your most devoted Dear. And do you see what you have done to me. You have warped me, ruined me for any other. I had claimed to be Shinigami, but you have shown me how wrong I was. You are a Shinigami, but while I only killed, you did much worse. You took people\'s lives, yes, but didn\'t kill them. You carved out their soul, made them shells, voids, husks of their former selves. And thusly have you done to me. I don\'t smile anymore, even Heero has commented about it. I should have been surprised. Heero never notices anything about me, but I just couldn\'t get up the emotion. You had sapped it all from me. All of it had been given to your music, to your being. I walk about the safehouses now, an empty doll. My hair has grown lank and oily. I cannot get up the energy to even wash it anymore. I have toyed with the idea of cutting it, and that was something I swore I would never do. Only the fact that you said I was beautiful with it stops my hand.

If it were not for my friends, my comrades in arms, I think I would have gone over the edge. I would have become just another face in your crowds. Just another enslaved servant. But they wouldn\'t let me. They knew of my fascination with you. They had heard me crying in my room at nights, listening to one of your songs. Quatre could feel my despair with his heart, and in turn despaired. He had grown as listless as I, and Trowa had worried for his smaller lover. He had spent precious hours trying to cheer his lover up, tenderly bathing him when the Arabian wouldn\'t, couldn\'t, do it himself. These actions had depressed me farther. I yearned for you to do this for me. To cuddle with me on the couch, to stroke my hair from my forehead, and whisper those words that seem to come so easily to you in song. But I had no one. No one cared, no one loved. No one would hold me in the long nights I was without you.

Until one night. It had been worse than usual. I had seen you in concert that night, and like before your eyes had passed over me, unseeing. Until that song. That damnable song. You know the one, and you knew exactly what you were doing when you drew me up on stage and sang to me. Our hips thrust together in a concert as magical as the one you were giving to your other Dears. But tonight I was again the special one. I was the one chosen by you. You stared into my eyes as your husky voice went straight to my groin. I had been hard from the first notes from your lips, the sweet strains of \'Ares.\' And now this.

It was too much for me to take. I needed you so badly I thought I would explode. But still you teased me, bringing me close to that sweet mouth singing such dirty things. And then as the music reached its crescendo, simulating orgasm, you kissed me. Why, why did you have to do that? I melted into the firmness of your lips, and automatically opened my mouth, surrendering to you like I had before. This time though you didn\'t take up my invitation, merely parted from me and laughed, showing me back to my seat. I could feel tears burning beneath my closed lids as you returned to the stage and began singing again.

My heart broke piece by piece with every song you performed. During your last song, your final number for the night, I knew that if you wouldn\'t have me there was no reason to live. I couldn\'t stand it anymore, and at least if I returned as a ghost I could be near you always.

I left the concert hall, tears silently falling, not knowing how I would do it, but knowing that I would. I returned to the safehouse, not caring if the others were up, and not caring how they saw me. My mind was too filled with thoughts of you to notice that there was a shadow in the living room, a curiously live shadow. Of course I was a shadow too, a living specter of my former self. The shadow stood as I walked past, my eyes blank and lifeless, and hit me. If it hadn\'t been for you and your near-magical spell I would have known, I would have seen the shadow and could have warded off the attack. Instead I fell forward, slipping into the darkness of unconsciousness.

When I woke I felt warm water lapping at my chest, and soft hands at my hair. My first reaction was to sigh, to murmur your name and sink a little lower into the bathwater. I could feel the fingers pause a moment, stiffen, before continuing with their tender ministrations. I didn\'t open my eyes. I couldn\'t bear to see that it wasn\'t you. I couldn\'t bear to see the pity in whichever of my friends\' eyes was looking down at me.

I could tell they were looking at me. I could feel the heavy weight of their eyes on my body. I didn\'t care anymore. Let them look at my body. It is only a shell anyway. My body lay in the tub, unresponsive to the careful washings of one of my friends and fellow pilots. My mind was filled with thoughts of you. Of your perfection. Your slim body and the hard heat that had burned away my innocence. Of your blue eyes, or were they brown, I never did find out, burning into me with the intensity that I had found in only one other person. No, it is best not to think of him now. Now there is only you. As if he would even want me after what I had become, r whr what I had done.

I felt calloused hands shift me into a sitting position, and then a warm cloth ran down my back. My hair had been draped over my chest, and I could feel some of the strands caress my cock. I moaned quietly and the hands stilled, waiting maybe. My eyes did open then, and I looked up into deep Prussian blue eyes, \"Please, Heero?\" I don\'t know what I was asking him. For help maybe, or for release, or maybe I was asking him to take me away from you. Asking him to love me, so I could love him and escape the web you had spun for me.

