Unforseable changes

Part 3 -Revelations

I looked at the professor from where I sat perched upon the bed. After giving him some blood on arrival, I had had a twelve hour sleep with only around 8 of them being spent in a constant state of fear and nightmares, my body racked by an mildly uncomfortable, twisting pain. So I wasn't rested much, but at least I'd gotten something.
Anyway, while I had been asleep, Professor G had been running tests on my blood sample. Apparently those OZ bastards had spliced my DNA with that of a panther, and now my body was dealing with the change. That was why it had been uncomfortable last night. While my body was recuperating from the day and had nothing else to do, it was remaking itself.
"Your body is going to go through a lot of changes in the near future Duo." Professor G explained to me. "The pain at night is going to get more and more intense as the changing progresses. Eventually, it will stop completely, and then you'll know that your body has finished adjusting. In the mean time, you're just going to have to grin and bear it. Also, changing completely into your panther form hurts because your body hasn't remade itself enough to fit into the shape comfortably. The only way you're going to be able to mutate is to feel emotions so intense that it will break through your pain barriers, and then you'll change, regardless of whether you want to or not. And when you do change Duo, it's not going to be pretty. Breaking through the pain barrier doesn't mean that you won't actually *feel* the pain. In your animal form, you'll be completely focused on getting rid of the source of the pain, and that means anything in your near vacinity. Even if it's inanimate, even if it's your soul mate, even if it's your gundam, you'll attack it with the intent to kill. I don't know that for sure of course, but it's a pretty good certainty judging by what you told me of your escape." I stared at G, thinking frantically. No intense emotions? Was it just anger, or was it other things I had to watch out for? All that I could think of at the moment was how intense I felt when Heero was around. How intense my love for him was when I focused on it. Would these things trigger a change? And if they did, what would happen to Heero? It was then that the thought of Heero dying because I loved him too intensely was planted. I couldn't bear it if I killed Heero. If I lost control and hurt him in anyway, I could never forgive myself. This thought persued me all through the conversation, never letting my mind stray from it.
"From what I can tell from this new DNA, the panther you were spliced with, I still have no idea how it was done, was a genetically modified individual already. It would be approximately twice the size, and perhaps three times the muscle mass, of a normal panther. Also, the coat is much more water resistant and the eyesight and hearing ability has been increased. This won't make much of a difference when battling in your Gundam, but during infiltration missions, it should increase your advantage. Especially if you can maintain the half and half-"
"Man-beast" I interrupted absently, still thinking about the emotion intensity thing.
"What?" Asked Professor G, momentarily confused.
"The half and half state." I explained. "I call it 'man-beast' because that's what it feels like." Prof.G nodded and continued where he had left off.
"If you can maintain the man-beast state for long periods of time, it would give you an immense advantage during the mission. Faster, stronger, quicker, more alert." He shook his head wonderingly, "There's no end to what you could do. Missions that had previously been considered suicidal could now be successfully acheived. In order to do this, you'll have to spend as much time in your man-beast form as possible. I'm ordering you not to tell anyone what happened to you as I believe you had been expected. Those scientists knew you were coming Duo, and they had been prepared. I want all your future activities to be as confidential as possible, and nobody is to know what happened. You will only recieve missions from me, and they will all be solo if possible. I want an update of your condition every day. You are now 3 days away from the current safe house, allowing for overnight rests. You'll have to leave straight away to get back as soon as possible. If all goes well on the return trip, you should be home by the end of the week which means you'll have only been gone for two weeks. I shall be concentrating all my efforts on finding out more about your mutation. For instance, is this reversable? If it is would you like to change back? Give me a few weeks to see if I can duplicate what they gave you, we'll see if I can find a cure, and we can gain more knowledge about what exactly OZ was trying to acheive.
"Until we know more, you will do only three things: Tell no-one what happened, practice your man-beast, and complete any missions given to you." With that, he turned and left the room. I pulled on a new priest's outfit (provided so as not to arouse suspicion), and headed towards the door. I had a lot to think about before I reached home.
