Nascentes Morimur

Title: Nascentes Morimur
Author: Gemini Elf 16

Hi, this is my very first Gundam Wing fic. And I'm oh so excited about writing this one! My knowledge on Gundam Wing isn't so good. I have seen all the episodes...but sometimes it's kinda hard to understand what's going on. So please point out any errors, concerning the characters' pasts and/or the war, that you see, and I will do my best to correct them.

Although other characters do make appearances, the main character in this story is Heero. I dedicate this fic, to a special friend of mine (you know who you are!) and I hope that all those who read this story enjoy it too. This was suppossed to be a one shot, but now I think that I will continue it. If anybody out there, has any thoughts or veiws then please feel free to tell me. Any type of feedback is welcome and flames will be passed on and shoved down the throat of Maximillion Pegasus! Lol.

The title of this fic: "Nascentes Morimur" is in latin and it literally translates as - "From the moment of birth, we begin to die". The rating of this fic will be quite high - due to Heero's craziness! I apologise for the metaphorical/metaphyisical crap which all my stories seem to be full of. This story isn't planned. So there isn't a proper summary. It's just pure Heero angst!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. There! I'm not doing this for every bloody chapter!

If I haven't already bored you senseless and you are still with me, then please read on :-)

Nascentes Morimur

Chapter One: Death Comes Back.

Even though the war had ended, the world remained a dark place. The horrors of such destruction could not be forgotten so easily, even though no mobile suits or gundams exsisted anymore. The world lived in peace at last, although it did not look it. You just had to look into peoples' eyes. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul.

If you looked into someone's eyes, you would have seen the fear and pain that burned within them. The world and it's inhabitants lived in constant fear, a fear of another war breaking out, a fear of losing their loved ones, a fear of losing themselves. Lives were being lived cautiously, almost silently. Nobody, not even the bravest of people wanted to upset the delicate air that surrounded them. One wrong move and all would be shattered. The peaceful facade would fall and war would erupt.

It was a quiet night in Tokyo. A little past 3:35am, not much was moving outside his window. The great city seemed still, sleeping, dead. Only a few cars whizzed down the normally busy roads, every few hours or so. Not a soul could be seen on the streets outside either. It was eerie, almost unnatural. The young man sitting by his window liked the change though. He liked the quiteness. It was so hard to find peace and quite in a city, as large as this. He liked sitting by the open window, feeling the cool breeze blowing in from the bay, upon his face.

He liked being alone with his thoughts and retreating deep into his soul away from the harsh realities of the world. He almost prided himself upon it. Even in the midst of war and chaos he could hide within himself, find comfort and serenity within his own mind, his own heart, his own soul. His silence acted like a barricade and it protected him, and unknown to everybody who knew him, he took great comfort in that silence.

However, there were rare nights, when it all got a little bit too much. When the silence wasn't comforting anymore, it was suffocating. When his mind refused to be still and his heart beat wildly, as if some kind of wild creature was trapped deep within him, just waiting to get out and cause havoc. It was on those nights that he felt like screaming his rage up into the Heavens and crying in the rain. It was on those nights that he felt so helpless and vunerable...and so very out of control.

Looking up into the midnight blue sky, Heero Yuy smiled softly. It was something that he never did in the presence of others. He had always been taught that showing emotion was a sign of weakness. His 'mentor' had drilled it into his head at a very young age. However, Heero was human, and although he experienced every emotion from hysteria to rage, he would never, ever display it in public.

Heero was good at hiding his feelings. He was good, almost perfect at pretending that he didn't care in the presence of others. It was only when he was truly alone, that he would lower his defences, that he would break down completely. Break down, and weep, and scream, and laugh, and swear. God, if only his mentor could see him now. He'd probably be rolling in his grave! Heero smirked humuorlessly at that thought. He could almost hear his mentor, the one who had trained him for war, scolding him, telling him that he shouldn't be so weak by giving in to his emotions, even when he was alone. Even when there was nobody there watching.

Shaking his head, as if to will away the memories of his past, Heero slowly got up off the windowsill and walked over to his bed, flopping down upon it. He glanced around at the small apartment that he rented. He felt so alone. He felt as if he had always been alone. Even during the war, when he was fighting alongside the other Gundam pilots. He never really belonged with them. He just didn't seem to fit in. Heero liked them though. They were the closest thing to a family he had ever had. They had looked out for him. They had cared. But when the war ended, they had all gone their seperate ways. Heero missed them, though he'd be damned if he ever told them that.

Curling up onto his side, Heero tried to stop the tears from falling. He knew that he was on the edge of breaking. It was only a matter of time before he broke down completely. Even though, he had endured endless days of battle and war, he was still a fragile man at heart. Breathing deeply, in an attempt to calm himself down, Heero closed his dark blue eyes. He opened them almost immediately, when he saw the faces of the people, whose lives he had taken in the war. They were staring at him, not hatefully, but sadly. Their vacant eyes penetrating his heart like nails, piercing his very being. They always came to him when he felt the most lonliest, the most saddest. It was as if they were punishing him for all his wrong deeds.

