Poor Little Fool

The Wedding March


Disclaimer: FMA is the property of Hiromu Arakawa,not me. But I do own any OCs I create in the writing of this story.

Summary: post movie. Ed and Al have successfully dealt with the Wayward Nuclear Bomb, but with no way home, they have moved on to making new lives for themselves in this foreign world. Using false identity papers, they have secured teaching positions at Hampden Welles College, a private college in the small town of the same name which is located in on the upper Thames River. Alphonse has fallen in love with Sally Armstrong, daughter of the local squire (a totally different person, NOT the alter of Alex Louis Armstrong!) and the story begins on the morning of the day of their wedding, in early July, 1934.

Warning: rated M for sex, beastiality (um, forgot to add that), "earthy" launguage (mostly from Ed), and abuse of popular romance novels. Also pairings of AlxOC, and EdxOC. This story is not a Mary Sue because neither woman resembles me in the slightest.
Beta: Serenanna
Author's note: I started writing this nearly a year ago and I've gotten five chapters done and am working on chapter six. Some of you might be put off by the "chopped up" way this chapter is written. My beta thought it needed to be re-done, but this is the way it came out of my head, and I can't see any other way around it.


Edward's alarm went off at 7 am sharp; but since it was Saturday, he shut it off, before rolling over and going back to sleep. Half an hour later, his little brother found him curled in a fetal position, buried to his ears under the blankets, with one pillow over his head. Al sighed in exasperation. Just like when we were young, Brother didn't like to get up early for - for anything! He yanked off the blankets and tugged away the pillow, before shaking Edward by his right shoulder.

"Brother! Time to get up!"

mmnnhhhhh. Go 'way. Lemme sleep!

A hand shook Edward's shoulder again "Wakey, wakey, brother!"

Shake me just ONCE more, Alphonse!

"Bro - therrr!" Alphonse whines into his ear because it's 7:30 now, Edward has to shave, shower, and eat breakfast before they head for the chapel on the grounds of Hampden House. The wedding is set for 10 a.m. - SHARP, and the squire won't be pleased if his soon to be son-in-law is late for his own marriage. "You're my best man, what sort of example are you setting to your students?"

Edward's eyes snap open to his scowling brother bending over him.. "Al, you fight dirty, you know that?"

Al's severe expression alters not a whit. "You know, Al, if you keep making a face like that, it'll freeze into that position." Alphonse bends down closer, his large chocolate brown eyes boring disapproval at Edward's sleepy golden gaze.

"Ohhhh - all right. I'll get up - but only for you." Al sighs in relief and briefly takes his attention off Edward's suddenly mischievous smile. A mistake. Edward turns over and abruptly claps both hands on either side of Al's face, just before he pulls him close - and kisses him full on the lips. Al jerks back, sputtering in mock outrage, but he is relieved by Edward's grin, it means he's in a good mood.

Alphonse still doesn't trust Edward, and he stands guard until his older brother is actually up on his feet. The minute he were to turn my back, it would be just like Brother to fall back into a deep sleep. And hee has known Edward to sleep until late afternoon on Saturdays. "C'mon sleepyhead, take your shower and shave - be extra careful - your face can't be seen decorated with bits of toilet paper."

He heads out of Edward's room and down the hall, talking all the while. "I'll fix your breakfast, and your coffee, the paper is here." He doesn't look behind him, but he can hear Edward shuffling behind him, yawning and stretching, still half asleep.

Alphonse turns around just in time to see his brother, Professor Edward Elric, mouth open in a huge, jaw-cracking yawn, idly scratching his balls through the material of his blue boxers. Al blushes for no reason at all, but maybe he's doing it on behalf of Sally. After the honeymoon, they would all live together in this house - it was certainly large enough for all of them to live comfortably - but he hoped she would never be exposed to a sight like this. After living with only his little brother to see for the past few years, Edward has become rather blase about wandering about half- dressed; sometimes totally undressed. In the hot stickiness of summer, Edward woud sleep in the nude, and when awake, he tended to pad about the house naked as the day he was born.