Mostly, what was I going to do about Heero? I knew I had a problem. If what J said was true, and I had no reason to doubt him, I would destroy anything in range if I broke through my pain barrier and transformed. And he said I would break through it when I felt "intense emotions". I knew what I felt for and around Heero was incredibly intense, but were they intense enough to break through the barrier?
Even if they weren't intense enough, could I risk it? Could I put Heero in that much danger just so I could snatch a few more moments of happiness? Was I really that spoilt and selfish? If I could even contemplate putting him in that type of danger, even if that danger was false, then I didn't really love him. Whatever else happened in my life, whatever else I did, one truth would always remain. I loved Heero with my entire being. I loved him so much that I was not willing to cause him pain. So I had to let him go.
My mind froze momentarily at the conclusion I had come to, rolling the thought around my head in much the same way you roll wine around your mouth before you spit it back out. I decided I didn't like the idea. Not one little bit. Who was I kidding? The very thought of living without Heero ripped my heart from my chest. I needed him, needed him so badly that I could barely breathe when I thought of leaving him. Needed him like I needed water, air, pizza! But the feeling I had thinking bout him being dead was worse. That was just one more reason to end it with Heero.
One problem remained (aside from the fact that I would never feel whole again): How was I going to break up with Heero without him being suspicious? The feelings he caused me to have were so intense that I completely lost control. I couldn't lose control now that my body was changing in such a way that I had only the barest hold over it. I had heard what the Prof had said my state of mind upon breaking the pain barrier and changing would be, and I could not bear to hurt Heero. That left me with only one choice.
I had to leave him. I had to leave Heero forever. It would be the only way to save him.


Part 4a-Saving Lives


I was troubled now, and could not conceal it. Two weeks had passed, and Duo was still not home. I had expected him home after one and a half weeks at the most, so what was taking him so long?
I sighed and looked at the front door again. When would he be back? I looked down at where Trowa lay against me on the couch. He had fallen alseep after we had given in to our hormones yet again. This gave me the freedom to worry as I saw fit.
Duo wouldn't mind that we went ahead without him, would he?
I looked down at my new lover. His eyes were closed, his breathing regular and one side of his face was hidden beneath his long bangs. I pushed aside the mass of sable hair and gazed into his face. His eyelids fluttered slightly and I knew he wasn't asleep, and I loved the way he was letting me grab some thinking time in such a considerate manner. It was getting dark outside, and we should really make a start on dinner.
"Shall we start on dinner?" I asked him, stroking his bare shoulder.
"Hmmmm?" He mumbled sleepily.
"Dinner." I gently prodded, knowing that he had heard me the first time. Sometimes, when I was around either of my lovers, I had no idea how to act. It had only been by observing the way others behaved that I'd learned how to express any of my emotions at all. I used to have a barrier around my emotions, a barrier that sheilded me from feeling, but Duo had broken through that long ago. Now, without that barrier, I was vulnerable, and sometimes that scared me witless. Every other time I had become vulnerable, I had been made to deeply regret it. Nothing ever good had come of being open until I had met Duo. I was suprised not only by how much he gave, but by how much I wanted to give when I was around him. He completed me, pure and simple. But if Duo was a piece of my soul, then Trowa would be the third and last piece. I hadn't realised that I felt so strongly about the banged pilot before these last couple of weeks. Now that I knew how sweet it was to be loved by Trowa, I could never give him up. I couldn't give up Duo either, but I wouldn't have to because Duo would be okay with it. Right?
I sighed as Trowa started to move, pushing his upper torso off mine, and just looking down at me for an endless moment. I gazed back up at him, allowing myself to drown in those green depths. He leaned in closer and our mouths met once more, warmth coursing through my body.
Then the door opened.
We broke the kiss hurriedly, looking up to see Duo in the doorway. Trowa and I both froze with shock. Duo looked at us sprawled on the couch, his face also showing shock. Then he turned his face away, hiding his emotions. When he turned back, his face was completely blank, as if he had borrowed the mask I generally wore. The lack of his broad, trademark grin sent pangs of apprehension shooting through me. He would be ok with this, right?