Heero had frowned at me and looked away. I felt my heart break again, twice in the same night. My tears fell silently and mixed with the bathwater. I hate it when I\'m right. I turned away, too, angry with him and angry with myself. But not with you, never with you. You bespelled me too well. I couldn\'t even fathom being angry with you. You are perfection, aren\'t you? You are my God, you are my love, you are my everything, and I am only your Dear. My whole body shifted away from the emotionless void of his eyes, eyes that suddenly remind me too much of you, \"Leave me alone, Heero.\"

Rough hands turned me back to him, and I could not escape the piercing gaze. Blue eyes were furious and they raked over my body, leaving me to shiver in their wake, \"Why, Duo? So I can watch you kill yourself little by little every day?! No! Not this time!\"

He picked me up and wrapped me in a warm, fluffy towel. I was carted into a bedroom, his bedroom, and dumped unceremoniously onto his bed. Heero\'s bed.

I stared up at him, wide-eyed and a little afraid. I marveled for a moment. I was afraid. I who had felt nothing but what you had commanded through your songs, was afraid. How was that? Granted it was only a small portion, the majority of my emotions being locked away until I saw you again, heard you again. Still it was there. I felt the spark of hope being lit. Maybe I could escape from you. Maybe Heero would show me how. Then I remembered how your lips felt on mine, how your hands caressed my ass so knowingly. My mind froze for a second. Your hands on my ass? You\'ve only done that once before. I raked my memory for a clue, any clue. You never did anything without a reason. Generally it was a reason known only to yourself, and seldom did alloallow any of your Dears to understand, but it was enough to know you knew.

I jumped off the bed, startling Heero, \"Jeans! I have to find my jeans!\"

Heero\'s brow knit in confusion. It had been quite a long time since he had last heard my voice this loud, this excited, \"They\'re in the bathroom. Why?\"

I was already through the door when Heero asked his question. I quickly picked up the skintight jeans and dug through the back pockets. It was astounding these jeans even had pockets, but that\'s not important. What was important was the small scrap of white paper with an address and a time. One hour from now. I sank to the floor, my hands clasped. \"Oh Kami,\" I sobbed in relief and excitement. I barely heard Heero enter the bathroom, but I did feel it when he ripped the paper out of my hands. I watched in shock as he tore the paper to shreds. My heart fell with the tiny pieces. I scrambled to pick up the strips of my heart, my hope, but Heero wouldn\'t let me. He knelt by my side and picked up my hands in his. I didn\'t mean to look into his eyes, I really didn\'t, but like you he had a way about him. He commanded me without words to look at him. And like the moth to the flame I did. I stared deep into his blue, blue eyes, and I heard the words he said to me, \"Duo, you don\'t need him. You don\'t need this. You\'re stronger than he is.\"

Fury rushed up to fill the hollow void you had left in my soul. Scornfully I mocked him, \"What do you know, Heero? How can you ever understand how it feels to...\"

Heero gazed upon me with such compassion, \"How it feels to love someone so much you obsess over them. You love them so much you follow them. You watch them every chance you get? You even sneak into their room at night to watch them as they sleep, knowing it will not be your name on their lips when they awake, but some other man\'s. You follow them, watch over them, and protect them when you can. You waste away when they aren\'t near you, and find your life a little brighter when they are. And you despair because they don\'t know. They don\'t see you. They won\'t accept what\'s so freely given.\"

My jaw dropped. I could not believe the flow of words from his mouth. Heero, who until this moment hadn\'t said more than five words at a time to me. These poetic words were falling from his mouth. And suddenly the pieces fell into place. The eyes I could feel watching me at night, Heero\'s eyes. I had dreamed of you on those nights, of your eyes watching me, of your hands running down my body, of your lips, so hesitant, so unlike your normal kisses. It was Heero who had always been by my side, and always would be. No matter what.

The knowledge lit a fire in my soul, a fire almost too long banked, a fire almost lost. You had stolen that fire and I had let you. But Heero had given it back to me. I launched myself at Heero, laughing and crying. How freeing it felt to release those emotions.

I think Heero was a bit confused at first, but his arms came around me and held me as I sobbed my relief and my sorrow and my joy. I can\'t help but wonder would you have done this for me? Or would you have continued to sap my love from me until there was nothing left. My mind was set and I lay back, pulling him with me, and smiled up at Heero, offering myself to him, \"I\'m sorry, Heero.\"

Heero was only human, and the sight of me, my hair unbound was too much for him. He ducked his head down and stole a kiss from my lips, \"What?\"

\"I\'m sorry for being so blind. I can\'t believe you didn\'t kill me for being so weak.\"

Heero shook his head and trailed kisses down my neck. He muttered between soft kisses, \"Couldn\'t kill you. Love you too much.\"