He stumbles into the bathroom, eyes still half plastered shut with sleep, and sheds his boxers. Alphonse has laid towels, and a washcloth out, along with his razor and a mug of shaving cream. After turning on the water, Edward tests it with his left hand - nice and warm. He gets into the enclosure and carefully pulls the curtain shut before standing there with eyes closed, letting the water sluice down his chest. Ahhh, this feels good, I could go to sleep right - "YIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

As the first profanity from Edward's lips floats down the stairway to the kitchen, Alphonse stands there and lets the tip of his tongue slip out of his mouth, which is curved in an evil grin. He chuckles while fiddling with the coffee press - Brother prefers his coffee darker and stronger than Al likes it - so he makes Edward's coffee seperately. Another scream laced with four-letter words issues from the bathroom and Al chuckles again. He suspected Brother might actually fall asleep while in the shower, so he took pre-emptive action by using up almost all the hot water for his shower. The filled kettle begins to whistle on the stove, Brother will need hot water to shave with, and Alphonse isn't completely mean. I'm just being cruel to be kind, he rationalizes.

The freezing cold water ensures Edward doesn't dilly-dally, and he finishes his shower in record time. Shivering so hard his teeth chatter, he reaches out past the curtain and grabs a towel, then bends over and blots excess water out of his hair before wrapping it up. Edward takes extra care with shaking the water out of his prosthetic limbs and drying them off thoroughly. Any water left in there would cause rust to form, which meant his metal arm or leg would squeak embarassingly - or even freeze into immobility. He roughly dries the rest of himself, rubbing extra hard to bring the circulation back into his frigid flesh. Once mostly dry, Edward grabs his discarded clothing and pads naked, back to his bedroom.

He had laid his clothes out the night before, charcoal pin-striped pants, black morning jacket, snowy white shirt, pale yellow waistcoat and tie, and black silk trouser socks. All brand new, except for his black shoes, which he has shone to a miror finish. For anyone else, Edward wouldn't have put out a fraction of the effort, but this was for Alphonse's wedding. So despite the annoyance of having to get up at an ungodly early hour for a Saturday, despite the pain of having to shower in frigid water (which he half suspected Alphonse of engineering on purpose), and then despite dressing in this ridiculous outfit, he did it all out of love for his little brother.

Edward pulls open a dresser drawer and selects a pair of black boxers of a silky brushed cotton. Really nice underclothing was an indulgence, which he usually couldn't afford on the salary of a professor at a small private college, but he considered it necessary for a special day like this. He reached in among the small array of bottles on top of the dresser and picked up a pot of deodorant cream, uncrewed the cap and dipped a small amount onto his fingers before rubbing them into each armpit. The day was likely to get hot later, and the reception hall would probably be stuffy, so it wouldn't do to stink in front of the ladies.

Another small indulgence was a little bottle of cologne. It smelled woodsy and musky,the salesgirl at the store in London assured him "it's extremely masculine". Most people in the town had this strange idea he was gay - mostly due to his long hair - but also because he tended to walk away from most conflict,unless he couldn't avoid fighting. Those who pushed Edward Elric into a corner and forced him to get physical always learned to regret it. What they didn't realize was Edward was not only straight, he also had an active sex life. Until recently he had been having an affair with the lonely - and betrayed wife of an East India Company executive.
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Claire Travers hadn't targeted Edward specifically, she just, as the saying goes, ran into him - literally - while walking home fast with her day's shopping. A letter from a former neighbor she'd received a few weeks ago had informed her what her Sam was up to in Hong Kong, and she was still in a fog about it. Suddenly, she was sitting, dazed, and splay legged on the ground, barely hearing a deep, pleasant voice aplogize for knocking her down. Her purchases were rolling every which way, and she began grabbing at them, and just tossing them into a carrier bag. Claire imagined the entire town knew her husband was cheating on her, and laughing at her behind her back. The owner of the voice was also reaching for and picking up her things, but she didn't look at him, she couldn't look. She just wanted to get home, behind drawn curtains, and stew in her misery.

Until the moment they both reached for a can of peas at the same time, she was a fraction of a second faster than he was. She had just touched the can, when her hand was covered by a gloved male hand, and her heart skipped a beat. Claire looked up into a handsome face, which was mostly obscured by unruly blond bangs, and she blushed furiously. This had to be Edward Elric, Professor of Physics at the college. She hadn't met him before, but the town grapevine was full of talk about him - and his brother - but mostly about him. His unfashionably long hair, the unusual color of his eyes, and the fact he was never seen without gloves on led to the somewhat crude speculation he might be a fag.