He looked at us for another moment and then walked silently and swiftly up to his room, closing the door softly behind him. I looked at Trowa, shock and the first stirrings of fear settling over my face.
As one we jumped off the couch and scrambled frantically into our clothes. I had less to put on than he did (not wearing underwear had it's advantages), so I was the one who got up the stairs first. I reached Duo's door and opened it hesitantly, not sure what I would find.
Why wasn't Duo OK with this?

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I got to the safehouse and opened the door, still wondering what I could tell Heero to make him undersatand that I couldn't see him again. Anything to do with the real reason would not do, as Heero would stubbornly insist on helping me through the ordeal. He would not believe that I could hurt him, and so he would try and be near me at night, when the pain came. What if I changed and killed him? I couldn't let that happen. It was better that he be alive and unattainable than dead. I knew that if I broke up with him now, it would have to be permanent, otherwise he might come into my room one night and then discover the *real* reason I had broken up with him. And I've already explained that that would not be good. So, what possible reason could I have for breaking up with Heero permenantly?
That's when I saw Heero and Trowa. They were a naked, sweaty, tangled mass of limbs sprawled over the couch. I stared at them, shocked thoughtless let alone speechless! Then my mind started working again and I turned my face away as thoughts flashed through my head. The first one was: 'This is the most erotic sight I have ever seen. Do you think Trowa would mind if I asked to join in?'. The next thought was: 'Are you a fool? This is the perfect opportunity to break up with Heero.' Then the next thought after that was: 'At least you have a great last memory.'
I didn't know quite how to react to the situation yet. Anger? Bitterness? Regret? Should I throw something at them? Then I thought that to show them I was really upset, I should act as un-like-myself as possible. So I replaced my cheerful mask (oh yes, it was a mask. You try living through what I have and see if you still feel jovial!) with one of carefull non-expression. Living around Heero and Trowa for so long, I had seen a non-expression enough to imitate one.
Then I turned my face back to them so that they could see my carefully placed non-expression, and I walked silently passed them to my room. Silence was another thing I did not normally indulge in, and so i was anticipating it would shock the two new lovers. I softly closed the door behind me and moved over to the window. I stared out it blindly as I steeled myself for the confrontation to come. It would take all my strength to act outraged and angered towards Trowa and Heero, especially when all I wanted to do was jump them. I knew that Heero, and perhaps Trowa as well, would be coming soon, and I hoped that this wouldn't take very long. Last night when I had stopped at the motel for the night I had discovered that the pain inside me did not come when I slept, but when my biological clock said that I should be sleeping, which was approximately between 10pm and 6am. Yesterday the pain had been stronger than the night before, but still only a nuisance. However, Heero had a way of knowing when I was in pain, any type of pain, even if I only cut my finger. It was freaky and I didn't want it happening tonight. I didn't want him to realise why I was really giving him up.
I heard the door open behind me and knew it would be Heero. It had taken him longer than I thought. Obviously I hadn't allowed time for him to get untangled from Trowa. I stared fixedly out the window, not turning around to look at him. He stood in the doorway, then I heard him take a step towards me. "Duo?" He said questioningly. I heard the vulnerability in that single word and hated myself for what I was about to do. No, I hated OZ.
I turned to face him, still maintaining my new mask. "Yes?" I answered icily. He looked at me, confusion and fear in his eyes. I felt an urge to grab him in an embrace and tell him that it was alright, that I was glad about Trowa. I suppressed it sharply, the knowledge of what could happen if I broke into the panther form stopped me going to him. I had to be ruthless. I had to stop him from ever coming back to me, from even *thinking* that we had a chance. Especially after the idea we both had had for going after Trowa.
"What's wrong?" Heero asked me, coming a step closer.