I only did what I had to do! Heero grabbed the blanket, ducking his head underneath it, in a child like way. It was my misson, God damnit!

He tried closing his eyes again, but they were still there. They wouldn't leave. They refused to leave. How had such a good night turned so bad? Heero had been happy before, just enjoying the silence. But somehow, that silence had twisted itself around into someting more, something darker. It had wound itself around Heero's heart, injecting him with sudden saddness. The people were still there.

The dead people, Heero called them, because that's what they were: Dead. Dead by his own hands. Staring at his hands, in a horrified mannar, Heero desperately wiped them on the blanket. So dirty. He felt he was dirty. Even after all this time, he still felt that the blood of all those he had killed, was upon his hands...and that it would forever be, no matter what he did.

Guilt wracking throughout his body, Heero got up, unable to keep still any longer. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, because the second he did, they would be waiting for him. The dead people would take him into some horrific nightmare, clinging to him like poisen ivy, infecting him, pulling away at the last threads of his sanity.

Wanting to take a few painkillers for his sudden headache, Heero slowly walked into the bathroom, and opened the medicine cabinet. Retrieveing the box of pills, Heero slid the door of the cabinet back into place, he gasped at his reflection. What he saw in the mirror made his blood turn cold. The face staring back at him was so sad. So very sad. But that wasn't what had scared him...

It was the fact that, it wasn't his own face that stared back at him. It was the face of a young girl. Probably no older than about seven or eight years of age. Heero remembered her, even after all this time. He would never forger her, ever. Her face had been burned into his memory. Her once sparkling eyes looked lifeless, her face pale. It was the girl who he had inadvertedly killed during the war. She had offered him a flower and had shown him kindness, and what did he give her in return? Death. He could still he her voice clearly. He could still remember the exact words spoken between them.

"Hi there. Are you lost?"

"I've been lost ever since the day I was born".

"Oh, that's so sad".

He stared into her eyes, unnable to look away. Her eyes...there was something about her eyes, that pulled Heero in. It seemed as if they were slowly changing. Yes, they were. Changing ever so slowly. The dead girl's gaze turned from vacant into accusing. Her innocent face contorted into pain taking on an almost demonic look. Heero stumbled back, still staring dumbly at the mirror. God, what was happening? The girl in the mirror smiled horribly, almost as if she was enjoying the look of shock and fear, that she had caused on the ex soilder's face.

"Leave me alone!" Heero shouted, suddenly unable to look at the awful sight any longer. "Just leave me alone! I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean for - " Heero whirled around, when he felt something cold touch his bare shoulder.

There was nothing there, but...he could have sworn that he had felt a cold hand softly touch him. Heart thumping, Heero turned back to face the mirrior, but she was gone and all he was looking at was his own terrified face. His hair was a mess and damp with sweat and his eyes had taken on a distraught look. Breathing heavily, Heero rested his hands on the sink. His eyes slipped closed, but this time there were no dead faces peering back at him. Maybe he could rest for a while now.

Walking over tiredly, towards the small kitchen, Heero filled a glass up with water and swallowed two painkillers. His head was throbbing by now and all he wanted was to get some sleep. After draining the glass, Heero splashed cold water on his face. Shivering slightly, he walked languidly over to his bed and lay down upon it, closing his eyes. The dead people weren't there and the darkness felt so comforting. Just as he slowly felt himself drift off to sleep, he was jarred awake by his phone ringing.

Grumbling, he wearily pulled himself up into a siting position, not bothering to hurry up and answer the phone. Heero glanced at the clock, it read 4:57am. Who could be calling him at this time anyway? He hardly ever got phone calls. Climbing up off the bed, Heero slowly made his way over to the coffee table, where his phone lay. The ringing was starting to get on his frayed nerves, so he quickened his pace. Unfortunately though, he hadn't bothered to turn on the light, and cursed himself for it, when he accidentally banged his knee on the table.

Swearing, he picked up the phone, and answered savagely. "Well? What is it?"

There was something wrong with the line. It was crackly and full of static and when the voice spoke, it sounded very far away, as if somebody was calling him long distance or through a very bad connection.

"Why did you kill me?"

Heero shook his head, confused. "What? Who are you? What are you talking - "

The small voice cut him off. "I said, why did you kill me?"

Straining his ears, Heero answerered, "I don't understand. You have the wrong number."

Heero's eyes widened as it suddenly dawned on him as to who the other person actually was. The voice on the other end of the line laughed. "No. It's you who I want. I was nice to you - "

"Shut up!" No, it can't be!

" - but you killed me". The voice carried on sadly.

"Go away!" Not her! Not her!

"Why Heero?"

"I said GO AWAY!" I'm losing it! I'm losing my damn mind!

The static on the line was getting worse. "Why did you kill me?"

"Please". Heero whispered, brokenly. "Just leave me alone".

"I liked you, Heero...but you killed me". There was a small laugh on the phone. "But that shouldn't stop me from visiting you again, should it?"

"WHAT?" Please! Oh, God!