Now he was holding one hand out to her, and without hesitation, Claire took it and allowed him to help her to her feet. He's very strong, she thought, certainly not limp-wristed. His speech was also strong, with good diction, but he had an odd accent she couldn't identify. Maybe that accent was part of the reason people thought he was gay, for he obviously didn't lisp, like in the stereotype. He offered to escort her to the doctor's office, in case she had suffered some injury, but Claire refused, she felt fine - except for the sped up beat of her heart. When he offered to carry her bags for her, well, she accepted that offer, but her palms inside her white kid gloves felt slick with sweat.

Like any proper gentleman, Edward stopped at her front door and handed her shopping to her maid, Sissy. He would not presume to enter the home of a married lady, so when she thanked him for his help, he merely smiled, bowed his head, and backed away a few paces before turning and retracing his steps back towards town. Sissy smiled knowingly at Claire after she closed the door, "They're all wrong about the professor, ma'am, he's not gay, he's SHY!"

Claire gave Sissy a mock scowl, the pert little baggage had never learned her place, and her name really should be Sassy. But the little maid was remarkably astute about human nature. Claire knew what had happened outside the shops would be all over before nightfall, so she was glad he'd shown such nice manners. She began to feel a bit better - maybe Sam's betrayal wasn't the end of the world after all.
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If only she'd known the 'nice manners' Edward had shown her were the exception rather than the rule. In the classroom, he was exceptionally rude to his students. Going on the assumption his predecessor, kindly old Professor Barley had been coddling them with easy 'open book' tests and condonement of cheating, Edward stormed into the classroom on his first day of work and immediately made his name as a taskmaster when he popped a surprise quiz on them within the first ten minutes. When he caught Morris O'Hanrahan cheating on a the first official test (no open books this time!) Edward gave them, he ordered the boy to leave the classroom at once. But when O'Hanrahan, 18 years old, tall ( just over 6 feet) amd muscular, not only refused, but threatened to thump him, Edward was immediately in the pugnacious boy's face.

It looked like a mismatch from the start, Morris had a full four inches on his bespectacled and rather weedy looking professor. So great was the astonishment when a right hook from Morris not only failed to connect - but the boy suddenly found himself sailing through the air before landing hard on his back, winded. His humiliation didn't end there because Professor Elric somehow had the strength to pick up Morri's 225 pounds and give him the 'bum's rush' out the door, where he sprawled, undignified in the middle of the hallway. Edward walked slowly back to his desk at the front of the classroom and stood there for a moment, hands crossed behind his back,while he stared down his students one by one. When he suddenly snarled, "Does anyone else have a problem with the way I handle cheaters?!", every head bent back to the test paper before it, and frantic scribbling could be heard.

When the bell rang, they fled in relief from this tough little gamecock of a teacher. But great was their trauma when upon filing into the chemistry lab, they were faced with another Professor Elric. Alphonse looked a great deal tougher than Edward - he was nearly a foot taller, with broad shoulders and dark brown eyes which looked at each face with a direct gaze. But looks were deceiving, Alphonse was far gentler inside. He didn't shout, or berate when a student made a mistake, but quietly corrected their error. Yet that didn't make him a cream puff. O'Hanrahan tried to pull the same shenanigans, and make the same threat, and he got the same result. He went sailing through the air in the same ungraceful arc. But instead of kicking him out, Alphonse gave the boy the option of staying if he mended his ways. But Morris had had enough of Elrics, and he marched out, his back straight with anger.

He quit college that same day, and was moved out of his residence hall within the week. His father was furious, and publicly accosted, and threatened Edward with a horse whip the day Morris left. Edward just sneered at him before whirling on one heel and walking away, his thick ponytail waving back and forth. Morris's father cracked the whip once over Edward's right shoulder, and the younger man flinched. He then cracked the whip over the professor's left shoulder, but Edward failed to react to that provocation. But he did briefly stop, and look over his shoulder at the man to shoot him a vicious glare. The whip was snaking it's way towards Edward's nose when his right hand shot out and caught it in mid snap.