"What's wrong?" I asked him incredulously. "What's wrong? I find you and Trowa naked on the couch and you ask me what's wrong?" I said this in the same icy voice, yet I did not raise it. Normally I was an extemely loud arguer, so I reasoned that it would have more impact on Heero if I was quiet.
"I didn't think you would mind." He said, coming towards me. I couldn't let him touch me. I knew if he did that I would fall apart and tell him everything. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't be resposible for his death.
"Didn't you? How long did you wait before you jumped him Heero? I bet you couldn't even wait for me to get down the driveway before you hunted him down." That stopped Heero in his tracks, horror dawning on his face.
"It wasn't like that." Heero started to say, his voice pleading. I cut him off there. I couldn't listen to Heero Yuy plead and not give in.
"Really? I find that hard to believe." The hurt in his eyes when I said that was quickly masked, but I saw it anyway. I turned away from him and started to open draws, dragging out my clothes.
"What are you doing?" Asked Heero, shock in his voice.
"Leaving this room." I replied, shoving my stuff uncerimoniously into a duffel bag. "I don't particularly wish to stay here any longer." I looked back up at him and saw that Trowa had joined us. He had his hand on Heero's shoulder, lending him silent support. They looked so good together, and I was glad that even though it wasn't me, Heero would have someone.
"You don't have to go Duo. I won't bother either of you again." Trowa said quietly, his face not showing anything.
"No!" Said Heero adamently. "I'm not letting you go Trowa." He turned to Trowa so that he was side on to us both and placed his hand over the one Trowa had placed on Heero's shoulder."I love you," he said while staring into the deep green eyes, "and you too." He added, turning back to me and trying to connect our gazes. "Why can't you accept it Duo? You told me so many times that you were attracted to Trowa, what the hell has changed now?"
This was a reversal of roles, I thought to myself. Normally I was the one to do all the talking, with Heero contributing almost nothing. Now, what possible reason could I have for changing my mind about Trowa? I though frantically as I continued to pack.
"Well if you don't know, then what's the point in telling you?" I said, stalling for time. Hopefully this would give me a few more minutes for my worn out brain to think of something to tell Heero, to make him get out and leave me the hell alone. I glanced at the clock on the bedside table and felt relief wash over me. It was 6:30 and I had three and a half more hours to convince them both I was sincere. What could I say though? Anger and jealousy would be smoothed over if they told me that they wanted me to join them. So, maybe we should make it a moral decision, but when did I ever have morals? Religion, religion was good. Technically it was a sin to love another man, but when had I ever let that stop me before? Well, disgust for both of them would work, but why would I be disgusted by them?
"Duo." Heero growled warningly. "Tell me why when you left here you could not wait to get Trowa and I both in bed, but now you run from us."
"Because I no longer want you, either of you." I siad, looking first at Heero, then at Trowa, an expression of disgust fixed carefully on my face. God forgive me for the lie I just told, and for the lies I would have to tell to both Heero and Trowa to keep them at bay. But if it came down to lying to protect them, or telling the truth and killing them, I would choose lying every time.
"Were all your proclomations of love false then. Was it all just a lie?" Heero looked at me accusingly, and I could see the hope he was trying to mask. I could practically hear him thinking that if I had loved him then, then I would love him now, that there would be some hope for us. It nearly killed me to shoot that hope down.
"Yes." I said, looking down at my duffel so as not to see the pain in his eyes, the pain that I knew only mirrored what was in his heart. I thrust the last of my clothes harshly into the almost full duffel and tied it up.
"I don't believe you." Heero said, his voice shaking slightly. I knew he was trying to hold onto the hope that everything would be OK. The hope that I could not let him have.
"Then you're stupider than I thought." I said, still maintaining the ice in my voice. "What makes you think that I could ever love you?" I said, sneering at the both of them this time. I stalked over to the door and brushed past them. "I'm not interested in used goods." A hand grabbed my arm, stopping me dead in my tracks.
"What happened Duo?" I turned to look into the forest green eyes of Trowa.
"Exucuse me?" I asked, raising my eyebrow in icy disdain.