"Can I come and see you, Heero. It's cold where I am and - "

"No. NO. GO AWAY!" Screaming, Heero flung the phone across the room. Diving back into his bed, he tried desperately to stop himself from shaking. Willing his mind to slow down and think logically, Heero tried to sort out his thoughts. It couldn't have been that little girl. She couldn't have called him. The dead don't use the telephone. No, they only try to possess you, Heero's mind added morbidly. He couldn't help but shiver at that thought. God, what the Hell was going on?

Somebody was playing a prank on him. That had to be it. Yeah, it was probably some junior school punk pulling a stupid prank. In the back of his mind, he knew that the explanation that he had come up with was a complete and utter bullshit. Who would know so much about his past? Nobody knew what had happened with that little girl. Nobody knew that it had been Heero's fault that she died. Heero let himself believe his theory: It had to be a prank! But deep in the far corners of his mind, he could still hear the whispered, 'There is something more going on'.

It wasn't long before Heero fell into a dreamless dark sleep. Tossing and turning at every few minutes or so. He was startled awake after a few hours, by the thought that someone or something was touching him again. Someone was touching his arm with very cold fingers. He looked down but nothing was there. Maybe it had been the cool breeze? Gazing at the still open window, he saw that the sun was shining down upon Tokyo.

Heero had been thankful that he hadn't had any nightmares. He wanted to get some more sleep, but try as he might he just wasn't able to. Sighing, he got up, gasping as he felt pain shoot up through him. His whole body felt sore. Untangling himself from the blanket, he walked into the bathroom to take a shower. He was relieved to see that there were no more faces staring back at him from the mirror this time.

Discarding his few clothes and steping into the hot shower, Heero thought back to last night. Had that phone call been a dream? When he had gotten up, the phone had been lying on the floor, against the far wall of his apartment. He felt certain that he threw the phone last night...but the girl? Heero shook his head. It was a prank, damnit! The face in the mirror had all been due to his over tired mind. It had been nothing. Nothing was there. It was Heero's own mind playing tricks on him. Heero was amused at how he could simply blame everything on his over active imagination. He had been scared last night, but now, none of it seemed frightening at all in the cold light of day. In the comforting light of day.

Heero knew he needed help. He needed someone there with him. Someone who would understand and stop him from acting crazy or irrational. He needed company. Someone who could offer him guidance. Someone who could look deep within him and truly see what's there. Not an unemotional, robotic soilder, but a broken young man. His soul had been torn and now there was a gaping hole in his heart. Heero hoped that he could find somebody or something to fix it and soon, because he felt as if he couldn't hold on much longer.

Drying himself wearily, Heero walked back into his room. Pulling on some clothes, he couldn't help but think of the many lives he had wasted. He couldn't help thinking about all those people, whom he had pushed away. Trowa, Relena, Duo, Quatre, Wufei...they had all tried to get through to him, but he had pushed them all away. His missons had always come first. He had no time for friendships. Maybe, just maybe, if he had gotten to know one of them, if he had spent a few minutes talking to one of them each day, he wouldn't be alone right now.

Turning to face his bed, Heero was shocked still by what he saw lying upon it. It hadn't been there before. It hadn't been there before! So where the Hell did it come from? Nobody else lived with him, he was all alone, so nobody else could have put it there. And his front door was locked. So where the Hell did it come from? Lying neatly on top of his pillow was a pale pink flower. It looked exactly like the flower that the little girl had offered him. What the fuck! How did it get there?

Heero stepped forward and reached out for it, cautiously. He gingerly touched the soft petals. It was real, alright. Heero had hoped that he had been seeing things, but unfortunaely, the flower felt more than real under his touch. Just as he was about to pick it up, the phone rang shrilly, behind him. Jumping violently, Heero turned around, staring straight at the phone that was lying on the floor, with wide eyes.

Even though, he had made himself think that the phone call had been nothing but a prank, he threw all logic and reason out the window. What if it was the dead girl? What if she wanted to get some sort of revenge? Heero couldn't get rid of the morbid thoughts that were currently running through his head. The phone was still ringing, wailing insistently, waiting to be picked up. Unable to stand the sound any longer, Heero raced over towards it and picked it up. This time, however, there was no static on the phone line.

"Hello?" Heero answered cautiously.

A familiar voice laughed on the other end of the line, before replying, "Hey bud', how are ya? Been kinda worried about ya."

"Duo?" Heero couldn't believe his ears! Was it really Duo?

"Yeah". There was another laugh. "Who else would it be?"

"Duo. Duo, it's really you?" Heero hated himself for sounding the way he did, but he couldn't help himself. He felt so happy, so grateful to be talking to someone. Someone living, someone not...dead.

"Are you feelin' alright, man?" Duo sounded worried. This was not the Heero he knew. Duo shrugged, maybe Heero was just coming down with something.

"Er...yeah. Yeah, I'm okay". Feeling himself go red, Heero cursed silently. He was acting like an idiot.

"So, I'm in town". Duo carried on cheerfully. "Fancy hanging out?"

End of Chapter One.

Gah, what the Hell was going on there? Poor Heero, I do feel bad about making him suffer, but isn't it more fun this way? Like I said before, if there are any mistakes, then just let me know. I don't bite!

I hoped you enjoyed this and the next chapter will be posted up soon. Thanks for reading!