Feel Me, Shame Me, Heal Me

Disclaimer: What makes you think I could possibly own this? Just where are you getting your information? honestly!

Summary: Winry determined to find the Elric brothers, headed to Central. Life is definitely full of surprises, and she certainly didn’t expect this one.

A/N: As a huge fan of alternate pairings, I decided to try my hand at this one. Yes it’s a Fullmetal Alchemist- Roy x Winry pairing. There aren’t many of these around because it’s not an easy pairing to write. The timeline isn’t specific, it’s just somewhere between the start of the series and before the movie. It’s not an AU fic, even though the pairing is alternate.

This beginning chapter and the very end chapter will be the only ones written in first person. I much prefer narrative myself, but the prologue and end is just begging for first person.



If you’re interested in pre-ordering a copy of my first two novels in my original series, email me. You can find my email address in the bio page of this fanfiction site. Or just friend me on myspace, which you can also get the link to in my bio page, and let me know you would like to purchase a copy.


Feel Me, Shame Me, Heal Me
Prologue

How did I get here? How did I get to this particular point in my life?

It was near two in the morning and here I am sitting on this window seat looking out as the rain beat down against the glass, with my legs pulled up to my chest, just staring.

I rested my chin on my knees.

Why can’t I walk away? Why can’t I say no? What’s the matter with me? I always come back. I don’t want to come back, right? I want to stay away… but then I don’t. It’s like I have no control over myself. Why don’t I have any control over my actions?

What would Ed or Al say if they could see me now? I don’t even know where they are. I’m a little closer to finding them than I was half a year ago. But that is meaningless at the moment. Sure, Ed sends me a letter every now and then, but by the time I get it, the Elric brothers have already moved onto the next place. Ed hasn’t even returned to me for repairs yet. What if he’s dead?

I’m sure my face paled at that last thought.

I realize that I don’t want Ed to see me like this. I don’t want him to know what I’ve been up to. I am ashamed of myself in every possible way, but that doesn’t matter because no matter what, I always return to ‘this’. What is this exactly? I am afraid to even give it a name in my thoughts. Maybe, I will feel less dirty if I do not name what this is, what I am doing. I am only fifteen years old, someone my age shouldn’t be thinking about this, shouldn’t even be living this kind of arrangement. No, that’s wrong… it’s not really an arrangement. And somewhere along the line, things changed… drastically. It’s— I hear shifting behind me and I stiffen. When all grows quiet again, only then do I relax.

Six months ago I left my home in the Resembool, for the hustle and bustle of Central City. I came here searching for any information I could get on Ed and Al. I was so determined to follow them to the ends of the Earth, if only I could get a lead on where they were. I knew it might take some time so I rented out a small flat. My flat wasn’t in a bad location, the area is actually pretty nice. The rent was low because sometimes the heat tended to conk out from time to time and cold water would all of a sudden run red hot.

My automail skills definitely come in handy in a big city like this. I do have some competitors, I don’t think they like me much. I am practically an expert in my craft. Personally, I think they are just jealous.

A flash of lightning brightened up the dark rainy sky for a moment. I usually like the rain, but not lightening or thunder. But even nature couldn’t frighten me these days. I have been through too much to let storms affect me anymore.

Hands come down on my shoulders and I jump slightly, having been startled as I heard no movement behind me. Do I really want to be here, like this? Part of me wants to shrug out from the touch, but the grip tightens obviously with no intention of release. It’s not hard for me to realize that I don’t want to move away.

I should be used to this by now, but there are times when it feels brand new and I get worried and afraid. This was currently one of those times. My fear should not be attacking me right now, that should be in the past.

Fingers soft and gentle slide up the back of my neck and thread through my long blonde hair, massaging my scalp and I close my eyes to the soft touches. Those fingers are very skillful and they seem to melt me completely at times, that it really scares me. It always has. This is completely inappropriate, and I know it is. It has been since ‘this’ started. For one the owner of those very fingers, those teasing hands is far too old for me, and I know I am too young for him. I wonder if this is even legal. Plus, there’s the fact that I am supposed to hate him until the day I die. Why don’t I hate him anymore? A deep part of me knows the answer to that, but I don’t want to acknowledge it, not now.

“Don’t think about it.” He tells me in a voice as smooth and rich as dark chocolate. I feel lightheaded at just the sound of that voice of his. He sits down behind me and wraps one hand around my hip.

‘I should leave now.’ I think to myself, but make no move to get up. He really has no idea of what I am really thinking about.

“Are you coming back to bed, you know you want to.” Is his smug reply and I tilt my face, my eyes shifting towards the floor. I don’t want to move but then I remember, I hated him, especially when he lowers his face, his lips touch my shoulder and his hands start stroking my hips and glide over my belly. My heart starts to race…

How did I get here? How did I get to this particular point in my life?

Why do I, Winry Rockbell, let this… this person I’m supposed to hate? This person Ed hates… this person, Roy Mustang, dark and brooding… touch me?

I need to go back, back to when this all started to figure out my head and where I lost it somewhere along the way in my desperate need to find Ed and Al. I need to find out just what happened.

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This is the redo. I’m re-editing all these chapters. So I hope you can tell the difference now.

If you’re interested in pre-ordering a copy of my first two novels in my original series, email me. You can find my email address in the bio page of this fanfiction site. Or just friend me on myspace, which you can also get the link to in my bio page, and let me know you would like to purchase a copy.

Thanks for reading
Ryoko Blue