Some Advice

Author\'s Note : Ah, my first foray into non-yaoi explicitness, and especially Fullmetal Alchemist. I enjoy a good squick pairing more than anything, so this story was born.
Disclaimer : This is purely a fic out of fan appreciation and fan speculation. No ownership here!

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\"Greed? Greed? Are you asleep?\" What had been a pleasant afternoon nap for Greed, which contained a dream that entailed trussing up Envy in some bondage gear and giving him the good spanking he deserved, was rudely interrupted by a fat finger jabbing incessantly at his temple. He let out a groan and turned over onto his stomach, pulling a pillow from the couch he was resting on over his head. The poking didn\'t stop.

\"Greed? Greed?\" Gluttony\'s plaintive tone was beginning to get on his nerves. Sitting up, Greed was relieved to have the tapping at his head halted, and threw the pillow at his chubby compatriot before growling a reply.

\"I /was/ asleep. What do you want?\" He snapped, raking the fingers of one hand through his hair to get it a bit less mussed from sleeping on the couch. For the past couple of days, Gluttony, Lust, Envy, and Greed had gathered at a town on the Eastern edges of Amestris to regroup and discuss what exactly they were going to do next. After killing the family who lived in this house previously, they had set up base there and so far everything had gone swimmingly. That was until Gluttony interrupted Greed\'s catnap.

There was an awkward silence, and the eternally hungry homunculus scuffed one foot on the floor sheepishly. The slight scowl on Greed\'s face deepened into a full-out glower. \"What is it?\" Still more silence, then Gluttony mumbled something completely unintelligible. The greedy homunculus narrowed his eyes and turned around to rest his feet on the floor so he could tap one against it impatiently.

\"Wannahafexwilust.\" The slightly louder sentence was garbled at best. Greed cocked his head to one side. \"Eh?\"
Gluttony repeated the sentence, only slightly more coherent. Still, Greed was baffled to what he was trying to say. \"Huh?\" There was another stretch of silence, then the glutton of the homunculi intoned in a nervous but clear voice...

\"I wanna have sex with Lust.\"

For perhaps the first time in his life, homunculus or previous, Greed was robbed of the power of speech. His lower eyelid twitched, his jaw hung half-open, and momentarily he could make no sound but a disgruntled gurgle. He had certainly not needed to know that. He made sure Gluttony knew that.

\"Why the FUCK would you tell me that?!\" Greed bellowed, spraying saliva everywhere and standing up to further intimidate the other sin. \"I did NOT need that mental image!!\" Once done shouting, he shuddered and sat down again. Gluttony was cringing now, and it took a few moments before he started talking again.

\"You\'re always around girls... What do they like? How do I get Lust to agree? What do I do when it happens?\" He asked, now looking almost hopeful that his questions would be answered. Greed\'s eye twitched again. \"Envy put you up to this, didn\'t he? ENVY!!! I\'M GONNA KICK THAT CROSSDRESSING ASS OF YOURS BACK TO--\"

\"No he didn\'t.\" Gluttony said, blinking with a blank look on his face. Now that Greed wasn\'t yelling at him directly, he wasn\'t exactly intimidated anymore. The gray-eyed homunculus sighed in resignation and picked up his glasses from the side table near the end of the couch, then put them on. There was no way around this now... He had to give Gluttony \'the talk\'. Glorious. And he couldn\'t even try to beat up Envy for the whole experience, at least not without a good reason besides stress relief.

\"Okay, fine. Here\'s the first part... Picking up girls...\" Greed was in a state of mild denial at this point, his voice degrading to a monotone as his vocal cords when on autopilot. His mind went back to beating Envy\'s tight little becorsetted ass with a paddle. Gluttony looked delighted and sat down, the furniture rattling noisily at the sudden shift of weight.