"When you went on the mission. What happened? Why are you suddenly like this?"
"Like what Trowa? Are you so used to me being the idiot with the grin that you don't know the truth when you see it? The mission was very dull, and very boring. I went, I saw, I conquered, and then I left. And all that time, I thought. I thought about what was going on in my life, and I didn't like it. Yes, Heero's a great fuck, and yes, you're a very nice piece of eye-candy, but you're both distractions. Distractions from the most important thing there is: The mission." I don't know where this came from. All I knew was that I had finally hit upon something Heero would understand.
"I don't love you, either of you, and the only reason I told Heero I did was because I would never have been able to fuck him else wise. But I've realised that the mission is too important to risk on something I don't need. I don't want to die because I'm obsessed with something I could get using my hands and a vibrator." I pused then and put as much contempt in my voice as possible. "I don't know why you should care, you get some no matter what, don't you?" I wrenched out of Trowa's suprisingly strong grip and headed towards the door of Wufei's old room.


Part 4b-Undeserving

I entered the room and glanced about it's spartan interior for a few moments before plonking my bag in the middle of the double bed that was pushed against one wall. Then I set about stowing all my hastily packed stuff into the only other piece of furniture in the room, a chest of draws. I finished after what seemed like no time at all. I had nothing to do now but dwell on what I had done to the only two people I would ever love.
I thought of all the things I had done, all the things I had said, and then I thought of my vow to never hurt Heero. That night was one of the easiest nights to bear, but it was still the hardest I have ever been through.
The thought of what I had done to both Heero and Trowa stayed in my mind constantly, and I did not get a wink of sleep. I didn't even bother to get changed. I sat in the far corner of the bed, staring out the window, and rocked myself slowly backwards and forwards, holding back the tears that threatened. There was an icy chill within me now. A coldness that would not leave me, and I wondered if I would ever be warm again.
The pain inside me circulated my entire body, reminding me of why I had done what I had done. Thinking of all the time I would spend with this nagging pain, and all the time I wouldn't spend with Heero, almost drove me to suicide. At around 1am, I walked swiftly and silently down to the bathroom. I walked by Heero and Trowa's room and heard muffled noises coming from within. I hurried on, not willing to stay long enough to confirm my suspicion that there were sobs coming from behind that door.
I got to the bathroom and locked the door behind me, the bolt making a loud 'click' as it slid home. I listened carefully, unsure as to whether or not one of my two loves would hear the noise and wonder what I was doing. I waited only minutes before I went over to the medicine cabinet and stared into it's mirrored front. I looked at my reflection for an endless moment. I didn't look any different. I didn't look like the type of person who could destroy somebody elses hope. I didn't look like someone who had broken somebody's heart. I didn't look like a worthless piece of street trash. But I was. I was all those things that I had tried to deny for so very long. I had tried to get past the training my life had given me, determined that nobody would ever be hurt by me. That nobody would ever suffer because of something I had done, like I had suffered because of what others had done to me. I had been adament that I would overcome the treatment I had gotten on the streets of L2. That I would never treat anyone callously, without regard for there feelings. I had promised myself long ago, when I was holding the dying form of sister Helen, that I would always try to bring joy and laughter. Never hurt or pain. That I would smile, and joke and laugh, and I would keep people from thinking about their problems for a while.
And I had failed.
I had tried so hard to be the light in everybody else's darkness, but I had caused a darkness in somebody elses life. I could never forgive myself.
I opened the cabinet and stared at its contents. I went over every shelf in that thing, mentally cataloging all the things that were potentially deadly. Finally, I took out a razor and stared at it. The flourescent white light shone down upon the small sliver of steel, making it gleam and giving it an almost holy aura of light. I looked down at the razor like a drowning man would look at a safety jacket.
I placed the naked blade gently, almost reverently, against my skin and felt it's cold kiss against my sensitive yet oddly numb flesh. My entire body was numb, yet tingles of sensation ran through me, and of course there was the ever present pain. I believe that the pain was the only thing binding me to that frail state we refer to as sanity.