O'Hanrahan pere smiled in an ugly sort of way. He had nearly a foot - and 150 or so pounds on Edward, so he yanked back on his end, expecting to see this ill-bred upstart sprawled on the ground at his feet. Great was his surprise when he found himself whirling backwards to land winded on the ground next to Professor Elric's neatly shod feet. Once he got his breath back, he tried to tug on his end of the whip again - but it was gone. Edward stood glaring down at him, with the nearly six feet length of the whip wrapped around his right hand. He hefted it in a mock salute and growled "My first souvenir" before turning on his heel again and walking away. O'Hanrahan briefly thought of charging Edward and jumping him from behind, until he heard nervous tittering and he looked up to see nearly the entire student body of Hampden Welles College staring at him: from the footpaths through the pleasant grounds, sitting on benches scattered about the front lawn, or from classroom windows. Feeling he'd embarassed himself enough for one day, plus lost the horse whip,which was a family heirloom,he clambered ungainly to his feet. Then he bulled his way past the students,some of whom were openly laughing at him, to his car. He never came back.
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The horse whip hung coiled on a nail in the wall next to Edward's dressing table now, along with some other objects disgruntled former students (or their outraged fathers) had attempted to assault him with in the three years since his memorable first week at college. Most students either hated or feared him, but a few respected him for challenging their intellect. It was Edward's habit to greet each new class with this statement: "After today, some of you will think I'm too mean, but believe me when I say I'm a cream puff compared to what is waiting for you outside these walls. Since the real world certainly won't coddle you, I'm not going to either. If you can make it through this course, you will be prepared for almost anything."

Amazingly, nearly all the students he'd started out with last August were still with him by May, but a quarter of them weren't going to pass. Now it was the first week of July, and Edward was individually tutoring those failing students. Perhaps 98% of them were trying very hard to bring up their grade so they would get a passing mark for the year, but the remaining 2%...

He'd had a very trying Friday morning telling that lot they should stop wasting their parent's money and his time and just drop out of college. The boys would get very red-faced and either angrily stomp out of his office, or leap to their feet and loom over him (as if they could scare Edward ) while shouting obscenities and/or threats. The girls tended to burst into tears (er, one boy did that, actually) and rush out weeping loudly, but a few tried the obscenities/threats route. Not that it changed his mind any.

But there was one girl, Lola - yes, that was her name - who did something so completely unexpected, it caught even Edward by surprise. Briefly. She sashayed into his office, reeking of perfume, all made up with great lashings of powder, lipstick, and mascara, and wearing a low cut dress better suited to a seedy nightclub than the office of a college professor. She sat down, in the empty chair facing him, smiled in a way she thought was seductive, and crossed her legs at an angle to make it clear she wasn't wearing any underwear. When Edward told her she was probably going to flunk out of college, she kept smiling (but Edward noticed the smile stopped reaching her too heavily made up eyes), before she slowly stood up and swayed her way over to him.

She pouted and batted her eye lashes - obviously fake,plus one was coming loose, so it looked as if a spider was squatting on her face - and in a breathless, little-girl voice said, "Oh, please, Professor Elric, I'm the first of my family to go to university, they're counting on me! I'll do anything, simply ANYTHING to get my grades up!"

She reinforced this offer by running one hand over her chest (it was quite large) and emitting fake passionate gasps. Her other hand stroked the line of his tightening jaw before moving down to tug at the knot in his tie, and finally came to rest (Edward noticed her too long fingernails - probably a fake as well - were painted a far too garish shade of red) at his belt buckle. "ANYTHING" she repeated before biting her lower lip, the teeth making a furrow in the too heavy layer of paint on it. (he'd also noticed some of the lipstick was sticking to her teeth.).

Edward matched her phony smile with one of his own. "I take it you are offering me sexual favors in exchange for a passing grade?" Lola must have thought she'd hit the jackpot, because she suddenly plopped herself in Edward's lap and began to forcefully run her hands over his hard chest in a way she must have thought was erotic, but she was just actually wrinkling his shirt - and shredding his patience. When Professor Elric began to laugh at her, though, Lola stopped her massaging. Suddenly she began to feel very cold, and she tugged on the top of her dress,attempting to cover more of her bosom. When Edward suddenly stopped laughing, and turned a hard, merciless glare on her from those golden eyes of his, she knew she'd somehow miscalculated.