\"Girls like it when you have manners. Say \'please\' when asking for something, and \'thank you\' when you get it. Compliment her. Women are easier to get in bed when you say nice things about their clothes, hair, and things like that.\" He couldn\'t believe he was doing this. \"Lust\'s like any other woman when you get down to it... I\'ve never gotten very far, but I\'m sure she likes sex as much as the next girl.\" At this, Gluttony visibly perked up. Greed winced. \"Oh, and women like presents. Give Lust something nice, and I\'m sure she\'ll be a little more receptive.\" This brought up memories of a bouquet of red roses he had presented to Lust once. The female homunculus had stared at the flowers, then stalked off without a word. \"Don\'t give her roses, though. Try... Uhhh... Chocolates.\"

At the mention of edible things, Gluttony frowned. \"But... Chocolates are tasty... Can\'t I eat them myself?\" Greed shook his head. \"Nobody likes being given an empty box. The reward if you do this right is even better than chocolate.\" The innocent part was over. Oh god... Greed closed his eyes, not wanting to see the other homunculus\' expression as he kept going. \"Between flirting and real sex comes foreplay.\" Here he paused for a shiver, desperately imagining he was talking to somebody else, anyone but Gluttony.

\"Go on!\" The plump homunculus said eagerly, rocking back and causing the floorboards to creak.

\"Don\'t do that. Just be quiet.\" Greed reasoned to himself that the less he heard of Gluttony, the less he\'d have to think about him specifically. \"Okay, the first part about pre-sex is getting up the... Ahh... You know that thing between your legs?\" He squinted a bit, not trying to have that image come up.

\"That... Dangly thing?\" Gluttony inquired, tilting his head to one side almost birdlike. The other homunculus shuddered and nodded. \"It\'s supposed to get hard before you do it... Usually seeing the girl naked in front of you will do it, especially if she\'s begging for it or something. It depends on personal taste. If that doesn\'t make it... Not dangly... You put your hand around it and... Sss... Stroke it... a little, just to get yourself going...\" Greed kept his eyes tightly clenched shut and shivered again. So disgusting...

\"Like this?\" Apparently Gluttony wanted to try it out first. For a moment Greed froze in absolute horror, the sound of flesh rubbing against cloth invading his ears and forcing his eyes to open in shock. Swiftly he looked away, trying to ignore the brief glimpse of Gluttony with one meaty hand over his groin.

\"NOT IN FRONT OF ME!!!\" He shouted, clapping his hands over his ears to block out the sound of almost-masturbation. Immediately the sound stopped, and the tubby homunculus looked slightly disappointed, then brightened as he looked down.

\"Greed! It worked!\" Gluttony said, extending one stubby forefinger to poke at the tent in his pants. Greed snapped his eyes shut again and hissed, and Gluttony quickly withdrew his hand.

\"Just... Do it when I\'m not here... Ugh.\" He knew he had to finish this. \"Okay, you got that down... Girls like to be touched.\"

\"Where?\"

Greed winced again. He silently cursed his ages of sexual experience; it made him the guru of the homunculi on the subject. Therefore, he had to give Gluttony the advice. He\'d cheat and make it vague, at least. \"Anywhere you can think of. You just gotta be gentle... Lust might like the little nips and licks, but no full-out biting. That\'s not really appreciated by girls unless they\'re really caught up with it. Massage some places, give attention to the breasts, stomach, and shoulders.\" Now he was thinking about Lust in this situation with himself, but the image of Gluttony with the tent in his pants effectively eliminated any sort of traces of a boner. \"Then, once she\'s panting and sweaty and pleading for more than just touches, spread her legs apart and back up a little--\" Greed was interrupted by a dull groan. He cracked one eye open and saw Gluttony with his fingers digging into the floor, knees drawn up to his expansive stomach and his entire fleshy frame trembling lightly. Shit, he was turning him on. Better finish it quick. He opened both eyes and instead stared at the ceiling.

\"Go on!\" Gluttony implored, squirming. The taller sin grimaced and kept talking. \"There\'s a hole between every woman\'s legs, and by this time it should be very damp. It\'s in the middle of the space, and it\'s pinkish red. Unless you have some lube, you shouldn\'t go for the hole underneath it if you don\'t want her to kill you.\" Here he gulped and paused for a breath, ignoring Gluttony\'s heavy breathing. \"The nub above the hole is really sensitive, and if you want you can lick it and stroke it a little just to tease her.\" Greed was interrupted by a loud moan. He shuddered.