I held that blade to my wrist and I thought once more about all the things I had done, all the vows I had broken. I felt incredibly dirty, like all those filthy lies and deeds were sticking to my body. I knew then that I could not take my life now. I could not let myself have the solace of death when I did not deserve that peace, when I had just destroyed the hope of the person I most cherished.
I placed the razor back where I had found it, careful to make sure that it did not look as if it had been moved. It would not do for Heero to know what I had been contemplating. I still felt dirty though, and as I closed the mirrored cabinet door, I was suprised to find there was no layer of blackened slime blanketing my features.
I stripped off all my clothes and dropped them carelessly on the floor. Then I turned on the shower and stepped underneath it. I kept making the water hotter and hotter, and scrubbing at my body until my flesh was almost raw.
Still I felt dirty.
The hot water ran out eventually and the cold water startled me out of the trance I had been in where nothing mattered except to try and scrub off the non-existant dirt. I collapsed on the cold floor of the shower stall, the icy water raining down upon my like thousands of tiny needles. It bit into my skin, and sitting there, alone and bereft of everything I held dear, I finally allowed my tears to fall.
I stopped feeling dirty.

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All I remember about that night is the gaping hole in my chest that Trowa tried desperately to heal. And Tears. There were lots of tears. Tears from both Trowa and myself as we realised what we had lost.
Duo had loved me. Trowa assured me he loved me. The looks he used to (used to!) give me, the touches, the smiles, he had loved me. But now he showed only contempt for both of us. All that night I wondered what had happened. Over and over I thought about what I had done to make my Duo turn away from me. Trowa felt the loss as well, even though he had never known Duo the way I had known him. Even though he had never known the way Duo could take you out of your world, and transport you somewhere else. Somewhere magical where it was just you and him, surrounded by the love you shared. And all your problems, and the war, and the killings, and the deaths would just...be forgotten. And you could live again. Live on the air that Duo made fragrant and the food that Duo made delicious. Drinking in the water that Duo made tast like champagne and basking in the sunlight that Duo made shine brighter and feel warmer.
Trowa and I sobbed on each others shoulders until we fell asleep cradled in each others arms. That night Trowa was the only thing linking me to my sanity.


Part 5-asking for help

I spent most of the next morning in my room on my laptop. I had to report to Professor G sometime this week, and so it might as well be now. My temperature, reaction time, last nights pain intensity, all those things had been recorded and sent to him. I had decided that even if there was a cure, I would not take it. Heero and Trowa were both lost to me now, and the mutaion would only make me a better warrior. It would make me more able to complete the mission, and the mission was all I had left. I found it ironic that I had helped Heero push aside his dependance on the mission only to take it up myself.
When I went downstair to get some food to feed my rapidly changing body, I saw Heero and Trowa both camped out on Heero's laptop. They were talking in a low murmur, their bodies pressed together, and I walked past the door as silently as possible on my way to the kitchen.
Jealousy shot through me, even as I had my thoughts that I had done the right thing were confirmed. Heero had never let me share his laptop like that, and I now knew that Trowa was much better for him than I would or could ever be. All along, I had thought Heero needed some laughter to help lighten his load, when he really needed silence.
I raided the fridge, looking for things loaded with sugar, which meant junk food. There was hardly anything in there, which meant I would have to go on a buying trip sooner rather than later. It was probably best that way anyhow. I didn't want Heero to see any changes in my behaviour. It might alert him to the fact that something other than my new-found love of the mission was going on. That would never do.
I went back upstairs and grabbed my wallet. Should I go out the window? If I went out the door I would have to go past Heero and Trowa, and they might ask me where I was going. Also, if I went out via the door, I would have to come back via the door, and then I would have to explain the groceries. I could always go at night when they were asleep, but I wanted to practice my man-beast for the rest of the day, and I needed energy for that.
The window it was.