My eyes must have fairly lit up the room, Heero loved me? Oh how I had longed to hear those very words from your lips, but somehow hearing them from him was so much better. I arched up as his lips found one of my nipples, and I gasped, \"Oh Kami-sama! Ai shiteru, Heero!\"

He smiled and his tongue flicked out, scraping against the brown-sugar nub. His hands were roaming everywhere, not stopping at one place for too long. I had lain back against the pillows, not able to do anything but pant his name. His mouth moved lower, grazing the muscles of my stomach, dipping into my navel. My hands clenched in his messy brown hair, hair that had once reminded me of you, but now it was only him. His touch was so different from yours, so much more hesitant, but oh so good. One of his hands, calloused instead of baby soft like yours, grasped the base of my cock, and his mouth quickly followed. In this, too, he was your antithesis. He didn\'t know exactly what to do, his rhythm was ragged, and occasionally his teeth scraped against sensitive flesh. I cried out when that happened, not in pain, but in joy. Each time I disappeared into his mouth I was reminded that I was freed from you. I was reminded that my soul had been given back to me. It was no longer held by you, but was my own to give or take as I pleased.

\"Onegai, Heero! Onegai!\"

Heero released me from the wet, heat of his mouth and rose onto his elbows to look me in the eye, \"What do you want, Duo?\"

My eyes closed in sheer ecstatic agony, \"Anything you want, Heero! Anything.\"

I must have said something wrong, because suddenly I could no longer feel Heero\'s body heat. I opened my eyes and caught my breath, in fear or in lust I couldn\'t tell anymore. Heero stood above me, his eyes flinty and hard, his body shamelessly hard. Heero shook his head, \"No, Duo. I won\'t, not when you\'re still his.\"

I scrambled to my feet, doesn\'t he see? I am no longer yours! But even now that I\'m almost free, your strings are playing with my life. Part of me agrees with Heero, I am still yours, until you no longer want me. Another part screams from the recesses of my mind, and that part is stronger. The fire blazes again and I grab Heero\'s arm, stopping him from leaving, \"No, Heero. You\'re wrong. I love you and I want you! Not him.\"

Heero still didn\'t look convinced and he tried to pull his arm free. It was desperation that leant me strength, and I stubbornly held on. I needed to convince him I was free of your spell, I may have been yours in the past, but I was no longer. I did the only thing I could. I crushed my lips to his. My tongue invaded his mouth, and my hands ran down to his ass. When we parted we were both breathing hard, panting and staring in each other\'s eyes. Never was it this way with you. You used me and I worshipped you. We were never equals. How could we be, you were everything and I was nothing. Here I was an equal. I loved and was beloved. I growled into his ear, \"What do I want? I want you, Yuy. Pinning me down to the bed and fucking me, hard and fast.\" One of my hands slipped around and grasped his still hard cock, \"I want this in my ass. And I mean now! Is that good enough for you, Yuy?\"

I saw the flame in Heero\'s eyes, a flame that had never touched yours. You were ice and he was fire. Briefly part of mnd fnd filled with images of the two of you together. I banished it quickly. I was done with you. I belonged to Heero now.

I squeaked as Heero flipped me over his shoulder, his hand ran down my ass, caressing and squeezing. He tossed me onto his bed, and immediately covered my body with his. He quickly searched around and came up with hand lotion. I grinned and with thieving quick fingers stole it from him. I opened it and squirted a generous amount onto my hand. Swiftly I stroked his cock, lubing him up. I guided him to my opening, and smiled when he stopped. His eyes, so full of worry and kindness questioned me. His voice, like his hands, so much rougher than yours, but to me the finest velvet, spoke, \"Duo, don\'t you have to be prepared? I don\'t want to hurt you.\"

My eyes slid closed and I could feel myself begin to tear up and my heart threatened to burst. No one, not you, not G, no one had ever said those words to me. Not since Solo, not since the orphanage had anyone cared about me, about my pain. I forced my eyes open, laid my soul bare before him, \"You won\'t hurt me, Heero. I love you.\"

\"I love you, too,\" he whispered, and he slowly slid into me. I have never, -never- felt the completeness that I do at this moment. With you I felt empty afterwards. I felt as if something was missing. You had left me in that cold hotel room, and I cried. I knew now that Heero would never do that to me.

He\'s all the way in me now, and pausing to let me adjust. My breath hitches once, and then I\'m wiggling, making him move. And move he does, long, slow strokes give way to quick, ragged thrusts as we both climb higher and higher in the other\'s arms.

The fire; your fire seeking to claim me, my fire rising up to swallow me, his fire burning away my impurities, they threatened to rise up and overwhel, bu, but Heero was there and he would protect me.

I am not afraid anymore, because he loves me and will protect me from anything, from everything. Even from you, Gackt-sama.

Amen.