\"When you\'re done with that, you put your.. hardness.. into the hole, and start thrusting. Keep this up until you peak, and take notice of her peak. You\'ll know an orgasm when you feel it... They\'re hard to describe.\" The real reason was that he didn\'t want to go into dealing with that right now. This whole experience was scarring enough for him. Wetting his cracked and dry lips with the tip of his tongue, Greed breathed again. \"If you aren\'t exhausted by then, go ahead and try for another peak and keep thrusting. But if she\'s too tired, and she asks you to stop, stop. You don\'t want to get Lust angry. Once you\'re done, you pull yourself out and just lay next to her. Hug her if you want, but be very careful. And... That\'s all you need to know.\" Finally, he was done. There were a few moments of silence save for Gluttony\'s labored breathing, and he looked down and the other homunculus with vague curiousity. His \'student\' was shaking, a bewitched expression on his face and beads of sweat standing out on his forehead.

\"Save it for Lust, big guy. Just remember all of that.\" Greed said, flapping a hand in a motion to shoo him off. Gluttony just sat there, then got up and began walking away stiffly. He looked even more unfocused than usual, and that caused the other homunculus to take off his glasses and frown. Polishing the dark-lensed spectacles on the fluffy part of his vest, Greed tried not to think about what just happened. Hopefully it was all just a nightmare, and he would return to enjoying paddling Envy in a few seconds.

About an hour later, Lust was distractedly sitting on a windowsill on an upper-story window and watching the sun set over the horizon of the city. The smog from all the buildings made it even more stunning than a sunset in the countryside. Even though it was indeed beautiful, there was no smile on her face, no indication she was admiring the view. The sound of heavy footsteps, those she had become accustomed to as Gluttony\'s, made her prick up her ears and turn her head to observe the doorway out of the corner of her eye. She had been correct--her most frequent partner in crime was standing there, looking for some reason embarrassed. In his hands was a thin but wide box covered in gold foil (no doubt faux, but it looked smooth and convincing), and the black ribbon on it caused a frown to mar her perfectly dark lips.

\"Lust... I got you a present...\" Gluttony muttered, edging over to the windowsill. The female homunculus whirled around and set her feet back on the floor, standing up and practically looming over him now.

\"What is it?\" Lust asked, her tone obviously cynical. For a moment the chubby homunculus said nothing, and just scuffed his foot on the floor.

\"It\'s chocolate...\" He said quietly. This gave her a bit of a surprise; any food in Gluttony\'s possession would vanish down his gullet in a matter of seconds, no matter what it was covered in. At least, it usually did. Taking a chance, Lust went forward and held out one hand for the box, and smirked as it was handed to her without question. She expected it to be empty at least, as edible objects were just not something Gluttony could carry around for very long. When she opened it, the shock of having all those perfect little chocolate seashells nestled in their wrappers, perfectly intact, showed on her face.

\"You like them? I wanted to eat them so badly... But they\'re for you.\" The male homunculus said, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and causing the floor to creak under him. Lust picked one up, narrowing her eyes while inspecting it, then put the edge of it into her mouth. As caramel oozed out from the bite in the chocolate, she nearly spat it out before reasoning to herself that she had to finish it. Extreme shock was no excuse to be rude... At least to Gluttony, who apparently was torturing himself by watching her eat that one seashell. Lust popped the rest of the candy into her mouth, chewed, and swallowed before talking.

\"Thank you.. I suppose...\" She said, looking down into the box doubtfully. Already she was wondering if any of them had buttercream filling, a confection she vaguely remembered from her human life.

\"Greed was right!\" Gluttony\'s outburst made her look up, a bit surprised. \"Now can I show you the rest?\"
Lust just stared in horror as Gluttony started walking towards her, a wide grin on his face. Oh, shit...

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Author\'s Note, Cont. : Not sure if I should continue this... I\'ve been rather preoccupied with school recently, which is the cause of my inactivity. If you wanna see a lemon, go ahead and say so. If not, I\'ll leave it at that. Thanks for reading!