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Trowa and I spent all the next morning on my laptop with Professor J, trying to find out about Duo's mission. Trowa had convinced me that something had happened to Duo on the mission for him to come back like that. I wanted to believe Trowa, so I had let him talk me into contacting J and find out what had happened. I knew I was grasping at straws, but I couldn't help myself. I needed the love and support that Duo had given me, even though I now had Trowa, it wasn't the same. I was afraid that without Duo's laughter I wouldn't be able to keep my perfect soldier training at bay.
I was afraid that I would once again lose my ability to feel. So I talked to proffessor J, who professed no knowledge about the mission other than it had gone according to plan. He did say that G had asked for some machinery that specialised in anylysing substances, but aprt from that, not a word had been said. J had said that the amount of time Duo had been away seemed suspicious, and he thought G had Duo take several things from the lab before he blew it up. I wheedled out a promise from J to find out anything he could about the mission, then moved to other things. Mainly, hacking into Duo's computer.
It took me and Trowa combined four hours to get into Duo's computer. When we eventually got in, I had no idea why he had it so protected. There was hardly anything in there apart from a bat man desk top. However I did not do all that hacking just to take a brief look araound for five minutes. So for the next half our, Trowa and I looked around Duo's comp, hoping to find something useful. It was only when the idea of checking Duo's sent e-mail hit that my luck got better. Duo had sent an e-mail that day to professor J. I opened it up and stared in confusion. It was all about Duo. But it wasn't the normal, I'm-a-gemini-who-likes-long-walks-in-the-rain type thing, it was stuff like temperature, reaction times, how hot he felt last night.
What the hell was going on? This was definitely not a normal thing for Professor G to ask Duo. I should know, Duo shared -used to share- everything with me. I saved the sent copy to my computer and switched it off, deciding I had had enough for one day.
"dinner time?" Trowa asked me, getting up from his seat and stretching. I ran my hand down his ribcage lightly, then got up, wrapping my arms around him and giving him a passionate kiss. I broke it moments later and headed towards the kitchen.
"What do you think happened on the mission?" I asked Trowa in my normal monotone.
"I don't know, but it had to be something so devestating that Duo felt he had break up with you."
"Are you sure he didn't mean what he said Trowa? He never lies, and what he said about the mission..."
"Heero!" Trowa sighed in frustration. I looked down at the carrots I was cutting, ashamed for having these doubts. I don't know why, but I needed this reassurance. Actually, I did know why. I had opened my heart, left myself vulnerable, and been hurt.
Again. I was always hurt when I left myself open. That fact was what had made me shut off my emotions for so long. Now that Duo had helped me rediscover them, I didn't want to go back to the isolation I had been in before. It was so cold, so lonely, being the 'perfect soldier', allowing the mission to always come first before people did. I had had to keep myself aloof so as to become as efficient as possible. It had nearly killed me to watch others laughing, crying, yelling, loving...living. I had wanted to join them for so long, wanted to be a part of the people who enjoyed life to the fullest.
I just wanted to enjoy life full stop. Duo had helped me start to do that. He had shown me that I could be a strong soldier and learn to feel as well by being open and honest, yet deadly at the same time. I admired the way he could be so human while still having to kill. He had shown me how to do that as well, and now that he was gone, I was afraid I would lose my place amoung the living again.
Duo was hiding something from me. Something so drastic it had caused his entire attitude towards life to change, and that was not good at all. "Trowa," I said, looking at him as he moved around the kitchen. "I think we should get Quatre ove here." Trowa stopped and looked at me, one eyebrow raised in question. I didn't realise I had wanted Quatre here before I opened my mouth. It had just come out, but now I realised how much sense it made to have the small blond near. Even though it shamed me to admit I needed help when I should be able to give my love all the support he could ask for.
"Quatre and Duo are good friends, and Quatre is somewhat of an empath. He should be able to find out what's going on. Even if Duo won't talk to him, and his empathic abilities don't pick up anything, we could use the extra pair of eyes to monitor Duo."
Trowa considered this for a moment before nodding his head. I went to call Quatre.