"You stupid little bitch!" his words flayed her alive, as if he was actually whipping her naked flesh with a set of metal tipped cat-o-nine-tails, "Did you really think I'd be interested in a cheap tumble with the campus slut?! "

Lola gasped in outrage, but he ignored her.

"I've got my sources and they say you've given the 'clap' to at least two dozen of the male students, and that's just the ones I've learned about. Now get off my lap,you are making me very cross."

Lola's face turned rather white, but she got off his lap with a clumsy (that dress really was too tight around the thighs) backward shuffle, before she stumbled backwards and fell, hard on her ample backside (she shouldn't have worn such high heels either). Edward's severe expression didn't even flicker, so she went to Plan B: tears. They just made her mascara run down her face, so she looked rather like a human/zebra chimera, and she compounded the problem by rubbing her eyes with her knuckles, and smearing her eyeshadow. Which now made her look like a human/zebra/raccoon chimera. But her tears failed to move him.

"You bastard!" she hissed. Ooohh, Plan C: anger.

Edward just shrugged. He didn't know if his parents were married or not when he was born, but he really didn't care. He'd found out just by chance about Lola's twin reputations, both as the campus whore, and as a source of unpleasant sexually transmitted diseases when overhearing two of his students jawing about her latest victim earlier that morning. He may have been sleeping with a married lady, but Claire was a mature woman, who knew how to keep a secret. Coeds, on the other hand, were silly, flighty, flirty and gossipy creatures. An affair with any one of them was doomed to be discovered, and it would cost him his job. Edward wasn't interested in Lola in the slightest, and besides, he could handle only one affair at a time.

"I also know your name is Madge, and not Lola, which is a pretty silly name anyways. So go home Madge, and find yourself a nice teashop to work in. You've failed my course, like you failed all your others for this year. You won't be advancing with your class, and I doubt you EVER will advance to the next grade level. So go home. And I suggest you don't come back in August." As he expected Madge-who-wanted-to-be-Lola wouldn't go gracefully into that good night, and she further wasted his time with a tirade of foul obscenities before whirling around (the effect ruined by her wobbling on her outrageously high heels), and storming out. Just before falling flat on her face when one heel broke.

"Oh, sod it!" she screamed before she pulled off the offending shoes and stomped through the classroom and out the door to a soundtrack of Professor Elric's mocking laughter.
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Edward came to his senses still looking at the horse whip mounted on his bedroom wall, and chuckling to himself. After slipping into a pair of linen drawstring pants, and an old shirt, he walked over to his bedside table and picked up a rectangular leather case. He opened it and pulled out a pair of wire-framed spectacles. Along with Hohenheim's eye color, he'd also inherited his father's nearsightedness. The world, and his alarm clock sprang into sharper focus after he put them on. Edward gasped when he saw the time - 8.10!

Time to stop woolgathering!

And right on cue, Alphonse's shout echoed up the stairs "Brother! Your breakfast is ready!"

Alphonse gaped at him after he'd come clattering down the steps and into the kitchen. "You're not dressed yet!? Why aren't you dressed?! You're going to make me late for my own wedding!!"

Alphonse was gesturing wildly, he was almost in tears and Edward briefly felt a pang of guilt. His little brother had gotten himself so stressed out over this, mostly because Sally was stressed out, and he felt everything she did. Alphonse was very sensitive, and Edward suspected when Sally eventually became pregnant, he would probably suffer through a 'sympathetic pregnancy' right along with her. He went up to Al and put two consoling hands on his shoulders.

"Al, I can't get dressed until I shave, but I can't shave until there is some hot water, which means I have to wait an hour until the water heater fills up again, but relax. We'll make it in time."

Alphonse gestured at the tea kettle. "Um, it's my fault the hot water got used up, so I heated some in the kettle for you. Now sit yourself down and eat your breakfast before it gets cold. Here's the Times to read.."

Alphonse quickly took another breath,"I know we'll make it, but I'm just so - nervous. Squire Armstrong is a very important man in this part of England, and he's footing the bill for the wedding. I don't want to embarass him."

Edward smiled fondly,and patted his little brother's cheek. "Everythng will turn out fine, Al, But it won't do for you to make yourself sick over this. Maybe you should lie down for a while and relax. Don't worry about falling asleep, I'll wake you up in time."

Alphonse's brown eyes narrowed with suspicion, but his mouth was also curving up with amusement at the thought of Edward actually remembering.