Half Empty

Riza sat up suddenly in her own bed, surrounded by her own things. She put a hand over her trembling lips and tried to hold back tears. It had been almost a year since that had happened and still she dreamt of it. She couldn’t forget it, no matter how hard she tried. Every time she dreamt of
the night Kimbley had raped her, it was like reliving the whole terrible night over again.

The only other person who knew the whole story was Mustang. In the end, it was him who showed up and found her in that hellhole two days after the fact. Kimbley had come and gone three more times after the first time. Her rescue was still somewhat blurry in her memory but she did remember that her attacker wasn’t there by the time Roy arrived. He was long gone. The coward hadn’t even stayed to carry out his plan. By the time he came, she’d cried all the tears she could. When Roy took her in his arms all she could do was clench her fists and ask over and over again, “Why?” She couldn’t ask the rest of the question. “Why didn’t you come sooner?” Of course, he had no way of knowing where she was, why she was there or who she was with and certainly no way of knowing what happened until he arrived on the scene.
He’d handled the incident gracefully and quietly, without anyone else knowing the full details of the situation.

In a year, a lot had happened to the both of them. They’d both received promotions and been given more important, involving jobs that required them to work side by side almost all the time. Three days ago, they’d had a drink together over which they spoke of many things that somehow led to the subject of their relationship.

She’d known for a while now that he was romantically interested in her, maybe even in love with her.

There was a part of her that wanted to love him in return, as well. However, their relationship as officers in the military often seemed more important to her. She had to do whatever she could to make sure he got to the top.

That night was the first time, though, that he’d admitted his feelings for her verbally.

“We’ve been through a lot together, haven’t we?” he said in a reminiscing tone. “Have I been hard to stand all these years?”

“You make it sound like we’re old people.” She said with a frown.

“I feel old sometimes, Riza.” She raised her head from the glass in front of her at the sound of her first name. It wasn’t very often that he spoke to her like that. Every time he started talking to her in that tone, something serious came out next. “Like time is slipping away from me. I wonder sometimes if I’ve wasted too much time on pointless things….things that only seem to cause me regret and nightmares. But when I’m with you, all of that just fades away.”

“Sir…” she started but he silenced her by raising his index finger, signifying that he wasn’t finished with his speech.

“I know what you’re going to say. I’ve thought about that, too. A relationship with one of my subordinates could hurt my reputation. Honestly, I don’t care anymore.”

“You don’t want me, Roy.” She told him quietly and that was the end of their conversation.

That must be why she was suddenly having that same nightmare again. She wanted to love him but something inside her was scared that he would ask too much of her. Indefinitely, Roy would ask more than she could give him no matter how much she might want to. Ever since that night she spent on that cold, concrete floor, she couldn’t think of sex without being struck with the fear that it could all happen again. He would never hurt her, she knew that and her fear of him didn’t make sense but it was real. But how could she expect him to understand that? She had decided that the best course of action was to avoid the subject altogether and never allow herself to become anything more than his subordinate.
She looked at the clock. It was almost time for her to get up. There was no point in trying to get back to sleep now. Time to get up and start her day.


He invited her for another drink again that night and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He was always so hard to say no to…She knew what he wanted to talk about and resolved herself to avoid the subject if at all possible.
“Should I start again?” he asked her. “Or do you think I can pick up where I left off before?” She sighed and turned her head away from him. “If you don’t feel the same way, Hawkeye, then just say the word and I’ll never bring it up again.”
“It isn’t you.” She said, staring down into her half-empty glass. “It’s about what happened almost a year ago with Kimbley.”
He was silent for a moment before gently placing a hand on her shoulder. “I would never hurt you, Riza.”
“Never on purpose.”
“Never at all.” She looked up at him. There was a hidden pain behind her eyes that had nothing to do with him. Looking at her and the buried hurt, he suddenly seemed to realize exactly what it was she was trying to tell him. “I thought you knew me better than that.” He said with a disappointed look. “I want to be there for you, Riza. When you laugh and when you cry. I know what happened to you has made things different but we can get through it together, one step at a time. It doesn’t have to be about sex. Just give me the benefit of the doubt. Give me the chance to try.” He smiled. “Don’t make me beg you.”
Her stomach felt twisted. She felt like dirt, completely unworthy of his valuable time but he was insistent and she knew she would feel worse if she didn’t give him the chance he deserved. “Alright.” She said with a sigh.
She felt his hand brush up against her cheek and wipe away a tear she hadn’t realized she’d shed. “It’s kind of a relief to know this wasn’t one-sided.” She smiled back at him.